My husband & I dated for a little over 3 years before we got married. He asked me to marry him really early in our relationship & then a few times after that but I knew we weren't really so I didn't agree until I knew we were. We've been married for 2 years now so in total we've been together for 5 years. The first 3 years of dating we lived in the same country & we had the occasional ups and down that most couples have but nothing to serious that we couldn't work out, we obviously grew & moved past them. We now live in different countries, we're apply for a new Visa for me so in the mean time I'm in the Caribbean & he's in the U.S. We've been in a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 years now where we sometimes don't see each other for 4-6 month periods. Lately he hasn't been responding to my emails, text msgs or calls... When I do call (which isn't often) he usually doesn't pick up but sends me a text msg saying he's with either a cousin or a friend. When I send my email he'll read it & doesn't respond until the next day or many many hours later.. If I send him cute photos he opens them & never mentions anything about the cute photo (normally he use so say "awww babe that's so cute").. He always says he'll call but he never does... he gets out of work at around 3pm & he usually doesn't contact me until late at night , which he then says "I'm tired" or "I'm not a phone person" or he'll just send me a text saying good nite.. We never talk on webcam... We usually just send very short msg saying good morning & good night that's how it's been for the last few months.. I understand he's busy at work so I never contact him while he's at work it's usually after.. I'm a very secure person so I never restrict him from doing anything or going anywhere.. I'm not working at the moment because I've been getting all the paper work together, My parents support me a lot financially/spiritually/emotionally in every way possible, because I guess there trying to make things easier on us because of our situation.. I feel like he takes me for granted because he knows I'm very faithful & he can trust me completely 100%, I know for sure he has no doubt in his mind that I would ever be unfaithful & do anything to purposely hurt him... I feel like he should make some time at least once every few days to be involved in each others lives knowing that we live so far apart.. He makes time to hang out with friends or family.. which I encourage.. But I don't understand why he wouldn't make time for us.. If I mention anything about ending our marriage he gets angry & doesn't want to at all. When we do talk he talks about over future together, & us growing old together & things you want your husband to say, but that's the thing his actions are sooo different from what he says... He keeps saying "when you get back everything would be ok again" I'm probably not going to be back for another year & I feel like I cant take another year of this.. I've spoke to him about it many times & nothing seems to be any different.. I do not play games or feel like I need to play games in our marriage, I'm not gonna belittle myself & do something that's unproductive to keep my marriage.. I do however would love some kind of advice if anyone knows why he may be acting he way he does & what I can do to make the situation better.. Thank you so much in advance for any help..!![/CENTER]
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Firstly welcome to LFAD
I apologise for any spelling errors, I have a brain issue that means sometimes my eyes won't focus and it's doing that today!
As for advice, it seems that you have tried talking with him about it, and have gotten no response or he shuts down the conversation. It doesn't sound to me like you're being unreasonable with wanting to have contact and such. Can I ask why you are no longer short distance? Are you having regular visits at all? It could be just that he doesn't like being on the phone, but as you say, there are other ways for him to be connected with you. Does he initiate contact at all? Or is it all down to you? If that's the case, and it is only you initiating contact, that's not a good way to have a relationship. It's all about give and take and it seems to be that he's doing neither right now. He could be acting the way he is because he's frustrated about the distance, why will it be another year before you're together? If you don't have a visit planned maybe it would help to arrange one? A chance to be together, and once you are, you can both sit down and really talk about it all.
I hope that is of some help...and I'm sure other people will be able to give you better advice as well...Joey & Scott
Met: April 2002
Lost Contact: August 2002
Reconnected: April 2010
Together: May 20th 2010
[COLOR="#800080"]"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin
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We both came to the Caribbean where I was born because my Visa expired, I am in the process of apply for another Visa but it's a long very expensive process... It's probably going to be another year before I get an approved Visa that's why... I'm not always the one that initiate contact.. he texts me every morning & says good morning also he texts me at night & says good night but I feel like were growing apart because a marriage should be more than just a friendly causal good morning & good night..!!! Like for example he'll tell me he'll call me after work & he never does & the next day he'll just say "good morning" & not even bring up the fact that he had me waiting all afternoon or all night for his call... Sunday night I sent him a msg saying "I have something exciting to tell you", I saw that he read my msg but he didn't reply, the next day he lied & told me he didn't receive my msg until that morning & he'll call me Monday after work.. so Monday he text me at 5pm & said he'll call in a few mins... it was 9pm & he didn't call so I went to bed.. He called at 9:34pm but I was asleep.. he didn't call on Tuesday & this morning he sent me a text and say " I'll call you in a few minutes to say good morning" but he never did call me, then he sent me a text msgs not even bringing up the fact that he didn't call.. My issue is - Don't tell me you'll call & have me wait for your call, instead of waiting for your call I could be doing something else..Last edited by Sarah Lee; May 1, 2013, 11:18 AM.Comment
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I would be really concerned too and I think I would push for a serious long talk with him. He cannot possibly be working 7 days a week for 24 hours a day. I would ask to schedule a serious amount of time to set aside for talking to his wife over some very serious concerns that you have. I would let him know that marriage takes compromises and you don't feel that he is holding up his end of the deal. If his is the type that needs to have things always planned out in advance to find the time, then make a schedule for your "date times". Perhaps it is as simple as making him understand how much this means to you, if not there is a serious problem.
