Waiting years before meeting your SO in person?

[Caitlin2009]

I read the entire threat and honestly, you're getting way too defensive. You asked and they answered you politely so if you will, please do the same for all of us. I know you don't like what you're hearing but please, calm down. I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through but my boyfriend and I are almost at the 2yr mark and we haven't met in person yet due to financial reasons (and I haven't bucked up the courage to tell my parents). 5 years is a long time to wait for somebody, and its a long time to somehow not be able to come up with the money for a visit. If you had a change jar and just saved all of your change i'm sure within 5 to 7 months you'd have enough for a long stay. Saving money takes a lot of sacrifice, especially from us college students. Good luck!

amen to this. saving money is always a good thing!

[Tooki]

I read the entire threat and honestly, you're getting way too defensive. You asked and they answered you politely so if you will, please do the same for all of us. I know you don't like what you're hearing but please, calm down. I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through but my boyfriend and I are almost at the 2yr mark and we haven't met in person yet due to financial reasons (and I haven't bucked up the courage to tell my parents). 5 years is a long time to wait for somebody, and its a long time to somehow not be able to come up with the money for a visit. If you had a change jar and just saved all of your change i'm sure within 5 to 7 months you'd have enough for a long stay. Saving money takes a lot of sacrifice, especially from us college students. Good luck!

In all fairness though, it would take her a lot longer than one of us in the West to save up the money for a flight.

And I have to echo the sentiment of most of the others here. We aren't telling you to not do the relationship because you might have to wait 5 years. The point is that it is FIVE YEARS. Think about where you were 5 years ago from now. That is how much time would that you would need to wait before you meet your guy. And as others have said, that is only until you meet him. It could be another 5 years before you close the distance. You two might not feel the same love in person. There are a lot of variables to consider.

The choice is ultimately yours. I have international student friends from Asia, so I know how the 'Asian family politics' operate. Just be upfront with your mother about what you want. In all honesty? She might even respect (to an extent) that you are being proactive about your own affairs and being a confident woman.

[Gecko]

Dear Lady Death,

First of all, I want to say that I support you 100% and I think that if you truly think it is worth it, you should wait however long you need to. Do not pay any attention to the negative and/or discouraging comments which have already been posted. Focus on the positives. Relationships between two people in Western cultures are treated much differently than in Eastern cultures, and of course, as you know, relationships in the Philippines are especially serious.

I am 19 years old and live in Washington state, USA. My girlfriend Nory is 21 years old and lives in Cainta, Rizal, Philippines. We met online through Facebook on January 24th, 2012 and began dating on March 26th, 2012. Even though we have only been dating for just a touch over five months, we are deeply in love and plan on eventually getting married, having wonderful children, etc. But we are also smart about it. I am soon starting my second year of college, and she graduated last spring (we actually started dating three days after she graduated) from her university in the Philippines. We won't be able to marry at least for four years, perhaps longer than that, which is fine with both of us because that way we will both have a chance to mature and be responsible in our marriage. But we do want to marry as soon as we can, once we are both independent. Also, she will be doing post-graduate work to go into the medical field, and I will probably end up completing my masters and PhD once we are married. We have not met in person yet, but we are 1,000% committed to each other. And we are willing to wait as long as it takes to be with each other, because we both know it is WORTH IT.

We have plans to meet next summer, which will be after we have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half. Even though my situation is not exactly like yours, it is very similar, and the age group is the same, albeit my girlfriend is slightly older. However, even if I had to wait for five years, or, say, eight or nine years, I would still do it, I am that committed. And my girlfriend is too. I admit, the distance is very frustrating, and it can be very stressful at times even though it is also soothing and comforting.

So my advice is this: use your intuition and do what you think feels right. You know your relationship better than anyone else here on this forum, and so you know best what the implications are of how you treat your relationship with your long distance boyfriend. If your relationship is going as well as you say it is, and your boyfriend shows the same level of commitment (and willingness to wait) as you do, then I can easily imagine you two maintaining that commitment very long term and succeeding despite the odds. =) Though the issue of the long time before meeting may bother you, always think forward to when you DO meet each other, and think of how the moment will be sweetened by five years of loyal commitment. It will be a moment of pure ecstasy, and I hope your relationship is successful and that you get to experience the full joy of it when you finally meet.

