I really need some advice

[Sarah Lee]

I honestly at this point don't even feel like talking to him, but part of me wants to know exactly what happened this weekend.. We didn't get to talk a lot this weekend bc we were both very busy..

I feel like his brother's fiancee & her best friend (my husbands ex girl friend) planed this whole thing, so that my husband and his ex girl friend would have no choice but to be in the same house together... I sent his brother's fiancee a very nice message & told her thank you for inviting him & how much this means to him to be with his niece & she read the message but never replied... They know I'm not around so his ex gf & his brothers fiancee are trying to use this situation to work her way back into his life.. His brothers fiancee uses his niece as a way for her best friend to see my husband... She never lets my husband see his niece unless her best friend is going to be there...
His brother fiancee asked him how he was getting home & told him he should get a ride with his ex...

How can I tell him you cant see your niece bc your ex girlfriend is there..?? Should I not talk to him for a while?? Should I not let him come this summer?? How can I convince him??

I don't know what to do... Any advice that anyone can give me would be great...

[Hollandia]

I honestly at this point don't even feel like talking to him, but part of me wants to know exactly what happened this weekend.. We didn't get to talk a lot this weekend bc we were both very busy..

I feel like his brother's fiancee & her best friend (my husbands ex girl friend) planed this whole thing, so that my husband and his ex girl friend would have no choice but to be in the same house together... I sent his brother's fiancee a very nice message & told her thank you for inviting him & how much this means to him to be with his niece & she read the message but never replied... They know I'm not around so his ex gf & his brothers fiancee are trying to use this situation to work her way back into his life.. His brothers fiancee uses his niece as a way for her best friend to see my husband... She never lets my husband see his niece unless her best friend is going to be there...
His brother fiancee asked him how he was getting home & told him he should get a ride with his ex...

How can I tell him you cant see your niece bc your ex girlfriend is there..?? Should I not talk to him for a while?? Should I not let him come this summer?? How can I convince him??

I don't know what to do... Any advice that anyone can give me would be great...

It is his niece not his his kid. How often is he there? He can take a damn cab and deal with some extra hassle to protect his marriage. He needs to stand up to his brother too, if he wants too. He needs to tell him and his fiancee you are his wife and she is his past and stop putting me in this situation, it is not going to work. He needs to tell his ex it will never happen and to back off and move on to someone else. In other words they see a open door and he needs to close it shut and slam it if they need that to get the point across. If he won't slam the door, then you have to decide what his reasons are and if you are willing to tolerate them.

[Moon]

Something odd happened...

I mentioned that the whole reason for his ex being invited was for his nieces christening..
He told me she didn't come to the church for the christening, she just showed up at his brothers house after the christening & stayed for over 3 hours.. He said he waived hello & walked into another room, he tried to be in different rooms from her but she kept somehow ending up in the same room as him... He also said she seemed like she wanted to talk to him but he kept his distance & didn't pay any attention to her so eventually she left... I'm not comfortable with that at all... she needs to respect the fact that he's married & more on..!!!

Sweetie, I've stayed out of this thread because you won't like what I have to say, but I feel I need to interject something here. The part of your quote I bolded above...you're placing blame in the wrong place. SHE doesn't have to respect anything, HE does. That's the problem, he has no respect for his marriage or his wife, the ex doesn't have to care at all, it's not her problem.

I'll just say that if you don't stand up for yourself and make some demands, I'm really sorry, but this marriage doesn't have much hope. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

Sweetie, I've stayed out of this thread because you won't like what I have to say, but I feel I need to interject something here. The part of your quote I bolded above...you're placing blame in the wrong place. SHE doesn't have to respect anything, HE does. That's the problem, he has no respect for his marriage or his wife, the ex doesn't have to care at all, it's not her problem.

I'll just say that if you don't stand up for yourself and make some demands, I'm really sorry, but this marriage doesn't have much hope. Good luck.

I agree. One hundred percent.

[ThePiedPiper]

Sweetie, I've stayed out of this thread because you won't like what I have to say, but I feel I need to interject something here. The part of your quote I bolded above...you're placing blame in the wrong place. SHE doesn't have to respect anything, HE does. That's the problem, he has no respect for his marriage or his wife, the ex doesn't have to care at all, it's not her problem.

I'll just say that if you don't stand up for yourself and make some demands, I'm really sorry, but this marriage doesn't have much hope. Good luck.

Moon has a point, on both counts.

