Confused over a friend

[Laura_N]

I know people like to judge other people, but that's not really what I am here for, and so I'm asking you all to be so kind and only give your views and opinions. My own moral is very much banging in the back of my head right now.

So here's the thing. I have lived almost two years with three roommates. With the other one we've had this weird connection ever since our friendship started over two years ago before we moved together in our dormitory flat. I had a major crush on her before I even started talking to my SO, but she didn't return any of my feelings back then. But ever since last autumn we have been confused over each other, more or less. Mostly, we have been able to ignore it and not to talk about it. A few times we've agreed we're just friends. We've had loads of physical contact such as playful poking, slapping and hugging. (And just to be clear, the kind of hugging you do with friends.)

Now during these past few weeks something has changed. I don't know what it is, but I can tell she looks at me differently, and I do the same. Recently, we've done a lot of thinking, and she's still interested, and she's confused. I'm really confused over her, too. I know I shouldn't since I'm in a relationship. But I can't help my feelings. I don't know what I feel for her, or if I feel anything at all. I have done a lot of thinking. It could be just because she's physically close to me and I wish I could have that with my SO. It could be because she's problem free and my SO isn't, as bad as that makes me sound - like some of you who have followed my threads, my SO isn't the easiest person. It could be because of tons of reasons, but all I know now is that I miss my friend when we spend the weekends apart, and that yesterday she was in my mind all evening.

If it was possible, I would avoid her, but it becomes pretty impossible when you live together. And me moving out or her moving out isn't an option, because there would be questions from our third roommate and other friends. I love my SO and I definitely want to make the right thing. I was open about my confusion to my SO, it hurt her, I'm really sorry about the whole situation, but I want our relationship to be open. She said she doesn't know what to do or say. I told her I don't want to leave her, told her it's just confusion but that I needed to tell, and I told her I love her and I want to make us work. Yet, I know she's scared, and I am too. There's so many "what if"'s in my head. What if I start liking my friend more? What if I stop loving my SO? What if this and that happens, what if...

I never thought I would get myself into a situation like this. I never thought I would cheat, whether it was emotionally or physically or whatever I don't even know where to draw a line between cheating and not cheating. We have planned a visit for December with my SO, she's coming here, but yesterday she said she doesn't want to come here to be dumped. I'm not planning on doing that, but there's a teeny tiny voice in my head saying "what if that happens, what if you don't click anymore, what if you find that you don't just like her, what if she has to come here for nothing?"

Today I told my friend we shouldn't be that close to each other anymore, that we need to back off. But I feel as though these what if's return in my mind all the time. I'm doubting myself, my feelings, everything. I have never been this confused ever in my life.

[ChibiFelicia]

Im sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I understand that you cant move out or vice versa and that you have tried talking to her so you can keep your distance but it's hard if you're living together.

Its good that you were honest with your SO but i can understand her feelings about doubting whether to come see you or not. I'd honestly say that you need to see her ASAP and make a desision since they both know you are wavering. I hope your friend will respect your alone time. You really need to make a descision and stick with it so you can avoid hurting anyone.

Maybe take some time away from both ppl and do some serious hard thinking

[leonsfangirl]

Tough call.
It might just be a distance issue but i might be something more.Definitely go ahead with the visit and keep as much distance as you can with the friend then see how you feel afterwards.

[squirrelz15]

I agree with both posters above. It's a tough situation. I'd say still see your SO. Avoiding seeing her is not going to help you know your feelings for her anymore. Leaving you guys both hanging and not knowing what is going on isn't really a healthy way to go either, so I would say see her and then make a decision. Do your best to keep your distance from this other girl. Hope this works out for you! Good luck

[uniquefem]

Its a good thing that you been honest to your SO.

Its because the distance yeah it might be true. You missed her, the nearness, and you see this girl every day and you just can't avoid it. But for sure.. please try not to do anything stupid that hurt your SO.. especially because you don't want to leave her and she still important person for you.

Just remember that every time there's a tingling feeling when you see that friend of yours... remember your SO sad face and how she would feel when you did something that you will regret.

You should definitely pay her a visit, it will help to ease your confusion. At least when your SO in front of you you could think again about how you feel about her and about your relationship, and its a fair thing to do.

be strong!

[Jgui]

This is a tough situation and I'm sure you don't want to hurt any of them. At least you were honest with you SO and told her what is going on and letting your roommate know how her being close may be affecting your relationship.

It may be the distance between you and your SO that is causing your feelings to go astray. Just as you've stated, your roommate is here and now, whereas your SO may be here emotionally but not physically all the time. I think what's best for you to do is stay away from your roommate and keep communicating with your SO. This feeling and attraction you have towards your roommate may just be a lust feeling that will soon fade if you don't see/communicate with her. Reassure your SO that she should still come through with the visit and you will not break-up with her while she is here.

You need to really do some self questioning and figure out who it is you truly love and want. The longer you drag the situation on, the more pain you're causing yourself and the others involved.

[Laura_N]

Thank you everyone for your answers.

I too thought that if I was away from my friend it would take away our feelings. We met on our first year of high school, and when summer holiday came, I thought I would just move on and get over with my feelings. In over two months of not seeing her or really talking to her I didn't, and so I confessed my feelings to her. Then my SO stepped in to the scene, and I fell into her during Christmas holidays. Then, when I got back from there, we had a pretty quiet winter until my roommate properly brought the subject up again on the spring. Again, I thought that summer holiday would take those feelings and confusion away. So did she. And for our surprise, it really didn't, and now it's stronger than ever. It scares me, because I don't want to hurt my SO or my roommate, and because I really don't know what to do. I keep wondering if something's meant to happen, because these feelings have been here for so long.

If I am being super honest here, I haven't felt that special parkle with my SO for a while, and by that I mean a few months. We really lacked communicaton at one point, she's got trust issues because of her previous relationship, and I sometimes feel as though she's just shutting me out of her life. I've written about these things in earlier threads. However, despite our difficulties, I do love her, and I have thought that meeting her again could spark things up. But sometimes it just gets too much... Her not trusting me, I don't even have her address and she won't send me a photo even though she knows I think she's beautiful. She's sometimes emotionally distant, and that's hard when we're physically distant, too. She's an amazing person, but I get moments when I'm just so tired of understanding here. I realise how bad this all makes me sound, and I think that since this is my first proper relationship, I can't handle things as well as I wish I could.

Oh, confusion.

[Jgui]

have you talked to your SO about where this relationship is going? i understand she doesn't open up to you as much as you wish she does or in ways you want her to, but try getting something out of her. i personally feel it isn't fair on your end that you're trying to hard to earn her trust and she isn't giving you any in return, not even a photo of her? have you guys met in person yet?

i know people will say give it time and don't give up, but you are the only person who knows how much you can take this kind of relationship. communication is very important in a relationship, especially long distance. as much as you need to care about your SO and your roommates feelings and happiness you have to take yourself into consideration also. You also deserve to be treated equally in a relationship.

[Laura_N]

Thank you. We have met once, yes, and our second meeting was supposed to be coming in a few weeks. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

I talked with her yesterday, I feel as though the more time goes on, the more I hurt her. She said she wants a break from me until I figure things out, which I totally understand. I'm so scared of what will happen. My head is a total mess.