He's giving up on himself - should I stick around?

[jiynx]

I'm feeling kind of torn between my emotions, and what's good for me in the long run.

Here's the scoop: I obviously love my SO to no end. He is perfect for me personality, physically, emotionally, all the right things in a man. But, there is one things that has been bugging me lately. He never seems to meet his goals. He hasn't had a steady job since I've been with him, and is having a hard time finding one. I know the economy sucks right now, but it can't suck THAT bad, can it? He always complains about how he thinks he's getting fat (he's gained a little weight, but nothing to be worried about), and how he doesn't have any money. When he asks me about it, I can't help but say 'go for a little bit of a longer run and eat better' or 'just send out resumes like it's the plague!'. I can't have that much sympathy for him, because these are things that he controls, right? It seems like he's always feeling sorry for himself - blaming other people/things for his mishaps.

He wants so many things in life, but I'm afraid he won't accomplish many of them because of his lack of drive. I'm worried about him. I want him to have the same realization for responsibility as I do, but that's not fair. I want him to not feel sorry for himself anymore. I want him to change so he can be happy. But asking someone to change is so so wrong to me, even if it's for his own good.

He also says he realizes that it is his own fault, but he still doesn't do anything about it? I feel like he still has some growing up to do (and he's older than me...)

I'm so scared that once we're ready to finally be living together and getting married and such, it's never going to happen because he's always looking for the easiest way. If it's too hard, he won't try. If that happened, my heart would break I think.

I guess my question is, should I be sticking around, to encourage him (because you know, I love him and stuff) to become a better man? Or should I be moving on to save me a lot of trouble and frustration? Your opinions please!

(sorry for my run-on sentences and scrambled thoughts)

[Jgui]

If you really love your SO and I assume you do because you've been with him for 10 months. Don't you think it's a bit harsh to leave him when he might be needing you the most? Yes the economy is tough these days and more people are getting laid off; people with jobs should be grateful they at least have an income. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? Maybe helping him look for jobs and send out resumes? I know in the end it is up to him to make the final decisions and you can't babysit him forever. But maybe he just needs a big push to get him kick started.There is a difference with controlling him and assisting him.

As far as do you think you should leave or stick around is ultimately up to you. Ask yourself deep down how much longer are you willing to put up with his immaturity? Just as you had mention you want the best for him but if he isn't making a move even when you're pushing him then tough luck.

I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months and he was similar to your SO. Doesn't have a steady income and complaining about his job and saying he wants something else, yet he doesn't make the move. I eventually got fed up because i know if i stay with this man he will do me no good but drag me down with him. I knew perfectly what i wanted in my life and career and he was just stuck there on page 1 while i'm flipping though mine.

Have a heart-to-heart with your SO and hope he'll understand where you're coming from. Good luck

[Laura_N]

My SO has a high education, she's the most hard working person I have ever met, and she loves her job. Yet she fails to find a permanent job, and has to live in a fear of being kicked out of her current job that they might or might not extend every month. She's gone to interviews, sent CV's, she's done all she could to find a job. But she can't. And she's not the only person searching for a job who cannot find one. So I don't think you or your boyfriend should think that it's his fault that he fails to get a job, unless he really isn't actively looking for one.

About the getting fat thing, having lost 60 pounds and still being overweight, I know that when you're miserable, you may starts binging or eating more. Has he been down lately? Perhaps he isn't very happy. And when you're not very happy, it's hard to change even the things you wish to change in your life.

I know it's frustrating when someone constantly feels sorry for themselves - I do, because I've been in your position with friends, so I understand how you feel. But from my point of view, it's not really their fault. Their life situation has a huge affect, and while they could change it if they wanted to, they may not have the strenght to do so. It creates an unfortunate cycle. Have you told your SO that you're worried about him? I think it could be useful to have a good talk with him and ask him how he's feeling.

[Mara]

I'm going to ask you this question because I've been feeling similarly towards my SO lately, are you being completely fair?

I think a lot of times we tend to judge people using ourselves as the example of what we think is 'correct'.

The biggest question here is he doing anything to rectify any of his problems? Is he looking for work? Is he trying to get in better shape? It's one thing if he's doing nothing at all to even try to solve these problems, it's another thing if he is trying, but perhaps isn't succeeding.

I think a good kick in the pants is necessary for sure. You don't have to ask him to change, but the truth of the matter is, is that he isn't accomplishing any of his goals by his current methods. Either he needs to increase his input or perhaps change tactics altogether, either way what he's doing now isn't working for him or for you.

[Zapookie]

My SO is currently looking for a job as well, but it seems like job prospects in his area are minimal. He is actively putting work in and trying to do something about it but to no avail. I know how frustrated he is because I've been in his shoes before. Finding a job isn't always easy! He even said he wants to start going to the gym to get in shape. And you know what, I'm all for it. I support him in anything he does because he's my other half, what he does with his life will ultimately affect me as well, and vice versa.

