mental illness in LDR

[squeeker]

My SO suffers from OCD/PTSD/anxiety issues. I have issues with self-esteem and insecurity(they pale in comparison I know). It has been difficult at times, adjusting to not only an LDR but learning about his different moods, triggers, negative memories, etc. The things that make his life all that much harder. I love him very much and it makes me feel better to know that there are others out there who are in similar situations.

My SO also suffers from OCD, PTSD, and anxiety and depression and he has Asperger's Syndrome (autism) too. I have Asperger's Syndrome like him as well as anxiety issues and had a mild depression in the past. It's nice to read this thread and see others in similar positions too. It can be difficult sometimes because sometimes I say a word or something that triggers the OCD without realizing.

I think the best thing we can do in LDRs is be available to listen to them and offer advice or ways to work through it if they want it. It's much easier to support our SOs in person. I know I get emotional really easily and sometimes just really want a hug or cuddle but I can't have it because he's so far away. And I feel so helpless when he's hurting.. or when he gets scared about something or his OCD or PTSD gets at him about something late at night and he stays up way too late and has to get up early in the morning. I think it helps that we are both sensitive to each other about things.. we both have pretty high stress levels, him especially because he feels he has to "always be on guard" because of his past issues.. so we try and calm each other down but it can be difficult sometimes. It's especially horrible if he's worrying about something and then I have to go because I have work or something. But we do what we can. My SO also has been starting getting outside help/councelling for his OCD and things so that should help too because his OCD really starts to control his life at times.

[efish1042]

I have been... well, not diagnosed, per se. I went to some counselors who told me that I have symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Mental illness runs in my family, we just deal with our problems in different, sometimes less healthy ways. I recently had a bit of a breakdown and my SO, bearing in mind that we have closed the distance, changed his entire evening's plans, which had him leaving town, in order to comfort me. He took me out to dinner and bought me ice cream, etc. My SO thinks he doesn't do enough to help, but he tries. I just wish he could see how much he does help just by being there for me. It meant the world to me that he changed his plans in order to be there for me, even if that just meant a hug or, if LD, a long phone call.
When we were LD, he became very frustrated that he couldn't help and, as a result, he sometimes made things worse. I ask you to be patient and understanding. All I wanted was someone to tell me that they loved me for me and that I wasn't crazy or stupid or whatever other irrational things I thought of myself. Just be her rock. A safe place to go, get it all out, and recover. Affectionate words and gestures must take the place of hugs.
I must also ask you to tread carefully as I've known many self-harmers that did it simply for attention, although I hope this isn't the case, but it is an entirely different issue behind it. It is often an incentive for people to reassure you when you're not sure how else to ask. It is a cry for help, but see that you don't feed it by simply giving in, if this is the case.
In any case, you should try find out why she does it and try to convince her to stop, because it can become very dangerous. Just be loving and supportive. Perhaps suggest she see a professional, but don't push it. At the end of the day, you need to be her safe place to fall, not the one that is pushing her to get better any faster than she is ready for.

[Monalisa]

I really need to vent because I am very worried. This week I managed to visit my SO, he was very nervous about me visiting him, but in the end things have been coming out relatively fine, he has been polite and nice during these days.

Despite all this I see that his situation has not improved, he is worse than he was 2 years ago (We first met in August of 2011, I did a 5000 km trip). He has NOT been out of his apartment between september 2011 and october 2013. Believe me...it breaks my heart. I really don't know how his parents cope with that everyday. His dad is almost 80 and his mum is in her sixties, and they also have ther own health issues. Despite this, his mother visits him several times a week (spending a little fortune because she lives in the country), prepares food, cleans the apartment, buys most of his things and gets him beer and cigarrettes

I also saw some pictures of him from some months ago and he was looking like a total wreck, with long hair and beard. He is also smoking and drinking loads and he told me he doesn´t care for anything, that he doesn't want to do a thing.

He has not received proper medical diagnosis, so we don't know if he has agoraphobia, social phobia, anxiety, depression, etc. But according to the things I've read and to his behavior I'm sure he has depression and some other things. He has scoliosis in his back (but it's not prominent) and he is obssessed with this and he believes that it is the root of all the problems in his life. He always says that his back is crooked and that we don't see what he sees. Sometimes he cuts his hands too.

