The reality of international LDRs

[DiorAllure]

We had the realization yesterday that the only real way for us to be together for any extended period of time... is to get married. I'm starting to notice that trend in international LDRs, what with the very real complications of visas and what not.

It's slightly terrifying and so unfair that we need to start thinking about all this stuff so soon. My bf and I are the kind of people who would have been perfectly happy moving in together and starting a life together without ever getting married, but now we have to, just to be together. Besides, we're both way too young to even be thinking about marriage, though, unfortunately we have to. And there's the kicker.

Don't get me wrong, we've still got a few years before we even get to the point of really discussing marriage and K1 visas etc, and for now, we're just continuing the long distance. Hopefully, he'll be able to make it to the US by some other means, but I'm not holding my breath for that anymore.

I just really hope dating long distance for a few more years will be enough for us to work our separate lives out and to be able to make that big decision that I see coming up ahead. I don't have any doubts that I love him or that he loves me and that we want to build a life together, but just the practicality of working out our careers together, not being able to really live together until after we're married, apparently... etc. Not to mention what the families will think.

A very humbling dose of reality, indeed. It's calming in a strange and morbid way, to really understand how it will have to be.

I'd love to hear your general thoughts on this matter. There's something therapeutic about talking these things over with others in similar situations, who can really understand.

[lucybelle]

What country is your SO in? I think there are ways to live together before marriage as I think almost all of the international closed distance couples on here have. Right now I'm living with my SO in Costa Rica. Before he lived with me in the USA. We've been living together for over 1.5 years. There's lots of other couples who have done similar things.

Now to live together for a quite extended amount of time is probably trickier and when you will probably have to consider marriage. For now, I think you should look into extended visits (over 3 months) which is sort of like living together.

[kittyo9]

I share your frustration.

My boyfriend lives in Peru and I live in the US. It really sucks because the opportunities and standard of life are so much better where I live, but it's so much harder for him to come here. He can't even get a tourist visa. We're going to try one more time (our third time...), but we're not hopeful. Our only remaining options are a student visa (IF he can get into graduate school, which he currently can't afford but really wants to do), him miraculously finding work here, or marriage.

But we're not ready to be married. We're in college. We can't support ourselves yet, much less have a wedding. And yet, we are forced to think about it seriously if we ever want to live our lives together.

Because of these things, we've had to extend living at a distance for another year, on top of what we had already expected. It's so heartbreaking.

[DiorAllure]

I'm in the US and he's in the UK. It would be quite difficult for me to leave the US because of the career I am working towards, though I suppose it's not completely out of the question. Things are just a little too fuzzy to figure that out right now.

For him getting into the US on anything but a fiance/spouse visa seems like it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Maybe we can live together for a few months here and there, but without him and I both working at the same time while living together, I'm not sure that would really feel like "living together" for real. Especially since he'd have to rebuild a whole new life here and everything. It just seems like we can never have our lives in parallel and live together, you know?

[lucybelle]

Maybe we can live together for a few months here and there, but without him and I both working at the same time while living together, I'm not sure that would really feel like "living together" for real. Especially since he'd have to rebuild a whole new life here and everything.

The thing is one of you WILL have to rebuild a whole new life in a new country. Look, it's not easy and sacrifices have to be made. My SO quit his job to "live" with me for 6 months on his tourist visa. Meaning he didn't work. He lived off his savings. Then I quit my job and moved down to CR on a tourist visa. Which means I didn't work initially either, and lived off my savings. Now I'm applying for residency and have a job. Which is much easier to do here than in the USA which is why we're here right now. But we both made big sacrifices to be with each other. I had a scholarship/loan that I had to pay back in full because I left the USA. But I'd rather pay back the loan then spend another 3 years LD.

Make it a priority to be together. Then make it happen.

[Oldblighty]

The thing is one of you WILL have to rebuild a whole new life in a new country. Look, it's not easy and sacrifices have to be made. My SO quit his job to "live" with me for 6 months on his tourist visa. Meaning he didn't work. He lived off his savings. Then I quit my job and moved down to CR on a tourist visa. Which means I didn't work initially either, and lived off my savings. Now I'm applying for residency and have a job. Which is much easier to do here than in the USA which is why we're here right now. But we both made big sacrifices to be with each other. I had a scholarship/loan that I had to pay back in full because I left the USA. But I'd rather pay back the loan then spend another 3 years LD.

