Not sure how to proceed....

[me_andthemoon]

Although my boyfriend and I are only in a LDR one month in the winter, and from May to August every year, I figured that if I asked anyone for help with my problem, it would be you guys, because you are all very helpful, and not just with LDR issues.

So I found out from a friend that my SO was going to go visit one of our friends from college and try different drugs like DMT, mushrooms, or peyote, and this would have happened without my knowledge (hence the over the summer part). My SO knows how I feel about him doing drugs (I don't want to make him out as a bad person - he's really not - and the most he's ever done was smoked pot a few times, which I am also not exactly comfortable with). I confronted him about this maybe a week after I found out, because I wasn't really sure what to say, and I still don't. He kept telling me after I brought it up that he didn't want to do it just to get messed up (which I believe - he's not that type of guy), and his reason for wanting to experiment was from a more spiritual standpoint. He also swore up and down that he had changed his mind and wasn't going to do it behind my back, and instead would ask me about it first. Of course I am hesitant to believe him, because who wouldn't say that after they had been caught trying to do something their SO seriously disapproves of behind their back in a situation where the SO would never find out.

My problem is that arguing with him about these things is seriously impossible. He has researched these things millions of times, and swears that they are safe and yada yada, and won't see my side because I don't have any good reason why him doing these things make me uncomfortable, other than the simple fact that they just do. He won't listen to me because he says I don't really know what I'm talking about, and that I need to educate myself first before forming an opinion on these types of things. He refuses to accept my discomfort unless I come up with "good" reasons. I don't know - maybe it's just me, but I think that doing something that makes your SO extremely uncomfortable and worried about should be a good enough reason to stop. And no, I am not trying to control him. I am just asking for a little respect.

I am very worried that the same thing is going to happen here as it did when the issue of him smoking pot was addressed. He can out argue me on any subject, especially something like this. After awhile, I get worn down, and just say screw it, and he gets to do whatever he pleases without regard to how I feel . I can be comfortable with him smoking every once in a while, even if it isn't my favorite thing, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with him experimenting with all these other things because I am so worried that these things won't be enough, and he'll have to keep moving up and up. I know I won't be comfortable with this, but I don't know how to give him my argument in a way that he will understand and respect, and I am so lost on what I can do. I literally feel helpless.

[Hollandia]

If you take everything else out of it, you are right about one thing. There is no guarantee these drugs would be safe for him. The human body is a complex thing and people have died from combinations of over the counter drugs. We all react differently and there is no way he knows that his body make up can handle these drugs. I would advise him to at least make sure there is medical help nearby should he have an extreme adverse reaction.

Just look at bee stings, one person can handle 20 of them and survive another can be stung by one and without aid within an hour can die from anaphylactic shock. Some people are the same way with shell fish, strawberries and peanuts and he thinks peyote mushrooms are guaranteed safe for him? The wrong kind of wild mushrooms can easily kill and if it is safe for one in million do you want to take that lottery? He could also end up with some flashbacks from them if they are serious enough mushrooms.

Aside from that, it's his body, if he wants to take the risk and do it, there is little you can do but tell him how it will affect you.

Is he going somewhere where it is legal, or he risking getting thrown in jail and having to disclose this on any future job applications, loans and mortgage applications in the future? I really doubt he would enjoy prison very much either way.

[Bobbiejeanne]

I'm in a pretty similar position to you (my SO and I attended the same college up until he graduated this past May), and I go to a fairly "party" orientated school. (I'm straight-edge, I should add)

In the end, it is his choice whether or not he tries these drugs. Rather than forcing him to do it behind your back, try openly discussing things in a civil manner. Do your own research into these drugs and possible side effects and complications. Look up dosage, how to treat overdose, possibilities of addiction, etc, and share your information with him.
Let him know that while you don't approve, you want him to be as safe as possible.

These sorts of things occur in college. In many cases, people grow out of it. Make sure he is healthy and safe, and watch for signs of addiction.

[me_andthemoon]

I realize that it is his body, and I respect that, but I do think that when you're in a relationship, you should consider what the other person is comfortable with. If the situation were reversed, and he had a problem with what I was doing, I wouldn't do it because I respect him and this relationship. I know it must sound like I am trying to control him, but I'm not. I just want him to understand, and he won't, he won't even consider it.

He refuses to see the possibility of him becoming addicted to these things, and maybe not physically addicted, but there is always a possibility of a psychological addiction, and he won't even acknowledge this possibility.

No, he's not doing it in a place where these things are legal. In fact, when we talked about him smoking pot, he promised me that he would never smoke in the dorms so he wouldn't get caught, and once or twice he did smoke in the dorms after he promised not to. If he can't even respect the agreements we make on these types of issues, then I don't even know where to begin.

