My guy friend?

[Sharon Q]

So I made this new friend at school. His name is Zack.
Now I get along with males better thats how I've always been. I've told Robert about Zack and of course my hanging around him has upset Robert a bit and understandably so.

The only thing Zack and I have in common is religion, music, and we both go to the library.

He has nothing on my SO and I've let Robert know this.

A few weeks back he was playing around and smacked me on the ass. I got pissed and yelled at him and told him if he did it again that I would end the friendship. He has not done it since then.

Of course I told Robert about this and he got upset again I understand this. ( not to mention I hadn't contacted him for two days because I didnt have a way to contact him and Robert thought I was going to leave him. )

Fast forward to now, Its been a week and a half since then, I still hang out with Zack for two reasons,

1) I don't know my way around town and get lost easily and he seems to be the only one willing to take me to the library. ( I cant access FB on the schools internet. )

2) I don't have many friends most the people here are total opposite of me and it sucks.
I've been here a month and I only hang out with three people. One of which leaves after school and is a non res student.


Now I want to maintain a friendship with Zack and While I know Robert will never tell me who not to be friends with, anytime I say " I'm with Zack " I can practically hear his heart drop. And It hurts.

I've told him I would never give up what I have with him ( Robert ) that we've been through too much.
And I've done all I can to reassure him that I want to be with only him and I love him.

I get his means for worry its perfectly understandable.

However there is something I need to bring up with Zack he sends me texts like "-hugs- " and " poke " which to mean when coming from a male is rather flirtatious. I don't know how to talk to Zack about it because it bothers me and I think he will just be like " You have a boyfriend why would I flirt with you? "

Most the time when he sends me texts like that I just ignore it and start talking about something and I even made a signature on my text ( you have to enter them manually I cant have the signature pre-set for all my texts my phone is weird ) for when I text him that says " ~Robert's girl~ " Just to keep reminding him I have someone else. I know that may seem harsh but all he really talks about is sex ( like most NOT ALL but most guys ) and I don't want him to think even for a seccond that he has a chance with me.


Like if I had more people here to relate to I would hang out with others but I litterally talk to three people.

I don't know if I should talk to him about the text or just slowly put distance between us.

I just need opinions on what to do about this?
I'd like to stay friends with him but idk if I should.

[Babypuppy21]

My SO and yours share the same name but I call him Rob among other names that well aren’t important right now. I’ve been in the opposite of this situation as in my SO has a best friend who’s a girl and they are seriously close. Anyway what my SO told me to allay any fears was that if he wanted to be with her he would have. You must then tell him that of you wanted to be with Zach and not him that you would. In addition to some other flowery words of love and I’m sure in time he’ll be over it. I hope that helps.

[mllebamako]

Hmmmm well, I may have a different opinion than a lot of people on the board. For me personally, I'm not down with close male/female friendships when one of the people is in a serious relationship.

In university, I was mostly single and I always had tons of male friends. I thought that all of these friendships were 100% platonic and I couldn't get why their girlfriends hated me (oops ) And then through the years, I realized that in most of these friendships, one of us had some sort of feelings for the other person.
Then once I got into a serious relationship, I realized that I didn't feel comfortable spending lots of time alone or being too close with a male friend anyway. And I sure as hell wouldn't be comfortable if my SO was spending a lot of time or being really close with a female friend.
I guess I'm of the opinion that men and women can't just be close friends. *shrugs* That's just me.

Side note: Do you actually enjoy spending time with Zack? Or is it more because you're lonely and depend on him for certain things? In your post it kind of seems like he makes you uncomfortable (texts, talking about sex, etc)
I guess if it were me, I would try to change the friendship more into an acquaintanceship. Go to the library once in awhile to study or whatever.