Make it a priority to be together. Then make it happen.

I agree with Lucybelle..One person has to sacrifice their life to be with their SO..that's what you get for falling in love with someone from overseas. I also hate the fact that it's so hard to cohabit with someone who lives overseas and the only way you can do it is either by securing a job, which isn't easy, study in your SO's country, which isn't an easy option either...or marrying....which I have done. If I had the choice I would have liked to have lived with my SO for a few years before marrying him. Now were going through the I-130 visa application and the waiting begins....

[DiorAllure]

Of course it's not going to be easy. Our situation seems a little different that yours, but that's fine. The way things are right now, it has to be long distance for at least the next three/four years because of school (I'm in professional school). It just has to be. But we're both committed to doing everything we can to make it work, despite that fact.

We're just coming to the realization that it's very very likely that in order for us to be together, we'll have to get married. It's just very different from the traditional, which is why it feels so weird. Everyone always thinks they know how relationships are supposed to go. You date, you move in together, you get married. But our situation doesn't allow for that.

[Kiyama]

I think it can work that you get married without properly having lived together. Hopefully my SO will find a job in Germany so we get around this issue. If not we have that problem too. I don't think right now is a good time to get married. Eventually yes but we don't want to rush into things. The thing is, sometimes you don't have a choice and you can't live together before you get married. I knew me and my ex boyfriend wasn't going to work out before we moved in with each other and yet we did. It was a catastrophe. With my SO it's completely different.
You have to be honest with yourself and your relationship though. Don't be blinded by love but get in touch with the reality that your partner isn't perfect and that certain things will annoy you much more than now. Unfortunately some people aren't able to do that or they move in with each other waaaaay too early when they are still in the honeymoon phase. It might work in some cases but I'm sure there are others with an uncomfortable wake up :/
So I'm a bit torn. I'm inclined to say it works out with getting married to be able to live together but a the same time I'm a strong supporter of the idea to live together first. If option one is your only option, at least make sure you "live together" on a tourist visa for three months or so. Just a couple of weeks visits once a year are definitely not enough in my opinion.

[lucybelle]

So in your school do you have time off? Summers off? Winters? Even just a month as an extended visit is better than a week here and a week there.

[DiorAllure]

We are going to try to fit in as many extended visits as possible. Beyond this first summer, I don't really have any more long breaks from school, unfortunately. I am entering a very demanding field.

Although we have already spent a considerable amount of time together, I think, for an international LDR. If we add it all up, maybe about 2.5-3 months of "visits/living together" in 10 months of dating.

[DiorAllure]

I think it can work that you get married without properly having lived together.

I was just reading some interesting articles about some studies that showed living together or not before getting married has no effect on the marriage success. Some older studies have in fact showed that people who live together first are more likely to have the marriage fail (although this of course depends on the situation and couple). I think now though the studies are showing no correlation to marriage success either way.

I would link anyone interested, but apparently I'm not allowed to because I haven't posted enough yet.

[Verojoon]

I'm in the US and he's in the UK. It would be quite difficult for me to leave the US because of the career I am working towards, though I suppose it's not completely out of the question. Things are just a little too fuzzy to figure that out right now.

For him getting into the US on anything but a fiance/spouse visa seems like it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Maybe we can live together for a few months here and there, but without him and I both working at the same time while living together, I'm not sure that would really feel like "living together" for real. Especially since he'd have to rebuild a whole new life here and everything. It just seems like we can never have our lives in parallel and live together, you know?

My sister is Canadian (of course) and her husband is from the UK. They lived together for several years before closing the distance by doing working holiday, first her over there (that's how they met) , then him here, then her there, and then they got married and he is now a permanent resident... Yes, marriage is the easiest fastest way to close the distance permanently, but there should be ways to close the distance for long periods of time during which you can feel more comfortable with making that decision!

As for me and my SO, we are nowhere near the point where we are looking at closing the distance, but we will probably do temporary decisions (him here because of my children) before we make a permanent decision... by the time we are ready to say yes, we want to start this life together and he is ready to leave his life and family behind, then marriage doesn't seem like such a big deal... it seems to commitment is already made by that point...

