How do YOU kiss and make up when you're miles apart?

[Carenza LaRue]

I was wondering.

how do you kiss and make up when he or she is not physically around?

I noticed in my relationship, sometimes certain trust issues, of which I thought were cleared, still linger in the back ground.
And all because we can't be physically together.

My SO can't see my body language all the time. Of course, he sees me through cam but it's not the same as in real life, as in being able to become physically close and look each other deep in each others eyes.
Or other tiny things the cam doesn't register, you know, so that it may help in convincing the other person that what is said, is meant.

it's hard to explain without getting too personal.

I find it hard to speak my mind AND in the same time not being able to look my SO into the eyes so he can FEEL what my true intentions or emotions are.
we can argue or discuss things, make things clear and out of the way... but noticed that without the closeness, it's just words...

pfew.... hope I could make myself clear.... haha

[Haley53]

Me and my SO are actually the opposite. We don't "kiss and make-up" in the literal sense, really, and neither one of us has any desire to have make-up sex, either. The most that we do is cuddle and maybe share some light kisses with one another, and we typically curl up and talk about the issue while we're doing so. Without the talking, however, nothing ends up solved and honestly, I'd feel as though if we swept it all under the rug and sealed it with a kiss, I'd be a little more insecure than if we're able to talk it out.

While I do agree that "actions speak louder than words," I disagree that you can't have intimacy or that you can't make up or completely resolve an argument by using only words. I honestly think that if there are issues of insecurity that do not go away with honest and reasonable assurance, then those issues are bigger than even a hug or looking into one's eyes can solve, even if the distance masks that. It definitely shows that there's some introspection and want to change necessary on the behalf of your SO, because you cannot have a relationship without honesty, communication, and trust, and trust is 50% the job of the partner's to uphold and 50% the job of you to maintain within yourself.

I don't have issues with making up with my SO. We hardly do more than disagree nowadays, but after his mother passed away, he was hostile as all get out for a while. We dealt with it by figuring out the ways we both needed to communicate with one another given where we were both at at the time. Typically, if things start getting heated or even before they reach that point, we're able to walk away from it and then come back when we can discuss the issue more rationally. Nowadays, however, we're mostly able to hash out disagreements or discrepancies without them turning into anything bigger (it's amazing what a crisis can do for communication ). Still, we take our words for that they're meant, simply because that's what's required of a relationship, especially one that's established, as ours is.

Have you ever talked to your SO and asked what he needs to feel more comforted and secure? Sometimes we work so hard on trying to figure out a solution or the right way to approach something that we forget to do the most important thing: listen. Checking in with your SO, listening to and receiving where they're at, is honestly something that might help you approach your SO in the way he needs, so that you aren't faced with this issue of feeling like the only thing being spewed are words.

[Carenza LaRue]

hey Eclaire!

thanks again for your wise words...

yeah, we talk a lot about his trust issues...well as far as he can take it for that moment. I am more open and I talk a lot about everything... that's just my nature.
he is more quiet, introvert and sometimes our natures just clash a bit...

it turns out that his former girlfriend tricked him and since then, he is cautious.
with almost everything I do or say, he compares me with her... not in a negative way... but it looks more like he is waiting for the moment where he can say: 'see? SHE done that too and she tricked me.... I am hoping you're not the same!' it hasn't come so far yet.. but I think it will happen somewhere in the future.
I confronted him about my feelings...and he admitted he is waiting for me to do the same... of course I said it is ridicilous...I am not her and that he should stop thinking that way.... he then says he just feels this way, because we haven't met in real life yet and he is just cautious....

okay, I can see his point of view.... but it gets on my nerves every now and then... then we argue.... he makes me see his point....and I make him see my point... we virtually kiss and make up.... growing closer .... and then it starts all over again...
I guess it's got something to do with the walls he built around him... I gladly want to help him tearing them down.... but there is only so much I can do.
he is really a sweet and loving guy... but he drives me grazy sometimes with this particular insecurity... which is odd...because with other aspects of his life he is just very confident...

he told me that maybe it gets better after we actually met... he told me he would feel more secure if he has seen me in real life because to him...and I admire his honesty... he can't imagine why I would fall in love with him before I have seen him.... gonna tell you a sort of secret now... but he thinks he is repulsive.
he is absolutely not... he is not classical handsome... but he has a great personality and that is what made me fall for him...
When I ask him if he loves me... he says he does and then the 'not having met so how do you know?' thing isn't an issue all of a sudden.... he just knows he loves me but I can't know I love him the other way around.

