My boyfriend does not know how he feels right now. LDR is in jeopardy.

[Athena]

So, I do apologize for never posting on here. However, I never really had much to say. If any of you can read this and provide some sort of advice, it would be extremely appreciated.

To start off, my boyfriend and I met online in the Summer of 2009. I am from the US and he is from the UK. We talked almost everyday and in October 2009, he told me he had feelings for me. It was tough at first, since we are 3000+ miles apart. He came over twice in 2010 (in April we made things official), I went over once in 2011, and he came over once in 2012. It has been hard since we both were students. Now that it is 2013, he is in his last semester, and I just finished mine a few weeks ago.

Slightly off topic side story... my best friend and her boyfriend of 4-almost-5 years broke up 2 weeks ago. And she and I talked day before yesterday, and she was telling me how she plans to move on with her life. I ended up talking to my boyfriend last night, and I told him that it was scary. I mean, their whole future dreams are completely done. They're moving on separately and a lot of us thought they were the perfect couple and were going to be together.

I decided to ask my boyfriend what he saw in our future. And he told me that he didn't know. I was confused and I just asked him if he saw us together... maybe even married. And he told me that he did but now he didn't know. So then, I started to freak out a bit. He then started telling me that he is starting to feel like he did last January. Last January, we broke up for a bit because he was looking at how we could close the gap and he the reality that one of us will lose our home became very real. We ended up getting back together. He ended up talking his dad and explained how he felt. My boyfriend realized that he still does have some hope... and his dad expressed his support that if my boyfriend really did love me, we would somehow find a way.

Well, that whole thing is happening again. He was telling me that it is not fair, and that it is selfish of him, to keep this relationship going because we hardly see each other in person. He was saying that he did not know when we could get together and that he was losing hope for us. He explained to me that he has 2 sets of feelings for me and he is confused himself. He has the feelings for me that he has when we are apart... which is just hopeless right now... and then he remembers that feelings he had for me when we are together... which is happiness and hope. When we are apart, he loves me, but he is not in love... but when we are together... he is head over heals in love.

Now, I am confused for the both of us. We agreed on a long term break or a short term break up... depends how you see it. I really do not want to break up. I still have such high hopes for us. I told him that I was willing to go there. He does not feel like he could let me do that because I am so close to my family. He said he needs time and space. I told him that I understood, but I cannot wait forever.

I am so lost and hurt right now. I mean, we have been LD for almost 4 years... but it has been that long because we are students. Now that I am out of college and hope to get a job soon, I plan on visiting him more (on vacations).

Have anyone been in that situation? What about the whole 2 sets of feelings thing? Is it stupid and naive of me to really still wanting this to work?

[aniay]

Not really an experience from LDR but kinda.
I was in similar situation in my past mariage, My ex told me he's having two different sets of feelings for me, it was at time when he worked in ireland and I stayed in Poland. When he was moving there we were close to break up, when I got back there he was behaving like he was completely inlove with me.

I learned that it's a matter of if you want to be with another person, do you enjoy being with them, can you accept them as they are, good or bad, especialy bad.

From my experience relationship don't get better, the being in love wanes and slowy evaporates leaving doubts and wondering.

I'd say that if he's being doubtfull about his feelings right now he will also be doubtful in the future, things like that doesn't disapear.

I might be completely wrong and you might end up being happily together.

It's completely normal for you to want this to work out, just remember you deserve the best and someone who is completely devoted to you. That counts for any kind of relationship.

[Zephii]

Other than study (which you've finished and he's nearly finished) is there anything tying you both down? I don't mean missing your family and not wanting to leave because unfortunately that's a given if you're going to make this work, I mean contracts; responsibilities, caring for elderly relatives or kids from previous relationships? That kind of thing?

Because if the answer to that is no, then the distance could be as good as done. Really at that point all yous need to do is pull in the money to move and sort out your visa options. Visa wise its probably easier for you to go there, because being on this site has taught me that it's stupidly hard to get into the USA

Remember that any move doesn't have to be permanent, you can always go for a year and test run this relationship.

As for the two feelings thing, I totally get that. Emotions are water, they ebb and flow at the best of times. To me it makes complete sense that when you are apart so long he begins to doubt and question things. It's hard not to become dispirited when you're in different countries, and there's a sea (of paperwork too!) in between you.

So my advice would be to get your butt over there, and see how you go living together for a while. People do change their minds, and people can become stronger and more willing to put in the effort. I still maintain that if it had of been up to my SO to come meet me, to do the first international move (I went for a year and nine months) or any of that, the relationship wouldn't have gotten off the ground. But it only takes one person to believe. Dedication, courage and hope can all be infectious.

Good luck!

[Black_Halloween]

Whats stopping you from moving to where he is and getting a job?

[rubydissolution]

Whats stopping you from moving to where he is and getting a job?

I was about to ask the same thing. You are willing to move and you just graduated with a degree. You said you are now going to try to find work....well why not find work where he is and close the distance?

[Athena]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Right now there is nothing tying me down (other than student loans). The main issues, though, are at this very moment we are finished/finishing school and are pretty broke, haha. I explained to him though that once I get a job (either here or there), going there can will be easier. Which brings me to my next point. The two options I am working on are get a job here and save money to make a move (or at least visit) OR go there on a work. I have been working on that and he knows that. We both figured that when we both finished schooling, it would be definitely a lot easier to get a place together and live together... Close the distance and see how things take off from simply living/working close to each other. From what I thought and knew, we would close the distance soon, since I did finish... we spoke about that. The other thing he did say that he does feel like perhaps it could be because we haven't been with each other in person for so long.

[digitalfever]

To be honest, I wouldn't even consider moving to him if this is where his emotions are at. You say that you're broke well a broke person should not make a huge move and potentially lead them self into a situation where they could vulnerable financially. I'm a big supporter of moving if you have a plan, savings and an exit strategy if everything goes wrong.

[Kristin91]

This sort of thing happens a lot when people that have been together for a while break up... everyone that's friends with them starts to question their relationship and where it's going. I think you should sit back and see how he feels in a few weeks.