Waiting years before meeting your SO in person?

[Caitlin2009]

So my relationship ISN'T worth waiting for and I should either dump him after a few years or either meet in two years?
Sorry, but I still disagree. Just because most of you met early doesn't mean I should.
Call me delusional or stupid, but I find it more and more difficult to agree with that.

Remember, there are cultural issues to this.

My mom doesn't approve of me to EVEN just think about relationships, let alone online ones. Heck, she keeps telling me her plans that I should get a master's degree and get a job after that! I don't think she even approves of me getting into ANY relationship!

(There was this one time I asked her, "What if I were gay?" and she was like "No, I can't have that." I asked her why. She told me that it'll be hard for me to cope with things.)

I think my mom doesn't even want me to have a family one day. She married at 23, so I think I know where she's coming from. I don't intend to get married until I'm 25 or 26, because by then, I'll have a stable source of income.

Yeah, I'm a terrible girlfriend because of this and this is pretty much the only relationship I've ever had.
But I'll try to meet him in 2.5 years.
It will NOT be easy, especially on my part.

you asked a question we answered truthfully, if you dont want an honest answer then dont ask! as for your mom well....your 19 its your life you choose what to do with it not her. and if you have to wait 5 years just to meet someone then no they are not worth it. it would be different if he had kids....you get some leeway with that but since he doesnt then no waiting 5 years is a deal breaker

[Lady Death]

you asked a question we answered truthfully, if you dont want an honest answer then dont ask! as for your mom well....your 19 its your life you choose what to do with it not her. and if you have to wait 5 years just to meet someone then no they are not worth it. it would be different if he had kids....you get some leeway with that but since he doesnt then no waiting 5 years is a deal breaker

Well, I trying to be honest and polite myself. I know about 5 years won't work with you guys and that it is a waste of your time, but I'm willing to wait that long. That's the maximum amount of years I have to wait.

I said I can wait 2.5 years if I had to be realistic.

Also, I'll see what I can do about my mom. She's awfully strict. But my dad might talk some sense into her.
Just because I'm 19 doesn't mean I have full control of my life. It's normal for Eastern countries to have families that keep their grown children and relatives close by.

I just wanted this to start out as a thread to discuss waiting and how to wait. But I'm afraid it turned into a debate.

[Kiyama]

That's the maximum amount of years I have to wait.

The problem is that this is not the maximum you'll wait. For me that would be even too long for a ldr with my guy who I see fairly often. In five years your waiting doesn't stop. You might meet him yes but then? You have met this guy once then so you'll still be far away from closing the distance so that will be additional waiting.

[Lady Death]

Then I'll try telling my parents, even if it means that they lose some trust in me.

[Moon]

Well, I trying to be honest and polite myself. I know about 5 years won't work with you guys and that it is a waste of your time, but I'm willing to wait that long. That's the maximum amount of years I have to wait.

I said I can wait 2.5 years if I had to be realistic.

Also, I'll see what I can do about my mom. She's awfully strict. But my dad might talk some sense into her.
Just because I'm 19 doesn't mean I have full control of my life. It's normal for Eastern countries to have families that keep their grown children and relatives close by.

I just wanted this to start out as a thread to discuss waiting and how to wait. But I'm afraid it turned into a debate.

No one is debating you really, you're taking all of this much too personally. If you want to wait, then that's what you'll do, I think most people were just showing concern, as everyone on this forum knows what waiting is like, you aren't unique in that respect. 5 years is a very long time, and you'll do a lot of growing and changing in that time, but it is ultimately up to you. Many people in the west don't understand how different familial relations work in the east, and how turning 18 doesn't make you free to do whatever you want, sorry about that.

I think you aren't getting the advice you want because there just aren't that many people who have been in your situation and actually made it long enough to meet. I apologize, but that's simply the truth. That's not to say you won't, or you should dump him, and nobody called you delusional or stupid, we're just saying we wouldn't do it and our reasons for that. Nobody is picking on you, you've been here enough time that you should realize that, but it's a forum and people state their opinions here, regardless if you agree or not. You don't have to justify your relationship to anybody, just remember that, it's yours to do as you wish. Good luck.

