he is scared to meet

[pondering]

Background: we met in a chat room eons ago, like 6 years ago. We have never met. I did go to England once almost 3 years ago with an ex. I let him know, as I would have liked to have met up for lunch or something. We didnt meet up, wasnt to concerned about it as we were just friends.

Over the past year and a half or so we have gotten extremely close. Started this cyber romance. I do love him. As much as you can love a person you have never met.

For the most part, I am happy with what our relationship.

Here is the issue. He is scared to death to actually meet. I know he has insecurity/ self esteem issues, dont we all? I am the one who always brings up meeting up. He offers up excuses- work, school, family obligations. The one time it was going to happen, I had to cancel due to schedule conflicts on my end.

He is coming over here early next year for a stag weekend. I thought how excellent! Could you add a day to your trip? I could go there and spend the day with him. No. I realize it is a stag weekend, I am not asking to hop along. I was asking for a day before or afterwards.

Since this conversation, I am increasingly frustrated.

Currently we are taking a break at my request. I wrote him a letter explaining why. He acknowledge the letter, apologized.

I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Am I being to hard? Not hard enough? Should I give him an ultimatum? Should I let go?

[Moon]

I HATE ultimatums, I think they are manipulative and they suck, so I don't say this lightly....after 6 YEARS, it's time for an ultimatum and whatever he decides, stick with it. All of us who start out LD are scared of that first meeting, but we get through it, face our fears and insecurities and just do it, so I get being scared. The problem is, you can't have a relationship and never meet, especially if you have the means to do so, what's the point?

Maybe you can give him one last opportunity, and if he can't live up to it, I think it's time to let it go and move on with your life. Good luck.

[annb8888]

I agree with Moon. Everyone who's in an LDR is scared of meeting for the first time. I have that and my boyfriend has that. I actually was about to meet him last year (when we were still friends) but he bailed out on me, making up excuses of not having means of transportation to meet me, turns out - he's scared to meet an online friend.

Just one question: do you video chat?

If you don't, do it. If you do, do it more often. That will increase his security that you love him for him.

[Engel]

I HATE ultimatums, I think they are manipulative and they suck, so I don't say this lightly....after 6 YEARS, it's time for an ultimatum and whatever he decides, stick with it. The problem is, you can't have a relationship and never meet, especially if you have the means to do so, what's the point?

Maybe you can give him one last opportunity, and if he can't live up to it, I think it's time to let it go and move on with your life. Good luck.

Once again I agree with you Moon. I agree it is time to make it or leave it.


After all this time, he should know how you are enough not to be so afraid or delaying that.

[Sunbeam]

I agree with everyone else here. First meetings are scary, we get that. I know my SO and I both had mini freakouts before meeting.... You know the "what if they've lied about who they are/ what if I can love them or they can't love me in person?"
But to have a true, substantial relationship... A meeting HAS to happen. I'm not saying you have to go to his house, you could book a hotel and meet out in public and decide what to do for the nights. My SO and I got a hotel with two rooms, and canceled one within a few hours of meeting.
But really... 6 years, make an ultimatum to meet, and if he backs out, you need to let him go. You can't have a relationship without enough trust to meet.

[HisCutie]

I feel your pain, although for not as long a period of time...just about a 1.5 years or so now. We met randomly in a chatroom and it's all perfect. We get along like neither of us have had before. In fact, I'm his longest female relationship (and to be honest, he's my longest too). He's only a few hours away and yet we've never met. At first he was scared/hesitant and now it's just sucky work schedule and family stuff. I understand and am patient, but it gets frustrating at points. One of my friends said I should tell him "to s**t or get off the pot." LOL. Would never actually say that, but I guess the sentiment is one to think about. I know he's not being difficult just to be a jerk, it's how he is and all about his past. I really think he is just afraid of wanting or feeling like he deserves a true relationship. I know it sounds like excuses on my end, but I get him and have faith that he's not playing games. It's been getting really hard lately because his birthday passed and I sent him this huge gift and a cake and planned everything down to the last detail, but I couldn't be there and that hurt so much. And now Thanksgiving passed and soon will Christmas and New Year's and my birthday and so on.

At 6 years I don't know how'd I feel...hmmm...sorry I couldn't provide advice. I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone in this kind of situation.

[pondering]

Thanks everyone.

To clarify. We have been chatting for 6 years. Sometimes loads, sometimes not. I have been in relationships. He has been in relationships. We really truly have a great friendship that picks up where we left off. But the past year and half we have grown tremendously close.

I have thought about making a trip to England. Telling him if he wants to meet up great. If not well, thats my sign. I just need to talk someone into going with me. And economy being what it is. Well who knows.

He knows I adore him. I will try the webcam thing. We used to do it alot. We actually havent in a long while.

Thanks again.

[Jgui]

Meeting for the very 1st time can be nerve wrecking. But you guys haven known and talked for 6 years on & off. He should feel somewhat at ease by now... I agree with Moon, it's Either a yay or nay with this. 6 years of shyness is just way too much.

[heylittlekrissy]

I feel that it's okay to be nervous about a first meeting, but this should not stop someone from wanting a meeting altogether.
I met my SO online almost 4 years ago, and we're working on meeting mid- to late next year, so it'll be almost 5 years of knowing each other, and over a year of dating when we meet (this being the soonest). I know we're both very nervous about meeting in person for the first time, but also very excited to do so. I think as long as you two have known each other, even as nervous as he might be, somethings gotta give; he can't put off a meeting forever if he plans on having a lasting relationship with you.
I do hope you're able to work things out though, but if he is completely unwilling to meet up, I think it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

[alw83]

Agreed with what has been said. It is scary to meet the first tije, but if he's never wiling to do so then there can never be anything more and it's not fair to you to sit around forever in a relationship that can never move on. Tell him if he won't meet it's over and stick with it. After this long he should be comfortable enough to meet. I do like the idea of trying to video chat first. It's a good in between before meeting, but gets you comfortable with the idea of seeing one another while chatting