We love each other, but should he leave his girlfriend for an LDR with me?

[ThePiedPiper]

So I think I've decided what I'm going to do, and you can tell me whether or not you think it's a good idea. Tomorrow when we skype I will tell him he needs to make a decision. That I will not continue to have the same relationship I do with him right now if he continues in his relationship with his gf. I will tell him that i will give him some time to decide, but that it needs to be done. We have already talked (quite in depth) about what continuing our relationship would mean for him in the long term so he knows the costs. His choice is between a comfortable life that he has known, or risking it all for me. As you can see, he has a lot more at stake than I do. I will also bring up the whole cheating issue, but like I've said... it's different and honestly I'm not worried, I'm sorry that you guys probably can't understand that, if I was in your shoes I would probably be asking myself the same thing. But anyways, I will set those boundaries tomorrow. If he chooses me, I think that can only be seen as a testament to the genuineness of his love for me and our love for each other.

I agree with this.

[sam.martin]

I also haven't mentioned that he is very optimistic for a future for us together. It makes him happy to talk about even now, whereas he told me (waaaay before we were ever romantically involved) that he couldn't see a long term future with his current gf. Also I want to point out that even though we are in an "affair" there was absolutely no seducing of each other (on either side), that it all really happened quite naturally. Just a few things that make our relationship "different" I just hope to clarify myself because I understand your concerns and I don't want to sound defensive.

[sam.martin]

In not hurting him and avoiding the consequences, all I would be doing is protecting myself, which is what Alfred is doing, and if you two have discussed it to this point, he needs to grow up and learn how to break-up with someone, because it will inevitably happen in life. I feel like you are defending his actions, when what he is doing to her is wrong, no matter which way you paint it.

Thank you, your advice is really meaningful to me. He needs to make a choice one way or another and I will make sure that happens.

[ThePiedPiper]

I also haven't mentioned that he is very optimistic for a future for us together. It makes him happy to talk about even now, whereas he told me (waaaay before we were ever romantically involved) that he couldn't see a long term future with his current gf. Also I want to point out that even though we are in an "affair" there was absolutely no seducing of each other (on either side), that it all really happened quite naturally. Just a few things that make our relationship "different" I just hope to clarify myself because I understand your concerns and I don't want to sound defensive.

You don't sound defensive, but I imagine if something happened naturally with him with another woman while you two were together (officially), you would consider it an affair/him cheating on you. A lot of the time, emotional affairs and even physical affairs do not involve seduction, unless you're referencing Hollywood. A lot of the time, they do happen naturally and before the two people involved in them have a chance to think about it. It's why you hear so often about people feeling guilty, promising not to do it again, that they were drunk or they had a moment of weakness, etc., because it happens when it's less than expected and it happens without either two parties initiating it. However, like Tanja, I believe, said, it doesn't necessarily guarantee he would do it to you too, but again, we can only offer advice as a third party and as you yourself said, were you on the outside looking in, you might also question its sincerity.

I do hope that he can be trusted, however, and that this does work out for you two. We say these things because we want you to consider it from all angles and to keep others from being hurt as perhaps we ourselves have been, not to discourage you from love or from pursuing someone you're obviously very fond of. Let us know how tomorrow's talk goes?

[Black_Halloween]

Wait......he cheated on his girlfriend for months with you.....and you were okay with this? His poor girlfriend :/

[kteire]

I don't think being friends will help you all that much in the long run. If he were a good friend, he would have enough respect for you to be single before getting involved. Like you might love him, but the way in which he chose to start things with you is terrible. If his relationship with her was so bad, he should have ended it... and I don't see why he wouldn't cheat on you if you hit a rough patch. I think you seriously need to consider what everyone's said about the possibility that he might cheat on you. You can love someone and still cheat on them. My sister's now ex boyfriend basically did the exact same thing to her (in a LDR), told this other girl that he never loved my sister (and he did for years) and things 'just naturally happened' and he strung both of them along for ages. He was with the other girl for about 6 months after they broke up, when he and this new girl became LD, and he found someone else.

I have gone out with good friends in the past, and have found that everything changes when you start to date. I found it's harder to be upfront and honest with someone when you want out, because you genuinely want to keep that person in your life. You lose an SO and a friend in those kinds of breakups.

This is all sounding quite brutal, but I can't help but worry in this situation. I really hope I'm wrong about everything, but please just be careful.

[loneliestgirl]

It's different in the fact that we stared out as friends, whereas they started out romatically before being friends for a while. If things ended with us they would end amicably and he wouldn't feel bad for telling me, nor would I h old a grudge against him. I realize that things often just don't work out the way you want them too. With her, it would (and probably will) not be pretty. Plus we are different people. Different peopl = different relationship.

I started out great friends with my ex. We were best friends for 2 years before becoming romantically involved and were were together for several years. I found out he cheated on me and had been carrying on a LD relationship with another girl for more than half of our romantic relationship. He told her about me at first and she didn't really care or see that it was a big deal. After a while, her that he no longer spoke to me and had removed me from his life. Obviously, that wasn't true as were talking about our future and what not. I had been head over heals for him and it completely devastated me. I lost a best friend and a partner at the same time. We never spoke again. I haven't reached out to him and he sure didn't dare come near me. It took so long for me heal and feel okay again. It felt like my trust was broken towards everyone: friend, SO's, strangers, etc.