Your SO has an absolute say in whether she does or does not respect your marriage. While what she's doing (pursuing a married man) is wrong, what she's doing also should not matter and anything that happens falls on him more than it does her. She is not casting some bitch spell on him. She is not charming or schmoozing him into doing what she wants. He is making the conscious decision to interact or not interact with her when the opportunity arises and he needs to be held accountable for it. It seems childish to me to continue running away from her and ignoring her as opposed to confronting her, but I understand a lot of people don't like confrontation. I don't either, but that doesn't mean I haven't confronted people when necessary for the sake of my relationship. At this point I see him contributing more to this problem than her, especially seeing as she has relationships with his other family. That's not her problem, and that's not his problem, but it's the situation, and you're all going to have to learn to live amicably with her as a result of it. You need to stop being so insecure, and your husband needs to show you he's someone you can rely on so that you don't need to feel insecure. He needs to be the one to put a stop to anything inappropriate. You don't need to manage that by doing your best to keep him from seeing her...

Secondly, you need to talk to him about everything you're bringing to us on this thread. You need to stop relying on the fact that he gets pissy when you bring up the idea of a divorce and you need to say that you've tried but you aren't sure what to do. You need him to help you fix what's been going on in your relationship because you can't handle another year of this. Be honest. Be blunt if that's what it comes down to. Don't blame him for anything but also don't tip toe around him because his feelings get hurt when he's called out on his behaviour. Sometimes you have to stop coddling someone and be more upfront with them about it. Sometimes it takes showing them you're at the end of the rope for them to believe it, because eventually you get to a point where providing anymore understanding comes with a decent helping of resentment. Whether or not your marriage survives this is going to depend a lot on whether or not he's willing to meet your very reasonable demands, but it's not going to get anywhere if you don't communicate honestly with him, and at this point... Well, you really have nothing to lose.

[Sarah Lee]

I apologize in advance this may be kinda long... I do agree that it isn't all her fault.. they are both involved & I told him he needs to make a stand or nothing will change..

When we started dating (over 5 years ago) she would contact him a lot (he was ignoring her & I didn't like that) as a woman I just figured she needed closure & I didn't want her to be hurt, so I told him to see her & talk to make the break up process easier on her.. I didn't mind at all if they were friends... I had no problem with & it never ever bothered me...

6 months into dating, we both decided we wanted to just be friends... we didn't think we would ever get back together, (we were broken up for 3 months) Him & his ex slept together while we were broken up for those 3 months... He didn't tell me about them sleeping together, about 1 years & 1/2 after that incident she sent me a photo of them kissing but it was a really old photo of them in high school... (which obviously hurt me a lot)

I confronted him, & asked if anything happened with her while we were broken up... I said "We were broken up & I promise I'll forgive you for whatever happened I just need to know the trust, bc isn't fair to me" He admitted that they slept together & he kept it from me bc he didn't want to lose me, over something that meant nothing... I wasn't hurt that they slept with each other bc we both didn't think we would ever be together, I was more hurt that he kept it from me..
At that point I told my husband seriously, I didn't have a problem with you talking to her before but now I do, & I would really like it if you broke all tie with her...
It then made sense to me why he didn't see his niece & his brother at all after we got back together.. ( I guess he didn't want to be around her ) eventually our relationship moved past that & we grew together, which is why I feel like he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we have..

She saw him last year at his brother's engagement party & now she's popping up everywhere... I believe him when he says he keeps his distant as much as he could from her.. I do trust my husband a lot bc other than that incident he's never given me a reason to not trust him... I'm usually a very secure person, but I do admit when it comes to her I feel a bit insecure... they have so much history... I'm afraid that the comfort of being all 4 of them again might seem easier that going through this long process with me... (I haven't seen him in 4 months & it's gonna be another 2 months until I see him)

The Visa process is hard, long & very expensive... Being in a long distant marriage isn't at all easy, I know we both have to be strong & know once were together things would go back to being normal again... I trust my husband but at the same time I don't want to be one of those women who blindly trust there partners to the point where they don't see what's really happening..

[Hollandia]

I apologize in advance this may be kinda long... I do agree that it isn't all her fault.. they are both involved & I told him he needs to make a stand or nothing will change..

When we started dating (over 5 years ago) she would contact him a lot (he was ignoring her & I didn't like that) as a woman I just figured she needed closure & I didn't want her to be hurt, so I told him to see her & talk to make the break up process easier on her.. I didn't mind at all if they were friends... I had no problem with & it never ever bothered me...

