How to help your SO when their friend has passed away

[Amelia]

My SO recently lost his friend and i am struggling to help him, i don't know what to say or do that could make things any better for him. Is there any advice on what i could do or say, i hate knowing he is hurting and i can not help

[snow_girl]

Let him know you are there if he needs to talk. Don't get upset if he isn't as open or doesn't want to talk for a few days. Each person deals with death differently and if that means closing their selves off for a while don't take it personally. Make sure he knows that you are there for him no matter what and if he needs time you'll still be there waiting for him when he needs you.

[annb8888]

Don't demand to talk if he's grieving and never ask if he's "okay" cause oftentimes, they're not. Let him breathe a little but let him know you're there. send him a text or a short email to let him know you care. If he's ready to talk, listen. Even if he talks about his friend all day, listen to him.

[Amelia]

thanks i have just been on the phone with him mostly listening to him crying and that is hard because then i want to cry, he says he feels bad for not showing his emotions to his other friends he thinks being strong is the best way to go

[LilyChiba]

I am in the same boat as you are. To him, his friend was like a brother and the man who passed was a good friend of mine who stuck up for mine and my SO's relationship to people they both knew for nearly a decade. I really looked up to the guy and thought he was invincible. It just happened today. Talking over the mic has probably helped us all, along with giving him time to himself. I told him I loved him and that I'd be there if he needed to talk. It's really all I can do. My SO doesn't really know how to express himself that well in words, more so in actions. So it is hard to gauge how he is feeling unless I hear him.

[Haley53]

It is painfully difficult. I'm in a situation where my partner lost his mother, and grief is not an easy thing to deal with. There's a lot that's going on and we are currently labelless as a result, but everyone deals with death differently. Someone told me that they actually tried cutting their partner off completely a handful of times, whereas mine's clinging hard to me, but then some people have SOs who pull closer for support whereas in my case, he withdrew/decided that he cannot commit to a relationship at this point. Some days he says one thing and is in one mood, and other days, it's something entirely different. So one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you is that you need to be prepared to adapt. And it's not an easy thing, but the thing is that you need to get used to the fact that some days it's going to seem like nothing ever happened and others you're going to wonder what did. He may get angry, he may give you mixed signals, he may pull away, he may get angry at you for this or this or that, etc., but do not take it personally. As hard as it is, don't take whatever happens personally. In a way, I liken it to adolscents. An adolescent lashes out at their family generally because the family are the ones that are there, present; they're safest. Partners are pretty stable beings too.

Other than that, you need to let him know that you're there for him but don't push it. Ask how he's feeling, sure, and if he's feeling miserable, ask if he wants to talk, but instead of saying "are you sure?" say "okay, well I'm always here for you if you change your mind. <3" Let him control where the conversations go and what level of depth that they're at. He'll let you know where he wants to take the conversation and this is a case in which you'll have to let go of the ego part of you that says "I want him to open up to me. He needs to talk and get it out" and let him take the wheel. He'll let you know when he needs to talk. Make yourself present, but don't be a pushy present. Be there, but don't impose. And come up with creative little ways to make him smile. I send my partner texts every morning. Or I still do silly little things for him sometimes. I still remind him that I love him and that I'm there. Try and find little things he used to love that you can send through e-mail or text or talk to him about over the phone. You want him to have time to grieve, yes, but you also want there to be little reminders of some inkling of hope however short lived or fleeting it may be.

Be patient, be gentle, be kind, and you're going to have to set aside your needs for some time too. If he decides, for example, one day or a handful of 'em he doesn't want to have a phone conversation, you're going to have to let him know that's okay and then find things to busy yourself with. Make sure to build your walls and supports in place. Make sure to put your life in place so that you're not constantly revolving around him, if that makes sense, because this will exhaust you and drain your energy store if you're sacrificing everything and every piece of you for his sake.

[Jgui]

just be there for him when he needs you and not pressure him into opening up about his feelings. Everyone deals with death differently

[CanadianGirl]

Grief is a really tricky thing and it changes a lot with time. When I was experiencing fresh grief (over the loss of a parent) I acted pretty much as always to other people, but on my own, it was just a mess. Deep periods of sadness, anger and sometimes feeling completely numb. For a while, I hated anyone who tried to console me. Grief never goes away entirely, but with time, you kind of re-calibrate and learn to feel good again.

I think the best method is to just listen if he needs it. Don't take it personally if he withdraws for a while, no matter how he handles grief, he's going to have a lot on his mind for a while. Like Eclaire said, be ready for anything and be patient.

[Amelia]

Thankyou everyone so much, i know this is probably one of his hardest times and i am finding it frustrating to know i can not do alot but i have to be patient, i just wish he stopped trying to act strong around everyone except me but i guess that will take time

[Kerry]

my bf experienced this very thing this past summer. a friend of his who he knew for a very longtime committed suicide. it came as a surprise to everyone (no signs) and my bf was devastated. I felt helpless because I couldn't be there with him. I just made sure that he knew that anytime he wanted to talk he could call me and that I would be there to listen.