In Transition

[ldrxoxo]

You can if you plan on sharing your stories for free/on your blog, but you cannot use the site for monetary promotion. You can't give people a snippet and then say we have to buy the book to read the rest, even if the proceeds are going to help a charity. It's against forum rules.

That aside, I'm going to be blunt and say what I feel no one else has, provided that this is the situation we're in (sorry, but we had a group of trolls recently come to LFAD), you need to take a moment to stop, back off, and breathe, because if you loved this young man, you would stop manipulating him like you are. Regardless of the fact that you feel like you don't want to go on living without him, that is something you discuss with a therapist, not with someone who is clearly no longer interested; using suicide is blackmail. Using Facebook statuses or publishing a book to get him to write you is manipulation, because your sole intention of posting or publication, from what it sounds like from your responses (i.e. if this status doesn't get him to respond, I don't know what will") is manipulation. Using the line of "do you know how many local guys are interested?" is manipulation. Using the fact that you were there for him when no one else was, in your book or to his face, and throwing it at him is manipulation. Essentially 90% of what you have told this man is manipulation.

Given his response to what you said, no, I don't think he's interested. I think he's responding like every other 19-year-old does when they're too scared to break up with someone who they may or may not have even been into from the beginning. It's the cop out answer of "maybe if it were different but it's not" that simply means "it's not working." He's 19. The hook up experience might not have been worth it to you at that age, like it wasn't worth it to me and a few others I know, but for some people, college is about expanding their social lives, and sometimes hooking up becomes a part of that. Even if he doesn't hook-up with anyone, it's possible he'll meet a young girl who's local who he adores and who adores him too and he'd rather pursue that connection than a maybe connection LD. You can't blame him for wanting what the majority of people want. Even you want it, though I think you need to not be playing the game of "it's one or the other." It's not about how the one you love needs to love you back or you have to settle. If the feelings are not reciprocated, then you take time to heal. You stop writing a love story and you write about an affair in which you fell in love, he broke your heart, and you needed to heal, because it sounds like your writing in this relationship is catharsis more than anything. You don't go out and date someone else because it's convenient and hey, they're a nice guy, because that relationship will also fall apart if you're in it for the wrong reasons.

In the end, I think you need to let him go. He's not interested. He wants to pursue girls in college. You'd only been together three months and while I believe that's perfect time enough to know how into somebody you are, it's also enough time to know how into somebody you're not. It sounds like you were both filling voids for each other (for him, it seems like you filled the void of loneliness and now he's in college and realised that girls will talk to him and he doesn't have to be lonely any longer) and you fell harder than he does. And it sucks and I'm sorry because I've been there, but because I've been there, I can also assure you that obsessing over him like this is dependence more than it is love and it is worth exploring once you have some distance from it. Furthermore, any need to reach out in grand gestures, such as publishing a book... Eh, you're likelier to scare him off than bring him closer. Publish if you want to publish for the sake of catharsis. Don't publish it if you expect it will make him love you back. Sometimes it's better biting the bullet and dealing with all the pain and shit that comes with it. We're all here if you need to talk about it further, because being broken hearted is an awful and miserable feeling.

Thank you for your response. I'm glad I didn't post any paid stories yet. I might write some for free to post here, too.

While I did tell him I truthfully do feel like not living anymore, he knows I know I'm old enough to know better than turn to that for an answer.
I've accomplished a lot in my life, and am still doing great things for me to fall fifty steps back and it's not going to end with him.

I feel like doing that but I'm not going to do that. I hate being someone's filler when they have nothing else and they turn around and throw me away when the find something closer. When he gets older I hope he'll learn that he has to go the distance for something he truly loves rather than settling for something nearby that he only likes and thinks he loves. He never gave me the proper chance to meet him to properly determine where this could ultimately go and I believe that's all we would have needed to decide whether we want this or if it was just to fill time until we met someone close by. I could have told him by meeting him he's not who I thought he was before we met and moved on peacefully but he never gave me that closure.

That's why I write, too, to help me vent things and then I turn it into a little story. I really do want to know if my writing is good enough to publish a book. So far, all the feedback I've gotten were great responses and no one has said anything bad about my writing. I don't know if they're saying that because they're my friends or if they're truthful. I only have a semi-small reader base out there compared to all the other authors who have 100k+ readers I only have like 2% of that.

If I had a larger group of people to give me feedback, then I would really know if my writing is good or not.

Part of me feels like he'll come back to me when he's older and done with college. I don't know if he's the type of guy who can do whatever he wants at home or if he needs to ask his father permission to meet someone from the Internet. When I was living at home no matter how old I was, I still needed to ask permission to do things until I was 25/26 and moved out of the house and got sick of it.

Right now I feel like I'll never get over it, but I have before gotten over this other person who I thought I would never get over.

