New and seeking counsel

[Gin_12]

Hello everyone, I'm Gin
This forum is wonderful and it is so resourceful that I've been visiting regularly. I am still new to LDR and... I need your advice.
Here is a bit of background

SO and I are planning our next meetup for August of this year. I'm flying to him and I'll be visiting for about 3 months... We've met once before earlier this year and things went really well. Since our last meeting, we've been working hard at making it possible to meet again sooner but there were bumps here and there and we finally settled for August. I am extremely excited that things are getting back on track, I am more excited to see him soon...

HOWEVER, I am beginning to panic a little, I can't shake the feeling that I'm/He's going to do something stupid that'll mess up our relationship. But I admit I am more hard on myself... thinking I might become the perpetrator.
It is a bit strange because when we were together the first time, I did not feel that way. As a matter of fact I was more confident than I am now...
SO and I communicate well so far, I speak my mind he speaks his and we make it a point to give each other the opportunity to express our feelings and such. I am pretty much an independent individual. Not perfect at all plus I have "pride" issues when it comes to money (long story short: I hate hate HATE asking for financial assistance).
Since we've been "officially" together (4 months, we've known each other for 8 months total), I am such a happier person. He tells me he cares about me and he's been acting like he does. Lately, he's been introducing me to his best buddies... he's been asking about my family and friends... so he is opening up a bit more and I appreciate that. So what is my problem??? I wish I knew... the 3-month visit is starting to look like a challenge, a tough one too. I am definitely going for it but I need all the advice and encouragement pleaaaasssseee.

Has anyone visited their SO for a prolonged time? How did it go? How did you manage? what are some things you "planned" prior to the visit?
Any advice on finances? conflict resolution? any tips?

As you can see, I am a bit (or a lot) on anxiety mode and since I am NOT so street smart, I feel like I need to gather as much advice, support, info as possible.

For those who might wonder, we decided 3 months for a few reasons:
- I can only get 90 days maximum to Schengen
- I have great flexibility to travel up until I graduate next year. After which I will have to focus on a career or the next best thing... and that might reduce my flexibility dramatically...
- SO is starting a new career in June and will only have 2 weeks vacation until next year...
- SO and I agreed that we were going to try a mini CDR and decide if our LDR is worth pursuing given it is quite a commitment... So we want to get to a point where we are our usual selves all the time and see what happens...

Thank You for your valued input!!!
Gin

[Catface]

My SO and I originally met during a week long visit for a wedding and we formed our relationship after he had gone home. We made a very risky choice, but he came to live with me for 2.5 months. It could have gone any sort of way, but it went very well. I am about to fly to him in June to spend three months with him (Belgium! We'll be neighbours :P)

Big headliner: STOP OVERTHINKING. It will kill any relationship before it begins. Things will either work or they won't. Give it your best shot and have faith in your SO. Cross bridges when you come to them.

Financially, it was arranged before he came over that he would have to help pay for some bills and groceries because I couldn't afford it all. He chipped in for meals and we traded back and forth paying for dates. He was okay with it and understood that I couldn't pay for his expenses. Be up front with what you feel comfortable chipping in and you won't have any expectations that are assumed.

Conflict resolution will be different for everyone. Best thing to do is remain calm whenever possible and talk things out like adults. If you can't, give each other some room to breathe, maybe go for a walk or read a book. Once tensions go down, talk it out.

Make sure you have alone time, and that your SO does too. Even if you're in the house together, or the same room, take time out to do things on your own. Don't neglect yourself in order to spend time with your SO. Bring a hobby with you to do during that time. It will drive you crazy and make the both of you feel smothered. If he's working that's even better because it will simulate a real life situation and give you both some time away. Just remember that he's still going to work, so he'll still need alone downtime sometimes.

I'm sure there's lots more I can say but my SO is calling on Skype! If you want to follow up with questions etc, you can do that here or PM me! Good luck!