6 months into dating, we both decided we wanted to just be friends... we didn't think we would ever get back together, (we were broken up for 3 months) Him & his ex slept together while we were broken up for those 3 months... He didn't tell me about them sleeping together, about 1 years & 1/2 after that incident she sent me a photo of them kissing but it was a really old photo of them in high school... (which obviously hurt me a lot)

I confronted him, & asked if anything happened with her while we were broken up... I said "We were broken up & I promise I'll forgive you for whatever happened I just need to know the trust, bc isn't fair to me" He admitted that they slept together & he kept it from me bc he didn't want to lose me, over something that meant nothing... I wasn't hurt that they slept with each other bc we both didn't think we would ever be together, I was more hurt that he kept it from me..
At that point I told my husband seriously, I didn't have a problem with you talking to her before but now I do, & I would really like it if you broke all tie with her...
It then made sense to me why he didn't see his niece & his brother at all after we got back together.. ( I guess he didn't want to be around her ) eventually our relationship moved past that & we grew together, which is why I feel like he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we have..

She saw him last year at his brother's engagement party & now she's popping up everywhere... I believe him when he says he keeps his distant as much as he could from her.. I do trust my husband a lot bc other than that incident he's never given me a reason to not trust him... I'm usually a very secure person, but I do admit when it comes to her I feel a bit insecure... they have so much history... I'm afraid that the comfort of being all 4 of them again might seem easier that going through this long process with me... (I haven't seen him in 4 months & it's gonna be another 2 months until I see him)

The Visa process is hard, long & very expensive... Being in a long distant marriage isn't at all easy, I know we both have to be strong & know once were together things would go back to being normal again... I trust my husband but at the same time I don't want to be one of those women who blindly trust there partners to the point where they don't see what's really happening..

SL , I am getting really confused. It seems you made the thread because you had issues with him and the way he treats you. We offered some advice and suggestions to these. As this thread is progressing I am hearing you back track more and more on having an issue with him. Then again you state you are not happy with the other woman again. You trust him and you love him but he is still not spending his free time with you. Are you okay with that? You sound like you are making rationalizations and excuses for his behavior. I think you either have accept it and deal or confront it and don't back down.

My SO called me today to tell me he was going to have a buddy over for a few hours and would not be online till after his friend left. He did this because he respects my time and wanted to be courteous. He has work, school, family and friends too. He still makes time for me everyday. In this day and age of internet I find little reason why a husband cannot spend 5 minute at least talking on Skype or even just chatting with his wife. You seem to only now be upset about the ex being around but the bigger picture to me is she is a symptom of a bigger problem. The way he treats you. I am pretty certain that if he stood up to his brother, his brother's fiancee and the ex and told them to BACK off, they would. He should love his wife enough to do so. He said be spending his free time with you and not them. Does he have a laptop? Can he bring it with him to their place? He needs to show them you are his wife and still in his life just as much now as when you were CD and will be again soon. If he Skyped with you while there it would make the ex a fifth wheel and perhaps she will stop wanting to be around all the time. He could even just call and say I love you in front of her to get that point across.

My point is this, if he was making you the priority in his life he would not have time to be spending it with her, he would be doing it with you. Seeing your niece is not something you do all the time for most people, spending time with your mate is.

[Sarah Lee]

He's actually been communicating a lot more since we had that talk.. it's not just "good morning & good night" anymore.. he calls me every night now & we talk for at least 2 hours... he texts me during the day & also lets me if he's gonna be with friends, cousins or his family... when he was at his brothers house this weekend he was on the phone with me for about an hour... (I was out with my parents so I didn't get to talk to him until I got home) I use a Magic Jack phone so I can only talk to him when I'm home.. I took everyone's advice & told him exactly how I feel & what I needed from him.. so far we've been doing much better in terms of communication.

That's why I got kinda stressed when I found out about him being around his ex this weekend, bc things finally started getting back on a positive note & I didn't want to deal with her on top of everything that's happening..

[Hollandia]

He's actually been communicating a lot more since we had that talk.. it's not just "good morning & good night" anymore.. he calls me every night now & we talk for at least 2 hours... he texts me during the day & also lets me if he's gonna be with friends, cousins or his family... when he was at his brothers house this weekend he was on the phone with me for about an hour... (I was out with my parents so I didn't get to talk to him until I got home) I use a Magic Jack phone so I can only talk to him when I'm home.. I took everyone's advice & told him exactly how I feel & what I needed from him.. so far we've been doing much better in terms of communication.

That's why I got kinda stressed when I found out about him being around his ex this weekend, bc things finally started getting back on a positive note & I didn't want to deal with her on top of everything that's happening..

It is good to hear he is showing you more attention. Does this mean he is coming for the visit with you now? If you two are working out all the problems that time together should put the nail in ex's coffin. I have heard that men need sex so I would be planning to bang my man's brains out.

[Sarah Lee]

Yes definitely, we've been talking & making plans for the Summer.. & I plan on fully enjoying each other as much as possible in every way even sexually...
Lets just hope everything stays this way....

I'm so happy I decide to post & seek advice on this forum!!