I figure since I can't be with him I may as well turn it into something I can make money out of. It's up in the air as to what I want the ending to be right now but it has been helping me kind of get over it little by little.

When we first "met" and no one else paid attention to us, we were joking about having a life together and it was the greatest feeling and I should have known that when things are that good in the beginning, it's going to sink later on. I wanted to believe it would be good all the way through and I had a sinking feeling once he started college again he was going to meet more people and forget about me and I was right. I saw it coming but didn't want to believe it.

[ThePiedPiper]

But meeting someone you really like can turn into real love. It's not fair to say you hope he learns he has to go the distance when he's exploring relationships and learning about relationships, and very well might fall in love with someone close distance. And it's not fair to you to tell yourself that some day, when he's done with college, he might come back to you and realise that you were the real deal. Although I don't like to minimise things, you were together for three months. There's a reason people who fall in love at 16 often don't end up marrying the person they were in love with at 16. People change. People grow up. In the end, it's possible your relationship with him did a lot of great things, but in the end, you were also the woman he knew for 90 days and never met. The likelihood of him coming back to you is slim and quite frankly, the reality that he's the only one you'll ever love like this is just as slim. You don't have to believe it, but you do have to let go. Again, I do empathise, it's a very shitty situation, but dependence isn't good for anyone. You're depending on a possibility that may never have existed and in the end, he's made the decision to go separate ways (that should be obvious by the fact he's not wanting to talk to you). He will meet someone, fall in love, and it won't be any less real, just different, and it will be the same with you. But holding out in the hopes he comes back in four years... Eh, I would focus your efforts on healing.

[ldrxoxo]

But meeting someone you really like can turn into real love. It's not fair to say you hope he learns he has to go the distance when he's exploring relationships and learning about relationships, and very well might fall in love with someone close distance. And it's not fair to you to tell yourself that some day, when he's done with college, he might come back to you and realise that you were the real deal. Although I don't like to minimise things, you were together for three months. There's a reason people who fall in love at 16 often don't end up marrying the person they were in love with at 16. People change. People grow up. In the end, it's possible your relationship with him did a lot of great things, but in the end, you were also the woman he knew for 90 days and never met. The likelihood of him coming back to you is slim and quite frankly, the reality that he's the only one you'll ever love like this is just as slim. You don't have to believe it, but you do have to let go. Again, I do empathise, it's a very shitty situation, but dependence isn't good for anyone. You're depending on a possibility that may never have existed and in the end, he's made the decision to go separate ways (that should be obvious by the fact he's not wanting to talk to you). He will meet someone, fall in love, and it won't be any less real, just different, and it will be the same with you. But holding out in the hopes he comes back in four years... Eh, I would focus your efforts on healing.

Thank you so much again for your kind words. I hope I do get over him because the local guy who I am talking to now took me forever to run into a decent guy in town [and he's my age!]. I've never dated someone my age before, it's always been younger. Most of the people my age I had run into before just wanted flings I didn't let them have and this is the first guy my age who seems like he'd want to actually date me. This would be the first time to date someone my age. The 19yo has been the youngest before it was only 1 to three years younger and one year older. I don't want to ruin things with the guy my age by thinking about someone far away who might never come around.

I feel like if the 19yo and I lived nearby each other, he might have treated me better than he is right now and I am upset at whatever girl talks to him close by she only has him because she's nearby and isn't trouble to travel to see for it to work with him.

I think it is over with the 19yo. It feels like every time something is over with someone, a new person pops up into my life coincidentally and the local guy popped up into my life just as the 19yo started to drift away from me as if that was a sign it wasn't going to work out with the 19yo when I've been by myself for years I hadn't met anyone new until now.

[differentcountries]

Sorry, if my bf wrote a book about our relationship I would be running for the hills. And we have met and are going good. I realize writing is the thing for you guys, but if parts of the book is about how he is ignoring you, the relationship is so over if he ever does read it.

[80anthea]

I think you need to move on from this relationship AND really take time to reflect on how you treat the other person in any future relationships.

You are much older than he is, yet in a lot of ways you are acting like someone much younger than you. A mature relationship should not be carried out through manipulative status updates demanding attention, if you really want a serious relationship, learn how to communicate without drama.

[ldrxoxo]

Sorry, if my bf wrote a book about our relationship I would be running for the hills. And we have met and are going good. I realize writing is the thing for you guys, but if parts of the book is about how he is ignoring you, the relationship is so over if he ever does read it.

Writing is a part of who I am and I write things out that's just how I deal with things when they don't work out. I always said that I would be with the man who doesn't freak out about my writings and he doesn't seem to freak out with what I write in fact he tells me things like, "You're really good at writing, etc." which is why I liked him so much because for the guys that do run away with what I write, they obviously weren't the ones for me and he still stayed before he met other people.

