Need opinions and advice for a strange situation and possible LDR

[KMerv]

Hello everyone,

My first post here so please be gentle.


I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for by posting here, but I guess I just want to share my situation and perhaps read some of your opinions.

I try to keep this short, but I guess that I also have to include some background to my current situation.

About five years ago I got a nice job in a big international companys local office. Since our HQ and plants are in another country I soon started to get connected with people from another country. For the sake of everyones privacy I will not name any countries. I emailed a lot to this one young and also new to her job girl for all sorts of technical matters and always got very nice replies. Soon I found myself emailing her about non-work related stuff, too, like to ask how her weekend was and so on. She always happily replied and we kept emailing back and forth randomly for a few years.

About a year ago she suddenly asked me if I could accept her as a FB friend even though we are colleagues. I happily did so, of course, since I was starting to really like her. We had never even talked on the phone let alone met in person!

Since we became FB buddies we started to chat more and also started to send text msgs etc. This slowly got more and more personal. We both had hidden most of our information in FB so we both had very little idea of if the other is dating or not for example. Eventually I told her that I have a girlfriend, but that we are breaking up after a very long relationship. She still didn't mention to me that she, too, has a bf until after a rather long time. When she told me about her bf she was worried if this would change anything between us. I told no it wouldn't, but inside I was already hurting since I really wanted her to be single. They had been together "on-off" as she put it for some 5-6 years and had recently moved together.

I decided to try to keep things friendly with her since she had a bf, but couldn't. The more we talked the deeper it always got. She certainly noticed the same. We even ended up having cyber sex in FB a couple of times...which we both absolutely loved. Time went by slowly and she kept on living her life and I did mine, but we were constantly in each others minds. We constantly messaged in WhatsApp about our comings and going, how we missed the other and so on. Even when she was travelling around Europe with her bf she sent me messages about how she missed me and would rather be here. It made me feel good every time, but hurt like hell, too.

A one point we talked about how we should continue this and I told her, that I would one day want to try a real relationship with her. This I think scared her a bit and she immediately told me that as much as she has a crush on me she will not break up with her bf as she feels like she is living her dream: Lots of money, friends, travelling, parties and so on. Ok so again I was shattered even though I kinda knew to expect it. I tried to end everything with her right there, but she didn't. After sleeping over a night I decided to be brave and ask her if she would be willing to keep doing what we were doing or otherwise I would have to copmpletely disappear in order to protect myself from too much heart ache. She said that she would like to keep up what we had.

So we did keep it on. Very sweet messages and emails kept going back and forth and she many times told me that she is thinking of me way too much and not like what is appropriate at all. At this point I was also falling in love quickly even though we had never seen or even talked on the phone yet.

One day we had a nice long chat again and decided that we absolutely have to meet otherwise we will go crazy. She was very hesitant, of course, and told me that she is afraid of what she will find. She always had told me that I seem to be the perfect match for her. I thought the same of her. Eventually she (she has plenty of money and I'm poor) booked tickets to fly over. We were both hyper-excited for a week as the flight approached! But of course a day before she was due to get on the plane her bf found out about it. When she told me about it I was scared that this will ruin it all. She had told him that it was a business trip, but he saw her flight ticket bookings which were private. I don't know how or why but her bf actually let her come here if we were "just friends"!? She really wanted to see me so she got on the plane and flew to me. We were both extremely nervous when we met at the airport, but it all disappeared in two seconds after she jumped on me and we hugged for god knows how long. It was like we had known each others for ever. We went to eat and soon we both realized that this friend thing is not working for us, but she actually said it out loud.

I save you the details but we spent wonderful few days at my place. As if she never had had a bf in the first place, but still she was very worried to keep everything secret from him. She also told me that what she found is what she had feared the most. She didn't clarify it more and I didn't want to ask. I was scared that I would ruin something if I did.

Only after a day or two after she returned home we were again messaging about where to meet again... This time I flew to her while her bf was away and we spent maybe the best and sweetest three days I have ever had together. Again everything had to be kept as a strict secret... One night when we lay on the hotel bed she stared deep in to my eyes and told me that if we keep meeting she will fall in love with me. It almost made me cry as I had felt the same for her for a long time. She again told me that she do not want to break up with her bf, but we also talked about me moving to her country and learn the language etc. How bloody weird?

Ok now we are basically in the present day again as I came back from this trip just this Monday.

She is back at home and I sit here on my PC and miss her like crazy! While typing this we are already messaging about our next chance to meet and we must wait for 6 weeks or so.

So there is the background. A big mess, right? Or perhaps the start of a true love story? Who the heck knows. Her current relationship surely is not in the best possible state otherwise things would never have gone this far so I can't even feel all that bad for what we have done. In fact I feel amazingly good and complete when I'm with her.

