Alone

[crgadsby]

My boyfriend and I are new to LD. Well, we are in the sense that we have started to try to work at it. A year ago, I moved to PA with my family to get in state tuition for college. Ben went off the rails and did little more than talk to me and play video games during our first semester. Starting in January, we've begun to have problems. I haven't made many new friends, so my support group is mainly people that are also far away from me. Ben, meanwhile has begun hanging out with lots of people- people he seems to really enjoy. I'm not saying I don't like his friends, but a lot of the girls do little more than get drunk with him. It makes me feel insecure about not being there.

Meanwhile, I am struggling to keep our relationship healthy. Healthy in the sense that we are each happy. Recently it feels like I am separated from everyone and it is hard to reach out to him and make connections. We plan to visit each other this summer, however I am worried that I will be as miserable then as I am now. I've never been a fan of getting blackout drunk- and it seems that's all he wants to do. I don't want to visit him and have the only thing he wants to do be drink. I'm considering leaving him, even though I know it would only bring me more pain than I am already in. I feel as if I'm at a crossroads. Any advice for how to better communicate or how to strengthen our relationship would be greatly appreciated!

[sarah557]

I know how hard it is when you don't have many friends and your support group is small. It's a terrible feeling. BUT! Good news for you because we are all your friends on here! This has been the most supportive site ever! I also understand how hard it is to have a party-er as a boyfriend! I have no problem with it, however, I hate not being there too. My best advice for you on this is to talk it out with him. You have to tell him how exactly you feel and that will help.

As for the happiness, it seems like you are trying to keep both of you happy. You just need to focus on making YOU happy. It's so thoughtful and he is so blessed to have a girlfriend that will try everything in her will to keep both of you happy but eventually that is going to destroy you. Also, I know this is something no person in an LDR wants to hear but maybe you guys are at different stages in life and that is not going to help with you happiness. It will hurt for a while but you can't be unhappy over something who lives 691 miles apart!

[erwin1973]

Feeling lonely while being in any kind of relationship is terrible, and I know what I talk about.

As I read your stort (@OP) I get the idea that he started drinking after you left him. Could it not be he is not really coping with the situation of 'loosing' his gf and tries to drown his sorrows? Of course, that is not an excuse, don't get me wrong. I just try to get to the point, that is, if I am right, of course.

Only you can decide if you leave him or not. And again, I know that is a very, very tough decision to make (again, I know what I am talking about). An old saying says: "No matter how much you love him, if he causes you more tears then laughter, it's time to let go". And yes, it will hurt to leave, but it will give you a new start. If you don't want to leave him, you have to talk and talk and talk, and may be find out later that it did or didn't work.

One last question that you don't have to answer me (but yourself) is: do you not want to leave him because you love him, or because you are afraid to be alone? In the second case, I suggest you can better be alone. Don't be in a relationship to be in a relationship.

Anyway: I wish you luck and wisdom.

[Papaya]

You say that you are worried you will be just as miserable when you visit with him - perhaps you should talk to him about what exactly you plan to do together? Express how you don't like drinking just to get drunk, and perhaps you will find he is hoping for something more than that once you are there. If part of his new habit of drinking and partying is also how he copes, then I could see him really wanting to spend time with you when you visited.

If this is not the case at all, I agree with sarah557 that you could be at different stages in life where you want different things. Good luck - talk to him lots about how you both feel because even if it is painful to keep questioning him and telling him what you are unhappy with, you might as well try to figure out as much as you can before breaking up. I know that for me it really killed me when I broke off an unhappy relationship with issues unanswered.