lately, we had a lot of arguments.... and every time we make up he says something like 'okay, we made up...but it's only words. let's wait and see what happens after we met.'
so I asked him why he keeps saying those things.... and then he said because this is exactly what happened with his former girlfriend.. then I get ticked off again.. because YES...he is comparing me with her AGAIN... and the circle is closed and we are at the same point.

so, I want to know how I can break the pattern... I want to find a way to kiss and make up from a distance that might work and make him see that I am committed to him, what we have even though I haven't met him in person yet...

[Haley53]

Two questions: How long has it been since his relationship with his ex, and did he ever seek any help for it? And then my other question is, have you ever asked him how he personally knows he loves you without having met you, and then simply said, "well it's the same for me"?

[Carenza LaRue]

it ended last year, somewhere in may- june I believe it was.

we knew each other then, from the international forum we both were posting on, but we didn't talk much then.
it all started when he joined my facebook group and we began to talk, somewhere in january this year.
and no, he didn't seek any help.

and yeah, we discussed it. he says he just knows that he loves me but can't believe a cute girl (haha, I'm almost 42) like me would fall for a man like him.
actually, now I think about it... we started talking in private because he posted in our group that he gave up on love and he referred to his former girlfriend. I didn't know they broke up so I sent him a private mail asking how he was doing. At the same time, my relationship with another guy was about to end and he really helped me with dealing with my feelings when it really ended by the end of last year. so, we both had a lot of emotional baggage...and we helped each other out.
and we found out we share a lot of similar thoughts, almost have the same life story...things like that.

thing is... the guy I was with, was just for fun. I didn't mind it ended but it brought up a lot of issues in myself... my SO really understood what was going on inside me, because he had been through the same.
and then my ex.... the father of my child.... well, that was more than 4 years ago so I didn't bring that in our relationship. He on the other hand, was dealing with his feelings about his ex....from not too long ago.
he doesn't talk about it much because he still gets mad when he talks about it, but I know she really played nasty mind games with him. I know her too, she was in the old international forums too and I didn't like her. she is not in the FB group, but I know she is friends with friends and I think she knows a lot about us.
it doesn't bother me, but I know it does bother him, because he just wants to ban her completely out of his life.

it took me a few good months to find out what happened between them and in a way I understand why he is comparing me to her. they had LDR too and she promised him so much. you see, he lost his entire family due to fights and disease and he is basically alone with his son. so he had all his hopes directed to her to build a new family life after his divorce. and she then played these mind games....can't go too much into detail, but it turned out she was still married and she knew that they (SO and her) wouldn't last. she used him.

so when ever I tell him about how hard it financially is for me at the moment to visit him, he thinks I am using that as an excuse to NOT visit him. and then he comes up with the saying that he is repulsive and that must be the real reason for probably not being able to visit him in september. of course that is rubbish and I tell him that I am not her and that I don't have a hidden agenda. I simply love and adore him and that's just the way it is. he has to trust me etc.

then the argument starts.... we miscommunicate (forgive me but I am Dutch native, have to translate everything and I am not good in arguing in a foreign language), his trust issues come up again... we make up and he still thinks it's only words.
weird thing is... I once said to him that if he continued being like this, it made me feel like I have to walk on eggshells and I am not going to do it.... so make up your mind... he really got scared he would loose me. we discuss this openly and I feel he really means it and as clammed up as he can appear, he is able to talk about that and doesn't hold back how he would feel if he looses me.

[Kiyama]

I think you're very patient with him. Honestly I don't think I could live with being compared to his ex all the time, issues and insecurities are not an excuse. To me it seems as if he's using you as a punch bag, constantly transferring his negative feelings about his last relationship onto you, which is incredibly unfair. I don't think this issue can be merely solved by you guys meeting up. That won't chance his trust issues and his insecurity. He definitely needs to work on that and maybe seek professional help for it.

I don't want to sound harsh and I admire your patience but I don't think you should have to put up with that. You are NOT his ex and he shouldn't be allowed to constantly compare you and give you a hard time about it. You have to draw a line if you don't want to make yourself unhappy. He needs to get help if he can't help himself.