How Pushy is Too Pushy?

[rachel.guffey]

My SO is a student pilot; it's his dream to become an airline pilot some day. Ever since he moved to Cali he has been taking flying lessons and flying with aviation friends that he's met out there. He has had his PPL (private pilot license) for over 2 years now, meaning he can fly a small single engine aircraft by himself. There are many more licenses and ratings to get before he can even work for hire, and as you can imagine lessons are extremely expensive. So expensive in fact that he hasn't flown since August of last year.

When I question it he always has some excuse: "Oh, (instructor's name here) doesn't have the time right now," or "I work too much I don't have time," or "I just don't have the money right now, dude," or "Mom and Dad are going to give me the money soon," or "I was gonna fly tomorrow, but the plane broke"; there's always some reason that he can't fly. Honestly, it's driving me CRAZY. I feel like our future is NEVER going to happen because he can't get his freaking act together and get in the air. And of course, whenever I try to talk about it he feels as though I'm pushing too much; he tells me he can take care of it on his own and doesn't need me to "gripe" about it, which I don't feel as though I was griping, but whatever.

So I have since stopped talking about it altogether. I never bring it up, ever. Has it helped? NO! He still has not flown.

I understand money issues. I realize it's expensive and there are a million other things he would rather spend his money on (like the electric guitar that he just bought), but this isn't just about him anymore. He's wanted to be a pilot since before we started dating. Now he finally has the opportunity and resources to make it happen, but it's not happening. I don't know what else to do. Not only is this putting our future on hold, but he is running the risk of letting his dream slip away, and that kills me. I just don't know how to be encouraging and supportive of him without showing my frustration. Can anyone offer some advice?

[Jaac]

Maybe he has changed his mind about being an airline pilot? Have you asked him that?
Maybe he does't even know what he wants...

Is you future based on his plans of being an airline pilot?
You should maybe discuss what he wishes to achieve in 2014 and see how your life together fits into that plan.
It's quite a difficult situation to give advise on :s

So yeah... If I were you I would ask him what he really wants (does he still want to be an airline pilot?).
And make a plan from there on.

[rachel.guffey]

Maybe he has changed his mind about being an airline pilot? Have you asked him that?
Maybe he does't even know what he wants...

Is you future based on his plans of being an airline pilot?
You should maybe discuss what he wishes to achieve in 2014 and see how your life together fits into that plan.
It's quite a difficult situation to give advise on :s

So yeah... If I were you I would ask him what he really wants (does he still want to be an airline pilot?).
And make a plan from there on.

Thanks! I did ask him already if it's still what he wants, and he says it is. I even asked him if something happened that made him afraid of going back up or if he was scared to because it had been so long, but he denies that as well.

As far as my future goes, I'm in school for at least another year. We won't be getting married until I am finished with school; I will (more than likely) be the breadwinner while he completes all of the necessary ratings and logs enough hours to even be considered for an airline position. We've had the goals discussion before and he tells me to make his goals for him. I'm not doing that. I want him to set his own goals for the year. Only he knows what is realistic for him, I can't be expected to know what all he can do in a certain amount of time. I've set my goals, I'm doing my part. In my frustration I feel that he's prolonging a process that already takes years upon years to complete.

[Jaac]

Maybe he finds it difficult to set up his own goals... Maybe it helps him if you talk about it together and set up his goals together.
Cause now it sounds like he will just go wherever the wind blows, no rush in any way
What if you just have a half an hour/an hour skype chat and talk about his dreams and make realistic goals for him together?

Then you should just give him time to complete his goals and talk about it with him, like every month to see how it goes.
And then... Just be patient for another half a year or so, until you can really plan the closing the distance.

I'ts hard, I can imagine. Especially because you don't know what he's really doing.
I mean, he might be working really really hard towards being an airline pilot, but it's just not working out as smooth as supposed to.
Or maybe, he's just being lazy and waiting for the opportunity to be presented for him.
Or maybe he doesn't know how to work towards his goal.

