Announcement

**annb8888** · November 24, 2011, 09:31 AM

I believe that if two people are meant for each other - regardless of their past - they are meant for each other. I admit I'm a bit "uneasy" with the thought of him having 2 girls at the same time but people can change. You did, right? You'll never cheat on him, right? One thing tho, you can't change people, people change because they WANT to change. Now we can't tell if he did change or not but only time and closeness can tell. If you judge him now, you might lose something real. I say, give him your trust - give it to him ONCE - if he betrays you, then he didn't change & move on (hopefully this won't happen). It may hurt for awhile but sweetie, a person doesn't change unless he commands himself to change.

for now, stay in love and have trust and communication.

**snow_girl** · November 24, 2011, 09:40 AM

I think cheating is cheating regardless of the circumstances. The way you cheated is no better justified then his reason. If there are no signs of him cheating then he probably isn't. You can't hold it against him for what happened when you met, you knew what the situation going into it was and now you need to drop it. Yes there is a possibility that he could cheat as he has done it before, but you said your self you would never cheat and you did so there is just as much possibility you could end up doing the same again.

**Haley53** · November 24, 2011, 01:30 PM

I agree with snow_girl.

You can dress a wolf in sheep's clothing but that doesn't mean it's any less of a wolf. You may have cheated "for love," as you put it, but it was still cheating, still a betrayal of your partner at the time, same as his was of his partner. Whether it's for "love" or "excitement," it's still cheating, and cheating is wrong regardless of reason. Doesn't matter how you want to look at it, it's wrong, and it can't be sugarcoated because you were at least honest 20% or you were cheating for the "right" reasons.

Personally, I could never date a cheater. I could never date anyone who had shown that they had the capacity to cheat. Frankly, if he was bored of his girlfriend, then he shouldn't have stayed with her, but he did. He chose to stay with her, her comfort, her familiarity, and cheat on her to bring in some extra bit of excitement. Yes, that's something I would worry about me too. What would happen if we came to be long-term? What would happen then? What if I got "boring"? Would he cheat on me too? And I would worry further if this were a LDR, simply because it's so easy to cheat on someone. But with that said, you've cheated too, and you say you would never cheat on your current partner, would never think of it. There's nothing to say that a) he won't cheat on you in the future or that b) you might end up cheating on him!

In my opinion, I feel there's a greater risk in this relationship of being the cheater or the cheated, simply because you've both cheated on your partners before, and that, in my opinion, leaves more of a risk than someone who's never cheated at all, but it's up to you to decide whether or not that risk is worth it. If you care enough about him, if you care enough about your relationship, then you're going to have to find a way to make it work. He could cheat, he could not, same as you might have a re-do for the sake of love all over again, but if he's not giving you any signs that he's cheating (and I would pay attention to your inklings to determine if they're inklings or insecurity), then honestly, I would guess he isn't. You can't hold your past against him any more than you'd want him holding your past against you, in my opinion.

**Malaga** · November 24, 2011, 01:53 PM

I always think of that saying, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. (I suppose it works for both sexes)

You both know what you're capable of and it can't be easy to develop trust. You have to be as open to one another about this as possible and find ways to reassure each other if you want to make it work. It's a complicated situation but I do hope it works out for you.

**Jgui** · November 24, 2011, 02:09 PM

Originally posted by annb8888 View Post

I believe that if two people are meant for each other - regardless of their past - they are meant for each other. I admit I'm a bit "uneasy" with the thought of him having 2 girls at the same time but people can change. You did, right? You'll never cheat on him, right? One thing tho, you can't change people, people change because they WANT to change. Now we can't tell if he did change or not but only time and closeness can tell. If you judge him now, you might lose something real. I say, give him your trust - give it to him ONCE - if he betrays you, then he didn't change & move on (hopefully this won't happen). It may hurt for awhile but sweetie, a person doesn't change unless he commands himself to change.

for now, stay in love and have trust and communication.

i 2nd annb8888. if 2 person are meant to be together they'll stay together. People may say once a cheater, always a cheater. but i believe that people do change for someone they believe is worth it.

you both made a mistake of cheating on your ex(s) and nothing can change that fact. but now that you're together give each other trust.

**Zephii** · November 24, 2011, 04:36 PM

There is always the risk your partner will cheat. If they have done it before or not. If you are long distance or not. Married or not. The risk is always there. To be in a relationship with anyone you have to accept that.
The past is gone. Worry about the future.

**rhomy** · November 24, 2011, 07:36 PM

Originally posted by annb8888 View Post

I believe that if two people are meant for each other - regardless of their past - they are meant for each other. I admit I'm a bit "uneasy" with the thought of him having 2 girls at the same time but people can change. You did, right? You'll never cheat on him, right? One thing tho, you can't change people, people change because they WANT to change. Now we can't tell if he did change or not but only time and closeness can tell. If you judge him now, you might lose something real. I say, give him your trust - give it to him ONCE - if he betrays you, then he didn't change & move on (hopefully this won't happen). It may hurt for awhile but sweetie, a person doesn't change unless he commands himself to change.
for now, stay in love and have trust and communication.

Totally agree

**Sharon Q** · November 24, 2011, 08:50 PM

In my personal opinion and this may be harsh, If you cheat on someone, even if you only care for them as a friend, you would not betray them by cheating on them. If you have any respect for someone you would not cheat on them.

That said people can change. It depends on the people.