[Hollandia]

I took a giant leap of faith and stayed with my SO for 3 months. I did it first time for same reasons. I stayed the max of Schengen because the airfare is so expensive and we had known each other for over six months and I could because I can work remotely from anywhere. We moved past the this is weird being in person stage in about a week. I picked up most groceries and extras and he paid the main bills. We took turns with chores and stuff and got very much used to being together most of the time. I am going back to the Netherlands for my third 3 month stay in June. We had a great time exploring the country and learning to be CD as you said. I met all the family and friends and we even eat dinner at his parents once or twice a week. I did stay home a few times by myself while he went out with his boys but not much, maybe 3 times the whole summer. I was invited to two of them but either not up for it or felt it better to not go. I wanted him to have his guy time. I also told him to feel free and play his games and not think I needed to be entertained. I took walks and rode my bike to have some me time when I wanted it. I worked out or played in the kitchen when he was at school and I worked when he worked. We learned to make this our time instead of my holiday, we live as we will live when we close the distance and not as a couple on vacation. We made the bed together and threw a party for his friends together. We went grocery shopping together mostly but I learned to do it alone eventually. He loves to come home from work and find me in the kitchen cooking something that was not in the house before he left. In short, we made his place a home, our home.


I am so very glad I decided to stay that long. It was very hard to leave him and it still is each time. I don't know if we ever would have progressed to the point of talking about getting married and having kids asap like we are now if I had not taken that step of staying for 3 months. In his head I was an internet person before that, after 3 months of living together, I was his person. I would only suggest to make sure to have a back up plan to leave sooner if you want too, other than that go for it. Please keep us updated and if you wish to talk further please feel free to PM me.

[pink elephant]

Really agree with Catface - seriously, don't worry about you or yourself screwing up. Worry more about what you guys are going to do together, the future you both want, and just enjoying each other's company. Three months is way "too short" in the grander scope of things to worry about who's going to screw up when you could be having a good time and learning more about each other in person instead. Have a little faith.

With over eight visits between myself and my SO spanning over six years and in three different countries, we ended up focusing more on spending time with each other and seeing if we were really that dedicated to keeping up the relationship. Two three-month visits involved my SO staying with me in the US and I think it's a good chunk of time (although I'm sure many would say not enough time) to really get to know your SO and how your SO functions in a different environment. It allowed us to see how well we got along for a longer period of time in the same place, witness interactions between him and my family and friends and how well he adjusted to the traditions of my family and culture in the US. If he weren't happy with any of those, then I couldn't see us having a good relationship in the future. Luckily, my friends and family loved him, he thoughts all my relatives and friends were extremely nice, and he had a fantastic time in the US.

With each visit, we decided to not have a super detailed plan so that expectations weren't broken. We just planned things when we were together such as the "talks" about stuff like the future, jobs, moving, etc. and general "What are we going to do today/tomorrow?" and "What do you want to do?" plans. It was much easier to talk about these things face to face and actually see what we were talking about.

As for finances, at the time, he was still completing university and I had graduated already and had a full-time job, so I was responsible for funding things such as when he came to visit me in Asia and when I visited the UK. I too had my pride about being independent and really do NOT like being given money out of sympathy and not being in full-time employment - but my husband threw that all out the window and said if we're going to be together, we had to learn how to share together because we're a couple. Now I have to depend on him as I'm still job searching, but our reasoning was that it totally sucks to not be able to do anything when you don't have much money and you're in a foreign country!

Of course, we did have our arguments, but personally as scary as they sound, I think you have to go through them to find out what does make your SO upset and how well you can handle diplomacy, accepting responsibility and learning to reconcile with your SO. Our communication improved tremendously over our little arguments we had on Skype after we spent more time physically together and understanding things like facial expressions, gestures, and matching tones of voice with body language. It was easier for us to jump back up from a fight because we knew how to feel better from a good cry and hugs. Now that we've closed the distance with six months together (the longest we've ever been) we rarely (in fact, hardly at all) argue because we learned that we need to talk things through thoroughly, share our feelings on the subject, and just plain old listen to each other. If things ever got really heated up, he knows that he needs to leave me alone to cool off and vice versa. If we didn't meet up for as long as we did, we probably wouldn't know how to deal with our conflicts.