Another thing that worries me a lot is that he can only imagine two solutions for this situation:

1. Dying (he is convinced that he is going to die in the next 2 or 3 years because his parents are old and if they die, no one will take care of him)

2. Living with someone else in his flat, like a girlfriend or a wife. He says that this will be a motivation for searching help. But in my mind I think that this is such a heavy burden for anyone, it sound like he is looking for a saviour, a kind of magical solution. I can only say that in my mind, it would be crazy to spill it out in front of him.

It seems that he needs to transfer his dependence on his parents to someone else. That is sad and a bit scary. It really beats the shit out of me. Last night he said that he no longer considered that I was his partner This week I managed to visit him for the second time.

In many opportunities I've made a suggestion of going to get professional help, he always gets pissed off with this subject. He believes that no one has the right to make an opinion unless they have similar problems. So not much of the things I suggest are heard.

I feel kind of guilty because in these days that I've been visiting him, I should have searched for an appointment with a proffesional, at least for me and his mum, in order to see the assistance that he needs, and that his mother needs, as the caregiver. I was distracted and busy. I am even more worried because he is not a teenager, he is a 36 year old man so he says that he is too old for many things and that he is tired of carrying that crippling state 24 hours a day.

This is such a crazy and complex situation. I am so sad about this and I feel completely helpless. I'm writing this post and watching him sleep in the couch...and I know he is a miles away, I don't know where.

Thank you if you managed to read this post.
And an even bigger thank you if you manage to write something to me.
I don't have anyone to tell all this, and most people won't understand.

[Monalisa]

Whoa! I found out my old posts in this thread!
Sad to find out that somethings have changed and someothers have not.
And that I finally had to break up because of the distance and the circumstances. Really sad

[pizza_heart]

I was going through depression when i met my SO, and he was also going to a therapist at the time. Just talking to him made us feel more at ease and less anxious about things. It just felt natural that he was there to listen to me as i listened to him, and that was enough. Each person needs to put an effort on getting themselves better, our SOs are there to support us while we do it.

[Monalisa]

My ex SO has depression and panic attacks since he was 16. He has not accepted treatment or medication or therapy, so he doesn't have a proper diagnosis either. I got tired telling of him and showing him different options of medical help but he refused. Today he is 38.
I guess this made everything so difficult, because his behaviour was very strange, overreacting over every detail and with no sense of meaning or satisfaction.
So sad that things ended with so many problems. I had to stop because the situation was taking a very heavy toll on me (I don't suffer from mental illness). Some days I feel guilty, but I know that it's not my fault. Each person has to be responsible with life, we cannot force people to do things that they are not willing to do.

[Mims27]

Do not feel bad for putting yourself first in this situation. You've done all you could to try to help but now it's up to him. If he's not willing to accept that he is ill get himself help, then there is nothing else you can do. No point in bringing you down with him. As a person with mental illness myself, admitting I was sick was the best thing I've ever done. I realised that I was putting my SO in an unfair situation and that I needed help to get better. So I could be a better person to myself and a better partner for my SO.

[Monalisa]

I really appreciate your reply. I use to wonder about what a person with a mental disease could think.
Sometimes I get all confused, but one thing is sure, we can't transfer out responsabilities to others. If we are sick we must be open to solutions and help, and then we must pay attention to the doctors instructions. Not sticking to one possibility, because we never know how things work out.
I did as much as I could because I really cared. And that gives me a bit of relief.

In the end I guess he hardly thought in me, or maybe he couldn't because he was all wrapped around suffering his illness. Guess I'll never know.

[ronjaandbirk]

I've suffered from depression, severe anxiety and resulting extreme insomnia and my dude deals with simliar things now although for different reasons. I am mostly fine now, still insomnia now and then, a bit of anxiety and a severe case if fear if abandonment D:

But i felt like i have learned in the last year or so when it comes to relationships where both parties suffer is to not dwell on it. Don't start being overly sorry for the both of you and get in that rut where one of you is always feeling worse and as a result the ither sinks even lower too.

Most Mentally ill people know what thought patterns and behaviours are harmful to them and which ones are healthy, its just painfully difficult to exercise them.

So make a pact and be a team that helps each other to exercise these positive moves.
When only ine partner is suffering i think this can easily go wrong and seem patronising, but if you both know how shitty it can truly be you have a good foundation to pull through together i think.

thats speaking from my experience at least