If they freak out then they aren't for me because a person who really likes someone wouldn't freak out with what they write and no I told him I didn't write anything bad about him in the book. He's never called my writings creepy or anything in fact said things like he loves what I write and that he hopes other people will know of my work. Those are the types of things he says about my writings.

[ldrxoxo]

I think you need to move on from this relationship AND really take time to reflect on how you treat the other person in any future relationships.

You are much older than he is, yet in a lot of ways you are acting like someone much younger than you. A mature relationship should not be carried out through manipulative status updates demanding attention, if you really want a serious relationship, learn how to communicate without drama.

I waited patiently for him to contact me for weeks and I never got any messages from him. I messaged him twice two weeks ago and he never responded. I gave him his space and he still didn't message me so he had to know this was coming. This would have been almost a month of no contact had I not sent him anything so I finally went off on him saying what's the deal when we used to talk all the time now he's going almost a month with not talking to me. And I'm glad I said things the way I did because it sure as heck got a lot off my chest that I've been bottling up the past three or four weeks he hasn't been contacting me.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Okay, I haven't read all of the replies in this thread.. but I just want to say a few things.

1. Step away from the social media. Being passively aggressive over social media outlets is not going to fix your relationship in any way.

Now that I have said that. Message him somewhere, if you can't get him to talk, and just ask him where you stand. Let him know how you feel and ask him if he wants to be together or if you should just move on. If he replies then you two can talk about it and you can get your answer from whatever is said. If he doesn't reply then that is your answer and you should just move on. Obviously if he doesn't talk to you then there isn't much of a relationship there, so you should just cut your losses, face the pain, and recover from it.

It would be odd to me if someone I was with (or had been with) tried to win me over by trying to get me to read a book that they wrote and telling me that no one was there for me except them. That seems really aggressive and off putting. If I wanted to be with them the passive aggression of the whole situation (the book, putting me down, complaining over social media, etc) would make me second guess it, and if I didn't want to be with them it would just further my unwillingness to want to talk to them.

[ldrxoxo]

Okay, I haven't read all of the replies in this thread.. but I just want to say a few things.

1. Step away from the social media. Being passively aggressive over social media outlets is not going to fix your relationship in any way.

Now that I have said that. Message him somewhere, if you can't get him to talk, and just ask him where you stand. Let him know how you feel and ask him if he wants to be together or if you should just move on. If he replies then you two can talk about it and you can get your answer from whatever is said. If he doesn't reply then that is your answer and you should just move on. Obviously if he doesn't talk to you then there isn't much of a relationship there, so you should just cut your losses, face the pain, and recover from it.

It would be odd to me if someone I was with (or had been with) tried to win me over by trying to get me to read a book that they wrote and telling me that no one was there for me except them. That seems really aggressive and off putting. If I wanted to be with them the passive aggression of the whole situation (the book, putting me down, complaining over social media, etc) would make me second guess it, and if I didn't want to be with them it would just further my unwillingness to want to talk to them.

We definitely had a talk about it last night and I went off on him for ignoring me the past three and a half weeks. I sent him sexy pics like two weeks ago which he ignored. I figured he was busy with friends since i sent it on a friday night. i thought he'd eventually find some time to message me back he didn't then I went off on him yesterday about everything how he made me feel stupid to think that we had what it took to make this work. He's read stories that I wrote about him before and he says he loves my writing. He's not scared of my writing and always says I'm a really good writer so if I were to write a book to anyone, it would be him and that would be the only person it would work on because we have our thing about writing and stories which is one of the reasons why i'm so in love with him because we talk about that a lot of times. He's not like most guys who get scared about that writing stuff.

For now I'm just going to let it be. His birthday is in like two and a half weeks and I don't know if I'm gonna send him any birthday message even though he did send me a birthday message on my birthday. Since he pretty much ignored me nearly this entire month until I chewed him off last night for doing that and he FINALLY responded after I said forget it then. I guess I turn down local guys for nothing and I finally found someone my age here who I may actually like is when he finally responded. I don't know why he'd think I'd want to write good things about him when he ignored me for nearly a month after we used to talk for a whole month and a half and he couldn't last a day without talking to me then all of a sudden he falls off the face of the earth. all this time he was complaining about being so bored with nothing to do on his statuses he could have skyped with me but he didn't.

[TwoThree]

All I can say is that this guy is clearly not interested and will never be.

[ldrxoxo]

All I can say is that this guy is clearly not interested and will never be.

So how did you come up with that conclusion? Most people think he is just not mature enough to handle a LDR. I've already written him a love confession before and he STILL talked to me after trying to work things out. It's when he started college again after winter break and met more people is that he drifted. If you put two and two together.