Just be yourselves and have a great time! Trust me, you'll have plenty of time to worry about the things you've mentioned in your post much further down the road. (Also, sorry if I've rambled on too much.)

Good luck with your preparations and let us know how things go!

[jennifer]

even i absolutely agree with Catface... she is right u shud not be worrying abt ur realtionship instead u shud be doing whtever u can to make ur time special with ur SO... when my SO comes and visit me we plan out evenings together... and sometimes we spend the whole day together.... i usually avoid going for my classes and plan our days... i cook for him, i do things that make him feel special as well as he does everything to make me special and loved.... long things short we try compensating all the the time that we've spent apart by spending as much time together as it is possible.. as for the finances he always try doing everything himself.... although even i dnt like it.. and i try doing things that are in my hands... but still when i get short of finances he is always thr for me... there is this understanding between us and i know he will never make me feel low... so i wud say be open to him and share him ur problems... im sure he'll support u in every way.... and i guarantee u that ull have arguments but i guess that is a part of every relationship.. so just stay put and enjoy every part of the time when u are with ur SO.... and just give ur best shot rather than worrying abt it... and im sure things will work out smoothly for u both!!!!!

[Gin_12]

Hello everyone,
First I would like to apologize for disappearing, I’ve picked up more work hours to save money and now I am always gone… or snoozing.
However, I read everyone’s reply and I thank you for such support. It is just what I needed. Thank you for opening your private messaging lines to me as well because I know I will cry wolf… because I have panic attacks like that.
I must admit that I feel much much better letting go of the control freak (me).

Catface: I’m glad I took your advice to not overthink everything because I practiced just that all week (well… technically, I didn’t have much time to plan anything but I did consciously get busy with other stuff when I felt the urge to plan). Doing my own thing is also something we spoke about. SO is so worried that I’ll be bored and I’ve already registered for classes which I plan to attend while he is at work. I do like the advice of letting him “be” even if we are in the same house. I read a lot and I was going to read but now I’m stealing some of Hollandia’s ideas and I think I’ll work out or take a bike and roam the streets just to give us some space.
You are right, I have to have more faith in him… I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic but coming from a disastrous prior relationship (involving abuse) which took a long time to heal from, I sometimes feel like SO is too good to be true and I need to pinch myself and wake up from the fairy… it is even more interesting that it took a shot at LDR to experience a genuine relationship. I guess I’d subconsciously set my expectations a bit low to curb a potential disappointment… I thought I was going to date another jerk. But surprise-surprise I got the total opposite… what do I know?!

Hollandia: I do feel like it is important that the time we spend is different than the first time because it was more like a “holiday” then. Now it has to be normal life. I hope our decision to try CD will turn positive. We’ve both agreed that we’ll cut the dating loose if we just can’t work together… or one of us doesn’t feel like trying anymore. SO is cute, he drafted a “gentleman’s agreement which stipulates that in the event one of us feels at “odds” with the experience and expresses so, we will immediately book a return flight and split the cost right in the middle… we had the same kind of agreement the first time. We virtually shook hands on skype… sounds corny but it shows that SO is doing his best to do the right thing.

Pink Elephant: About the finance thing, I get ridiculous sometimes. After one incident where I did everything to solve the issue on my own SO told me straight up that I needed to allow him to help me sometimes, because he is glad to do it and it makes him happy. I was so embarrassed. I have been reminding myself that I need to let him do just that and not fuss… some men out there don’t even care that much so I should feel lucky right?

Anyway as an update, SO and I talked over my concerns: the planning, the arguments, the finances etc… and we agreed that we needed to take this experience as it comes… wing it in general but plan big lines such as time management (since he’s working and I’ll be taking online classes AND language lessons), important expenses and house rules. Hihihi it felt like we were playing “house” but overall, I feel great about our communication. So thank you again for your input, it has been put to good use... of course more advice is welcomed I am learning through y'ALL