I help my SO look for work online, maybe you can help him search too? It's probably the best you can do, he will have to do the rest. We're both on different continents but I still have the ability to search for jobs in my SO's area.

If you truly feel that he doesn't want to make change, then its up to you whether you stay with him. If you know he wants to make change but just lacks motivation, stay by his side and let him know you're there to support him. Encourage him each day, in any way that you can.

[MadMolly]

Personally, I would seriously RUN if he was displaying complete lack of drive, but that's only because my exes were completely useless and never changed. I'm scarred, haha

[ChibiFelicia]

I was in your situation with my ex actually.

I was with him for nearly 7 years. He never changed. No drive = you cant help em. No matter how hard you try. Thats from my own experience though. My ex said he tried...but did he really try? Did he really do everything he could do make things better? I believed he could. He moved in with me. That was the end. He couldnt be bothered to look for a job that carried on for a year...i loved him. But no way could i be with someone like that.

Honestly you cant change someone. They have to want to change. If i started a relationship with a man like that again (which i wont cause this guy im with now is just right for me), like madmolly, i'd run a mile.

[Bethypoo]

I have posted about this before but I cant find it so I will kind of say what I said again.

I am in the same situation with my SO. He has all of these hopes and all of these things that he wants to accomplish. The thing is, he is kind of waiting for it to happen to him and he doesn't really think to far into the future (for example; he had a job and then got offered a temporary,7month, better paying one. He tried to do both but eventually quit his original one. Well, I kept asking what he was going to do when this temporary one came up and he kept saying 'it will work out,' and needless to say, its been a month with no job.) Not only that, he lives with his best friend who is horribly unmotivated as well and the two together are a horrible match. But anyway, its been driving me nuts, because as a woman, I think it is in our genes to want a man who can be there to take care of us (if need be) and be stable and be someone that we can count on to get things done. And after about 3 months of this happening I just lost it!

Here is what I have come to decide. I am graduating in March. He has until then to figure out what he is going to do. He has been talking about joining the coastguard (which as hard as it will be I support because it is whats best for him). I told him that he needs to either: go back to school, find a more than minimum wage job or join the military. We have been together for almost a year, and he needs to show me that he is more than just saying that he wants more from his life. If he cant do that for me or more than that HIMSELF then as hard as it will be, i need to do what is best for me. And I think that you should have the same talk.[COLOR="Silver"]

[Haley53]

I agree with MadMolly and Bethypoo. Drive, motivation, and ambition are as important to me as dreams and goals, and I couldn't be with someone who didn't have any of the three, no matter how much I loved everything else. :/ Bethypoo covered everything I'd need to say about it, though.

[Sharon Q]

I think the best thing you can do is encourage him. Give him serious advice on what you think he should do. When I complained to my SO about gaining more weight he simply adviced that I worked out. When I told him I was eating mostly junk food he told me I needed to eat healthier foods and I have been.

Yes asking someone to change even for the better may be wrong, but if he is asking you for advice he deserves your honest advice. There is no point in staying with someone if you can not tell them what you think and how you feel. If he asks for advice give it to him.

At the same time however be careful how you word your advice as not to hurt him.

[Lizzie2579]

Everyone else has pretty much covered what I think but I would agree with Mara, I would start gently by telling him that you completely understand how hard it is for him to get a job and make some suggestions that might be helpful, try and motivate him, tell him what qualities he has to offer an employer, boost his confidence and then see if this helps. If he still isn't putting in the effort and still moaning I would have a more serious talk, maybe give him an ultimatum, tell him he needs to prove himself because you can't be with someone who has no drive.
I think its sooooo important for him to do everything he can to rectify his situation because otherwise he will end up really depressed. As Laura_N said maybe this has already started happening, maybe he is eating more because he is miserable. If he doesn't get a kick up the bum then he could end up in a cycle of doing nothing and it will become really unhealthy and things will get worse and worse. I understand this as I have been in a similar situation myself, I now have my own business and feel so much better about myself but it took a real talking to by my family to help me see what i needed to do! So, I wouldn't give up on him and I wouldn't be too harsh yet....I would try the carrot approach and if it doesn't work then I'd use the stick!!!

[Ahmadk]

Well, I've been in his place. I was hoping to get a job without looking after I graduated. I was feeling so bad about myself and always tell my SO that I'm a bad person and that I don't love myself. She stood by me and helped me. Sometimes she got frustrated and wanted to just run away because of how irresponsible I was, and I think that she would've had the right. But she didn't run away and helped me put my goals and work hard to try and get a job, and here I am, having the job that I've always dreamed of in the best animation company in the middle east. All it needed was the proper guidance because some people can't do the most simple things by themselves. So my advice to you is to help him. Sit with him and discuss what he has to do and encourage him and let him know about your fears and how you feel, but don't make him feel that you feel sorry for him, make him feel that you care for him and want to see him shine for the both of you.

[floridaellen]

Unfortunately, it really is that hard to find a job. My SO has been looking for a full time job for a long time. He has to stay with his part time job and just hope for a lot of hours each week because it's so difficult to find a job lately.