It sounds like he is almost playing some head games with you if he says if will call and then does not repeatedly. I would stop making myself so available to him when he does this. Tell him if you tell me 8:00pm then I expect a call by 8:15pm, unless their is a legitimate reason why, or I won't be available either, and then do not be. Do not sit around by the phone for him and make sure he knows you are not. Get busier with new projects or hobbies and make more new friends and let him know you are doing so. Join a book club, pool league, or take a cooking class. Volunteer at a pet shelter or home for the elderly, just get away from the phone and waiting for him all the time while you wait on your Visa. It is liable that if you don't answer his calls a few times, he will start calling more often.
It is really sad to think of mind games when you are already married but it sounds like he is content for his wife to be other there and him in the USA living his life and he does not seem to mind it a bit. My SO, and I am sure most of the others, makes time for me every chance he gets. He works and goes to school and he is also very close to his family and friends. My SO includes me in his days as much as he can because he wants me in it all the time. Your husband should want you in his days too. You have my virtual support.
"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
Benjamin Franklin
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Thank you JoeyBug and Hollandia I appreciate your advice... The country I live in isn't very safe so he knows I don't go out much unless it's with my family... Also my family are very very protective of me 7 he knows that also, so never has anything to worry about... I do have a lot of hobbies.. I paint oil/ acyclic on canvas, I make jewelry, I wood burn, I sew, I knit basically I love crafty things so I'm very wrapped up in my craft making... however he knows I'm home doing all these things.. I'm not clingy in the least bit, so I don't contact him a lot which is why it bothers me that he doesn't make more of an effect to be involved in each others lives... I feel like may be he's too secure (but why should that be a bad thing?) Thank you for your support.. I need all the suppose I can get right now...
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It seems like he is quite wrapped up in his life and not used to making time in it for you anymore.
My SO and I have had communication issues and we have now fixed phone/Skype dates we keep unless it's really not doable but we choose times it is. Before I'd also spend hours waiting for him to call or he'd text he would soon and then he wouldn't because something came up at work or whatever. So much frustration and waiting on my part and I don't have that anymore and it's awesome! It takes a certain amount of compromise from both sides to meet these dates but if you really love and care for each other, it shouldn't be a problem. You should really sit down with him and try to work something out before things spiral even more out of control. I hope it works out for you!Comment
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I have sat him down many times & had serious conversations with him... everything I say his responses is always " I don't know", "I'm sorry", "It wouldn't happen again", "things would be different in the future".... He's a NYC teacher so he gets summers off... we've talked about him coming this summer for 2 months, but lately he doesn't seem like he's gonna come this summer... We've had such little contact that the only way I find out what the lawyer tells him is if I ask her myself... He never updates me on what the lawyer says or how the paper work is going or if he's doing his part to get everything done... He doesn't involve me in his life.. it's like he's moved on there without me but still somehow wants me here as well.... He always says "I'm here for you babe" or "I wanna be here for you " but he isn't here.. If I ever ask why something is happening or why he's doing a certain thing he just simply doesn't answer or says " I don't know" .Comment
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Okay, that sounds much worse than the first post. I am so very sorry to hear that but he does not sound like he is there for you or he has any interest in doing so. It is possible that he met someone else and is waiting to see how it turns out before he breaks the news to you. Am I right in assuming you are not allowed back in USA right now? If that was my husband I would put my foot down and demand he come and see me. You want to be with me or not? You can not contact your own attorney? Why not? You have internet and can contact the attorney through email. The attorney cannot refuse you status updates if YOU are the applicant. Do you even know that he actually has an attorney, do you know the name of the attorney? Ask him for the contact info for the attorney and email them yourself. You have to take charge of your own life and not just wait for a man that is clearly not as involved as he should be. I have said this before but the book... He is Just not that into you...really does speak much of the truth. A ring on your finger does not mean he is, he either is or he is not.Originally posted by Sarah Lee View Post
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That.../dp/141690977X
They made a movie too, if you read and/or watch it, perhaps this will help you make the next very important decisions you need to make. I had an ex like this once. I decided to stick it out. I found out eventually he had met someone else and he did leave me for her. It was a hard lesson learned for me, but that was CD. I really hope I am wrong, but something is definitely up with him.
