Not sure if he's being lazy, or just doesn't care...

[laura95]

Me & my boyfriend are both due to go to university next year (september 2013) so we've already started looking at places & courses, ready to apply in the autumn. Obviously it's still a year away, but a lot of forward planning is involved so we can't just sit back & forget about it for a while. It's something we need to think about a lot right now.

Now I completely understand that I can't totally base my university choice on him. It's not a decision I can take lightly, my degree needs to be a high priority. But my boyfriend still needs to be taken into consideration (or so I think anyway). We're in a serious relationship - 3 and a half years already so I'm fully expecting to still be with him by the time university comes around in a year. I'm fully prepared to be at a different university to him, (we're not looking at any of the same ones anyway). However, I'd still like to settle on a uni in a city that's no further away than the distance between us now, & with good rail links to travel to visit both him & home. With this in mind, I've found the perfect university. Cheap rail links to both home & the region he's considering staying in, & a great course at a highly regarded university in a great city. There'd be no sacrifices to my degree, with the added bonus that it's both cheap & convenient to travel to see him. When I found this out, I thought great! So when I was last on the phone with him, I thought I'd let him know. Big mistake...

Whenever I talk about university to him in terms of being in a convenient place to visit him, he gets really mad at me. He doesn't seem to want me to take him into consideration. He thinks I'm clever so should forget about wherever he is completely & just think about my degree. The thing is, I don't know whether he's really that concerned about my education, or he just doesn't care about seeing me anymore. He's never once talked to me about taking me into consideration with his uni choice in any way shape or form. It's as if he thinks everything's just going to fall into place & in his words "don't worry we'll be fine" but it won't be unless we put the effort in & make it work! It's going to be for 3 years for goodness sake! I want to take everything into consideration when I go to university. My degree is equally as important as seeing him & my family - I won't be happy if I can't. If I'm not happy, I won't do well in my degree. Simple.

I'm not a stupid person, I'm trying to find the right balance between everything. Yet he doesn't seem to care about whether it's easy to see each other or not. It's getting me really down now cause I can't help but think whether he just isn't bothered about seeing me. And if not, what hope does our relationship have. I feel like I'm the only one forward planning, yet he thinks it's just all going to fall into place & it won't! I'll talk to him properly about this when I next see him in a few weeks time, but I just wanted everyone elses opinion on the matter. I don't think I'm wrong taking him into consideration, I mean he's my boyfriend of 3 & a half years! But maybe I'm wrong. What do you all think?

[Haley53]

I think your boyfriend is right. It's similar to when one partner moves to the other: there has to be either a reason to move there (even if it's as simple as you both love the area) or a damn good back-up plan in case it doesn't work out. The biggest mistake anyone can make is sacrificing their education, any part of it, for their partner. I have yet to meet someone who does not regret it, even if they've stayed with their partner. It's a lot of pressure to put on him and your relationship to choose a university based on proximity to your boyfriend, especially during a time when so much can change. Am I saying it'll end? No, and I'm glad you both have confidence it will work out, but the future of your relationship is not contingent upon being close enough for regular visits. It really isn't. If you're committed to making this relationship work, if it's a "meant to be" relationship, it's not going to fall apart because you went long distance for only three years. :/

I feel like you're taking his decision personally when he's doing what's best for him and his degree. You need to do the same. If it turns out that same university is also close to him and your family, great, if not, then I think you'll find a way to deal with it as most people in LDRs do. I don't think you're wrong to want to, but I do feel like you'll regret it if you do. Your university should be the university you wouldn't mind going to if you both broke up. No one likes to think about their relationship in terms of the end, but I think in some decisions, you have to; you have to take your SO out of the equation. If this university, nearby, you've chosen is one you'd go to even if he broke up with you within the first year, then I don't see any issue with it. If there's another university that's more preferable, then you need to take that one into consideration.

Saying you won't be happy away from family and your boyfriend... We all feel that way entering university. But in this case, I do think you're wrong and that your boyfriend is right. If your 3 and 1/2 year relationship is really that strong, a temporary distance isn't going to kill it. You'll both find a way to make it work as you go along. I'm sorry if it's harsh, but you really do have to consider your university options like you didn't/don't have a relationship at all, or what would happen if you both broke up within the first year.