On another topic, I think that the issue of your mother most likely opposing your relationship is a huge roadblock in your relationship, and I think it would be best to tell her as soon as possible, so that even if she disagrees with it, she knows. If you had told her in the beginning, and then she noticed you maintain that relationship for the course of a whole year, I think by now she would have been supportive of your relationship because she knows that not only are you dedicated, but he is, and that would ease her biggest concern. Plus, if she knows about him and becomes supportive, then you would probably be able to meet him sooner! My girlfriend's family knows about me (she told them when I first asked her if she would consider a long distance relationship), and they were surprised that she even had a friend online from the USA, but they were supportive of her and said if she wanted to try a long distance relationship, then she should. I think that it would benefit you to talk to her and she could offer you advice about how best to tell your mother, since she is Filipina and knows how strict Filipino parents can be. Perhaps she can tell you how she told her parents.
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Also, for everyone who reads this, and who has commented already, I would like to inform you that Filipino women are the most devoted people ever. To most of you, physically being with your partner is very important because you crave the closeness and comfort of another person, and the basis for a solid relationship is meeting in person. Most Filipinas are mentally stronger than that. I've noticed that in my own girlfriend, though she describes herself as a "very impatient person", she is willing to wait as long as she needs to in order to be with me, no matter how long it takes. Filipino culture very strongly emphasizes unwavering loyalty, and by the time they have "committed" to another person (i.e. when they enter a relationship with that person), they are much more intimately connected to that person than is the case in most Western relationships. In Western relationships, especially ones in the USA, two people get to know each other and then usually the guy asks the girl out on a date, and after two or three dates, they may become boyfriend and girlfriend if they like each other. But then after entering that relationship, they are often still getting to know the core of each others' personalities. In the Philippines, when a guy likes a girl, he "courts" her, that is, he solicits her attention and may go out on a few dates, but it is much harder to win the attention of a Filipina girl than other girls. Sometimes a Filipino guy might court a girl for months or even years before she accepts him and they enter a relationship. And by that time, the girl has made a careful decision about what kind of person the guy is, and she knows him very well. I'm not saying that every Western relationship and every Filipino relationship are like the ones I just described, but based on what I have learned about Filipino culture over the span of seven months, I'm pretty sure that describes fairly well the "typical" relationship in each respective culture. So I think you fail to realize how committed Lady Death and her boyfriend are to even be dating long distance, considering the fact that she is Filipina.

[artgrl808]

True love has it's limits, but waiting FIVE years to meet him? That's a little extreme. Don't be tied down. As everyone has said before, enjoy your youth. How can you know it's true love when you've never met?
On the other hand, it's your choice to take the advice or not.
Do what you think is right, that's all you can do.
Best of luck.

[kittyo9]

Well, I waited 2 years to meet my SO, and our relationship started when I was 19. My parents were really against it and I went anyway, because I'm an adult and I worked for my money and I am the one who dictates my life.

I don't think it's fair to say, "How can you know it's true love if you've never met?" I didn't take the risk that I did because I thought it was just a fling.

However, 5 years is a very, very long time. Like literally 25% of your lifetime so far. Is there a reason your SO can't come to you? You've been awfully quiet about his side. Is it just because you haven't told your parents?

[Carenza LaRue]

question for OP...

okay, YOU are willing to wait for 5 years...... but is HE willing to wait for so long?

[ChibiFelicia]

Like another poster above me in this thread, i grew up in a Chinese family. Culturally its so different to western countries and oh my were my parents strict. Being the female also made it harder. Growing up i was the typical good Chinese girl (doing everything my parents asked, good grade etc etc). Then you get to your late teens and you see your western friends having so much freedom. It's so hard! But yeah i turned in to an ass once i moved out at 18 (i got into a prestigious university which was far from home - best thing that has ever happened to me! lol) Got my own money etc etc and well i basically turned into the black sheep of the family because i wouldnt do as they said. I still kept my relationships secret from them and i kept my grades up and once i graduated i was like "hey mum dad, yeah you know how you said relationships are bad for studying? well i've been in a relationship for x amount of years so leave me alone!". That didnt go down so well.

