In Transition

[ldrxoxo]

I first met the one I can't stop thinking about back in January from an online Web site. He's 19 and I'm a 28yo female. I never wanted to meet someone from online, much less do a long distance thing. I've never wanted to talk to someone that young, but on the first day we started chatting, we just clicked and since then, we've been talking, up until three or four weeks ago. I know he's in college he'll probably want to experience the college life instead of having a LDR weighing him down, but I told him when I was in college the college hook-up life wasn't worth it to me. I'd rather have someone I love to come home to talk to every night. I guess I don't know what to do. We used to stay up all night video chatting until 3am. We'd spend days talking and every other day talking at first. both of us haven't been with anyone in years. He'd text me in between his classes if he could when we couldn't video chat. Now it takes him every two to three weeks to respond or text me at all. He's now ignoring my messages when he'd used to respond to me all the time and he'd usually be the one to text me first now he doesn't do anything anymore. i don't know if that's his way of trying to forget me because he doesn't think this will work out since neither of us have reliable cars or the budget or time as a matter of fact to see each other.

sometimes i'll write something on my statuses saying i don't know what's going on and eventually he'll message me after i complain about it on my statuses, but now i don't think i'll get a response anymore. We would send each other pictures of ourselves (xoxo) and he didn't respond to my last picture two weeks ago which I thought was odd. because what single guy who is supposedly interested in me would ignore a picture such as the one i sent on a friday night. this is killing me how he would used to talk to me every chance he gets now he's ignoring me.

I don't know how I can go on without him. Currently, I'm a freelance author in the making and I'm writing a novel about my long distance experience [this is my first one and probably last experience]. I'm hoping this book will win him over and I told him if he thinks it's not going to work because he's 19 and living with his father, then his father needs to read this book about us if he's skeptical on why a 28yo woman would want to talk to a 19yo. should i just forget about it since he's not making the efforts to talk to me every day or every other day any more? he's not even in the military. he's just going to college and has all the time in the world to talk to me he just doesn't. he doesn't have very many friends like me either so i don't know why he won't talk to me like he used to. we've talked about us stop talking once already and things haven't changed since the talk.

i know he works and has homework but i don't know what he does all weekend that he can't message me once anymore. whenever we'd used to talk a lot, there's just a calmness about him and he puts me at ease like nobody has before. only this distance thing is stressing me out but we always always have fun conversations and that's why i hope to keep talking to him because he's the only one who has been able to keep up with my conversations so far. i'm curious to know if others have been or if they were in this situation would you just forget about it since i've already messaged him once two weeks ago he never responded and again on skype and he didn't reply to my skype message. my last status i wrote today was, "the scariest thing about having billions of miles in between is that you don't know if the person will miss you or forget you. if that doesn't get him to message me after weeks of not talking, then i don't know what will anymore. i don't know how he can forget someone who used to make him so happy, despite us being far away. he used to would rather talk to me than hang out with his friends in person. i've been crying every night about this and having bad dreams and i don't know how to make it stop.

i just recently met a new guy in town 10 minutes away and the thought of kissing someone else just because of distance not working is making me cry. we're friends right now but i don't know if i can date this guy since i don't know if i'll ever get over my LDR failure. i dont know if i should just forget about it or wait until he messages me if he ever does but not contact him?

[Sanja]

Hi and welcome. I suggest you message him and tell him about how you feel rather than posting it as a status. From your post I get that you have not met in person, unless I missed something. In my opinion, you have gotten emotionally attached to him and based on his actions, he may not feel the same. However, he is the only one that can tell you what is going on. I hope you get everything sorted out soon. If you don't hear from him, maybe it is time to consider moving on with your life, no matter how difficult it may seem.

[ldrxoxo]

Hi and welcome. I suggest you message him and tell him about how you feel rather than posting it as a status. From your post I get that you have not met in person, unless I missed something. In my opinion, you have gotten emotionally attached to him and based on his actions, he may not feel the same. However, he is the only one that can tell you what is going on. I hope you get everything sorted out soon. If you don't hear from him, maybe it is time to consider moving on with your life, no matter how difficult it may seem.