[rachel.guffey]

Maybe he finds it difficult to set up his own goals... Maybe it helps him if you talk about it together and set up his goals together.
Cause now it sounds like he will just go wherever the wind blows, no rush in any way
What if you just have a half an hour/an hour skype chat and talk about his dreams and make realistic goals for him together?

Then you should just give him time to complete his goals and talk about it with him, like every month to see how it goes.
And then... Just be patient for another half a year or so, until you can really plan the closing the distance.

I'ts hard, I can imagine. Especially because you don't know what he's really doing.
I mean, he might be working really really hard towards being an airline pilot, but it's just not working out as smooth as supposed to.
Or maybe, he's just being lazy and waiting for the opportunity to be presented for him.
Or maybe he doesn't know how to work towards his goal.

That makes sense. I know he has been studying for his bi-annual flight review, so like you said he may be working hard at it and I just don't realize it. I just need to add patience but continue to discuss his goals with him. I want to support, encourage, and motivate, not do the opposite.

[piratemama]

That makes sense. I know he has been studying for his bi-annual flight review, so like you said he may be working hard at it and I just don't realize it. I just need to add patience but continue to discuss his goals with him. I want to support, encourage, and motivate, not do the opposite.

I know what you mean about wanting to support, encourage, and motivate, and not do the opposite, but it's hard to know how to do that. I think it varies from man to man, person to person. Some of us want to be prodded and pushed, but others only want a gentle reminder once, but never twice.

My SO and I often do question nights for our Skype dates. We've had fun with them and really gotten to know each other. We discuss serious and lighthearted topics. Sometimes, when something is on my mind, I'll ask about it during a question date. I once asked him how I should approach him when something he does bothers me. He is good about me requesting or gently reminding once or twice, but he wouldn't tolerate nagging. Also, he wants me to do it respectfully.

With some people, you can really turn a person off a topic easily. My daughter is like that. If I mention something to her to encourage her, she wants to rebel and do the opposite. I've learned how to deal with her, though.

Have you explained why his flying is important to you? He may not understand how you connect it to your future with him.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Is he also around your age, like 21 or so?
Because I'm going to go a slightly different way than the previous responses, and ask you - why does it matter if it takes a little longer/delays the future?

It sounds a little bit like you're really eager to both have your dreamjobs and get married, in a way that seems like that's when your life will "really" be starting. But it doesn't quite work like that, I don't think. There's all those inspirational sayings about how life's not a destination, it's about the journey, etc. but they're kinda true. I think a lot of times, people get frustrated or upset when they cling tightly to a particular 'endpoint.' Not saying that you are, necessarily, and I'm not in any way suggesting that it's bad to have goals or things to be working toward. Just that it sounds like you're focusing only on that, and it's okay to slow down and enjoy now, and the processes of things, too.

As for your SO, it could be anything. I remember when I was around that age, the thought of actually working toward something definite and big was a little overwhelming. Like, did I *really* want to do X for the rest of my life? Have I already gone too far on the path to change it? Do I want to change it? etc. Sometimes that has caused some feet-dragging.

I don't know your SO, and there's a ton of things that could be in his mind, but it could simply be that he's okay with progressing at the rate he is already. He may not have the sense of urgency about it that you do.

He seems to be taking a more laid back approach to life/future/etc. It sounds a little bit like you're in the mindset of getting to the next goal point (marriage?) and therefore there are A, B, and C steps that need to be done, and they're all holding it up. But it sounds like he might be more okay with heading in that direction more casually. Where you're looking at the "end destination" (getting married, starting life 'for real' kinda thing) he might not really be focused on that as much.

I know the frustration.. my SO is applying for professor jobs, and everything is so up in the air. I can't even begin to figure out if I'll move to be near him, or if he'll end up close by, or how we're going to go forward, etc. until he has *some* sort of concept of where he'll be, and when. (He's applying for jobs in the US, in Australia, in the UK, in China...)

But in some ways, that just kinda makes me have to chill and enjoy the now. Sort of a "take things as they come" mentality.