Please ladies tell me what I dare to expect from all this? Our feelings seem to be clear and our actions definitely are. Can there be any chance that I can actually have a real relationship with her? For that to really happen she has to break-up with her bf, lose a lot of good friends from his side, give up their common home, have a noticeable decrease in income and so on.

If she really has found true love with me would all that be possible? Only to end up in a long distance relationship with me for some time before I could move to her.

Am I crazy to keep going after her and the possible LDR? I probably could find a nice lady for myself from my own country, but I'm so god damn badly fallen for just her...



Ok now this is a long first post. Thank you if you took the time to read through it and please post any opinions and comments that you might have.

[Swederica]

Ok I'm done reading and I just went to the bathroom, I'm all set.

My first instinct when reading this is that I was reminded by my former relationship and how that started (hint: in a similar fashion). My second was "God this girl lives an unfair life" and by unfair I mean I kind of want it.

Anyway, she needs to decide what she wants to do, because she'll ruin both if she keeps on being indecisive. She's gotten the cake and eaten it as well for a very long time now. The people it affects the most is both you and her boyfriend, if you think about it. She gets to have both a boyfriend and a love interest on the side. You get to be teased back and forth and live in emotional misery hoping that she'll pick you and her boyfriend is being cheated on. With that in mind, she NEEDS to make up her mind. You can't live your entire life like this, it just won't work. And their relationship can't work like this forever, either.

Can you also further explain the part of "have a noticeable decrease in income" because that sounds worrisome.

I suppose the point I'm heading towards is that sooner, rather than later, she either needs to decide or you really need to move on. As hard as it'll be on you she wouldn't be fair to you.

That's my opinion on the whole thing. Most likely what you expected, perhaps what you wanted to hear.

[Sanja]

I guess she has it all, the good life she wants with her bf, and she has you. To be honest, it isn't fair to you nor her boyfriend. She needs to make up her mind and decide where and with whom she wants to be. It this keeps up much longer, you will end up exactly where you don't want to be, hurt and heartbroken. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out for the best!

[Moon]

****Edited to not give away OP's location


Anyway, the way you met isn't so unusual, my relationship started the same way pretty much. Work, especially in international companies, provides a lot of opportunities for meeting interesting people, huh?

You might not like what I have to say but I'll say it anyway. She's got a boyfriend, you should probably drop this, at least while she's still in the relationship. Look, the one thing you know about her is that she's willing to cheat, that's not a great start. I'm not necessarily a believer in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy, but.... Also, the part about her losing her income isn't to auspicious either, to me it says she's willing to stay in a relationship purely for the financial boost, regardless of love or fulfillment, or any of the other reasons to be in one.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, but I think it's time to force a decision. Do you really want to continue being her secret guy on the side? I'm sure you deserve better than that, you know? Be strong and stand up for yourself here, this situation is not fair to you. Good luck.

[KMerv]

Thank you for your replies everyone. It helps to read what others think while I of course already guessed a lot of it.

This is just not so simple for me otherwise I would have ran away already. I never knew that I could fall in love with anyone like this.

By "drop in income" I mean that I probably won't make half as much money as her current bf. This will surely have an effect in the logical side of her brain. Although we would still make a lot together if I moved to her country and I get a job in the same position as I have now.

Last weekend when we were walking along this certain river bank one night we talked a lot about what options we have for our future. I told her that she can "have her life back" for so to speak if she wants to and all she has to do is ask me and I will disappear. She almost started to cry and asked me to not go anywhere. She also asked if I can live with this situation a little longer and I said yes I can.

Would I be the greatest idiot if I give her for example to the end of the year to decide if she doesn't do it faster? Of course nobody can really answer this... I just feel like I want to have a good chance with her as I love her so damn much.

She also gives out a lot of hints that she just might choose me. For example she once said that I should probably start to study her language already and when I told her about my plans to travel she said that if I don't go immediately she would probably join me and so on. This happens all the time. Aaaargh makes me crazy to just think about it all!

If we somehow after all this end up in a LDR I wonder how it would turn out to be..? It would not have to last all that long, maybe 18 months or so max., but still.

[Filly]

Wow, this almost sound like a story book story you know?

You might not like what I have to say but I'll say it anyway. She's got a boyfriend, you should probably drop this, at least while she's still in the relationship. Look, the one thing you know about her is that she's willing to cheat, that's not a great start. I'm not necessarily a believer in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy, but.... Also, the part about her losing her income isn't to auspicious either, to me it says she's willing to stay in a relationship purely for the financial boost, regardless of love or fulfillment, or any of the other reasons to be in one.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, but I think it's time to force a decision. Do you really want to continue being her secret guy on the side? I'm sure you deserve better than that, you know? Be strong and stand up for yourself here, this situation is not fair to you. Good luck.

This.