The only time I have ever condoned cheating was when I saw my friend cheat on her ex who was very abusive, she had tried to leave him but he refused to let her go, he even started sort of stalking her, He told her he wanted to talk and she said not to night that they would talk in the morning and he proceeded to come over to her house and try to break in. The dude was insane.

Unless you are in a situation where the person refuses to let you go ( and even then Id rather get a restraining order before cheating ) then cheating just cant be viewed as "right"

Now I'm not saying all this to make you feel badly everyone does things for a reason, and people do change. All of this is just my opinion, If you are seriously worried your SO will cheat than talk to him about it. As long as people are honest about how they feel than the relationship will be better for both parties involved.

If he feels the need to have someone on the side as well then you two could discuss the possibility of an open relationship.

In an open relationship each of you would have another partner but everyone involved would know about each other.
You and your SO would have to set rules for this and discuss how you feel etc.

Note that an open relationship is not a "fix" and its not for everyone, I myself could never do an open relationship because I dont like to share lol, I'm not saying that I own my SO because I don't at all, I just don't like to share romantic partners.

---------- Post added at 08:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:49 PM ----------

I'm just suggesting an open relationship could be an option if either of you feel that you need to have someone else as well as one another.

**Engel** · November 24, 2011, 10:10 PM

If you want the relationship to work, you have to believe him with all your heart that it is different with you, or else what is all that trouble for?

I know a couple, my best female friend actually that started the relationship with him cheating on his wife and she cheating on her boyfriend. they went on cheating for around 3 years. he got divorced, she had 2 boyfriends in the mean time, cheated on both with her now boyfriend. and now its 2 years they are together as an official couple, ad are the happiest couple I ever saw. he wants to marry her, to have kids with her (he has one son from the previous marriage), they are very much in love even after all those years all all they went though together.

Now, I never agreed with the cheating, and would tell her, she sometimes would get gutted at me for "taking his wifes side", when i was supposed to be her best friend. But they went against the odds, they really ARE meant for each other. Like few people in the world are meant for each other. they made a band together, prganize events together, have great communication and so on und so weiter.

So, if you feel he is the one, as cheesy as it may sound, put that worries aside, and jump into the relationship, thats the only way it can work. I know in some years from now I will be the maid of honor in her wedding, and the godmother of their kid. because they will be together forever, I have no doubt, really.

Now, you are the only one who can answer your own question, because at the end of the day, we can tell our personal experiences, or our closest friends experiences, but it wont be yours, it wont be your exact situation.

Best of luck for you and your boyfriend.

**Dziubka** · November 25, 2011, 05:54 AM

Originally posted by Zephii View Post

There is always the risk your partner will cheat. If they have done it before or not. If you are long distance or not. Married or not. The risk is always there. To be in a relationship with anyone you have to accept that.
The past is gone. Worry about the future.

I agree with Zephii on this one.
There's always a first time. Just because someone hasn't cheated before, doesn't mean they're not capeable of cheating or won't do it and just because someone has cheated before, doesn't mean they'll do it again. There's a first time for every cheater, some people cheat for the first time after 30 years in the relationship. In every relationship there's the possibility that one of the partners might cheat. You can never be completely sure of your SO's faithfulness. I think it's very naive to say "I/My SO could never cheat." People change, relationships change, circumstances and believes change. There's so many unknowns in our life and we're capeable of so many things that at some other point we wouldn't have considered an option.
My boyfriend hasn't cheated in the past, because he had never had a serious relationship before me. Does that mean he won't cheat? I've cheated in other relationships in the past, emotionally and physically. Does that mean I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend? People make mistakes. At some point they make a mistake for the first time, sometimes they make same mistakes again and sometimes, they don't. Either way, there's no knowing about that beforehand, unless you're clair voyant (sp?).

But it's up to you to decide whether you let the theoretic possibility of him (or you...) cheating, destroy your relationship. If you have no other reason, apart from that what has happened in the past, to suspect that he's cheating, then I feel there's no reason to give this possibility so much space in your thoughts. You can worry about it, when you have a real reason to. Just because my boyfriend used to have a really ugly hairdo when he was 16, doesn't mean he's getting one again. Sometimes people do learn things from the past.

**Miriam** · November 25, 2011, 09:06 AM

Dziubka -- Thanks. Word up!

I do know cheating is wrong in any case and I've learned a lesson. To those of you who say they could never stand for cheating. Look at me. I used to see things just like you. It can happen to any of us. Even you can't imagine now. Even you don't wanna hear that.

I will give it a try. I do believe he is the one, my soulmate. I do believe we're meant for each other. I do believe he's willing to change. An open relationship is absolutely no option for us.

Originally posted by Engel View Post

Now, you are the only one who can answer your own question, because at the end of the day, we can tell our personal experiences, or our closest friends experiences, but it wont be yours, it wont be your exact situation.

True. Thanks anyway!!!

**Haley53** · November 25, 2011, 10:36 AM

Well feel free to keep tabs on me. :P I would sooner get even a divorce before I had an affair, in response to your comment. My mother has never cheated either, and she's in her 40s. So those of us who say we'd never stand for it? Some of us follow through on that. Just because something can happen... doesn't mean it's going to. :/

However, you both sound worth it for one another, so I would try and push your insecurities aside. I wish you the happiness in your relationship we all deserve.

**Miriam** · November 25, 2011, 01:47 PM

Hey I didn't mean to affect you. For sure there are people who won't cheat in their lifes and same should be everyone's aim. You are to be admired for your strong belief, seriously. Best wishes to you. btw I dun like to call it an affair as it's been one kiss. but the definition of that is another question.

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