Thank you, Sanja for the input. Unfortunately, I don't think things are going to change. I have already talked with him once before to talk to me more. I finished the first part of my novel and am going to publish it and I hope he reads it. I want to remind him how I was the only woman there for him when no other girls wanted to talk to him and now he's meeting more and more girls in college in person and not even talking to me as a friend anymore, ignoring me. I thought he knew what he had when he first started talking to me, but I guess I'm just not worth it to travel to work things out with. He knows I'm writing a book about him [all about my life, not just about him, but still] when we first talked, he is all for that since my project, the funds will be helping local nonprofit organizations, I'll be donating. I don't know why he would act this way and why he would think I want to write good things about him with the way he is acting right now.

[Carol]

Hi and welcome!

Is there a way you might call him on his phone? Maybe he might talk to you and at least explain to you what is going on. I know how hard it is when you don't get any explanation. This could be the last thing you try to make him talk to you (with the book). Then you can at least tell yourself you tried everything you could to make him talk to you. I am really sorry this is happening to you, and I am thinking it may be because he is not mature enough and cannot deal with things proprietly.

I hope that if he does not reconsider this whole situation, you will be able to move on soon and be really happy!

[ldrxoxo]

Hi and welcome!

Is there a way you might call him on his phone? Maybe he might talk to you and at least explain to you what is going on. I know how hard it is when you don't get any explanation. This could be the last thing you try to make him talk to you (with the book). Then you can at least tell yourself you tried everything you could to make him talk to you. I am really sorry this is happening to you, and I am thinking it may be because he is not mature enough and cannot deal with things proprietly.

I hope that if he does not reconsider this whole situation, you will be able to move on soon and be really happy!

He makes me think he's with another girl when he doesn't respond to me because if they were at least just friends of his I don't think he would care that he's with his friends and would still message me. I want to call him but I'm scared to. Believe it or not we've never talked on the phone yet. It's mostly been through texts and Skype whenever we talk. I hope you're right and he just doesn't know how to handle it either. I was so angry today that I posted a bunch of twitter statuses saying how can someone who used to be your whole world just ignore you now when you were the only one there for them at the time. I then made another quote saying whoever said, "You get what you give" is a liar because I give 200% and get back below 0% then I posted a picture of myself dressing up for st patty's day letting him know how many guys i have turned down locally and i said i guess i'm not worth it. I hope that makes him respond.

i hate that he's giving up already without meeting me in person first. i wish he would decide after we meet once because right now it could possibly be just wanting something i can't have, but i know it's more than that.

tonight i'm hanging out with a guy locally who i do like, but i don't want to give up without meeting the 19yo first. right now that local guy and i are just friends but i don't want to give up. i told the 19yo he needs to share with me what he's really feeling all he's told me so far is that he really enjoys talking to me but he said he can't do a long distance right now. that's all he said and he didn't even try to make things work he just gave up already. i know if he meets me in person he will want to make it work it's just easy for him to say he can't right now without meeting me.

thank you for the kind words, carol i hope it gets better, too. i always told myself i never wanted to do a LDR and here i am trying to do something i never wanted to do for these reasons.

If i got the proper closure from him, i could move on peacefully with this local guy i'm talking to and i told the local guy i don't think i can be more than friends right now with anyone and just want to be friends until i can like him and only him and not long for someone else while i'm with him because it's not fair to the local guy.

[FoxFight]

Maybe I'm the only one thinking this, but perhaps it's best that you take a couple of days to breath and stay away from your facebook/twitter/skype and reassess what it is that you're looking to get from this 19 year old. Take some time to write and rewrite what you really want to say to him. It sounds like he has made a choice to put a little space between the two of you for the time being. I hope you can find happiness in whatever happens

[ldrxoxo]

Maybe I'm the only one thinking this, but perhaps it's best that you take a couple of days to breath and stay away from your facebook/twitter/skype and reassess what it is that you're looking to get from this 19 year old. Take some time to write and rewrite what you really want to say to him. It sounds like he has made a choice to put a little space between the two of you for the time being. I hope you can find happiness in whatever happens

Thanks I hope so, too. I hate being in limbo. I have finally found a great guy locally but I never resolved the LDR and it's just up in the air. I would rather be with the 19yo in the end because it's real love, but if I were to be with the local guy it would only be out of convenience and with that, I feel I would be totally miserable no matter how nice the local guy is to me I wish I met him before I met the LDR then I would have no problem at all to choose. The 19yo's birthday is in April. The last time we talked was February 23rd, and I don't know if I will say any birthday wishes to him. He did say happy birthday to me when it was my birthday in February, but if we haven't talked for a whole month by now up until his birthday, I don't know if I want to wish him any birthday messages. I wonder if he will message me if I don't post anything on my statuses at all. The past two times I've tried to send him messages two weeks ago, he never responded.

