Is it supposed to be this hard?

[LFAD13]

Ok so I'm a newbie to this but here it goes ..

My boyfriend has recently moved to university and so this is the first time we've properly been apart. Even though he is only a two hour drive away, it just seems like everything is ten thousand times more difficult. We seem to be arguing constantly over silly things and even though it's been a month, things don't seem to be getting any easier. For the first time in a month last weekend he came back to visit and I felt as though when he went back everything would be easier, but it just seems like we've gone for 0 to 60 overnight and it's just as hard (if not harder.) We've been together for five years and we're trying to find ways to work this but I just keep thinking that it's not fair? How is it fair that his flatmates get to see him everyday, have 'movie' and 'game' nights and go out drinking when I see him properly once a week over skype?

Rant over any help would be very much appreciated!

[Mims27]

Yes it is very hard! One of the hardest things I've never been through. BUT very worth it if you both commit to and work at it hard! Keep busy, is the best piece of advice I was given on here. Communication is also key. If something bothers you or is on your mind talk to your SO about it. It's gonna take some getting used to but if you want it, you can do it!

[Amelia]

YES YES YES!!! the initial months my bf went to uni i was practically dieing and having arguments over the dumbest things but looking back on it i am so suprised that we even lasted. Its hard because you think he isnt giving me any time at all he doesnt show interest he is always busy etc. My coping mechanism which has worked for about 3 or some years is communication and patience you need to accept that he is at university/college that it is a completely different lifestyle and also if something is bothering you dont let it fester just deal with it straight away.

[80anthea]

Yes it will be difficult, it's probably the biggest test your relationship has faced. Keep reading on here there is lots of good advice about how to cope and enjoy your relationship but it has to be a two-person deal so keep talking to each other.

[dglynn77]

Yes. It is supposed to be hard, and it will probably get harder... Sorry.
This is why many couples won't make it.
But many DO make it work, and hurt, struggle, and greedily snatch every minute they can have talking, texting, etc. with their SO.
Here on LFAD you will be able to get advice from or just talk to lots of amazing people who are making it work; who are struggling just as much as you are!
LDRs are not fun 99% of the time, IMO, but it is totally worth it!

[silvermoonfairy3]

Yup, it's going to be wicked hard. You both need to be committed to it, and find ways to deal with the sadness and the loneliness if it's going to work. I often hear about couples who do a lot of fighting when they do get time, and I think if there's a way you can work on fighting less and using your little precious time for fun stuff and good conversations, you'll be happier overall.

Best of luck! (Also, I studied abroad in Swansea!!! Is your SO at Swansea Uni? I lived in Hendrefoilan.)

[LDLovebird]

From my experience I have to say yes too. It is freaking hard. Its really rough. My SO are apart for almost 2 months now "only" and we were on the edge of breaking up at least 3 times already. We figure it out though and it is a good learning process. You learn about your own needs and how to communicate more effective. My SO and I arent made for this kind of relationship but we love each other so much so we try. I wouldnt have done that for anybody else. It works for me to stay busy and go on about my own live and getting used to the constant feeling of missing him. I am jealous too that he spends time with other ppl, but I am learning to cope. In your case maybe you two can talk and agree to more frequent visits. 2 hours arent that far away after all from my perspektive. I was living 1.5 hours away from my SO when we both lived in the states and we managed to see each other almost every day. But we had matching work shedules, so it was easier I gotta add. Good luck! XO

[Kristin91]

I never really "got" how hard it is to be in an LDR until I went from being CD for a year, and then being LD again... I told my SO that I give all couples that do this major props because it is really hard.

Now, onto advice...

Of course it's not fair that they get to see him and hang out with him more than you, but right now that's the situation many of us are in. Unfortunately we just have to wait for Skype dates and phone calls and text messages, and visits. You're only two hours apart, so I assume you can arrange visits fairly frequently? If so, that's great! If not, then you just have to work on communicating and telling each other when you really need some space or when you really need their support in X, Y, or Z. The best thing to do is stay busy and the time will fly by until you can see him again!