I don't "force" him to do these things behind my back - I didn't even know he wanted to do these things until a friend of ours talked to me about it thinking I already knew. The thing is, even if he says he's going to be safe, it still makes me so uncomfortable and anxious every time I know he's out doing these things. I just don't understand what the appeal is, and maybe that is where I'm wrong. He is a bit of a hypocrite, because he HATES it when I drink, and gets upset at me when I do.. yet doesn't understand why I don't like it when he does illegal drugs. I don't know what to say to him, because we haven't really finished our discussion of this issue yet.

[Hollandia]

I realize that it is his body, and I respect that, but I do think that when you're in a relationship, you should consider what the other person is comfortable with. If the situation were reversed, and he had a problem with what I was doing, I wouldn't do it because I respect him and this relationship. I know it must sound like I am trying to control him, but I'm not. I just want him to understand, and he won't, he won't even consider it.

He refuses to see the possibility of him becoming addicted to these things, and maybe not physically addicted, but there is always a possibility of a psychological addiction, and he won't even acknowledge this possibility.

No, he's not doing it in a place where these things are legal. In fact, when we talked about him smoking pot, he promised me that he would never smoke in the dorms so he wouldn't get caught, and once or twice he did smoke in the dorms after he promised not to. If he can't even respect the agreements we make on these types of issues, then I don't even know where to begin.

I don't "force" him to do these things behind my back - I didn't even know he wanted to do these things until a friend of ours talked to me about it thinking I already knew. The thing is, even if he says he's going to be safe, it still makes me so uncomfortable and anxious every time I know he's out doing these things. I just don't understand what the appeal is, and maybe that is where I'm wrong. He is a bit of a hypocrite, because he HATES it when I drink, and gets upset at me when I do.. yet doesn't understand why I don't like it when he does illegal drugs. I don't know what to say to him, because we haven't really finished our discussion of this issue yet.

I'm going to go the "mom" route. He is quite frankly putting his himself in jeopardy for what? A few hours of high? So stupid. Cops don't take as lightly to mushrooms as pot, it is considered a psychedelic and he could find himself in a lot more trouble than he ever imagined. One of my best friends is a cop and they don't take kindly to people using seriously dangerous drugs like that.

I meant what I said about addiction not being his only worry too. He did the research he wanted to do and found what he wanted to find....and he damn sure had better not be mixing it with alcohol. Teenagers and young adults tend to think they are invincible. I bartended at a collage bar years ago and even though it had been the tradition for decades prior to have the pledges chug a fifth of jack daniels and all were find. One fine day, one unlucky dude did it and went to the bar afterwards. He was found brain dead at the end of the night.

https://www.lapalomatreatment.com/bl...ushroom-facts/

That is one link I find in a few seconds. I was taught in 7th grade health class of the dangers of Peyote mushrooms. He is literally putting his life, his future, his record and his good name on the line to do this. Still, you have no legal ties to him and even if you did, you could not force him not to do it. They only way it will work is if he choose not to do it for himself. I agree that he should take your feelings into consideration and this could put a huge rift in your relationship if he does not. I would suggest showing him the thread so he sees how strongly you feel about it and how much mushrooms and these drugs are not safe.

He has his whole life in front of him and really, is he willing to risk it for that? It's tough out there and something like that is not going to help him in his future in any way. Not too be harsh, but if he does get caught, I would not feel the least bit sorry for him. He really should reconsider, but if he does, I would hope he has medical care nearby as I said before, there is no guarantees with how his reaction will be.

[me_andthemoon]

Exactly. I do believe him when he says that he doesn't do it just to get effed up, because he really isn't like that. But he does do it in order to "broaden his horizons" and he wants to try natural things like peyote like many native americans use for spiritual ceremonies.

The thing is, even if I do find more information to argue with, he would always have an answer, and he is all "the war on drugs made everyone so against everything" and doesn't believe the things he reads about it being bad because he says the war on drugs creates it all. Maybe he's right to an extent about the war on drugs being too harsh, but I'm sure most of the dangers that they warn you about aren't lies. I love him to pieces, and the last thing I want is for him to get sick or die from this, or to get caught and in trouble over it all.

I am also very hurt over the whole thing - it's as if he doesn't care about how this is going to effect me and us. I know he has no real reason not to do it because of me, but I do feel like he has at least a bit of a reason, if it's going to make me so upset and uncomfortable, and it is as if he doesn't care about how I feel at all in this situation, which I so very unlike him....

I know he's not really going to reconsider. I don't know what I can say to make him even think about reconsidering.

