opting to do something else?

[dummy56]

Is it bad when your SO prefers to not talk to you to go and do something else like chat online or play games? I mean I feel like when you are with someone that they become your main thing and when online, should at least talk or something. I know that there should be some space and not smother, but what do you guys think about that? Your SO on the computer but not talking to you to chat online or something else. What should I think?

[Sora1101]

My SO often chooses games over talking to me, sometimes it drives me crazy other days it doesn't phase me. The way I look at it is he needs his time to unwind and have some fun, just like girls have like gossip/shopping/sleepover days or whatever guys need bro time which usually involves gaming, it's nothing personal and he's not trying to ignore me but sometimes he just wants to play some games with friends that he rarely gets to see and I'm okay with that.

If it bothers you talk to him about it, I'm sure he's not aware that it's such a big deal to you. The only way to get problems fixed in LDR's is communication, you need to get straight to the point and say what's on your mind.

[ioanna]

i think it depends on what you're comfortable with... look at it this way, you and your SO are dating close distance. would you spend all your free time together? i don't think it's very likely, so i guess in my opinion yes, it's normal, up to a certain extent

[Haley53]

For me, it would depend on when and how often and for how long.

For example, there have been days my partner has come home and wanted to play a game to unwind and our conversations fell by the wayside, which I was grumpy/irritable about because here I was, having wanted to talk all morning, afternoon, and evening, and he's finally home and decides he'd rather divide his attention between me and the game. And as much as he'd argue that the attention split between the two was even, it was often a game he would be playing with other people who were counting/relying on him to play his part, so the attention, as it were, was not being distributed evenly. It added insult to injury when he would tell me it was because he was tired/not up to talking, yet he'd be playing with other people! This was, however, when his mother was in the hospital, and so I imagine there was some underlying want of escape behind it. But that said, the experience was hurtful because I didn't see why he wouldn't want to talk to me, and I eventually settled down about it because we did compromise on time spent doing what, but a part of that meant leaving him alone/accepting slow responses while he still wanted to play his game. :P (we also compromised by making me a part of the/a game, giving me my talk time and him his escape)

So long as it's not constant, happening every hour of every day, then I don't see the issue. Even if it's a couple times per week, I don't see the issue, even if this is something I personally would not be happy with. Sure, it'd be great if we became our partner's everything as soon as we fell in love or as soon as we started dating, but we don't, and that would be incredibly unhealthy if it did. You still have to think about putting yourself first sometimes in a relationship, and I think there's such a horrible negative stigma around doing so. No one's saying that putting yourself first means you start ignoring everything about your partner's wants/needs and start expecting them to gratify everything you want from them and that's their purpose in your life, but it does mean taking downtime to go off and play games if you need to and get absorbed in that. It can mean not wanting to talk online and wanting to read a book instead. And the list goes on. There has to be a balance of you living your independent life and living the life your partner shares; it's a beautiful and healthy blend if they come together.

However, if your partner is doing this every night and not talking to you at all, then yes, it's something I would worry about.

[dummy56]

I'm a guy by the way. But how about the fact that she goes to the chat room though? I mean I think if she wanted to go to the chat she could at least type to me during some times or whatever. She just doesn't come online at all though. I understand if she was here we probably wouldn't spend every free moment together, but it's the internet. It's as if we have a plan to go to the park or something but instead she prefers to go to the park with someone else or to stay home to watch tv without telling me. Am I being crazy?

I can understand if she split the attention, but she doesn't she just flat out chooses to not communicate with me at all for the day.. I guess I'm spoiled.

[Haley53]

I only now realised your username and that you were the author of the other thread. After following that one, and now reading this one here, frankly, my opinion is she's logging on to chat to people and not spend time with you because she's either too much of a coward to flatly end the relationship or for whatever unhealthy reason, she's holding on without really wanting it. Given the nature of your relationship, yes, it would be something to worry about. I still don't feel your relationship is going anywhere or even remotely salvageable, but I could very well be wrong. Have you ever talked with her about this? Or do you only know this through snooping on her? If the latter is the case, then it's easy enough for her to lie to you and then nothing gets solved, but if it's something you both know that you both know, I'd bring it up to her and tell her you miss her and were wondering if you could figure out some times to talk. But I can't see her agreeing to this for very long.