Anyway apologies for all my rambling, i just wanted to say that you do what you want to do. Letting your family dictate everything you do , the feeling of disappointing them etc its your life. You have to make your own mistakes (not saying your relationship is btw, i mean just in general). If your bf can come visit you earlier go for it! but stay safe. and honestly i would tell your parents. If you hide stuff from them, the trust thing just goes down the drain. Oh but i'd tell them when you're already out of the house.

Ok so back to your OP. I was 24 when i met my man and we both agreed that the relationship couldnt be official until we met. It took him 3 months to come and see me (due to my vacation times not money issues). It took me about 2 months into the online thing to tell my parents (as he was staying at my house i kinda thought itd be the decent thing to do). Honestly i was surprised at my parents reaction. My mum said to me "you're gonna do it no matter what so i'd rather you jsut stay safe and im glad you told me". For me and my man, waiting any longer to meet each other was not an option. If the 5 year mark for you and your man is what you're both ok with then go for it. IT'll be hard though and as everyone above has said, a lot can change in 5 years. You're still young, at 24 i was totally different to how i was at 19. My priorities changed. Well just make sure you're both on the same page

[aomnomnom]

I'm from Thailand and I think we asians all have similar traditions and our parents can be pretty controlling without knowing it is not the right thing. I'm 22 now and live with my dad who is pretty much a dictator. He has mutiple attempts to control me so far (telling me what should i be and how i should help the family business once i graduated) and so far I couldnt care less and he couldnt do anything about it but bringing it up anytime he likes and I just let him.

I met my bf online in the summer of 2011 when I was in the States doing the exchange summer program, we intended to meet but we werent that serious back then, and he got into a car accident and didnt meet. Now I am back in Thailand finishing up my last semester of college and he's deployed but we are still committed. I will visit him and we might just get married in the US in 2013.

I have already secured a tourist visa and the money for the plane tickets ready to go as soon as I can. So we will meet in person after 1 year and 5 months or so. Now, I think like everyone said it depends on you and your SO how long you guys are willing to wait and how committed you are.. but let me tell you that it has been really hard for me and my bf to maintain a healthy realtionship. I have always been the one with doubts and he's the stable one(thankfully). Though I said I trust him completely but inside I still wonder what he's doing and who he's with and its a pain to feel that way when he's not online. You will desire eachother physically and emtionally and it's just hard not being able to be there for eachother.

I'm not sure if your bf is from the US or not but if yes then you better look into the visa stuff and try to get it as soon as you are can. There are many people who are not qualified for the visas but it's alot easier to get it while you are a student. Try to save up is obviously a must.

I hate the saying about not being able to know its true love before meeting in person. I think thats a bit judgemental because how do you know its not? So, the risk is still there. I think what you worried about most here is your family and i'd say you have to take a stand if you are so sure that your bf is worth it, then you will have to MAKE your mom see it and for god's sake stop spoiling her by doing everything she asks for and complains about it to strangers! Simply tell her that you are not going to do what she asks because you dont want to. Dont be afraid. That parenting styles still there because you allowed it to be there. You dont have to runaway from home or breakaway or put up a fight just tell her (with a clam voice) what you want and hopes that she will respect that. Be like I'm just telling, not asking for permission and 2.5 years isnt too bad stick to it.

[Lady Grimm]

I know I'm a bit late jumping in on this, but I figured I'd share my story...