The 19yo used to calm me down when other things were stressing me out and the 19yo is the biggest stressor right now. I want to be with him and I think 8 and a half hours away isn't that bad of a distance at all. I don't know if he doesn't want to mention it to his father because his father might say no or what or it will bring down his studies with the traveling. Summer is coming up and we were talking about hanging out then but i don't know anymore. a month is a really long time to go without talking far away or not to me. i would have thought if he wanted to be kept interested he'd try to talk to me every day still or just about. I figure his dad would be all for his son being with an older woman. Since I'm going to write a book about it anyway he should give his father the book that way he will know just how deep I am into his son and I can't just let go.

I'm just tired of crying about this and it's been draining me so bad how he can be okay with going almost a whole month without talking to me when he used to talk to me nearly every day in the beginning, even while he was at school. Sometimes I couldn't breathe for a few minutes from just staring into space and wasting half of my night in my own tears and honestly i have stopped breathing sometimes. he doesn't know what he's doing to me even if i do post some of it on statuses but he doesn't know the severity.

yeah, i'm not going to post anything for a while on my statuses for sure unless it's about the progress of my book because i know a couple of people have been wanting to read it, but other than the book i won't post.

thanks foxfight

[dglynn77]

Ok. Let me get straight to the point.
You've been talking to this guy for less than three months. Your current job is writin a book about this relationship, and you think that even though he is ignoring you he will take the time to read a book you have poured your heart and soul into?
Relationships sometimes cool down a little, but in less than three months? I'd suggest you start moving on. You should find a new subject to write your novel about, and move on so you are not stuck in the past.
I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound harsh. Something about this just doesn't sound right.
And as someone who has been in a situation similar to your SO before, once I moved on, a novel from my ex would have driven me even further away. So please, just take a step back, take some time for yourself, and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with someone who has to be forced to contact me?" You deserve better than that

[dglynn77]

Thanks I hope so, too. I hate being in limbo. I have finally found a great guy locally but I never resolved the LDR and it's just up in the air. I would rather be with the 19yo in the end because it's real love, but if I were to be with the local guy it would only be out of convenience and with that, I feel I would be totally miserable no matter how nice the local guy is to me I wish I met him before I met the LDR then I would have no problem at all...

Sweetie, you really don't "have" to choose either of them. You should be with someone who is lucky to have you and absolutely adores you, not someone you are dependent on or with out of convenience. Please don't sell yourself short and jump into a relationship just to be in a relationship. It's not worth it.

[ldrxoxo]

Ok. Let me get straight to the point.
You've been talking to this guy for less than three months. Your current job is writin a book about this relationship, and you think that even though he is ignoring you he will take the time to read a book you have poured your heart and soul into?
Relationships sometimes cool down a little, but in less than three months? I'd suggest you start moving on. You should find a new subject to write your novel about, and move on so you are not stuck in the past.
I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound harsh. Something about this just doesn't sound right.
And as someone who has been in a situation similar to your SO before, once I moved on, a novel from my ex would have driven me even further away. So please, just take a step back, take some time for yourself, and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with someone who has to be forced to contact me?" You deserve better than that

I do agree that I would not want to still talk to someone who is being forced to contact me, so I won't put anything more about that on my statuses.

For the writing part though, when no one else paid attention to him and we first started talking, he would read my blog updates which has all my writing and stories. I have nearly 5,000 views on my Word Press site. He'd always tell me how he thinks I'm a really good writer and he could never be as good as me. He's read my stuff and is okay with it. If I were him and someone was writing a book about me, I'd want to know what it says, especially when a lot of people are going to read it. I write things in a way where I don't think he'd be scared by it. I've practiced writing for years to become good enough to write a book.

I already wrote him a love letter like two months ago saying I don't like how in this short of time I'm already so into him knowing it might not work out and he still talked to me from time to time even after that love letter I sent him. it was only recently that he started ignoring me i don't know if he met someone or not. i'm suspecting so because I see him adding a couple of new girls to his followers now from his state.

