The reality of international LDRs

[TwoThree]

I too am getting married without having lived with my SO first. It's a very difficult decision to make but one you have to make if there's no way around it. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I am (or rather, I like to tell myself that I am) prepared for the possibility that it might not work out, but then again, we might live together and then break up and go separate ways. Sure, divorce is slightly more traumatizing, time and money-consuming and, well, "official", but that's life for you.

[Honour]

I live in the UK and my other half lives in the US, and because I'm hoping to qualify and work in the states, I need to pass exams at state and national level before I can even start to work there. Then there's all the other things I'm going to need to work out, like where I'm going to live over there, when I'll go...lots of questions remain unanswered as of yet. But I'm only 19 and he's 17, so we still have a few years to go. It may seem impossible but we're determined to get it to work.

[EnglishMan]

I too am getting married without having lived with my SO first. It's a very difficult decision to make but one you have to make if there's no way around it. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I am (or rather, I like to tell myself that I am) prepared for the possibility that it might not work out, but then again, we might live together and then break up and go separate ways. Sure, divorce is slightly more traumatizing, time and money-consuming and, well, "official", but that's life for you.

I think that raises another point. It is a HUGE decision and Im not saying go hell for leather on everything, but if you feel a love so strong, its better to have tried it right? Whenever I think of the sacrifices I'd have to make, I then think how awful I'd feel if I never gave it a go. That said, best to have a backup plan too incase it doesn't work out.

[Phantomrose]

My SO and I decided to get married back in February, as it seemed like the easiest option for us to start really planning for a permanent move to live together, then again, we have been together for about five years now and have had quite a few talks about marriage. He is from the UK and I am from the US. I plan to move to the UK to spend time with him, but it even looks like a move from the US to UK will be a daunting task. At the moment, he is trying to find work (he recently got his degree) while I am tryin my best to save money from my own job and then planning visits in between. It is a bit helpful that I am going to be visiting him for a month in December.

I guess my advice would be to keep your head up, while trying to figure out what the both of you want. Maybe try doing the extended visit thing?

[Captivated]

This happened to us. After our first visit, we decided the only real way we could be together was to get married. I honestly never wanted to get married and was like you - would've been perfectly happy living together and just be. But we had to make a choice - and it was quite easy, in hindsight. He moved over to the US from the UK...we'd never lived with anyone before, always independent. But we make it work. It's hard and we argue much like any normal couple. But we beat the odds and I don't regret our decision one bit!

[pink elephant]

My SO and I have been together for almost five years now and we'll be closing the distance in November. He's from the UK and I'm from the US - for three out of the five years of our relationship, I was working abroad in another country while he finished up his undergrad degree in the UK. We've always wished we could go through the cute dating phase, maybe live together a little while and get to know each other more, but we knew there was no way we could have done that (unless I went to grad school in the UK, which I am not ready for at the moment because I'd like more work and volunteer experience!)

Our thoughts have been, "If we were able to be together, be extremely patient with one another, and stick ourselves out through all the things we have been through for as long as we have, surely this relationship is definitely worth fighting for and continuing. Because it's not just anyone who can do all those things. It's someone who is willing to do all that and more just to be with you."

And that's (one of the very many reasons) why we got married. Sure, with each period of time we spent apart (the longest for us being a full year, this very year) and then being reunited for visits, it felt like we were starting over in terms of getting to know each other by physical presence each and every time. But personally, we thought it took a special kind of patience and enthusiasm for the relationship to work, and that those qualities would work to handle all that. Our visits equate to probably a year and a half being spent together.. while online, we barely go a day without talking to each other on Skype or by phone.

Closing the distance through marriage won't be for everyone and however many visits and much time you want before making that sort of decision/commitment will be up to you, but for us, we wanted to start the adventure of our lives being together already! If we were able to make this work for so long - even with the frustration of his internet connection because he lives in a rural area, my lack of privacy because I moved back to my parents', dropped Skype calls, trying to manage time, keeping ourselves occupied while waiting to close the distance, whatever - again, for us it was definitely worth fighting all that just to be with the person on the other end of a computer or phone who was so patient to deal with all of that.

[MeganK]

Thats what worries me, Ive been with my SO for almost 3 years now,
I was lucky enough to spend 6 mnths with him in england bcus luckily he had enough money
that customs approvee me. I was worried about having to rush into marriage to be together
bcus we arent really getting the chance for that relationship phase.

Ive honestly never been more sure than i am now that i want to marry him. Of course
i still have my worries and concerns but so does he. I just had a friend whos from england
she finally just married her bf of 5 years and they are happily married living in england together.
If you try hard enough and want it bad enough, not seeing each other for awhile.

You can make it work. Good luck =]

[aomnomnom]

I'm with you on this. Lucky for me i managed to get a tourist visa and mine will last for 10 years but it doesnt mean that I'm willing to spend that much time chatting and traveling to him. I want to be there with him and he feels the same way. We haven't met in person yet, but i already booked my flight to see him in Feb of 2013! I'm so excited but also worried and i just have alot on my mind. At first we talked about marriage and i know it will work out but I really dont like the idea of rushing into marriage for immigration's sake. I'll be a college graduate and wont be able to work (legally) during my trip, which sucks since I dont have that much in savings and i dont want to bother him much (money wise). I'm excited and stressed out at the same time. =\

[Hollandia]

We have had this talk as well. We had it before we decided to start dating. We were best friends first. Holland requires financial proof of support from him to bring me over there and to at the very least "register" as my partner at his adddress. He said this is basically like marriage and we are not ready for that. He is in school part time and so does not make enough money in his job to qualify either. The only way around that is the Article 8, which means marriage. I spend every 3 months over there and next week I am jumping over to Ireland to meet up with him to get around the Schengen passport area. We love each other but we are both afraid of how difficult this makes our future. It is rolling around in my head that there should a cut off at some point where you " pooh or get off the pot". At what point do you decide this? I think if he asked me to marry him this winter I would say yes. I don't think that he is in that same spot, but he also does not wish to lose me. We live together at his place when I am there. I have even considered just staying until they catch me and kick me out, but then I would not be allowed back. I love the US but I love Holland too. I would move there permanently in a heartbeat if the country would just allow me to stay.