ETA: You just have to decide if being LD is worth it in the end. For me, it is without a doubt! I'd rather be LD with my SO than CD with anyone else... Good luck and welcome to LFAD!

[JET]

Best of luck! (Also, I studied abroad in Swansea!!! Is your SO at Swansea Uni? I lived in Hendrefoilan.)

I live in swansea!!

[differentcountries]

If he can see his friends often he has the time to be more with you on skype. Me and my SO has to do most things through skype (or phone), or else we start to argue. That is a deal we made. We do this even when were a busy, or we contact each other to say "I am so tired today, is it ok if we don't skype?" But we usually stay off that, because it makes us both so miserable. Writing texts is ok, but not the same. Voice and getting to see each other is the next best thing to being there in person. There is also phone and skype sex...just saying. Phone him and talk it over. Say that you spend too little time with him for your liking. Don't whine, but say that you love him and so would like to get more during the week. Also, having a plan for when to see each other next might help, otherwise one feels very helpless in a LDR. And

[squeeker]

Like everyone else said, yeah it is this hard, and yeah it is worth it.. when you find the right person.. and you've been together 5 years so that is a long time, you know who each other are and haven't left, so I feel pretty confident saying you are strong enough to handle this. Since you are only 2 hours apart, you can likely arrange visits pretty often, though I know that he can't just take time off uni, so it still will be difficult. I know my SO and I have gone through times when we, mostly me I think though, will get annoyed at everything. Though it comes in waves. At the moment, we are both in uni, and we've gone through some tough spells but I think having to focus on other work and things helps us not think about the distance as much, though it's still there.. though we both are not very outgoing people, so cloister ourselves in our rooms a lot, and so even with our time difference, we leave a video call (usually Oovoo or Google hangouts, sometimes Skype) running while we do work and so it feels less like he isn't there. I think it also helped us that we started out talking only online so we already knew how to do it, added with the fact we've been together a long time. We've gone through periods where closing the distance seems impossible, but I remind myself and him that I have already committed myself to him and we will work it out, and we will be able to close the distance one day.

I guess it is also tougher when your SO hangs out with other people. Though my SO does now too since he started uni, all his classmates and a lot of them have become his friends in a way, and especially when he started there and even now sometimes, I get jealous of them for being able to be in the same space as my SO, but then I get over it pretty quick I think. You will get used to it over time, it won't really get any easier but you will likely get used to it too. This site is full of ideas to make your conversations better, try and watch videos together and talk about them or do other things like that which make the distance not feel like so much. Also try and remember that arguing about silly things isn't going to change things and your SO hates the distance just as much as you. Good luck

[Yaaamiii]

When my SO went to college for the first time, I stayed home at a local community college. That first year....I'm not gonna lie...was HARD. However, we had only dated 3 months prior to him leaving, so we were still very new to each other and still learning. Just keep yourself busy, stay strong, and if you feel something is off, don't be afraid to tell him so you guys can try to work through it! My SO and I made lots of mistakes as it was also our first time in a relationship, and those mistakes made things even more difficult :/. We learned a lot of lessons the hard way, but now we are much stronger, and my SO now has a semester and a month of this current semester left until he hopefully graduates (his program is 5 years, mine was only 4). We are getting married a month and a half after he graduates! It IS possible!!! Come on these forums if you're feeling down. Knowing others are in the same boat and are feeling the same things will make you feel less alone. I spent soooo much time on these forums, especially when the distance first began. A few of us have been on here for quite some time.

[LFAD13]

Thank you for all your help

[Deleted]

I oftentimes feel the same way as you do: jealous of all the people that have the privilege of seeing him everyday. There isn't really anything you can do about that, except for make the most out of the time you have when you talk to him. I'm sure he does the same.

I'm going to ask for some clarification: what is the main issue here? What triggers the arguing? Is it because, as you mentioned, you're thinking that it's unfair.

Best of luck. I hope things get better for you!