[DiorAllure]

My sister is Canadian (of course) and her husband is from the UK. They lived together for several years before closing the distance by doing working holiday

I think UK to Canada is much easier than UK to US, because Canada and the UK are both in the Commonwealth or something like that. Am I correct?

I think we're in a similar place as you. We're definitely not ready yet to close the distance with marriage, but I hope after a few more years of dating long distance, we will be. He'll hopefully be studying abroad here next year so that will definitely help. It'll still be long distance, but significantly-shorter-long distance

[EnglishMan]

I'm in the US and he's in the UK. It would be quite difficult for me to leave the US because of the career I am working towards, though I suppose it's not completely out of the question. Things are just a little too fuzzy to figure that out right now.

For him getting into the US on anything but a fiance/spouse visa seems like it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Maybe we can live together for a few months here and there, but without him and I both working at the same time while living together, I'm not sure that would really feel like "living together" for real. Especially since he'd have to rebuild a whole new life here and everything. It just seems like we can never have our lives in parallel and live together, you know?

It's the exact same situation for us, the only real way Im going to be able to move over to her and live with her is via marriage. I've just graduated (so a study year abroad isn't really doable, not to mention the American fees), job prospects are bad enough here let alone having a company in another country pay to employ me. Fortunately Im progressing with securing a job with a big multi-national who might let me transfer eventually, but it's really either that slim chance or some job here which ill get simply to save up. There are however work abroad schemes which would be great, they are competitive though. The big plus is that some can run for 18 months, which would give us more than enough opportunity to try living together out.

She's in college, so there's the potential for her to have a study year here, she's been thinking for her masters. But it means she's tied to there for at least 4 years. Though there's the chance of an extended visit in the summer, me getting enough time off work to do too much would be impossible. Providing I have a job by then of course (I say that not to jinx it lol), but either way I dont know how long I could commit for due to money issues.

Despite all of that, the fact is it comes down to patience. One theme that runs throughout every LDR here? They take time, it can take years to even meet let alone live with each other. Im a very patient person in the main, but I can understand anyone's frustrations with waiting in an LDR, because I get the same. I look at it this way; I imagine myself 10 years from now, I imagine me and my girl living with each other, re-finding some of our conversations from now and re-realising how frustrating the feeling of waiting to be together could get. But by then it'll only be something to laugh/smile about, because it will have been worth it. Maybe that's idealistic, I dont really know, but you've gotta think that this is what you want and that purely by the nature of an international LDR, sacrifices have to be made.

Fact is, a lot CD relationships result in marriages that people find out they weren't ready for. Even living together, it's tough to replicate married life. Living together for say 2 years, might not indicate exactly how living together for say the next 10 will go. Of course, you wanna experience a good amount of time with someone to see that you're ready to commit to that lifestyle, but I think it's a fallacy to say that 'test driving' living together as it were, will provide the perfect experience of living together full-time as a married couple. I think we'd all rather experience living together before marriage, but I guess one optimistic way to look at it is that you wont so much have to make the transition from living together to marriage, you'll both jump into it. Could be a good thing, could be a difficult thing, im not too sure.

I liked how you put that this realisation is 'calming', I feel the same. It gets really complicated trying to look into all the possible options we have to live together, looking at visas, work abroad schemes... looking at anything, it gets real confusing at times. So like you say, knowing that the marriage path is really the most feasible one by far, it helps to make me a bit more settled and plan towards that in the long-run, rather than have me sitting here thinking about loads of different things. Might be a scary thought in a way, but I know that if we get married and file the appropriate visa, then they should approve it, and we can be together full-time. Kinda calming to have that path already set out imo.

[lucybelle]

I think UK to Canada is much easier than UK to US, because Canada and the UK are both in the Commonwealth or something like that. Am I correct?

I think we're in a similar place as you. We're definitely not ready yet to close the distance with marriage, but I hope after a few more years of dating long distance, we will be. He'll hopefully be studying abroad here next year so that will definitely help. It'll still be long distance, but significantly-shorter-long distance

Yes- Canada/UK/Australia are all "easier". Anytime you throw the USA in shit gets difficult