[13000km]

I was raised in a Chinese family myself, where parents dictate more than the rest of the world is used to, and I understand your concerns. I agree with the advice given though, that five years might be too long to wait. You may regret spending so much time waiting to realise that you may not be able to successfully maintain a relationship in person because of cultural differences. It also may be too much time spent not getting to know each other in person before realizing that you wish you hadn't spent 5 years of your young life apart. Speaking from experience, I won't encourage you to keep your relationship from your parents. If there are cultural differences that are preventing you from seeing each other that may as well reflect what your future relationship is going to constantly endure. If this is a relationship you don't think your parents will approve of, it's better to tell them earlier rather than later so that you can be sure both of you can weather the disapproval since you're going to have to eventually. Or, your parents might eventually come to terms with it, like my mom did.

If this is very rambly, I apologize. I'm writing this on my phone and it's hard to read my post back when I can't see it in whole.

[Sora1101]

I know how you feel really I do, I have been in my relationship almost 3 years and my parents still don't know about it. It's not a cultural thing but my parents don't approve of online relationships and he is 5 years older than I am and at my age it's a very touchy subject. You're not the only one here who has to hide their relationship and you don't have to make it all the way through college to meet just because your parents don't know. If you have the money you could easily fly him in or fly out to see him and stay at a hotel for the weekend and get to know each other. I don't see why it would take 5 years just to meet unless neither of you had a source of income and were saving pennies out of the couch cushions, it'll be hard to save that's for sure but it's not impossible.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the whole thread. I may have missed something.

I waited four and a half odd years to meet my SO in person. And it was the best thing I ever did. I still can't believe we're together, that we finally made it. IT amazes me. He's the centre of my world. I've never been so happy. We're so in love and determined, we make ourselves sick, never mind the onlookers.
So, yeah. If he's worth it, if you're both happy... cool. Do it!

There's another member here too, Lady Kyanna (sp. I'm so bad remembering screen names) who's post I may have missed in my skimming... but I know she and her partner waited (and were committed) for a full five years before meeting in person. They are still doing the distance thing at the moment, they met in person 2 years ago (I think!) and the photos that appear on my facebook wall tell me they too are perfect for each other. They KNEW. and they waited and it's a real-life fairy tale. Super inspiring I think.

The main difference for me is, Obi and I weren't officially together before we met. It was... messy. Haha. There was a super long courtship, we were just best friends who had too much cybersex and sent lots of gifts and letters I think being official might have made it harder, I had a lot going on, people dying on me and stuff... I didn't have enough in me to hold a decent relationship with him for most of that time. But, without commitment/obligations to each other, we still got through.

Nowadays? I couldn't do it. I feel like I'm too old. Like I'd be wasting my best years (We met online when we were 17, then in person at 21) but when I was younger, LD was pretty ideal haha. I can't complain, I strongly believe it's do-able and it's also easier imo to be LD before you meet. When you meet, shit gets real, and it gets harder

So, find a groove that works for both of you and go with it

I am wondering however why he can't visit you, stay in a hotel... just so you can have that first meet. Tell your mum you're having a sleep over at a mate's place or something Surely there's a way! There's always a way.

I know this might sound a bit rough too, but you need to care less about what your mum thinks. Live for you, not for her. I know it's not so easy in the Eastern countries, I know the culture is very obedient and all. It must be hard. But you are an adult, and you really don't want to waste your life trying to hide who you are and who/what you love. Family can be the most daunting people to talk to sometimes, but at the end of the day generally they are the people who will still be there for you regardless. They will love you none the less.

Don't lose hope! The best things are worth waiting and working hard for.

[Dziubka]

So my relationship ISN'T worth waiting for and I should either dump him after a few years or either meet in two years?
Sorry, but I still disagree. Just because most of you met early doesn't mean I should.
Call me delusional or stupid, but I find it more and more difficult to agree with that.

Remember, there are cultural issues to this.

I don't think anyone said your relationship isn't worth waiting for and you should dump your SO or that you were a terrible girlfriend.
Some of us said that we wouldn't wait that long and explained why it's not an option for us.