[Bobbiejeanne]

I realize that it is his body, and I respect that, but I do think that when you're in a relationship, you should consider what the other person is comfortable with. If the situation were reversed, and he had a problem with what I was doing, I wouldn't do it because I respect him and this relationship. I know it must sound like I am trying to control him, but I'm not. I just want him to understand, and he won't, he won't even consider it.

I don't think that sounds controlling at all! You're worried about him and the repercussions of his actions and how it might affect the future of his relationship. But, he definitely needs to know exactly how you feel.

He refuses to see the possibility of him becoming addicted to these things, and maybe not physically addicted, but there is always a possibility of a psychological addiction, and he won't even acknowledge this possibility.

If he doesn't think he can get addicted, then he obviously doesn't know anything about these drugs and needs to further look into what he's doing. If he believes there are biases on things found on the internet, maybe he could get into contact with someone with experience with these drugs? Former addicts? Plenty of people are willing to share their story on this topic.

No, he's not doing it in a place where these things are legal. In fact, when we talked about him smoking pot, he promised me that he would never smoke in the dorms so he wouldn't get caught, and once or twice he did smoke in the dorms after he promised not to. If he can't even respect the agreements we make on these types of issues, then I don't even know where to begin.

I think this is the major problem (just in my opinion, it might not be true). If you have discussed not doing something, and he still does it, this shows a blatant disregard for what you believe, and the agreements made between you as a couple. This is fairly disrespectful and also fairly rude.

I don't "force" him to do these things behind my back - I didn't even know he wanted to do these things until a friend of ours talked to me about it thinking I already knew. The thing is, even if he says he's going to be safe, it still makes me so uncomfortable and anxious every time I know he's out doing these things. I just don't understand what the appeal is, and maybe that is where I'm wrong. He is a bit of a hypocrite, because he HATES it when I drink, and gets upset at me when I do.. yet doesn't understand why I don't like it when he does illegal drugs. I don't know what to say to him, because we haven't really finished our discussion of this issue yet.

Again I think the root of this problem is much more sinister than it appears. Putting aside the obvious legality problems and health problems of drug use, I see him not allowing you to do things you enjoy (i.e. drink) while he is allowed to be reckless without fault (i.e. illegal drug use). In terms of a relationship, this sounds incredibly unhealthy. Next time he brushes off his drug use, ask him why you are not allowed to drink, which is obviously more safe (on average) and more legal than what he is doing.

I hope everything works out between you. I've seen drugs tear apart relationships, and I hate to see it happen. I can only hope he is safe, and that you two are happy.

[Deleted]

Like you, and others on this thread, I see absolutely no benefits to drugs. Ideally, he should be respectful and appreciative of your concern for him...because it's all within reason. I feel that he is being really insensitive not just to you, but also about your relationship.

[merlinkitty]

I've really struggled with posting this, because it's not something I'm proud of, but I think it's relevant to your situation. Having been a drug addict, I can only speak from my own experience on this whole thing.

Did it change my life? Absolutely.

Would I change my past? No way.

Do I have any regrets? Freaking A, yes. That little side-track of mine that lasted about 2 years of increasingly heavy drug use, another 3 or so of decreasing use, I've put myself YEARS, almost a decade off track. I've done all the "natural" things you mentioned plus many others you have not. Some things were man made, some were straight out of the back of a toad. Everything was a risk to my health, my life, and my safety.

I understand the "need" or desire to try this kind of stuff. Yeah, it can totally change your outlook on the world. But some of my biggest "revolutionary" moments I honestly couldn't repeat to you because I was so high at the time I can't remember what they are. I was going to tell you one of my stories to prove a point but I realized really what the point is, regardless how "safe" this stuff is, it's currently all illegal. It was by the skin of my teeth, on multiple occasions, that I do not have a drug conviction on my record. It was pure luck that I'm still alive, honestly. Was there anything at the time that you could have said to me that would have stopped me? No. Not. One. Thing.

The thing that hurt me the most, though, was when I realized my family was turning their backs on me. But I didn't stop for them. I stopped for me.

The only advice I have for you is to be aware, and have your own exit strategy if things get to where you're no longer willing to compromise. It would be nice if he would be continually open with you, but the nature of the beast keeps people close to the vest with this stuff. It is part and parcel to hide drug use no matter how "experimental" it is. Like you said, you don't want to control him, nor can you. If he's determined to have these experiences, it might ultimately be at the sacrifice of his most important relationships.

You've told him how you feel about this. It's now on him to either chose to respect your wishes or respect his own. But know where your own limit is with this and take care of yourself since he's refusing to give you the same respect.