My point is, starting out as friends does not guarantee that your other person will take care of your heart and be honest with you and do right by you. It also doesn't ensure that you will be friends afterwards if he decided another girl was more interesting to him than you and he dabbled with her to make sure there was something there before cutting ties with you.

You deserve a relationship with a man who only has eyes for you and is in the relationship 100% with you, not splitting his time between you and his current girlfriend. And definitely not taking this much time to choose which girl he wants on his arm. I am not saying he is a bad guy in general. People sometime make crappy choices when they are young and get themselves and others into unhealthy and hurtful situations. You learn and grow from it and hopefully become a stronger person that is able to do the right things by other people. It doesn't mean that you have to be the one to help him learn this lesson and bear the emotional toll on your shoulders.

[ThePiedPiper]

I started out great friends with my ex. We were best friends for 2 years before becoming romantically involved and were were together for several years. I found out he cheated on me and had been carrying on a LD relationship with another girl for more than half of our romantic relationship. He told her about me at first and she didn't really care or see that it was a big deal. After a while, her that he no longer spoke to me and had removed me from his life. Obviously, that wasn't true as were talking about our future and what not. I had been head over heals for him and it completely devastated me. I lost a best friend and a partner at the same time. We never spoke again. I haven't reached out to him and he sure didn't dare come near me. It took so long for me heal and feel okay again. It felt like my trust was broken towards everyone: friend, SO's, strangers, etc.

My point is, starting out as friends does not guarantee that your other person will take care of your heart and be honest with you and do right by you. It also doesn't ensure that you will be friends afterwards if he decided another girl was more interesting to him than you and he dabbled with her to make sure there was something there before cutting ties with you.

You deserve a relationship with a man who only has eyes for you and is in the relationship 100% with you, not splitting his time between you and his current girlfriend. And definitely not taking this much time to choose which girl he wants on his arm. I am not saying he is a bad guy in general. People sometime make crappy choices when they are young and get themselves and others into unhealthy and hurtful situations. You learn and grow from it and hopefully become a stronger person that is able to do the right things by other people. It doesn't mean that you have to be the one to help him learn this lesson and bear the emotional toll on your shoulders.

*clap*

[rubydissolution]

I'd have to say he wouldn't just because I know he would tell me if his romantic feelings for me have faded enough and we can allow ourselves just to be friends again. We were friends in the beginning and we will come out friends in the end.

In response to this...Back when I was 19 I dated my best guy friend in the world. We had been friends for about 2 years, I was best friends with his sister and we worked together. We dated for about 5 years. Sadly I was the one who strayed, I would spend hours online talking to everyone. Yes there was a guy involved but it never went anywhere and as far as I know my ex never found out about it. Though I'm sure he suspected.

Before we started dating, we had made a promise to each other that no matter what happened in our relationship we would be friends afterwards. Needless to say that didn't happen. In fact we broke contact completely. This was his choice not mine and one I have to live with. I sent him a message on facebook a few months ago (we've been broken up for about 8 years now) just to apologize and make peace with the situation. His response to me was he forgave me a long time ago but we could never be friends again. I would like to say this hurt but in all honesty this is what I expected from him. His sister who i'm still friends with was more offended by his reply then I was...

Being friends with someone before you date doesn't really count for anything. Some people do resume their friendship, my best guy friend now, we dated twice and it didn't work out and we are still friends. But that didn't come easy...Just don't count on the friendship being saved, or that the friendship will prevent him from being a jerk. It doesn't always work out like that. I urge you to proceed with caution.

[sam.martin]

Alright, so I talked to him and during that discussion he made his choice. He said he wants the possibility of a future with me over an immediate relationship with her. He says he doesnt love her anymore and will break up with her in the coming days. Valentines day though is pretty terrible timing. He is willing to make a 15 month long journey with me and only me until we can be together again.

I also asked him about the cheating issue. His response was that when he met me he knew I was the best person he could ever meet. That I was better for him than his current gf and that the only reason he did what he did with me was because it was me. He told me he could never imagine finding someone he wanted more but we made the promise that if it were to happen we would have enough respect for eachother to be upfront about it. I would like to add that he was telling me tbat he thought I was the best person he had ever met and that he admires me more than anyone long before we were romantically involved.

The rest of the discussion then turned to her. I feel so greatly her pain, and he is worried that she will hurt herself, as she has in the past. Since he has returned she has not been eating because he has been so distant and not been happy like she expected. He had already told her his feelings for her were not there anymore and he has not told her he loves her. We are both worried what the final blow will do to her.

But in conclusion he has chosen to give everything up for me. To sacrifice everything he knows and what he is used to to be with me. To wait it out and manage the distance because he loves me and because I love him. I know many of you must be skeptical, but I have it in my heart that a beautiful thing can come out of an awful situation. Your success stories of overcoming even greater odds than the ones we face bring me immense hope for the journey we are about to begin.

[Moon]

Well, good luck. Just keep in mind that actions speak louder than words, anyone can speak those things to you and say what you want to hear, pay careful attention to his actions during your relationship.