Should you even bother to tell anybody?

[AmandaZ]

Me and my SO have been together for a year and 4 months, and we have a great and loving relationship!..Really<3

but, I have been thinking about this for some time and.. when someone ask you if you're in a relationship or if you're with anybody, no matter if it's a new close friend, a coworker or a family member, should I even bother to tell anymore?.. I mean yeah I will be getting it off my chest, but I will receive many of those comments I think we all are so used to!.. of course, they wear off, but I'm tired of them, and sometimes they hurt deep!..like, I hate when they say; but, it's so Far and so Hard!.. What am I supposed to answer? "oh my god, I didn't know that!" ?..

but I don't want to lie about it either. it doesn't seem right. it's like saying; my relationship is stupid and it doesn't count as one.
I'm just thinking to do what's best.

But..well..what do you think?

[Brieasaurus]

I know I'm not an international LDR but I think the comments hurt just as bad no matter how far away your SO is. What I find helps is that if someone asks if you're in a relationship just say "Yes, I have a wonderful SO, we've been dating for a year, thank you for asking/how about yourself?" and that usually ends the conversation or redirects it to the other person. If they keep asking then you can just say "you know, I like keeping my personal business private" and be done with it. That's what I do when I meet new people but besides that, my family and close friends all know about my LDR. There is no reason to hide it.

[tamy1987]

Personally, sometimes I feel embarrased when I have to tell people that I'm in an international LDR, and so does my bf. I didn't tell some of my friends since I know what they'll say. I just told those who I knew would be supportive. And my boyfriend only told his family and a friend (It kinda bothers me that he doesn't tell his friends, but I'm doing almost the same thing, so...).

I think if someone asks you, the best thing is to say the truth. But, as the girl who commented above said, you don't have to give any details.

[Moon]

I don't know, maybe because I'm older and really don't have to care what anyone thinks, but I'd never be embarrassed of my adorable Finnish guy, why should I be? I get that not everyone understands it, but that's OK, I do, and I'm happy to explain it to anyone who asks a reasonable question, even if it's over and over again. I love him, he's my best friend, there's no shame in that. If you can't be comfortable within your relationship, why even bother?

[Jango]

I get mixed feedback from friends.

I was out the other night in the pub with 2 guy mates, and 5 girl mates.
Normal conversation, untill one of the girl says (the only girl who knew about my ldr) "oh Jango you've gotta be careful, you've got a girlfriend)
I don't know if she was being sarcastic.
The other girls asked the 'who, when, how long for' thing. And the same girl answered for me "oh he's going out with a girl in America" (yea thanks)
With that, the girls in the group start to ask a stupid amount of questions. 'where did you meet, was it online, have you met, what about sex, ect' But all said they thought it was 'cute'

I think id rather just keep my relationship to myself, the attention and possible piss takes I can do without.
My best mate, whole also knows im in a ldr and doesn't judge me, saved me that day by dragging me to the bar, out the way of an onslaught of questions.

I think you have to tell the right people. If you get enough negative comments i think it can damage how you feel on the who LDR relationships.

[happyshazam7]

I'm in my second LDR - in my last one, I was in a long-term CD relationship but I moved from Indiana to LA. I was at a picnic and somebody asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said, "Yes, he lives in Indiana." And the guy said, "Oh, so you don't have a boyfriend." And yeah, it really pissed me off. That was two and a half years ago and I still remember it, so obviously it bothered me.

That said, when people ask if I have a boyfriend, I always say yes. Because I do. And I'm not ashamed of him. I would be hurt if I felt that he was embarrassed of me. All of my friends have been awesome and supportive and other people - well, I'm used to being an ambassador for lifestyles out of the norm. I'm already an atheist vegan feminist, so being in an international LDR doesn't make me that much weirder. Maybe I will serve as an example to those people that LDRs are as real as any other relationship.

[Zephii]

I don't see a reason to hide it.

Personally I think it's good that people know, especially family and close friends. Most of my SO's people knew I existed, but didn't realise we were more than friends, or how long we'd been in contact, so they treated me like I was a stranger to him when I finally flew over to meet him. They treated us like we had no history, like we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into - even though we'd been doing it four years already. It was frustrating. I think it would have been better if he's been a bit more forthcoming with who I was and why I was going to Canada - that I was the person sending those regular parcels, I was the person on the other end of skype every night, etc.

Of course, it's easier to be open about it after you've met in person. If you only know each other online, people can be real dicks about that.

When they say "It's so far and so hard" you say "nothing worth doing is ever easy" It helps having a come-back for nearly everything!

[ChibiFelicia]

I dont see a reason to hide it either. I dont really care what other people think. I know some of my younger friends and co workers think its odd that im in an international relationship but the older people seem to understand it. Those questions like "how do you know that he's faithful?" i tned to just say "no different to being CD then is it?"

[pink elephant]

Been awhile since I posted.. but this particular thread caught my attention.