[Sarah Lee]

Things hasn't gotten any better, in fact it got worst... he said to me that he cant talk to me often, every now & then is fine & that's all he can give me, he definitely cant talk to me everyday. He also said "I cant be fake anymore, I only did those things to get you to marry me & now I have to be myself & I cant continue doing those things because I'll just be lying to myself".

I've been trying to figure out what's happening & I thought may be him coming this summer would make things better, may be it's the distance... I told him my dad has the money to buy his airplane ticket & he said he wishes he could come but he has gotten a Summer job with his uncle... We haven't seen each other since January, we hardly talk or text and we have never Skype. He's a NYC teacher so he's off from school now, since he's been off he hasn't text-ed me or called or emailed.. he has classes at nite thou.. he doesnt have time to talk to me he says....

I feel like my marriage is over & I'm trying to come to teams with it but it's so hard.. he keeps saying he loves me and he cares when we do talk but he hasnt been showing me at all...

[kattermole]

Things hasn't gotten any better, in fact it got worst... he said to me that he cant talk to me often, every now & then is fine & that's all he can give me, he definitely cant talk to me everyday. He also said "I cant be fake anymore, I only did those things to get you to marry me & now I have to be myself & I cant continue doing those things because I'll just be lying to myself".

I've been trying to figure out what's happening & I thought may be him coming this summer would make things better, may be it's the distance... I told him my dad has the money to buy his airplane ticket & he said he wishes he could come but he has gotten a Summer job with his uncle... We haven't seen each other since January, we hardly talk or text and we have never Skype. He's a NYC teacher so he's off from school now, since he's been off he hasn't text-ed me or called or emailed.. he has classes at nite thou.. he doesnt have time to talk to me he says....

I feel like my marriage is over & I'm trying to come to teams with it but it's so hard.. he keeps saying he loves me and he cares when we do talk but he hasnt been showing me at all...

I'm so sorry to read this If he's admitted he misrepresented himself to marry you, that's pretty nasty of him. Why can't he talk to you every day? What is preventing him doing so? The fact he'd rather work over summer than visit his wife also speaks volumes It's easy for him to say he loves you but his behaviour certainly doesn't show it. I think you need to have a serious discussion, because speaking to your husband "every now and then" and not seeing them is probably not the relationship you signed up for and want. I suspect you probably feel more lonely in this relationship than you would out of it.

[Sarah Lee]

We've had so many discussions, where it's me talking and him either being quiet or giving very short answers.. I try to talk to him I try to text him I tell him how I feel, how he's making me feel.. I asked him if he wants a divorce he keeps saying in time everything would work out we just need to stay together and it will all fall into place once were living together again...

How can he not expect to be here for me now & expect things to work out when were together.. We talked about him working for the Summer to save enough for us to get our own place once I'm back , but he said he couldn't wait that long without seeing me.. Now he seems like he doesn't care if or when he sees me. I got my Visa interview appointment for next month, which means we should be living together by the end of the year. May be he thinks by working & saving it's better than spending the summer here since I'll be back sooner than we thought!

My question is, should I wait until we live together to make my decision? I have most of my family here so if I stay here I'll have there support.. If I go there I have a lot of friends & some family so I wouldn't be totally alone.. Should I go there & try to make my marriage work & if it doesn't work out just move back to my country?

[ThePiedPiper]

My question is, should I wait until we live together to make my decision? I have most of my family here so if I stay here I'll have there support.. If I go there I have a lot of friends & some family so I wouldn't be totally alone.. Should I go there & try to make my marriage work & if it doesn't work out just move back to my country?

It depends on whether or not that's what you need to do before you'll be able to accept that this is not working. Some people do not need to go to this extent, others would be done at essentially being told their marriage is a sham. I wouldn't, because it's not going to work. I wouldn't put the money, time, or effort into it just because he sometimes says nice or reassuring things or just because I theorized it was x or y causing him to be like this. He explicitly said he faked a lot of things to get you to marry him and now he's not bothering to talk to you which has been a reoccuring theme in your relationship. I do understand that giving up on marriage is almost entirely different than giving up on a boyfriend, but I just don't see this one working out...

[conejita_hada]

It depends on whether or not that's what you need to do before you'll be able to accept that this is not working.

I agree with ThePiedPiper, I also think you need to do what's best for your own interests. If that means waiting until you're CD again, then do that. At the beginning of the year, my friend found out her marriage wasn't working, her husband lied to her and broke her trust but she decided she couldn't have closure in the relationship until they were back together. On the other hand, weigh out the costs. Every situation is different and if you know, deep down that it won't work out, don't hurt your financial stability nor uproot yourself. Do what's best for you.