possibility of a sooner than expected marriage

[Josh451]

mentally im ready financially definitely not for me the ideal thing would be for her to just work and save up money (shes very close to getting her degree) and for me to finish school and start working before we work towards marriage. but in her own words she needs someone to be with her

[libelle]

She needs "someone" or she needs YOU. Think on those words.

[Kristin91]

Since you just admitted "definitely not" being financially ready for marriage, then you should talk it through with her and tell her that you both need to be in a good place financially before you get married. Especially since you're an international couple, it's not cheap when you have to deal with Visas and all that.

[Josh451]

She needs "someone" or she needs YOU. Think on those words.

she tried leaving me a couple time because she didnt think she could handle the distance. she told me it was so easy to leave other guys but with me she keeps looking back. and she put a lot of effort into putting this plan together it was all her idea. i think she really wants to be with me but she doesn't want to have to wait years before we can be together. i don't know what i can tell her to keep her going

[mllebamako]

i don't know what i can tell her to keep her going

You shouldn't have to tell her anything to keep her "going". If she was committed and wanting to be with you forever, then she'd wait. You guys haven't even met yet! So what, you go there for a month and then go back to the States and you'll have to be apart again for another 9 months or more while waiting for the K1 visa?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

she tried leaving me a couple time because she didnt think she could handle the distance. she told me it was so easy to leave other guys but with me she keeps looking back. and she put a lot of effort into putting this plan together it was all her idea. i think she really wants to be with me but she doesn't want to have to wait years before we can be together. i don't know what i can tell her to keep her going

You really think she loves you if she's prepared to tell you to quit university and try to make enough money to financially support you both in a marriage, on top of already telling you she needs "someone" in her city? And after only 6 months of being together? Does that sound like something a supportive, understanding partner would ask of a 19 year old just beginning university?

I know you think this relationship is the be all and end all, but if it really is, it will still be those things in 5 years time.

Additionally, marriage should be because it is that particular individual, regardless of where they are geographically, who you want to be married to. Marriage should not be a means of being able to be geographically closer. If she's threatening to find someone else in her city if you don't marry her, you definitely should not marry her.

[lucybelle]

Only knowing each other 6 months and neither of you being financially stable are big red flags for USCIS. I doubt you'd be approved.

Also- somethings I wanted to add before, you're very young and USCIS will take that into account. Not in a good way.

By financially stable you need to prove you make 125% over the poverty line which is about $20,000/year. If you don't make that you need a cosponsor, which if your family doesn't approve of the marriage you can bet your ass they won't agree to cosponsor.

Let's put the marrying too young to someone you barely know to live together (which is a terrible idea) aside. You will never get approved for a spousal visa, so you need to think of another way.

[chizatlauren]

Hi Josh451,

Okay, I have a few things to tell you.

1.) If she really loves you, she'll be willing to sacrifice her "missing you blues" so both of you can have a better life someday. She will support you with your college goals and all that. Look at the brighter side. If you don't skip a semester, you'll finish college earlier, and you can get married after that.

2.) Six months is too short for a close distance relationship to get married, and what more for a long distance one? You're in the honeymoon stage right now, where everything seems perfect and you think you found your one true love. But you're both young and you have other priorities aside from lovelife, so deal with those first before jumping into marriage.

3.) I do understand that getting married is the only way to get a visa. I'm in the same dilemma. Actually my SO and I have also been together for 6 months (just like you) and he's also 19 years old and I'm 22 (just like you). But we've settled on waiting til my SO's senior year in college (which is three years from now) before tying the knot so we'll have plenty of time to get to know each other well and get to know each other's culture. I highly advice you to just get a tourist visa first, visit her from time to time, (vice versa) and wait til you're both more mature.

4.) As lucybelle said, the USCIS will not even give you a spousal visa if you don't have an income that is above the poverty level.


Please, please, please. Listen to all the people here. They're giving you a sound advice. It's also for your own good. If she loves you, she will wait. TRUE LOVE WAITS.

[Dezface]

What Lucybelle said. Your chances of getting approved for a spousal visa are nil. This won't fix your problem. So getting married is pointless.

[Tooki]

its very hard for her to come here to study usually only 1 or 2 students per university there are accepted to come study here. as far as her coming here to work i dont know we would have to look into it more

Can she not at least apply to universities in your state or general geographic areas?

In my opinion, you need to stay in school, finish school and get a better paying job once you graduate to save up for closing the distance.

Your SO is pressuring you unnecessarily. Does she have ANY financial support on her end to help with closing the distance?

[TooFarAway]

I agree with the above posters 1000%
Education is extremely important and your SO should be supporting you and not telling you to skip a whole semester just for her. That's incredibly selfish.
LDR is hard and I understand what your SO is feeling but you have to talk to your SO honestly and maturely about this. If she can't understand and still persists in pressuring you to come to China and get married then I really suggest you re-evaluate your relationship.
I know love can sometimes cause people to make rash decisions. But please don't let it completely ruin your future.

[LadyDaemon]

Ok so I will echo what a lot of others have said. You both have only been together for 6 months and that is not enough time of being together to be running off and getting married,especially when you've not met even once. Marriage is something that should happen in time when you're both ready,not just one of you. You have not even begun to bring your relationship into the real world yet. I strongly suggest doing this first before going any further and if she can't handle it then maybe you guys shouldn't be together.

I understand missing your SO but that doesn't mean it gives anyone a right to give ultimatums as she has done. If she really cared about you as she has said she does then she wouldn't be pressuring you or encouraging you to do something as foolish as putting off your education. You also shouldn't be using your parents hard earned money to do it either,that money is for you to go to school on and that's all you should be using it for out of respect for them. I think you need to stay where you are,finish school,have a few visits,get yourselves stable and then move forward when you're both ready,but not before. If you do this now with the way things are,even if by some miracle you got approved for a visa (which I doubt),then that can wind up being a disaster in every aspect for you both.

I also hope she understands that either way she will have to wait. So she either stays where she is and has to wait or you both make this brash decision and she still has to wait anyway because it can take months before visas are approved. So,with that said,I'd try to convince her one more time to hang on and not try to put the cart before the horse so to speak and if she can't handle it then I think it's time to move on.

[conejita_hada]

I agree with the advice of the other posters. Love in a relationship is fun, it is also challenging and relationships often require compromise. My SO and I plan on getting married though we've only been going out 3 months but we acknowledge that it can't happen for 3 years because both of us need to finish our degrees and gain financial stability. We don't want to have an LDR for 3 years but recognize that it's in the best interest of both of our futures, as a couple and individually. Your post from last month discusses a boy your SO met in her city. If the challenges have been going on for a month, take a step back from the relationship and try to think of your future, together and individually. If you took off from university right now and went to China and you both found the relationship wasn't compatible close distance, how would you handle it? Or, if it went well and she ended up relocating to the US, what are your plans to go back to university? Who would pay the bills? Does her degree transfer equal to a US accredited degree? Would future US employers feel her degree was qualified? What if you stayed in China? What kind of job could you get?

Before making any decisions, remember to think about you. My SO and I agreed that neither of us would compromise our educational and career goals for the other person because we don't want to resent each other. Make sure your decision in love now doesn't cause resentment in the future.

[Josh451]

i dont think she can wait :'( im just so afraid of losing her and im willing to do anything to keep her

[Tooki]

i dont think she can wait :'( im just so afraid of losing her and im willing to do anything to keep her

Will she do anything to keep you though? It doesn't appear that this is so if she is pressuring you into moving to China without a concrete support base.