Help to recover my love.

[Cadet]

To start the story, my SO and I had been dating from since just before highschool started (we live in the same town). We are both 18 now. The day after our 4 year anniversary I left for a private military college a few hundred miles away and she went to a college that widened that distance by an hour more or so. We started to try at a LDR, but after a few weeks of emailing and the occasional IM (I'm not allowed to skype or call more than 10 minutes every Sunday) she lost confidence in the relationship and called it off. She kind of dated one of her new friends for a week before she realized it wasn't working. Last week there was a Ball at my college and she came up and stayed with me for the weekend, and we talked about getting back together. However, a day after she left my college she said that she called the relationship off even though we were still technically exs. At first, I am ashamed that I gave up, but lately (a few days later) I realize I can't give up on this. Many people have told me that it just isn't going to work and I should move on, or that even if I can get back together with her it'll end as soon as I get (hopefully) commissioned in the Marine Corps. I'm hoping that if I start the relationship again I can build it so that it can be just as strong during the LDR part as when we are back home. I am planning to surprise visit her college during the beginning of Thanksgiving Break (I get out earlier than she does) to drive her home for the break. During the time I spend at her college I hope to restart the relationship, and use the break to help stregthen it before going back to college. So in conclusion my questions are: Are there any tips or suggestions in regards to my plan to get back together? How can build the relationship to last during the LDR part? Any suggestions on how to convince her that we can work through an LDR even after college? Thank you all for your time.

[jleec24]

This is a really tough one because I must emphasize that an LDR needs two people who are willing to put as much effort into it. Long distance relationships are definitely tough and if she doesn't want to exert the effort into it, you're a little bit at a loss.

That being said I don't want to make this post completely useless to you so I would suggest just spending time with her as much as possible. Being sweet to her. Make her remember why you two were together to begin with and how you roughed it out all those years and could continue to do so several more years. Maybe see if you can do something to make communication a little bit easier whilst you're gone in college?

[redapple]

I'm a bit worried about the surprise visit. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, and I hope I'm wrong, but do you think that maybe, for her at least, the relationship is over?

I know it's hard to consider but as said above it takes two to keep it going and if she's given up and wants to move on then there's not much you can do about it and I'd hate for you to get further hurt by being rejected on a surprise visit. Has she put any effort into rekindling the relationship? Or shown that she would like to?

[Cadet]

The point on two being needed for an LDR has been a worry, however she did show some interest at restarting the relationship. During the time that she was deciding to break up in the first place she constantly went back and forth on the issue, and I assume in the confussion just went with what was easier at the time. Since then, she has talked about perhaps starting the relationship again and then the Ball happened. At the Ball last weekend she had started talking about restarting the relationship, but the day after she left, she changed her opinion. I am hoping that the weekend was a flicker of light that can be used to rekindle the relationship especially during the break when i could potentially have a whole week with her.

[Haley53]

This seems to be something that exes struggle with when seeing one another for the first time after the break-up, especially when it's the end to their first relationship or first serious relationship. Perhaps she was reminded of the good times when she visited you for the ball, but forgot about what wasn't working for her. There's nothing a little distance won't do faster than point out what isn't working, and sometimes, it's not worth it for one person to communicate or fix. It's possible that she also wants to explore other people and herself more in college than you might feel you personally currently do. If you grew up in the same town and grew up together, you're either going to grow with each other or grow away from each other and it sounds in this case like she grew away. I don't have tips or suggestions because I don't think it's a good idea to win her back. You are the only one who sounds interested in maintaining a LDR and no amount of wooing can change that (and it should not take wooing to change it). The only thing I can think to suggest is ask her if she's willing to talk about the possibility of a LDR, discuss your terms, be realistic about what a LDR would mean, and go from there. If she says no, she says no, but it honestly sounds like you're trying to force this on her, and I think you're only going to end up more heartbroken because of it.

[Cadet]

Thank you Eclaire for your experience and opinion. I realize that me trying to bring it back could be futile and just end up making me feel worse, but I would regret not trying for a longer time. I just feel that I have to at least try. Thank you everyone.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I would also suggest maybe talking to her to see if she thinks she would have ended the relationship even if it hadn't went to long distance. I know that I don't think I could give up on someone that I cared so much about without at least talking to them and finding out if there is a chance of fixing things. Then, even if I don't get the answer I want, at least I know and can work on moving on from the situation.

I don't really know what the outcome of this situation will be, but I wish you luck. <33

[Cadet]

Thanks!