*Hugz*"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
Benjamin Franklin
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No , no I have an attorney, I speak to her very often... I recently got a letter via email from The National Visa Center requesting some additional information that was needed to move forward with our case... I will have my Visa interview very soon, may be this summer... The problem isn't that he's not doing what he's suppose to be doing in regards to the paper work.. he is doing it... it's just that the only way I find out what progress he's done is through the Attorney.. I feel like I should hear it from him because he's my husband...Comment
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Ah, okay, I misunderstood. That is good to hear that you have direct contact at least.Originally posted by Sarah Lee View Post"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
Benjamin Franklin
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He actually called last night & we spoke for a few hours.. he initially called to get some information for the Visa processing paperwork.. We got into talking & I told him how I felt about our situation & we both came up with ideas on how things could be better... All I can do is wait & see if things would in fact get better & he's genuine..
He mentioned coming this summer for the 2 months & I just said "we'll see what happens" bc I don't wanna put up my hopes for something that may not happen... He also texted me this morning about how his morning went & on his lunch break as well, which is positive so far..Comment
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If you tell him "We'll see what happens" you are risking the chance of sending the impression you don't want him to come or don't mind if he does not and you might be kinda sending some mixed signals.Originally posted by Sarah Lee View Post
It is great to hear that things are working towards a positive motion for the two of you."Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
Benjamin Franklin
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Even though things are good with us I have this nagging feeling like may be he has meet someone else.. ( in the 5 years we've been together I've never felt this before) The way he's been acting lately like really distant.. I guess part of me doesn't really mind if he doesn't come this summer.. Because of everything that's happened & has been happening I myself have started pulling away & creating distance.. This is a cycle, when ever we have problems, we talk, things get better for a little while & then it's back to being the same way... I guess I'm so over it that I feel like I've done pretty much everything I can do, it's up to him to do things now... Is it bad that I feel this way?
Also Our wedding anniversary was April & he totally forgot & didn't even do anything to make up for the fact that he forgot
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i completely understand ur situation... and i also know it is a very hard time for u... u may be in constant fear whether things will work out or not and whether things are ever going to be normal... i was going through the same situation... and i wud advice u to talk to him clearly about ur issues.. cuz if ull keep ur problems within u it'll only create more issues in ur mind.. so the best way to fight this situation is to TALK... im sure he must be having some answers for u... be clear about wht u say to him bt at the same time let him know that his behaviour is hurting u... im 100% sure he'll understand...
even i talked to my SO about the same thing and he clearly told me his schedule and has promised me to give me time... and since that day ive seen many changes in him...
so take my advice and talk to him.. either skype date or call him... but seriously if u want ur problems to come to an end then take a bold step of questioning him...
i hope my advice will help u solve ur problems... and dear remember we all are praying for u... and God is going to make things right... So dnt worry...
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I think you have been doing everything that is expected from you, and no one can really give you advice at being a better wife.. When you were living together, was it like that too? I mean, was he making time for you two, was he being affectionate etc..
A relationship needs loads of communication, a long distance one - a ton more.. I can't imagine not seeing/speaking to my SO every day, because of his schedule we can only speak one hour a day on skype and it is pure torture compared to what we are used to/ what we need ... I think you should really set a serious discussion and ask him, what his goals, purposes are, what the hell he is doing now. Would he like to be treated the same way/ would he feel good in your place. I can't imagine you being at home, and him finishing work at 3 pm, and not having time to communicate in the 21st century ... Even if he has work at home to do (since you said he is a teacher) you could still talk on skype while he is doing it or at least have it open in a videocall even if you can't speak. When I had my exams and didn't have time to speak we would just have videocall open so even though without speaking we were still in touch ..
After all, in a relationship the expected is, that both sides care for and love eachother, and NEED that contact. You obviously do, he though...? He can't answer always with "I don't know", there really isn't an excuse to such a behavior that is ongoing for months ... I don't want to be so negative but it sounds like something else is consuming his attention ... Talk to him .. DEMAND answers, and set an ultimatum if you feel like it is needed. You sound like a really nice person, you put amazing effort in it and it is just not fair to you, it is not worth it losing your life after someone who doesn't care. Assuming we all have one life here, we might as well live it the best way possible right? Not spending nights in tears waiting for someone to call ... Think what is best for you, but I think you deserve far more than what he is offering at the moment. Maybe someone out there is waiting to give you what you need, and you are just looking for it in the wrong place.. Good luck, everything will work out in the end !!!
Last edited by libelle; May 6, 2013, 11:23 AM.Comment
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