My SO and I met online almost 11 years ago. The craziest part of our story is that 11 years ago makes me 10 years old. To a lot of people, that is really weird, but allow me to explain... I'm (two weeks away from being) 21. I grew up -- as I am sure a fair few on here did -- during a time when computers were becoming really common in homes. I think I had my first email account when I was 8, and about that same time all of my friends and I had MSN messenger. The computer was second nature to me! Being a kid, online games were my number one place to be, and some of these games had chat components with other players from all over the world. So there I am at the age of 10, playing a game and casually chatting with people, and eventual I made some online friends who I added to MSN. Some of those friends came and went, but one was always there: my SO.

Of course, he wasn't my SO at the time. Time goes by and we spend everyday talking on MSN. Fast forward two years, and I have a major crush. Turns out, my SO returned the crush. Fast forward to 15, and that crush is alive and strong. We even decided, after admitting we loved each other, to try and make a real relationship out of it. That relationship has been going on ever since.

In terms of meeting, however, things weren't quite as easy. We were both in our mid-teens, no jobs, no money, and most importantly, we were still minors with no way to travel. His friends and family knew about me, but I couldn't tell my parents. They were strict, hated me being on the computer as much as I was, and definitely saw meeting someone online as taboo, dangerous, and not something they could ever allow their daughter to do. That left us with no options. It wasn't until I was 18, and a legal adult with the freedom to travel as I wished without parental consent, that I flew to the UK to meet my SO.

Effectively, that means that my SO and I waited 8 years from the moment we first spoke, and 3 years since officially becoming a couple, to meet in person.

I have no regrets; the wait was totally worth it. We're still a little while away from closing the distance, but are hoping to do so soon. Some people who commented in this thread say a few years is too long to wait to meet for first time, but only you know what is best, or even possible, for you. And if this is something you both want, don't hesitate for even a moment to pursue it, no matter what it takes. It takes time, dedication, and patience, but if you love someone and you're willing to work for it, no amount of time is too long to wait for your SO.

[BellaJedi]

It's been 9 years and I'm just going to meet him in December for the first time - but, to be fair, we had broken up in the middle and I had other SOs and he had other girlfriends on and off, so it's not like I was all by myself for 9 solid years.

[lk_x]

5 years is too long for me. My SO and I have realised that we can't close our gap for another 2, but have agreed to meet at least, early next year

[Mura]

For me I'm expecting it to be at most 3, I'm trying and hoping for it to be sooner. I know that her parents most likely will not let her fly around to the other half of the planet to meet some guy they have never met themselves, so I'll make that step most likely to fly down there. Plus she has to finish school and so do I. I'm hoping I'll have enough cash saved up to go see her during a summer or something. If it wasn't for bills, college, etc constantly sucking my money, I will most likely be able to see her sooner. I'm already going insane not being with her though, so it'll be a miracle if I'm still alive by then :P

But hey, 5 years is possible, it will work for as long as BOTH of you want it to work. I send my blessings for both of you and you have my complete support for it. It's your life, do what you feel is right.

[KelliP]

I've been with my SO for 1.5 years and we probably won't meet for another 1.5 because my parents have trust issues over internet people so i haven't told them. Yeah, it is difficult, not being with him, but what fuels me is that when we do meet, it'll be the best day of my life :3

[Tooki]

I wouldn't be able to wait years before meeting my GF. If I didn't go to Estonia and meet my GF last year, we would probably not be dating.

I've been with my SO for 1.5 years and we probably won't meet for another 1.5 because my parents have trust issues over internet people so i haven't told them. Yeah, it is difficult, not being with him, but what fuels me is that when we do meet, it'll be the best day of my life :3

Tere!

[kayla_622]

In one of my LDR's we waited about a year and half before meeting in person but that was mainly due to us breaking up for a few months before that and I don't think I could personally go more than a few months with out seeing my SO. Its too hard for me. I think its unrealistic to expect someone else to wait 5 years to meet the boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time. While yes you will have a connection online and over the phone most people need to physically be around the person they love too. I think you should talk to your SO, see how they feel about waiting that long, let them have a say in it. Just don't drag them along without letting them know that you don't think you two will be able to physically meet for 5 years. Maybe you can work something out so you two can meet sooner. Maybe he'll say he can't do that. You'll never know what they think until you speak with them.