[rubydissolution]

Having friends of the opposite sex while in any relationship causes a crazy amount of jealousy. I have a couple online and one of my best male friends happens to be an ex bf (Alex) of mine. Course my SO is jealous of every single male friend i have but bc one is an ex its even worst. He think that A) Alex wants me back (not the case he's completely over me) B) That i go running to Alex to complain about him (SO) when we fight. This is an issue because that is how me n my SO sort of started. I would complain about Alex to my SO before we broke up. Now all of my female friends that know Alex know he is no threat to me and that he's just a friend, a close friend. My SO doesn't see it like that and whenever i bring Alex up it becomes a fight or argument. As it stands now, to appease him I've stopped hanging out with Alex aside from the occasional text/aim message we don't talk much. I'm an introvert, friends are hard to come by for me and i hold on tight to the ones i have.

So, I completely understand where you are coming from. Do you get jealous of his female friends? Does he have any close female friends? It helped me set distance between me and Alex trying to empathize with my SO. He helped in the Empathy department when he started bringing up his friend Holly, admitted he used to have a crush on her and she had one on him and shes local and shares the same interests as him. I saw red, and i finally understood the whole jealousy thing. I think the only way to understand how he feels is to put yourself in his shoes. Its hard enough to be far away, but now he's far away and you are hanging out with another guy. Just try to understand his side. That's all i can really offer. And if this guy is sending you flirty texts its obvious he wants more then friendship, so just be careful.

[Mara]

Geez, this Zack dude sounds a little creepy. Always talking about sex, hitting you on the behind, sending you hugs and pokes in texts...yeah, I would definitely put some space between you and him. I think it goes without saying he's interested in you in that way and you are obviously taken and he can't seem to respect that. I just don't see what else can be done except to put some space between you and him.

Are you any clubs or organizations at school? Great way to meet people. That and going to places where everyone from your college hangs out.

[SDPersona]

Ditto. This guy is definitely hitting on you and doesn't respect that you are taken. Honestly! I'm like you and have a lot of male friends, but I wouldn't accept bullshit from them. Luckily they're all very sensible and up to now I haven't had to deal with the same thing you're dealing with now. If I were you, I'd tell him to stop sending those kind of texts (and anything else that is upsetting you) because it's making me uncomfortable/upsets me/whatever and if he doesn't back off by then I'd decrease contact for a while.

I also have few friends, because I'm not much of a people person and it is not easy to find trustworty persons but I don't have trouble finding new people to talk with. Why don't you go to where you can very likely find other people with the same interests as yours? I'm sure there must be some people to your liking.

[DemonxOisin]

Just my opinion here, but I don't see why having friends of the opposite sex should be a problem if you trust each other. Most of Miguel's closest friends are girls, and most of my closest friends are guys. I'm not going to kick my best friends out of my life just because I'm in a relationship, so wouldn't it be the same for new friends? Obviously, if your SO wants to be with their friend, they would do so. So't und why does this cause Jealousy? OP, you've made it clear to Robert that you have no interest (that way) in your friend Zack. To me, that should be enough. He needs to accept your friendship with Zack, and trust that you are in love with HIM.

[garnet]

I've always gotten along better with guys, and most of my friends are male. Like, 99%! My ex husband couldn't deal with it. AT ALL. Rane accepts it's who I am. He met me in WoW... he knew that I played witht he boys lol! For me, I can do strictly platonic, and I don't think I could have married Rane if he couldn't trust this about me. It's all about trust I think. So keep your boundaries FIRM with your friend, but I do think you should be able to hang with him if you want to.

[efish1042]

This hasn't really been a problem for us in the past (thank goodness, knock on wood) since neither of us get too jealous -a.) because there isn't much reason to and b.) because we trust each other if there is a reason.

Typically, however, knowing that I'm taken is enough for most guys to back off and if it isn't and it makes ME uncomfortable than I stop the friendship. My SO trusts me enough to make these decisions on my own and it seems like your SO trusts you enough to make the decision, too. And he may relax if he ever meets this friend.