I won't even pretend I know anything about the cultural issues here. I admit that it's something I completely don't understand and probably never will.
I've had my own money from the age of 15 and I moved out and abroad on my own at 19. My mum wouldn't even have known who I was seeing or tavelling to or whatever, if I didn't want to share it with her. I couldn't have cared less about what plans she had for me (not that she would have had any, apart from hoping that I would be happy). So obviously your situation is very far from my reality...

I don't even know if I would call waiting that long a waste of time
I know for myself that it wouldn't make me happy. It wouldn't be the kind of relationship that could fulfill the expectations or needs I have when in a relationship. I would not want to wait years for a guy who might be perfect for me. If I can't see him regularly he's not perfect for me. I don't believe in true love waits. I actually believe that there are very few things worth waiting years for. I don't believe in focussing on the future to be happy. I want to be happy now, not wait to possibly be happy in a few years. I'd rather give up on big 'prospective happiness' for a smaller instant happiness, because who knows what huge bliss is waiting for me out there, that I don't know about yet.

That said, if waiting and being in your relationship is what makes you happy, then that's great. You're the only person who knows what works for you and what doesn't.

[Vidhadi]

Hey. I am in a LDR with my girl for 5 months. We just met a week ago. We make each other really happy and although just 5 months, I want her in my life forever. We talked and I told her that I would take 10 years to settle down. Army and Uni and stuff. She doesn't mind. Neither do I. We agree to go with the flow. Right now, we love each other. But given a choice, we won't give up us easily.

So, for your case, screw others. This is between you and our bf. If 5 years, then 5 years it is. There is a couple who met for the first time after 2 years. And there is another who met after 8 years. Really. Just do your thing. And have fun with your bf. Good luck..

--- Shanky.

[Kristin91]

I wouldn't be able to wait that long. You're going to miss out on a big chunk of your life waiting for someone you haven't met.

This! You're still so young, and I wouldn't want to give up so much of this time in my life for someone on the internet. 5 years is a long time to wait, just think about where you picture yourself in 5 years.

[Caitlin2009]

I am wondering however why he can't visit you, stay in a hotel... just so you can have that first meet. Tell your mum you're having a sleep over at a mate's place or something Surely there's a way! There's always a way.

I know this might sound a bit rough too, but you need to care less about what your mum thinks. Live for you, not for her. I know it's not so easy in the Eastern countries, I know the culture is very obedient and all. It must be hard. But you are an adult, and you really don't want to waste your life trying to hide who you are and who/what you love. Family can be the most daunting people to talk to sometimes, but at the end of the day generally they are the people who will still be there for you regardless. They will love you none the less.

Don't lose hope! The best things are worth waiting and working hard for.

i second this. if its truly meant to be(and im not saying you or your boyfriend arent) then you will find a way to visit each other a little sooner then 5 years, you just gotta think of some ways and dont just settle for what you think might work, with an LDR you gotta fight for many things and work through whatever comes at you

[Bbth]

I am in a very similar situation, Lady Death. Not only about waiting years, but also about the parents issue. It is a very hard situation...

I met Alex about 7 months ago online and my parents still don't know about it. They'll never understand this. Firstly, it is not what they want for me. They want me to finish college, go to medical residency and stay here in Brazil. Secondly, if they knew, I'm pretty sure they'd do absolutely everything to break us up and they'd very likely take my notebook from me. They are very conservative about everything, not only relationships... They'd say he is not real, that he is a scammer and that he'd use everything I ever told him or the moments I shared with him to blackmail me or something. My father would worry about my safety, mostly. My mother... she'd agree with my dad, but she'd be happy that I'm finally in a relationship (I never had a bf before) and then she'd say everything people has said in this forum about the waiting. I suppose it is hard for any parent to see their child is a long distance relationship, especially if they don't trust the internet and when they were kids they didn't even have a phone in their houses. Maybe expect they are understanding about it is a little too much to ask.

