communication

[jjl]

Hi everyone,
need some feedback on how to bridge the communication gap. as i;'m sure with a lot of you, we text a LOT, and that gets tiresome. We do call, skype, etc. but it's always me initiating the conversation. I've voiced that I feel annoying always doing that, and he says he doesn't care. I feel like I'm straddling the fine line between caring and being pushy. In no way do I want to force him to have call me at a specific point everyday, but is a surprise phone call that much to ask for? I'm not sure if I should try again to voice how much it annoys me or just back off and see what happens. Advice?? THanks!!

[Haley53]

I feel like if you've explicitly said that a surprise phone call would be nice once in a while or if you've said it's always you initiating contact and that makes you feel x, then you've done all you can do. I feel like so many women are so deadset on receiving surprises or romantic gestures or x or y from their partners that it becomes something it's not. Sure, my partner sometimes initiates asking for Skype time, but mostly, it's me. Do I mind? No, because I know he wants to talk to me and I take advantage of when he has the ability to talk. I would guess your partner always enjoys the time that you have to talk, and you initiate it, so why should he have to? If you don't want to come up with a time to call you on a daily basis, then I think all you can do on this one is let it go and see what happens. It's such a menial thing to be pushy at someone over when he's expressed that you're not annoying and he probably enjoys those times as much as you do. You've expressed it, now it's his turn to either decide to do something with it or leave it the way things are, but to me, this sounds more like an insecurity you need to work on curbing.

[Snowlilly]

Well, Trepis and I have a somewhat set communication schedule due to our real life schedules. I work 12 hour nightshifts 3-4 days a week, so on those days I call him every morning while he is on his way to work. We have a two hour time difference. It is better for me to call as I am a nurse and one never knows what is going on at that particular time and I may be tied up with a patient. So I am the one calling. On the days I am off, by the time I get up, he is at his job and so we might text. I wait for him to get home in the evenings and then we meet on vent to talk, and we do that pretty much nightly. As long as we get to talk I am happy

[notyourexgirlfriend]

My SO and I talk daily. Most of the time it is me initiating the Skype calls and I don't care. I've left it that way as there are often times where I have to do last minute stuff that may prevent me from talking. I usually send a text message when I'm available to call and he's on standby. I don't always get spontaneous text messages or other calls and that's OK. We work within the boundaries of what we have. We've communicated with each other exactly how much talk time we'd like and try and work around our schedules.

[dglynn77]

Expectation can lead to disappointment. If you have asked, and he is not responding, it is your choice how big of a deal it is. You can either let it discourage you and disappoint you every day, and even look at it as a deal breaker, or you can choose to look at how special the time is that you do get to talk, and just rejoice in that!

In any relationship, but especially LDRs, you must choose your battles wisely. Is this really something that you want to fight/have contention over?
Or is having peace in your relationship more important?

I'm not ever saying be a doormat, or don't stick up for yourself!!! Just saying choose wisely what will be a big deal to you.

[Sora1101]

I'm definitely the one that always initiates skype time and sometimes I wouldn't mind a surprise, or I feel like I'm bugging my SO but sometimes you just have to step back and think that as long as you get those phone calls or skype sessions what's it matter who started it? Just like I'm more of a skype talker or texter where he's the one that usually fills in the phone calls, it's a give and take thing. If you've already told your SO that you'd like to be surprised on occasion that's all you really can do, the ball is in his court now and it's his choice whether to pick it up or not. Just relax I'm sure the more you pester him about it the harder it'll be for him to do it, guys get nervous when they're under pressure. :P

[Jessipoo]

you just have to step back and think that as long as you get those phone calls or skype sessions what's it matter who started it?

I agree. As long as you are getting time to talk and communicate then who cares. If it was bugging him, he wouldn't do it. As long as it's pleasant and positive then it's something he looks forward to.

Expectations lead to disappointment. Even if you mention something in passing or hint at it and you want him to surprise you, it may not happen. So look at the bright side, you are talking, a lot more than some other people in their LDRs.

[Kiyama]

My SO and I take turns kind of even though I might be the one calling a bit more than him. I usually wait for him to call me when he's at work unless I really feel the need to talk to him that being said he's really bad with emails. Before we got whatsapp and at the beginning of the ld we emailed a lot but then it got less and less. Now I miss them because my phone broke and one channel of communication is down. It's difficult to pick it up again though and I kindly remind him to reply to my email if he takes ages. Yes I remind him but so what? Better then being disappointed he's not writing, I take the risk to express my needs even though it's not a "surprise" anymore. But at the end we're both happier with it than me feeling resentment and ultimately pick a fight with him about it and him getting frustrated as well.
So I think your expectations are a bit too high. As long as he doesen't mind that you're the one who's calling, which he explicitly said already, it's all good. Have trust in what he tells you and enjoy the time you get to talk.

[lyonsgirl]

The best advice I can say is "back off". I only say this from experience. If you want him to call you, say something like, "call me when you're done with x". Otherwise, he won't call. My SO & I started CD, in college, and it was great then because he would text me when he got out of class (sometimes) and we could meet up and hang out in between classes or during homework/study time.

Now that we've both been out of college for over a year, I've noticed that it's the same way. Unfortunately, I'm more busy than he is now. I work 55-60 hour weeks, and he works part time. So now I have to call him/ask him to Skype, etc. but it's just how he is. He doesn't like talking on the phone as it is, but he does it because he misses me. (His words.)

Tbh, I feel like a lot of us here struggle with this because boys are.. well, boys. I have yet to meet a guy that calls his girlfriend as a "surprise" or something. (although I don't doubt that they are out there) I feel like it's just the way that guys are wired. So, don't worry about it-especially since he has told you that he's not annoyed by you calling him.