Another dilema!!!

[Littlebirdlolita]

Okay, so i'm sure some of you have read that already I am worried about me and my SO even being together after my next visit.

Now, i've posted on another forum as well, a forum based on the culture and the men in Tunisia.

I'm freaking out now and feeling a little bit hurt because most of the women on that site are now advising that i'm going to look like a whore essentially for staying with my other half and some friends... =(

They are saying that I should look at staying in a hotel away from him and just visit him. But I don't know what to do.

I guess i'm just venting because the people don't know me. I'm not a whore. I'm not intending on going there just to sleep with him... I just want to be with him.

UGH. Stupid culture differences and closed minded people.

='(

[ChibiFelicia]

I can understand that, in my culture its looked down upon to stay with your SO if you aint married. I do it anyway. However, both my SO and i have our own places. If he were to go back to my family home in Hong Kong i wouldnt stay in the house with my man. We'd go to a hotel and yea people would probably talk about us behind our backs but it'd mainly be the older generation (although when we go to HK we'll be married so that'd be no problem).

I think you have to respect other peoples cultures. How does your SO feel about this?

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I'd talk with your SO and see what he thinks. It might end up being worth the inconvenience and expense of staying in a hotel rather than staying with him due to the cultural differences.

[Kiyama]

I agree with the others. Also, I think it's important to respect other people's cultures and religions. When we visited my SO's parents I slept in a separate room because we aren't married and they are American! But I was fine with it.
I understand your situation is a bit different and that you want to spend as much time as possible but a day is long and I'm sure you'll still have a great time together. Much more than if you'd have to worry about his family and friends disapproving, which would inevitably put a strain on things.

[TwoThree]

You have had to deal with a bunch of judgemental, close-minded people. There are plenty of those where you're going, and where I live. Wearing a low-cut top, skinny jeans, holding hands or kissing a man who isn't your husband automatically makes you a whore in their eyes, let alone actually staying in the same house as him. The real question is, what do you care? Your SO is the one who arranged your stay in Tunisia, isn't he? He's the one who planned it, with his friends. If he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with that, the opinion of some nobodies on the internet should not matter the least bit.

Now, as I said before, I really don't know what the situation is currently like in Tunisia, but you are European, a tourist on holidays, that means you get away with doing whatever you like, unmolested (at least that's how it used to be there). I don't think you should change your plans.

[redapple]

i disagree that being European means that you can go to any country and "get away with doing whatever you like", it certainly shouldn't mean that. I used to travel a lot and im a believer in being respectful of differences in culture. A difference in cultural behaviours (i.e dress code, how men and women act around each other ect) also doesn't make anyone closeminded, though i agree that no-one should be physically chastised for a low top (i dont believe in violence as a punishment full stop) if you outwardly go against a culture that most people would not find your dress/displays of affection the norm then i think you can expect to hear comments about yourself. Think of it as if you saw a couple openly having sex on their front garden in the middle of the day, its just not accepted as the norm.

Anyway, ive been side tracked! Surely the best person to ask about this would be your SO, i think i remember correctly from your originally post that he was worried about you visiting? Surely you can ask him what negative response he thinks you might have and then try and minimise that so you can enjoy your visit as much as possible. Im sure it will be possible for you to visit without being deemed a whore if you understand the local traditions and work around or within them.

[TwoThree]

I should have phrased that better. By getting away with doing whatever she likes, I meant the things I (and she) had previously mentioned: dressing however she liked, going out in public with her SO, staying with him in a house, things like that. Also drinking alcohol if she is so inclined, since there are bars pretty much everywhere there.

Also, more importantly, I wasn't giving her advice by saying that, I was merely stating a general truth. European/American/generally Western tourists or expats in countries like Morocco, Tunisia, or even Algeria (where I'm from) aren't at all judged by the same standards locals are (so long as they don't cross certain lines that it isn't legal for them to cross in their own countries, like public nudity, etc.) If you walk into a bar in broad daylight, people will see it as normal and natural, and won't think that you are disrespecting their culture.

The way I remember Tunisia, too, the country's economy is heavily dependant on tourism, so their attitude towards foreigners is more lax than anywhere else in the region. I doubt that has changed since the so-called Arab Spring.

My point is that she probably shouldn't be discouraged just because a bunch of bigots on the internet called her a whore.

[mllebamako]

European/American/generally Western tourists or expats in countries like Morocco, Tunisia, or even Algeria (where I'm from) aren't at all judged by the same standards locals are (so long as they don't cross certain lines that it isn't legal for them to cross in their own countries, like public nudity, etc.)

I totally agree with this. I live in a West African Muslim country (Mali) and I know they teach the Peace Corps volunteers here that expat women are the "third sex" meaning they are not held to the same standards as a Malian woman but they are not quite as free as a Malian man. I can go into bars and drink alcohol without being judged by the majority and when I used to smoke, I would do it in front of anyone, which is something a Malian woman could never do.
My SO and I give each other quick kisses when saying goodbye or hello which would be pretty racy for a Malian couple. But since we're a Malian/American couple, we get away with it.

Your boyfriend knows what is best and if he set up those arrangements, I think it's fine. He knows his situation better than internet randoms.

As for respecting the culture and immersing yourself, I think that it's a hard balance to find. For me personally, I am very respectful of Malian culture and I always try my best to fit in culturally BUT at the same time, I am not Malian. I will never be Malian. So there are some things that I don't agree with in their culture or that I feel like don't mesh well with who I am, and those are the things I will not conform to 100%. For example, Malians think it's rude to laugh loudly. Well, I am a loudish person who loves loves loves to laugh. I am not going to stop laughing because I am living here (although I do try to tone it down a bit).