Is there any way you can focus on not stressing about how his delays will mean it takes longer for him to get his license, etc? If you find ways to relax yourself a little bit more, you might find it easier to be supportive without getting exasperated that he seems to be not progressing as fast as you'd like, in his plans.

Part of being supportive, the part that people tend to kind of forget about or not like as much, is supporting the other person even when you don't necessarily love the way they're doing things. Being supportive of their particular approach. As long as you feel like you're both working toward the same ends, and have had conversations so you know you want the same things, you can enjoy the journeys there in different ways.

It's a little challenging.. it's easy to want to support your partner by actively helping, or feeling like you're doing something, but sometimes the biggest support is being the backbone, not the mouthpiece. So, being something solid they can rely on if needed, instead of being their instructions. Being supportive as in, trusting in their method of doing something, and accepting that their way is valid, too.

Maybe talk about the flight stuff sometimes, with no agenda. Not going into the conversation asking him questions about when he'll be done, or how you can help. Just hearing what he thinks, and asking questions out of interest and to make a good conversation. It might start opening up that way into his goals or plans anyway, but in a much more natural and non-bugging him sort of way. And if he needs you to set his goals, maybe you can do that with him then, as well.

Of course, none of this is to suggest that you should just always go with it if he just has NO interest in working towards things consistently, or that he has different views for his life that aren't compatible with yours. Just that it might be okay if he's not rushing rushing rushing, trying to get to an end point so things can REALLY start. This is all part of your lives, it's not that once you hurry up and get jobs and get married your life will *really* start or anything.

I haven't had my tea, I'm not sure if this is coming out as clear as it might otherwise. So I'll stop here.

[rachel.guffey]

Is he also around your age, like 21 or so?
Because I'm going to go a slightly different way than the previous responses, and ask you - why does it matter if it takes a little longer/delays the future?

It sounds a little bit like you're really eager to both have your dreamjobs and get married, in a way that seems like that's when your life will "really" be starting. But it doesn't quite work like that, I don't think. There's all those inspirational sayings about how life's not a destination, it's about the journey, etc. but they're kinda true. I think a lot of times, people get frustrated or upset when they cling tightly to a particular 'endpoint.' Not saying that you are, necessarily, and I'm not in any way suggesting that it's bad to have goals or things to be working toward. Just that it sounds like you're focusing only on that, and it's okay to slow down and enjoy now, and the processes of things, too.

As for your SO, it could be anything. I remember when I was around that age, the thought of actually working toward something definite and big was a little overwhelming. Like, did I *really* want to do X for the rest of my life? Have I already gone too far on the path to change it? Do I want to change it? etc. Sometimes that has caused some feet-dragging.

I don't know your SO, and there's a ton of things that could be in his mind, but it could simply be that he's okay with progressing at the rate he is already. He may not have the sense of urgency about it that you do.

He seems to be taking a more laid back approach to life/future/etc. It sounds a little bit like you're in the mindset of getting to the next goal point (marriage?) and therefore there are A, B, and C steps that need to be done, and they're all holding it up. But it sounds like he might be more okay with heading in that direction more casually. Where you're looking at the "end destination" (getting married, starting life 'for real' kinda thing) he might not really be focused on that as much.

I know the frustration.. my SO is applying for professor jobs, and everything is so up in the air. I can't even begin to figure out if I'll move to be near him, or if he'll end up close by, or how we're going to go forward, etc. until he has *some* sort of concept of where he'll be, and when. (He's applying for jobs in the US, in Australia, in the UK, in China...)

But in some ways, that just kinda makes me have to chill and enjoy the now. Sort of a "take things as they come" mentality.

Is there any way you can focus on not stressing about how his delays will mean it takes longer for him to get his license, etc? If you find ways to relax yourself a little bit more, you might find it easier to be supportive without getting exasperated that he seems to be not progressing as fast as you'd like, in his plans.

Part of being supportive, the part that people tend to kind of forget about or not like as much, is supporting the other person even when you don't necessarily love the way they're doing things. Being supportive of their particular approach. As long as you feel like you're both working toward the same ends, and have had conversations so you know you want the same things, you can enjoy the journeys there in different ways.