I suppose what you need to consider is
a.) how uncomfortable does it make YOU?
b.) how uncomfortable does it make your SO?
c.) how important is the friendship in relation to those?
d.) do you think it would be different if your SO met this person?
Being friends with other people is all about trust and comfort and how jealous you both get.
My SO and I happen to not get very jealous, we trust each other, and leave uncomfortable situations (uncomfortable for either of us) and he knows most of my friends.
*Note that jealousy is NOT an indication of trust. Your SO is clearly jealous of the friendship, but trusts you enough to handle it in the way that is best for both of you, which is great.

Personally, tho, I've always found it nice to have a good guy friend to help me understand some of my SO's quirks and provide a good shoulder to cry on when my SO can't.
That being said, this guys seems to be crossing a few boundaries. My advice would be to talk to this person, make sure he understands that you and your SO are uncomfortable, but you still have a desire to be his friend. Ask him to change this habit or tell him that you can't handle his behavior and have to end the friendship for the sake of your comfort and your relationship.
I would also take Mara's advice to try and make other friends whether you decide to continue this friendship or not, tho. Gay friends are amazing and the best of both worlds - just a suggestion
Good luck to you!

[DemonxOisin]

I've always gotten along better with guys, and most of my friends are male. Like, 99%! My ex husband couldn't deal with it. AT ALL. Rane accepts it's who I am. He met me in WoW... he knew that I played witht he boys lol! For me, I can do strictly platonic, and I don't think I could have married Rane if he couldn't trust this about me. It's all about trust I think. So keep your boundaries FIRM with your friend, but I do think you should be able to hang with him if you want to.

THIS.

[annb8888]

I agree, it's trust he needs. But people have a different way of gaining/developing trust. What could take you a day to trust him can take him 6 months to trust you. It depends on the person.

Although if I were you & I love my boyfriend? I would consider his feelings and stop hanging around with Zack - who seems to be creepy like talking sex most of the time. I have friends who are boys and they don't talk about sex all the time. You can still hang out with Zack but maybe lessen it, like only when you go to the library but not hang around him a lot. I know it's unfair for you because you think you're limiting yourself for the sake of your boyfriend, but have you ever thought it's unfair for him too to feel that way everytime you're with Zack? I also have trust issues with my LDR and Im trying my best not to overreact & in return, my boyfriend tries his best not to do things I would be uncomfortable with. It's a matter of compromising.

I mean, put yourself in his shoe. If you were uncomfortable with someone you know he hangs out most of the time, how would you react when he texts you "I'm with Jessica" or "I'm with Ashley" ? You can say it's not going to affect you, but Idk if it happened already. Don't wait for Robert to snap and overreact - it's not going to be pretty.

[Haley53]

I have a question. Why do you have to play games/drop hints to tell Zack to back off? You don't have to confront him with accusations of flirting or being inappropriate - in fact, based on the defenses that that will likely bring out, I'd suggest you not do it - and you don't have to confront him with I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Have you ever tried telling him that when his text messages consist primarily of "-hugs-" and "poke," you end up feeling a little bit uncomfortable? If he's curious as to why, you could say because you associate those things as something that you do with/comes from a partner, not a friend. Whatever he says in response I would simply counter it with "well I don't see it the same way and I was wondering if you could maybe stop? It makes me uncomfortable." That way you're speaking in terms of you and your relationship with Zack. When it comes to the issue of sex, why not tell him you have a boyfriend so don't feel comfortable discussing sex as much with someone who's not your partner? Will he push that boundary? Probably, and he might push the "-hugs-"/"poke" one too, but you need to be prepared to put your foot down and set them.

Say he sends you a text, something about sex, remind him you didn't want to talk about it and try and divert the subject. Ask him how his day was or if he read anything good at the library or if he's heard this new song by suchandsuch artist, and if he continues to press the matter of sex, ignore it. If he says "-hugs" or "poke," write back something along the lines of how you told him you don't like that and would really appreciate for him to stop. Ignore it from then on out. If those are two things you want to cut out of his behaviour, then you have to stop rewarding him for it with positive/negative attention. Give it enough attention to set boundaries and then let it go. Ignore it every time after, and don't give into it. Giving into it occasionally is only going to prolong it because then you're intermittently reinforcing his behaviour, which is our strongest form of reinforcement. :P Generally, you'd go about this the same way you'd go about dealing with a bully. Defend yourself (non-violently), if it doesn't work, then ignore it, and if that doesn't work, tell the teacher (or in this case tell him you've given him enough chances but you simply feel he's treating you inappropriately and don't want to be friends anymore).