If you think he's the type of guy to be creeped out by my writings about him you're wrong because when we first started talking that is what we would always talk about my stories and he would help me come up with new ideas. In fact, when I told one of my friends how he doesn't get creeped out by my writings she says he has a really strong character to not be creeped out.

He's not the type of guy to freak out about a silly story that could or could not mean something and you have no judgment on my stories when you haven't even read them to see how I write. Although I talk about him in my stories, he never said they were written creepily or obsessively or anything like that. It was just like any other romance novel except that it's real feelings and about real people.

[dglynn77]

So how did you come up with that conclusion? Most people think he is just not mature enough to handle a LDR.

No. EVERYONE here, who all have lots of experience with LDRs, has told you he is not interested. Not one person here who has any experience with LDRs has told you he is just not mature enough to handle an LDR. Therefore these must be people in your own life who are saying that so as not to hurt you. No one here on this site wants to hurt you or see you hurt, even though we don't even know you! That's why we are being straight up honest and saying, clearly, no. He is not into you and you need to find a way to start healing and moving on because we want good things for you.

Regarding your writing (because you keep bringing this up) If I had an awesome talent that I could walk in high heeled shoes, and I met someone who wasn't creeped out by my talent and even encouraged it for a little while, that doesn't mean he is The One For Me. That means he is a guy with a common interest, nothing more. I even called him a guy and not a friend because No True Friend Who Cares About You would ignore you like this guy does, and you think he is romantically interested in you. Not even an unromantically interested friend would treat you that badly.
I KNOW that writing is like baring your soul on paper and can make you feel a closer connection with someone because of that experience. So don't disregard me as "I don't understand the cool deep connection only writers can understand." I get it. And I stand by my advice: I'm sorry. He's not into you. Stop obsessing over this and hurting yourself over someone who is clearly not worth it.

[Malaga]

Honestly it sounds he's just lost interest, which happens sometimes. Especially when you're so overbearing. I was very much like you and had a few situations like that, when I felt like I met my "soulmate" and that we're so MFEO because he loved my writing and it was oh so perfect for a little while. People are often attracted to 'quirky' and 'intense' but that can easily turn into 'crazy' and 'obsessive' and then they back off. Obsessing about someone like you're doing with this guy is not even close to love. And once he stops liking you, any interest he has in your writing is gone too, so don't have any illusions you could lure him back with your novels, that's not how it works. He doesn't owe you any explanations, you've only known each other for a couple of months. Besides, if you press for answers, you'll have to hear something you don't want to face. (Or end up with a restraint order.)

Chill out, grow up and stop being so petty, write for yourself and just move on from this.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Sorry to echo the others, but I agree that he's not interested.
It sucks, I've been there, I know how this situation goes, but you're crossing into obsessiveness that is bad for your own health and mindset. Passive aggressive statuses, plots to somehow 'win him back' with the book, believing that he'll come back to you after college, etc.

If someone wants to be with you, they find ways to deal with obstacles, even distance. People here know that better than anyone. The notion that he's "too immature" for an LDR might have some truth, though I kind of doubt it, but whatever reason he's not interested in doing an LDR with you doesn't change the fact that he's not interested in an LDR with you.

Keep writing if it helps, talk to friends, go out, or stay in and eat ice cream and watch girly movies.. whatever makes you feel better and helps you start to move on. I know it doesn't feel like you'll find anyone like him, but you will, and it will be a better situation, and you'll look back and laugh at yourself and think it was silly.

Good luck.

[TwoThree]

So how did you come up with that conclusion?

Very easy, I used logic and common sense, combined with my own experience in social interactions.

You met a guy online who's almost ten years younger than you, and who just started college. He feels lonely and has a hard time making friends, so he turns to this new online friendship/relationship which is easy to maintain. At first it's exciting and new he likes you and has fun interacting with you. You send him pictures of a sexual nature so he gets something thrilling out of this, too. A few weeks later, he is better integrated into college, starts meeting people, going to parties, realizing all these possibilities he has, and starts distancing himself from you. After all, he has known you for just a few weeks, doesn't feel like you are really committed to one another, and gosh darnit, he just wants to have fun and live the college life to its fullest!

Then you start flooding him with dramatic love declarations, posting passive-aggressive Facebook statuses, talking about writing a whole friggin' book about two months of online flirting, etc. The guys is overwhelmed and not quite sure how to end this, so he does what people his age usually do. He takes the easy way out and stops contacting you. You push matters further and when backed against the wall he gives you the "I'm totally willing, but circumstances are against us" speech. Basically he ends it, but you don't seem to realize that he's just letting you down easy.

Now of course you probably have a completely different perception of the whole affair, and of course I got some stuff wrong because I'm just a person on the internet who reads posts. But that's how the situation looks to me, and probably to other people on this forum. And you asked Good luck!