I really need some help :) Facing LDR

[vanessavu]

Hi everybody,

My name is Vanessa and I'm a newbie to this forum. Hope I could receive some help from you guys. I would really appreciate it

So here is my story:
Me and my boyfriend first met 2 year ago in our environmental class. I was almost 18 and he was 26. It was not love at first sight but we grew interest about the other and by the end of the class, we started to date It is needed to mention that he is a New Zealand-born and I'm a Vietnamese-born, so it is cross culture love as well. We have been through a lot of things together and after nearly 2 years of officially-in-a-relationship, I'm confident to say that we are both in a really good status.
And then the nightmare of college relationship steps in, he obviously started way before me and he's going to graduate in about a month. I was a bit worried cause we might have to face long distance relationship problem if he got a job elsewhere, not in the city I happen to have to stick with for another year to finish my study. However, the problem quickly escalated as he applied for a job in Japan and got it. JAPAN!!! Oh golly, he told me that even though he loves me a lot he will accept that job offer because it's good for his career path. But how about me? Stuck here, in New Zealand, 9000 miles apart, 4 hours different and 2 grands worth of flight away?
I have never been in LDR and I honestly have no hope in it. I don not believe in it, really, how can two make their relationship work while even the littlest thing, which is PHYSICALLY seeing each other is not available? So I tried to break up with him today, it was so painful, we cried our eye balls out... I could not stand his tears as I have never seen any grown men cry in front of my before, it broke my heart...
So I decided that we are going to try this new strange and knowingly very difficult LDR.

But still, I'm so sad, and confused and broken hearted at the moment...
In a month, I will not be able to hold him in my arms, hear him whisper my name or simply just kiss him on the lips. He said, he will only sign for a year contract and he promise he will be back for me. Then again, a lot of things can change in a year. He chose his career over me once, how could I be sure that he's not gonna do it again? Renew his contract and stay in Japan forever?

I really need some advice...

Thank you all in advance,
Vanessa

[Dezface]

Well we can all testify that long distance relationships *can* work. BUT you have to be willing to put in the effort and from your post I'm getting that maybe you're not. And that's not necessarily a fault or an insult, it's just maybe not for you.

You really can't know for sure that he won't choose to stay in Japan. And if this turns out to be a really good career move for him, would you really want him to leave and possibly resent you for it later? I think you need to think about this and examine how you really feel. You can always try it and see where it goes but if you come to realize you truly have no hope of it working, then don't string him along and just end it.

[Alsfia]

First, as repeated so many times on this site, a LDR is not more likely to fail than a CDR. Second, I get why it's scary and everything since you don't have any kind of experience of LDRs according to your thread. It's true, not all people can handle a LDR and that's perfectly fine. Still, you can't know into which category you fall before you've tried, or if you end up in either.
I'd say you should check out the things for LDR couples to do, figure out what a LDR really is about and talk it through thoroughly with your SO, all fears and hurdles you experience. And from your post I see that - for now - you're only facing a year of LDR... It's true, you can't know for sure if he'll stay longer, but atleast you have preliminary plan to close the distance.
As for him choosing his career over you... The way I see it, he might as well be choosing his career path FOR you. If you guys really are serious, and you seem to be, you will have a lot easier life together if atleast one of you has a stable and decent career.

[vanessavu]

Thank you Dezface and Alsfia for your advices. I really really appreciated it
I have made up my mind that we are going to try to work on LDR and promise ourselves that we're really going to try hard to make it work
I also did some research about LDR and will discuss about it with my boyfriend tomorrow
Finger crossed that this will all turn out ok in the end...

However right now, I can't stop my tears

[Alsfia]

Chin up, you'll find a lot on support on here

[vanessavu]

Thank you Alsfia

[Caity]

The things we should appreciate most in life are the things we work the hardest for. LDRs are hard, but in the end it's worth it It may make your relationship stronger, and you could even get to know him better, because without the physical side you have to communicate more. And at the moment you know it's only for a limited time, so you have something to count down towards too, it's not going to be forever LFAD is a really good place for advice and support too, so you can always find help on here as well when you're feeling down or having trouble.

[cambells19]

Things can work out for you, you just have to have trust in each other and put in a great deal of work to make it successful. I met my gf online with no intentions of dating her, and then slowly I began to have feelings for her, and now we are in a relationship that looks like things could last a really long time. A LDR isn't easy for sure because you barely get to be with each other in person. I have only been with my gf for 7 days in over a year but we find ways to make things interesting, and we always find time to talk to each other even if it's for 30 minutes. For my relationship, what I found to work the best is to try and be 100% honest with your partner even if you don't really want to be that honest deep down. For my gf and I, being this honest has gotten rid of any fears of one of us cheating on each other. She could tell me she is going to hang out with her friends and I tell her to just send me a message when she gets home so I know she's ok and for her to have fun. You have to let your partner live their life even if it's difficult, and if you can do this, it will help bring you closer together knowing that you can get through it. When I first met the girl that became my gf, she was really closed minded when talking about certain things, but because of how honest we have been and how well we communicate, we talk about pretty much anything, and it makes things much easier on us.

Hope everything works out with you two!