[ldrxoxo]

Sweetie, you really don't "have" to choose either of them. You should be with someone who is lucky to have you and absolutely adores you, not someone you are dependent on or with out of convenience. Please don't sell yourself short and jump into a relationship just to be in a relationship. It's not worth it.

For the local guy I am only friends with him right now and I hope he doesn't pressure me to become more because I would not be okay with it at the moment. I hope I eventually grow to like the local guy for him being the nice guy that he is to me. The local guy is truly a respectable guy. He never once pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do and we truly hung out like friends. He follows through with plans when we make them. He's the type of guy I've been looking for around here forever. I just hate it would be a convenience now and if I can get things resolved with the 19yo, then the local guy would not be a convenience anymore and someone I actually want to be with.

It sounds like misery just typing to be with someone in a relationship to be in a relationship. For now I will just be friends with people and nothing more. I'm not ready for anything like a relationship.

[ldrxoxo]

Updates: I finally had a real talk with him about it last night. I told him does he know how many guys I turned down here all because I thought we liked each other enough for me to think it would go somewhere? I then said does he know what every guy says about him when I say I want to be with someone long distance, but that I guess he doesn't care how many guys want to be him to be with me.

I seriously said all of this to him which is all true what guys say about him when I say I'm in a long distance thing and I was tired of waiting around for him to possibly not get back to me that I went off on him:
-I guess he didn't care enough as much as I did to try to make this work and I told him how stupid he made me feel to think this would ever work. Everyone kept telling me this wouldn't work, this wouldn't work and I didn't want them to win
-I passed up two great guys from town thinking this far away thing would have worked out. Now I'm back to square one with no one talking to me here because they don't want to stick around being my second choice and I don't blame them.
-I really told him that I honestly don't feel like living anymore knowing I'll be by myself for the rest of my life because I would just be miserable with anyone else never getting the chance to properly meet him.
-I told him the severity of it all and he finally wrote more than two sentences back and actually responded for once.
*I said I'm sorry I'm not worth all the hassle to visit me but if I had a car I would have visit him and if we couldn't visit him he should at least talk to me more than three and a half weeks.
He had spring break all this week I don't understand why he couldn't message me this was the time to.

I didn't hold back. I said everything how he's really stressing me out making me wonder what he's doing when he doesn't talk to me.
I don't know where this is going to go now but at least he knows everything I'm thinking. I finally got everything off my chest I was tired of it and I hope he thinks about everything I said.

[dglynn77]

Updates: I finally had a real talk with him about it last night. I told him does he know how many guys I turned down here all because I thought we liked each other enough for me to think it would go somewhere? I then said does he know what every guy says about him when I say I want to be with someone long distance, but that I guess he doesn't care how many guys want to be him to be with me.

I seriously said all of this to him which is all true what guys say about him when I say I'm in a long distance thing and I was tired of waiting around for him to possibly not get back to me that I went off on him:
-I guess he didn't care enough as much as I did to try to make this work and I told him how stupid he made me feel to think this would ever work. Everyone kept telling me this wouldn't work, this wouldn't work and I didn't want them to win
-I passed up two great guys from town thinking this far away thing would have worked out. Now I'm back to square one with no one talking to me here because they don't want to stick around being my second choice and I don't blame them.
-I really told him that I honestly don't feel like living anymore knowing I'll be by myself for the rest of my life because I would just be miserable with anyone else never getting the chance to properly meet him.
-I told him the severity of it all and he finally wrote more than two sentences back and actually responded for once.
*I said I'm sorry I'm not worth all the hassle to visit me but if I had a car I would have visit him and if we couldn't visit him he should at least talk to me more than three and a half weeks.
He had spring break all this week I don't understand why he couldn't message me this was the time to.

I didn't hold back. I said everything how he's really stressing me out making me wonder what he's doing when he doesn't talk to me.
I don't know where this is going to go now but at least he knows everything I'm thinking. I finally got everything off my chest I was tired of it and I hope he thinks about everything I said.

I'm glad you got it all off your chest, but what was his response???
Did he apologize for treating you like you aren't important in his life? Did he apologize for ignoring you and promise to immediately start making a visible effort to show you how much he cares about you and this relationship?

[ldrxoxo]

I'm glad you got it all off your chest, but what was his response???
Did he apologize for treating you like you aren't important in his life? Did he apologize for ignoring you and promise to immediately start making a visible effort to show you how much he cares about you and this relationship?