It's a little challenging.. it's easy to want to support your partner by actively helping, or feeling like you're doing something, but sometimes the biggest support is being the backbone, not the mouthpiece. So, being something solid they can rely on if needed, instead of being their instructions. Being supportive as in, trusting in their method of doing something, and accepting that their way is valid, too.

Maybe talk about the flight stuff sometimes, with no agenda. Not going into the conversation asking him questions about when he'll be done, or how you can help. Just hearing what he thinks, and asking questions out of interest and to make a good conversation. It might start opening up that way into his goals or plans anyway, but in a much more natural and non-bugging him sort of way. And if he needs you to set his goals, maybe you can do that with him then, as well.

Of course, none of this is to suggest that you should just always go with it if he just has NO interest in working towards things consistently, or that he has different views for his life that aren't compatible with yours. Just that it might be okay if he's not rushing rushing rushing, trying to get to an end point so things can REALLY start. This is all part of your lives, it's not that once you hurry up and get jobs and get married your life will *really* start or anything.

I haven't had my tea, I'm not sure if this is coming out as clear as it might otherwise. So I'll stop here.

You have completely summed up what I have been feeling, and you've given me a lot to think about. I do consider marriage our "endpoint" right now so to speak. He's 22, I'm 21. We've been together for 7 years, LD for 4 years. I'm ready to take the next step in our relationship, which I consider to be engagement. Once we are engaged he will probably (hopefully), if things go as planned, move back home so that we can be CD again and get used to that before getting married and living together for the first time. One of my flaws is that when I'm done with something, I'm done, ready to move on to the next thing. Though our relationship is stronger than it's ever been, I'm done with the distance. I'm ready to get this part of our lives over with and behind us. I'm ready to be able to see him a few times per week rather than a few times per year. You're right; I do have things so set in my mind as far as when our life will "begin" and it's hard to just let go of that. There are also many reasons for that.

My father is very old-school and traditional. Though I am 21, provide for myself, and am the mature, responsible young woman they raised me to be, he does not consider me to be an adult. He has told me this to my face. I'm not sure what I have to do to be an adult in his eyes, but I don't feel like I will be able to truly live my life until I get out of my parents' house which will not be until we are married. It sounds as if I'm using marriage to get out, but I'm not. It's just extremely frustrating when I know I've proven myself to be mature and responsible, yet I'm still treated like a minor in my home - my father just has issues with letting go, and I get the brunt of it.

I didn't mean to go off on all of that, but I was just trying to explain why I feel as though my life won't start until we are married. I would love to be able to loosen up and just take life day by day, but I'm not that kind of person. My SO is extremely laid back, obviously, and I'm the planner, the one that makes things happen. Perhaps that's why I'm having such a hard time with this, because I'm not the one in control, he is.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Mm hmm, that's frustrating with parents who won't "let go" when necessary.

Is there a way you could move out before engagement/marriage? Could you rent an apartment with roommates, or even start looking for a place (one-bedroom apartment?) where you and your SO will live eventually once he's done? I don't know what your finances look like or if that's an option, but it might be a way to do something in between so that you don't drive yourself crazy living with your parents and feeling like a child still. Maybe having your own place would help with that?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Mm hmm, that's frustrating with parents who won't "let go" when necessary.

Is there a way you could move out before engagement/marriage? Could you rent an apartment with roommates, or even start looking for a place (one-bedroom apartment?) where you and your SO will live eventually once he's done? I don't know what your finances look like or if that's an option, but it might be a way to do something in between so that you don't drive yourself crazy living with your parents and feeling like a child still. Maybe having your own place would help with that?

I totally agree with this. You need to move out so you can have your own life without all the parental disapproval, and pressure to please your father. Since you are still in school, it might be less expensive to move in with room mates, while you save toward your future with your SO. But, if you can swing it, a small apartment might be better. That way you will have a place ready when the time comes to close the distance, and a place for your SO to stay, in the meantime, if/when he comes to visit you.