Struggling

[gkelly5773]

Hi, I am a college freshman and recently moved to school around 3 weeks ago. I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is also going to college, but about 10 hours away from me. We are in a fairly new relationship (around 3 months), but it’s very complicated because it feels like i’ve been with him for a while. I have been friends with him for about two years, and we have always had a connection, but the time was never right until he helped me through a bad breakup over the summer and I was finally able to be with him. I see myself having a future with him, but just need to get over these next four years.

Before we left for school, we would see each other almost every day, either hanging out or while at work. We both have very strong feelings for each other, and I know that even just after a short period of time, he is destined to be in my life.

These first three weeks in school have been the worst in my life, mainly because of the relationship. After I saw him for the last time before going to college, everything started to change. The feelings I had started being weird and uncomfortable, kind of like we just ended things even though I knew it wasn’t the case. I just went through the motions at school in hopes that things would get better, and it did for a little while, but now it’s starting to turn drastically worse.

Right now, I feel like I’m not “in” the relationship; it feels like he is just a distant thought from what could have been. We text throughout the day to the best of our abilities, but in my opinion, it’s definitely not enough, but it’s hard because we have different schedules. His name popping up on my phone doesn’t make me as happy as it used to, instead it makes me anxious and nervous because I don’t know what’s going on in my own head. I feel like all of those strong feelings I had over the summer and before are subsiding, and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m away, because the honeymoon phase is over, or if there is something really wrong. I am very confused about my feelings because I feel like i don’t care about talking constantly and all of that stuff nearly as much as I used to, but the thought of stopping this relationship puts me in tears. I am lost and want to find some clarity, because I feel like I can’t go on like this for much longer. In my eyes, the only way this will get better is to see him, but that won’t happen for a while. The thought of seeing him even scares me, because what if things aren’t the same? I need help because this is making me go insane, and I want to be able to love my boyfriend without struggling again. I am hopeless.

[malaryv]

Hey! I don't think there's any need to give up hope....I think a lot of this is going on in your own head. I only say that because I feel the same way. I'm a Junior in college currently but I just got back from a semester abroad in Ireland (where I met my boyfriend actually) and am struggling to be away from him too. In Ireland we lived right across the street from each other and then over the summer and at school we're four hours away...which feels even farther some days. With that being said...you're going through a BIG change in your life, regardless if you were in a relationship or not. Going away to college is literally a HUGE whirlwind of emotions and so many things are happening and everything is going 10000 mph and you feel like you can't get a grip. With that being said, its important to recognize that you are a human being with valid and rational feelings and needs and right now those needs are necessarily being met, so it makes sense that you are feeling anxious and questioning things. Its normal and you are not alone. To combat my long distance relationship and the anxiety associated with that, I've done quite a few things recently. I started going to the counselor on campus first off. She's been really great with helping me sort out my thoughts and talk things out. I would totally recommend that if you have those resources on your campus! Second off, talk to him! There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel...especially since he's your significant other and you should be honest with each other! You don't have to talk about a break-up, but just tell him you are struggling and that you guys (together) need to come up with a plan to combat how miserable you've been feeling. My boyfriend and I decided to write each other handwritten letters, and facetime everyday/every other day until we get back into the swing of things. The letters serve almost as a journal and are really helpful with getting some of my feelings onto paper. The facetimes always help and have gotten better too because it makes me feel a little closer to him, even just for a little bit.
Anyways, you can do this! Treat it kind of like maybe you're sick or something. When you have the flu you drink gatorade and rest and eat crackers. When you're anxious and missing someone what do you do? Hang in there! It'll get better!

[gkelly5773]

Hey! I don't think there's any need to give up hope....I think a lot of this is going on in your own head. I only say that because I feel the same way. I'm a Junior in college currently but I just got back from a semester abroad in Ireland (where I met my boyfriend actually) and am struggling to be away from him too. In Ireland we lived right across the street from each other and then over the summer and at school we're four hours away...which feels even farther some days. With that being said...you're going through a BIG change in your life, regardless if you were in a relationship or not. Going away to college is literally a HUGE whirlwind of emotions and so many things are happening and everything is going 10000 mph and you feel like you can't get a grip. With that being said, its important to recognize that you are a human being with valid and rational feelings and needs and right now those needs are necessarily being met, so it makes sense that you are feeling anxious and questioning things. Its normal and you are not alone. To combat my long distance relationship and the anxiety associated with that, I've done quite a few things recently. I started going to the counselor on campus first off. She's been really great with helping me sort out my thoughts and talk things out. I would totally recommend that if you have those resources on your campus! Second off, talk to him! There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel...especially since he's your significant other and you should be honest with each other! You don't have to talk about a break-up, but just tell him you are struggling and that you guys (together) need to come up with a plan to combat how miserable you've been feeling. My boyfriend and I decided to write each other handwritten letters, and facetime everyday/every other day until we get back into the swing of things. The letters serve almost as a journal and are really helpful with getting some of my feelings onto paper. The facetimes always help and have gotten better too because it makes me feel a little closer to him, even just for a little bit.
Anyways, you can do this! Treat it kind of like maybe you're sick or something. When you have the flu you drink gatorade and rest and eat crackers. When you're anxious and missing someone what do you do? Hang in there! It'll get better!

Thanks, that’s all very reassuring. I started to talk to him today about it and it was a difficult conversation, but it made me confident that i want to keep working at it. I’m gonna try to set up an appointment at my school’s counselor office tomorrow- i was thinking about doing it a while ago, but i feel like i’ve reached a point where I have to, especially since you said it helped! Thanks so much for your help once again!