He won't talk to me

[laloupfille]

I moved from Maine to Texas to go to college. I met my bf my second year and we've been dating for the last 4 years. The first year we were together I went home during the summer for 3 months and we survived a LDR. We skyped every night and talked every day. I just recently graduated and moved back to Maine where there were opportunities for me to gain experience. My bf encouraged me to make the move, he still has 2-3 years till he gets his Masters and will be staying into Texas to receive it. Its been a month since I moved back to Maine and our communication is at a minimal. I understand that he is working a lot, but on his days off he only calls me for 5 minutes. He promises that he will talk longer next time but it never happens. I am getting upset and told him that I wanted to talk more. He gets mad now every time I bring it up and just hangs up on me. He says he still loves me but I feel like everything I say now makes him mad. How do I get him to talk? I really need my best friend to talk to. He's not the only one having a hard time.

[Unconditional]

I'll be blunt.
If he says he still loves you, then he needs to make a better effort. The fact that he gets mad when talking with you, that to me is a red flag.. but maybe that's just me.

[Kristin91]

Try asking him to set aside a half hour or an hour so you two can talk about your expectations regarding communication. People have different needs and it's important that both of you feel like your needs are being met. If he continues to get mad and talk minimally, I'd recommend taking a hard look at your relationship.

[squeeker]

I agree with the others... maybe you could write an email to him, because if he is only giving you 5 minutes to talk now, and getting angry if you ask for more, it might be better to send a email or other message that he can read when he has the time and hopefully it will help you explain yourself and he will have to read the whole thing before responding. Try and work around his schedule, maybe instead of a minimal few minutes each day, maybe try to make at least one 30 minute to an hour or more talk once or twice a week, and then other shorter calls or texts throughout the rest of the week? If he loves you he has to make time for you. If he's that busy with work and studies that he can't make the time.. maybe you could arrange times to skype where he can still work on any assignments or papers or research he has to do and you can do what you like or need to get done but you will be online at the same time? Try to find something that works for you both. I guess he could be getting angry more easily because he is stressed because of all the work he has to do.. maybe you could frame an email in the mindset that you are worried about him working so much and in addition you miss him and would really like to have more time to talk in the week/each day?

Good luck finding something that suits you both.

[rhabdoviridae]

My first thought was that he's under a lot of stress from the program and is readjusting to LD again. That being said, it's not fair of him to get mad at you for trying to communicate your feelings. I like the idea do an email detailing what you wants to say. In the end though, he needs to at least work toward a compromise and if he can't handle that I'd be tempted to have a more serious talk about going forward.

[whatruckus]

I agree with everyone else. Try the email thing.

I have a hard time communicating my feelings to my SO, and sometimes he gets mad when I talk to him about what's bothering me (that he's done) and we both find it easier if I email him. He has time to really read what I said and let it sink in and think about it.

[differentcountries]

An e-mail or a text, something like;

"I realize you are busy and want to take care of your future, and you should. Still I need to see some sign that you take care of our relationship, too. When we talk for 10 minutes or more, I feel close to you, and when we don't I miss you so much. Perhaps you feel it is easier to just focus on work, but that is not working for me, I feel so far from you. Please work with me on how to stay in touch better. I miss us".

[lilspitfire]

I'll be blunt.
If he says he still loves you, then he needs to make a better effort. The fact that he gets mad when talking with you, that to me is a red flag.. but maybe that's just me.

No, it's a red flag to me too.

[marlonraye]

Hi Laloupfille,

LDR's are tough even when two people love each other an awful lot, but you both obviously made the effort when you moved back to Maine that summer. That shows there was commitment there in the past for both of you to really make this work.

It's odd that he encouraged you to make the move back to Maine for work experience, and then keeps contact to the bare minimum when you do talk. When a person's behavior suddenly changes it's always a major warning sign for me i.e. they go from hot to cold overnight, or just avoid having conversations with you. Human behavior always changes for very specific reasons, and you’ll need to find out what those reasons are.

It sounds like you're doing all the work in the relationship too right now, and, to be blunt, he's just acting like a spoiled child. Any guy who hangs up on you when he knows you're already upset obviously isn't taking your feelings into consideration. This is doubly true considering that you're thousands of miles apart, and all you probably want from him right now is a little bit of reassurance, a hug and to be told that he really does love you, right?

All healthy relationships are about it being a 50/50 split, and that means he needs to stop acting like a child and do his "bit" in the relationship. I have no doubt he's under a lot of stress with his Masters, but that doesn't ever give him the right to hang up on you, and give you crap when all you're asking is to talk to him.

I think you've already put together what you need to say to him during your next phone conversation:

1. We hardly talk anymore
2. When we do talk you cut it short
3. When I ask to talk more you hang up on me
4. You tell me you love me but you're not treating like you love me
5. You're not the only one having a hard time
6. How would you feel if I kept hanging up on you during a telephone conversation?

If he genuinely cares about you then he'll listen and take the above points onboard and really think about how he’s making you feel.

If he doesn't listen to or acknowledge any of the above then it could indicate a deeper problem in your relationship that he's afraid to discuss right now.

Either way he owes you some answers, and he owes them to you right now!

Marlon