I think you should do whatever you feel is best and comfortable for you based on your situation and reading the atmosphere. At my work, I ended up telling people that I was married to a guy from Scotland. Since I work at a translation company, majority of my co-workers come from different parts of the world and are pretty understanding when it comes to international relationships (and most of them are also female), but they freaked out and became excited for me and kept asking me questions about him, the UK, my trips to see him, when I will move to the UK, etc.. >_< I ended up digging my own grave - because then every day after that was, "How is your husband?" Or if I would say some sort of rhetorical question like, "You know what I'd like to do today?" a co-worker would always respond, "Be with your Scottish husband?"

And every day would come from them a reminder of how much it sucks to be away from him. Curiosity is OK, but then there's a point reached where you just can't take constant comments and criticism anymore. Their questions always made me feel like they were more interested in his "Scottish-ness" than himself as an individual. I don't like that and neither does he.

With my friends and family, I feel comfortable telling people about him. But anyone else who I don't really know, as I have now learned, I just tell people I am married and introduce him as the man I love and that's that. You shouldn't feel like you have to tell people more than you need or want to. That way, you can still talk about being with him proudly. A lot of people just don't understand the incredible patience, strength, and motivation it takes to keep up a long-distance relationship.

[Haley53]

I'm like Moon. I have noticed that the more you treat a LDR like it's nothing special, the less people are likely to cross lines, and if they continue to push, being diplomatically honest about how you feel about their responses isn't going to hurt anything. I feel like it also helps to try and understand where they're coming from. I have been asked, "wow, is that hard?" "Do you see other people?" "What about sex?" and so on, questions that seem obvious to me now, but that aren't obvious to the person who's asking them. Their comments and questions are based out of someone who knows nothing, and I sometimes use it as an opportunity to exercise great patience if it's necessary. Think of it like being in school. If you're having difficulty grasping a concept, you're likely to ask questions, and the teacher/professor has to explain that concept, probably to multiple students, even though they know it like the back of their hand. No, we aren't teachers, but realising that some people are going to ask questions and the best thing to do is answer them can help. I also think it helps to redirect the conversation, or speak in terms that end it, really. "Yeah, it's hard, but we make it work." Most people stop at that. If they press, give short (but nice) answers or simply give an answer and then ask about them. Either way, though, if you open up to having a SO somewhere else, especially internationally, people are going to be curious about it. People continue to be curious about my SO even if I don't view my relationship as different to CD despite the obvious ways in which it actually is. If you don't want people to ask, say you're in a relationship and leave it at that, or tell them that the question is a little bit personal and you don't feel like sharing that at this time. I think the biggest thing people can do, however, is stop resenting the attention that they receive. For whatever reason, it seems to attract/generate more of it, perhaps for the same reason that letting a schoolyard bully know something bothers you (or a troll online) encourages them to continue. Sometimes you have to respond with nonchalance to receive it in return.

[Tooki]

I haven't had any big problems. Most say something along the lines of "Oh she is Estonian? She must be gorgeous then!" or "She is Estonian? NICE"

[lyonsgirl]

I'm not international, but... would you tell people if you were in a CDR? Because a relationship is a relationship, no matter the distance. So if you would tell them if you were CD, then why not tell them? I mean, sure, you'll have to answer questions, but then you get to brag about your SO for a little bit - and who doesn't like to do that?

[Dziubka]

I don't know, maybe because I'm older and really don't have to care what anyone thinks, but I'd never be embarrassed of my adorable Finnish guy, why should I be? I get that not everyone understands it, but that's OK, I do, and I'm happy to explain it to anyone who asks a reasonable question, even if it's over and over again. I love him, he's my best friend, there's no shame in that. If you can't be comfortable within your relationship, why even bother?

This!
Talking about my boyfriend always made him much more 'present' and part of my daily life. If I never talked about him, it would be like he didn't exist outside of our phone calls and visits.

I think the only somewhat negative comment I've gotten so far is was "How much money have you blown on visiting each other this year already?" from someone who had been in a ldr themselves (weirdly enough) and I just said that travelling to see the person I love is the best possible way I can imagine spending my money (which isn't really true, travelling with them, would be better, but whatevs).

[Xanahtas]

I dont see a reason to hide it. Im not really bothered by what people say or how they look at me. Im happy and thats all that matters.

[Kiyama]

I totally agree with Eclaire and Moon. I don't treat my relationship as anything out of the ordinary and I've never encountered any negative reactions really. Of course people are like "woooow" but so what? I feel like it is more admiration that we are able to make it work despite the distance than anything. I proud of my guy and my relationship and that's the way I talk about it to other people
Furthermore and that is nothing but the truth: because of my ldr I was able to see so much of America. I had never been there and I probably would have gone at some point in my life but never the way I get to experience it right now. Not as a tourist only but really getting in touch with the culture and exploring all the little things the tourists miss. Who cannot love that?!