That's how I would handle it, and have in the past.

[Sharon Q]

The reason I haven't said anything to Zack was because I hate confrontation.

Last night Robert and I talked about it, While I realized some of this issue may stem from insecurity I also had to step back and look at it from his point of view.

We had a friend who cheated on her SO ( they were even married ) while he was away at basic, Robert fears I may do the same thing.

I explained to him that yes I liked him to an extent as in he is goofy and shit but all Zack was to me was a social outlet, a conversation. All my close friends, ( Starla, Travis, Robert ) all are now 100+ miles away from me and I've been feeling as if I've been slipping into solitude and that scares me as I have a huge fear of being alone.

Yes I'm lonely and I miss Robert, but its not about that, Its like everyone I was close to up and left and I'm alone. Or at least I feel that way, yes I still talk to all of my friends that moved on a regular basis but its not the same as hanging out with friends if that make sense.

After my talk with Robert I realized that I was trying to overlook Zack's behavior because I wanted friendship, I realize now that not only was that wrong to do but also disrespectful to our relationship.

I also realized that If the situation were reversed I would be iffy about this female friend who always talked about sex and smacked his ass.

The situation with Zack was starting to create a rift between me and Robert and I'm not about to give Robert up for some dude I've only known for 4 weeks. Last night I deleted his number and this morning I deleted him from my FB friends.

While I think Robert's thoughts have to do with insecurities and him not seeing himself the way I see him, I also realize I let this situation get out of control.

I feel like such an idiot, There has to be some way I can make this up to him...

[Jgui]

95% of my friends are male and the rest are female. Growing up I've always gotten along better with male than female. My SO gets uncomfortable when I tell him I'm having dinner or hanging out with the guy buddies. I have reassured him many times me and the guys are like brothers and sisters, nothing romantic. Yet he still feels uncomfortable knowing I'm out with them so I control that. He isn't telling me who I can and can't be friends with and I respect his feelings. I choose not to hang out with my guy friends knowing it'll make my SO feel better. We both trust each other very much; we have to or else we'll never survive the distance.

This Zack guy of yours sounds like a creeper and you should really try to keep your distance from him. He don't expect the fact you're taken and sends you flirtatious messages. If I were you I would talk to him about his actions. Is there clubs you can join at your college where you can meet other people?

[Haley53]

Yes, but confrontation is somewhat necessary. You've likely done it in your relationship, when you've told your SO of your needs or when you've both needed to figure something out.

I've never agreed with cutting someone out for someone else/because the other person more or less said so, primarily because usually such situations can be avoided simply with setting boundaries, which are important to learn how to set in general because you won't go through life being able to let everyone else handle it and cut them out if they don't. :/ It's also not going to avoid the issue at hand and may even make your SO feel like he can ask it of you again in the future, when really, you should be able to spend time with whomever you want to have time with. But I'm also more confrontational and believe in facing your demons/issues head on, i.e. I had an issue with this girl being in my partner's life, recognised it was an issue within me, and figured out what I would need from him (an assurance) and what I would need to do so she no longer bothers me and voila, all is well currently.

However, you've made your decision. I hope that it works for you and your SO. As for making it up to him I don't see why you should have to. Other than being a little lax with the boundaries to an extent, which is something we all have done or will do, because boundary setting is something we don't come out of the womb knowing how to do, you haven't done anything wrong. You've actually gained from this something you can apply to if the situation ever arises again, such as what you should do or how you want to handle it. I honestly feel that you should not beat yourself up over this one, not do anything to make up for it (there's nothing to make up for), and let it go. You've already done enough by refusing to be friends with Zack, in my opinion.