He said - "You're not stupid it's just not a possibility right now. If we were in different situations where we could try and make it work we could. We're just not, though."

Does that sound like he is interested in me but since nothing can happen right now he probably figures there's no point and if we keep talking even as friends it's just going to hurt more.

After all the crazy love confessions I sent him he said he would be with me if he could see me.

I don't have a car right now. My car broke down years ago and my work has been calling me off because they have problems with their parts they have to resolve setting me back in saving for a car. I've turned to writing for income since I don't need to travel for that. Would I be able to post stories about my long distance experiences here that I've published at amazon? Some of the proceeds will be going to local animal shelters and I have a hard time advertising my long distance stories. I've put three months worth of work into my stories and I'm hoping to get feedback and I feel like many people would relate to them here and would help me donate to charities by downloading my eBooks.

I've been trying to find a community that can relate to my stories and my friends just can't relate to my situation. They have nearby SOs and all they all tell me is that they would give up if it was them and they couldn't do a long distance and I don't want to give up even if it means having to wait a year or two to officially see him.

I just feel right with him and I've never fallen for someone over the computer this hard I have to at least meet him once to see if it's real in person, too.

I appreciate your responses.

[ThePiedPiper]

You can if you plan on sharing your stories for free/on your blog, but you cannot use the site for monetary promotion. You can't give people a snippet and then say we have to buy the book to read the rest, even if the proceeds are going to help a charity. It's against forum rules.

That aside, I'm going to be blunt and say what I feel no one else has, provided that this is the situation we're in (sorry, but we had a group of trolls recently come to LFAD), you need to take a moment to stop, back off, and breathe, because if you loved this young man, you would stop manipulating him like you are. Regardless of the fact that you feel like you don't want to go on living without him, that is something you discuss with a therapist, not with someone who is clearly no longer interested; using suicide is blackmail. Using Facebook statuses or publishing a book to get him to write you is manipulation, because your sole intention of posting or publication, from what it sounds like from your responses (i.e. if this status doesn't get him to respond, I don't know what will") is manipulation. Using the line of "do you know how many local guys are interested?" is manipulation. Using the fact that you were there for him when no one else was, in your book or to his face, and throwing it at him is manipulation. Essentially 90% of what you have told this man is manipulation.

Given his response to what you said, no, I don't think he's interested. I think he's responding like every other 19-year-old does when they're too scared to break up with someone who they may or may not have even been into from the beginning. It's the cop out answer of "maybe if it were different but it's not" that simply means "it's not working." He's 19. The hook up experience might not have been worth it to you at that age, like it wasn't worth it to me and a few others I know, but for some people, college is about expanding their social lives, and sometimes hooking up becomes a part of that. Even if he doesn't hook-up with anyone, it's possible he'll meet a young girl who's local who he adores and who adores him too and he'd rather pursue that connection than a maybe connection LD. You can't blame him for wanting what the majority of people want. Even you want it, though I think you need to not be playing the game of "it's one or the other." It's not about how the one you love needs to love you back or you have to settle. If the feelings are not reciprocated, then you take time to heal. You stop writing a love story and you write about an affair in which you fell in love, he broke your heart, and you needed to heal, because it sounds like your writing in this relationship is catharsis more than anything. You don't go out and date someone else because it's convenient and hey, they're a nice guy, because that relationship will also fall apart if you're in it for the wrong reasons.

In the end, I think you need to let him go. He's not interested. He wants to pursue girls in college. You'd only been together three months and while I believe that's perfect time enough to know how into somebody you are, it's also enough time to know how into somebody you're not. It sounds like you were both filling voids for each other (for him, it seems like you filled the void of loneliness and now he's in college and realised that girls will talk to him and he doesn't have to be lonely any longer) and you fell harder than he does. And it sucks and I'm sorry because I've been there, but because I've been there, I can also assure you that obsessing over him like this is dependence more than it is love and it is worth exploring once you have some distance from it. Furthermore, any need to reach out in grand gestures, such as publishing a book... Eh, you're likelier to scare him off than bring him closer. Publish if you want to publish for the sake of catharsis. Don't publish it if you expect it will make him love you back. Sometimes it's better biting the bullet and dealing with all the pain and shit that comes with it. We're all here if you need to talk about it further, because being broken hearted is an awful and miserable feeling.