I feel guilty, though, like I'm betraying them or something. I mean, they trust me and here I am dating a russian guy I met online! Crazy world... But I think that when it comes to love, you don't have much of a choice. It simply happens. I am extremely afraid of their reaction. I have tried telling them a million of times, but I just couldn't. I talked to Alex about it and we sort of agreed to wait until we are 1 year together to tell. He says he'll only tell his mom when he is coming to Brazil to see me not because he is afraid of her reaction, this is merely his choice. Anyway, on this sunday my sister found out. She saw us in skype. I...panicked. Of course. In the end, she agreed not to tell our parents, but ever since she has been "mothering" me. It sucks. Today when she left she said "Behave!" because she knew we were together. Honestly, I don't know how I am going to put up with this... If it was hard before to have some privacy to talk with him before this, now it's a smaller version of hell, let's say.

I'm 20, but I am not independent and I still live with my parents. This kinda sucks. I guess that happens with many med students as well, at least here in Brazil. We can't exactly work because of the long hours not only in college, but also at home studying for the countless exams. There a few paid stuff in college, like researches or so, and I'll try to get something like this next year, but it is only half a minimun wage and lots of hard work And this would take most of our time together :'(

We'll also have to wait about 5 years to meet. We set as a goal watch the Olympics in Rio together. So, technically, it is 4 years, but we can't really . It is not like this because we are stubborn and are not telling our parents... Our families also don't have much money, so our best option is to wait until we graduate and get a real job. Besides, even if I told my parents and -wild dream here- if they let me go to Russia, he doesn't want me to. He says he is the one who should come to me not the ther way around... And he can be extremely stubborn....

Well, I am depressed for a long time now. Last year I tried to kill myself and all, but I am getting medical treatment, I'm on therapy and my family, my best friend and him are helping me a lot with this. He saw I was getting worse because of the waiting years, so he decided to do something about it. He got a job. Well, for now it is a summer job and he is not sure if he'll be able to study and work when his classes go back, but he seems to be willing to try it. I did try to talk to my family about me getting a job. You know, I can't really let him do this alone. But they were all like "You don't need this. We give you everything!" and I...I was as smothered by it.

I know this may sound like I am a really weak person, but they control almost everything in my life there is no space for me to dare. I really think this is the biggest reason why we are going through all of this... But I'm trying. He is trying. And we love each other... We want to get married, have kids and grow old together. Every day is a day less waiting, is a day closer to finally being together... I told him today that when I first hug him, that's it. I'll never ever again let him go away from me.
We plan on closing the distance in 2016. May God help us!

[yachica]

I'd hate to admit it and I hate to sound rude, but I have to blunt:
I'm a little disappointed in your answers. What happened to "true love waits"?

I am a college student(and I'm delayed by a semester already), 19 years old and live in a society where online relationships are somewhat taboo.
It will be hard for me to bring it up to my parents, especially with my mother who's not only against online relationships, but is apparently afraid of me leaving the country for good. Also, travel would be expensive, but we'll both find a way around it.

I really have faith in my boyfriend and I see he's been really happy with me. It shows because he's been so sweet and caring towards me all the time.
All he's had in the past were failed online relationships and none of them lasted this long.
I am not willing to give this up.


If you guys think it's this bad, I think I can meet him in at least 2.5-3 years time.

Hi ,,,,,, I totally understand what you mean. Me and my SO haven't met in person yet and we have been together 13 months. She was going to visit in December (this year) but money issues mean we have to put it off until next summer. If all goes to plan then we will have been together just over 2 years when we meet for the first time.

It depends on the situation. Non of her family know she is gay so it would be difficult for me to visit and at the moment neither of us has a great deal of money and the cheapest flights are over £800!! I do think true love waits and I would wait 5 years if I had to but it would be hard and take a lot of work.

Good luck with whatever happens :-)

[Black_Halloween]

I read the entire threat and honestly, you're getting way too defensive. You asked and they answered you politely so if you will, please do the same for all of us. I know you don't like what you're hearing but please, calm down. I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through but my boyfriend and I are almost at the 2yr mark and we haven't met in person yet due to financial reasons (and I haven't bucked up the courage to tell my parents). 5 years is a long time to wait for somebody, and its a long time to somehow not be able to come up with the money for a visit. If you had a change jar and just saved all of your change i'm sure within 5 to 7 months you'd have enough for a long stay. Saving money takes a lot of sacrifice, especially from us college students. Good luck!