He's leaving tomorrow

[amy2307]

My boyfriend is leaving for Australia for anything between 8 months to a year. I'm devastated but trying not to smother him or annoy him, we said goodbye yesterday so now I won't see him at all for all that time. I don't know how often we'll get to talk, I have barely any info about it. I already struggle with depression and I'm worried about it getting worse after this. I know he's upset too but he doesn't like to show it, he doesn't want us to be in a relationship while he's away because of the pressure. I really need support, I miss him so much already but he's too busy to talk. I've made it sound like he doesn't care but he does, I think he's distancing himself from me because it hurts him plus he is looking forward to going (he's gonna be working on a farm out there and training to be a vet). Anyway any advice on how I can cope will help so much as I'm new to this :/ thanks

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm not sure I understand. Are you guys together? You said he doesn't want to be in a relationship while he's away, does that mean you're together or not?

If not, then I don't think staying in touch will help you. Speaking from experience, going away and leaving someone, and not being in a relationship but staying in touch, is bad for both involved. Because the person who leaves wants to enjoy themselves as much as possible, but they stay in touch because they miss home. And it leads on the person who's left behind. If he's leaving and you're not going to be together for the duration of his abscence, don't stay in touch. And don't assume he will come back and you can get back together. Because after a year apart, not being in a relationship... Either you or him might not want to get back together, and if one or other of you decides that, it leaves the person who assumed you were getting back together right back at the beginning of the break up.

If you are staying together, try not to panic. A lot of people on this forum cope with long periods of time apart, and there's lots of advice here on how to cope with it. The first few weeks are usually the hardest, but trust me, after doing it for a little while, you can get into the swing of things. There are a lot of ways to stay in touch, if you both want to make it work.

The only solid piece of advice I can give you is to find out where you're both at. Whether you're together or not together. Because if you're not on the same page, it will only hurt you more when you find out you're not.

[abna1]

Going away and leaving someone, and not being in a relationship but staying in touch, is bad for both involved.

The only solid piece of advice I can give you is to find out where you're both at. Whether you're together or not together. Because if you're not on the same page, it will only hurt you more when you find out you're not.

I agree !

What I don't quite understand is why exactly he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore while he's away ? How long have you been together ?
As far as the time apart goes.. I've done 8 months before and I'm just starting another 8 months apart. This week has been terrible but it's slowly getting better. It does get easier. Keep yourself busy ! It will distract you and time goes faster. Plus he'll be busy and experiencing new things, so it's better if you do, too. You won't feel like you're just at home waiting for him to come back. If you decide to keep in touch, do it regularly, even if it's only a short text a day or a call once in while. It's hard but not impossible !

[amy2307]

We're still together but we're dropping the labels I guess. He wants to break up cause he's worried about us being under pressure when he gets back about picking up where we left off and stuff, but he wants to stay in touch and see me when he gets back. It's frustrating that everything is on his terms and I just have to deal with it, it feels like he hasn't thought about my feelings at all. If he doesn't want to stay with me I don't understand why he started this relationship as everything was already booked and he's left out telling me so many details until the last minute, he's been so vague with everything > I'm really quite angry with him tbh. We've been together for five months and we've known each other other a little bit longer than that. I'm serious about him but i don't know where i stand, i know he loves me but things are so confusing. Anyway thank you both for your replies, they have helped

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You've "dropped the labels" but you're "still together"? Does that mean you're exclusive or not? Because that description still doesn't seem very clear to me. That just seems like he's putting you on hold while he goes off and does exactly what he wants but wants to leave the door open so after he's done what he wants he can come back to you.

I'm going to be honest - I was going to Australia, had it all booked, started seeing someone but had already decided that I wanted to be single when I went. I thought we were on the same page when I left - that we weren't together, and that I didn't want him to wait around. We weren't on the same page. He wanted to wait around anyway. But I didn't know if I'd want to be together when I got back because I was going for 8 months, and so much can happen in that time. I tried to stay friends, but to be honest, he just got the wrong impression, and I ended up having to be harsher than I wanted to make him see that I seriously didn't want to be together.

This leads me to think your boyfriend is kinda where I was at. It'll sound harsh, but if he wanted to be with you, he'd make it work. I came home from Australia with a different boyfriend, knowing that I definitely wanted to make that one work. I'm not saying he's going off to find someone new, I'm saying that when you know you want to make it work, you know.

I think you need space from this. Really think about what he's asking of you: to wait around, and hold out hope, until he's decided whether or not he wants to take the relationship seriously and commit to an exclusive LDR, or until he's had his fun for a year in another country.

I've been him, and I was a dick about it, I did the wrong things, and it's really hard to do the right things when you're not quite sure. And you need to know before he goes whether he's in this or out, and then you need to act accordingly.

[PrincessTray]

I am feeling really down and looking for support then I saw this thread. My bf is leaving in a couple of days for an extended unknown period due to work and i just to know what to do. Feeling really sad overwhelmed. We met while he was studying now his studies are over and he goes back home. We have agreed to stay together but I am really going to miss him # tears Afraid i will get depressed not sure how i will make it through.

[amy2307]

Wow, this helped me a lot. I think I understand what you're saying, I broke up with him last night because I realized that he doesn't love me in the same way and isn't available for a relationship right now. It's easier to let go now. It hurts a lot but thank you for making me realize, things are a lot clearer now I guess.

[abna1]

I think you've made the right decision, amy ! I hope you feel better about it soon and find someone who makes you happy and is really ready for a serious relationship

[amy2307]

Thank you