[dummy56]

We had another big argument and it seems like she gave me an ultimatum. I am not reading what she's talking about in the chat. I just looked to see if she was there. She was and still is. She's been right that things have been pretty innocent and I am going to stop with the bad behavior.

[Haley53]

Well stopping your behaviour is only half the battle. She also can't constantly be pushing you to the wayside, which is the impression I gathered from the other thread.

[dummy56]

Well I think the general consensus is that it should be okay for her to go out and do whatever she wants. Even if she was close, she'd meet people in classes or at work and I realized that it is essentially the same thing. She won't always tell me every detail that she does and she shouldn't have to. I expected too much from her. The lying part is bad, but what she is doing i think is rather normal...

[ChibiFelicia]

May i ask, if you think what she is doing is rather normal, why would you still be spying on her in that chat room? You really need to stop that. Try to resist the temptation to go on there and look. ~As Eclaire said, stopping the behaviour is only half the battle.

Back to your question though, i dont feel it is healthy to stop everything and just be online to speak to your partner. Not saying i dont ever do it. I do. But i also do other things such as friends, school work, working etc etc. At the moment my man is online and playing a game refusing to talk to me cause i have an assignment he wants me to write before i go see him (which is in under 3 weeks!! ahhh). Hes outright ignoring me lol. I admit when he isnt online and i wanna talk to him i do feel a bit bleh but i have other stuff to do that i enjoy. Thing is even when you're in a relationship you cant just be attached to the hip. You gotta be your own person,Well thats the way i see it. you may have common interests but when im there i like to go shopping etc and oh my he never likes to do it, so i go with friends (rather his younger cousins).

Oh i just realised i kinda went off topic. But yeah if we're both online and he wants to do something else/talk to someone else i A either join him or B do my own thing and just tell him that i wanna chat before i go to bed. Have you msged her to ask her whether she wants a chat before you go bed?/she logs off?

[dummy56]

Our only form of communication is skype. She really is in a bad place where she has become so negative about the situation and almost like she is giving up. I mean she doesn't tell me she won't come online or that she is going to do something else. She simply just doesn't come online. So I am left wondering what is going on. I do think it is normal that she wants to do other things that may not concern me even if she were here. Of course, the chat room probably isn't the best thing but it's comparable to going out with friends to a club or bar. I mean we would leave the camera on between us so if she had to clean or something I'd see and stuff.

The way I see it, if she is on the computer but NOT talking to me, then it's a sign that either she is upset or something with me OR that i am just not stimulating enough for her that she prefers to go to the chat for the fun etc. I mean if she had to do some internet searching or was playing a game, she can still talk to me by mic and it'd be okay. It just seems bad when she just flat out doesn't talk to me and does other things. It's just like when she lied to me that she is sleeping so that she can go to the chat. I mean when we do video chats she isnt in the chat because then i'd know and all that bad stuff. So I guess the lie becomes reasonable in the sense to not hurt my feelings and it's a nice way of saying that she just wants to do something else?

So when she's not online I have no way of contacting to her.

[lucybelle]

I hate video games. And if my SO was ignoring me and choosing to play video games instead, I wouldn't be with him.

BUT I do think it's okay for your SO to decide to do something social or something other than talk to you every once in a while. If you're having problems with this, set skype/chat/whatever nights with them that they can't break and can't play video games. It's really important to find a balance between your relationship and your social life.

[ChibiFelicia]

oh i see. I hope im wrong but she really does seem like she is avoiding you, which doesnt solve anything. If she is avoiding you then i hope she makes a choice and stops this nonsense. It's just hurting you/leading you a long

[dummy56]

She is not like some hard core video game person. If she is on the computer she's most likely in the chat and probably playing some solitaire or something. She doesn't do this all the time. It's just that when we get off video chat she goes right for it. It's really the chat thing that bothers me. I can deal with her playing solitaire but it's that she gets the fun/stimulation from chat instead of me. Or that she isn't getting enough from me that she has to go to the chat as well. Sometimes she really is just in such a pissy angry mood that she just doesn't come online for me and instead goes to the chat. I think this is bad, but at the same time I can see how it'd be normal to want to talk to other people and stuff.

[MadMolly]

I don't know how much more evidence you need to know that she isn't interested in you anymore.