You have to decide if that is how you're going to spend the rest of your life - as a kept man. She needs to decided what she wants but in the mean time you have to decide what you really want.

[KMerv]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, it gives away your location

Good point. Edited.

[Moon]

Would I be the greatest idiot if I give her for example to the end of the year to decide if she doesn't do it faster? Of course nobody can really answer this... I just feel like I want to have a good chance with her as I love her so damn much.

No, actually. Giving a sort of timeline to how long you can handle this is the right way to go, in my opinion. Decide how much longer you can realistically do this, and let her know you'll need some kind of decision from her by xxxx date. This keeps you from being left hanging indefinitely, and gives her time to make her choice, it's fair to you both. Only thing is, if you do this, you have to stick to it! That's really important, because you'll look like the biggest fool if you don't, and it'll be really easy to take advantage of you after that.

[KMerv]

No, actually. Giving a sort of timeline to how long you can handle this is the right way to go, in my opinion. Decide how much longer you can realistically do this, and let her know you'll need some kind of decision from her by xxxx date. This keeps you from being left hanging indefinitely, and gives her time to make her choice, it's fair to you both. Only thing is, if you do this, you have to stick to it! That's really important, because you'll look like the biggest fool if you don't, and it'll be really easy to take advantage of you after that.

Ok this was great to hear. Maybe I can risk giving such an "ultimatum" to her. So far I have really tried to avoid anything that I feel like could scare her to slam on the brakes.

We agreed today that we will meet during week 35 in her country. Maybe I wait untill we are together before I give the deadline to her. Maybe things even work out before that date on their own. She said today that she will need these weeks to work on the emotional chaos in her mind right now after meeting with me twice in just a few weeks.

She also just sent me messages a minute ago for wishing me good night and telling me how much she misses me with tons of kiss and heart smileys. All this just seconds before she goes to bed next to her bf. How the hell does that work? Well, must not be easy for her either.

[Swederica]

Ok this was great to hear. Maybe I can risk giving such an "ultimatum" to her. So far I have really tried to avoid anything that I feel like could scare her to slam on the brakes.

We agreed today that we will meet during week 35 in her country. Maybe I wait untill we are together before I give the deadline to her. Maybe things even work out before that date on their own. She said today that she will need these weeks to work on the emotional chaos in her mind right now after meeting with me twice in just a few weeks.

She also just sent me messages a minute ago for wishing me good night and telling me how much she misses me with tons of kiss and heart smileys. All this just seconds before she goes to bed next to her bf. How the hell does that work? Well, must not be easy for her either.

There's nothing really to risk. The only thing you risk is if you don't do the ultimatum. Do it, find out for sure and end the what ifs.

[KMerv]

Just some random thoughts after a badly slept night...


About her cheating on her bf:

This is one thing that I have thought about over and over again. Personally I have always been 100 % against cheating of any kind and have never done so myself, but I have no problems accepting that from her to her bf. WTF is going on in my head?

She didn't easily do it, though. We didn't just jump in bed suddenly, but rather we drifted in there over a long time. On both times we have met now there simply was no way to avoid it any more. We both want each other madly and the sex has been simply mindblowingly good. She has told me numerous times now that she has never felt such a connection and such pleasure ever before and I share those feelings completely.



And why did she not discuss about problems with her bf?

Well I can't say as I have never had the courage to ask it. She has kept all this strictly to herself so far, but last night she told me that she might tell about our love affair to her sister next week when they meet. This is both good and scary for me as her sister could encourage her to go either way and she only knows her current bf. But anyway talking about this might help her to figure out what's happening.

My personal theory is that she never realized fully that there is a problem in her relationship before it was kind of too late. In other words she already had a crush on me before she realized what was happening. We tried to quit everything a couple of times, but couldn't.

She is a very highly educated engineer and this side of her is surely very visible. She has this extremely tough, logical and technical side of her which solves problems, analyzes situations and so on. Just think about a hard core engineer and you get the picture. One of the guys in a suit who can figure out any sort of a complex machine from scratch. But then behind this is an absolutely sweet, silly and lovable romantic young woman who has cute problems receiving compliments and being with a gentleman who opens her doors, helps with her jacket and chair and so on. This combination makes her completely irresistible for me.

Her bf is also an engineer and what I have understood he is also very good at it so perhaps they are too much alike? Too tough together? Maybe they perform instead of love and live?

So maybe she is missing from the romantic and emotional side? I'm definitely a hopelessly romantic person so if that's what she is looking for she gets plenty.



So what's wrong in her relationship?

I have asked this a few times, but she has not been able to answer and I can see how her brain is working on it hard. She says that she is missing something, but can't say exactly what it is. Once she explained that by logic everything is more than fine, but still she feels the lack of something which drives her to me.


Many thanks again to all who have read through and replied. Just to write about this mess helps and to see others commenting helps even more. You have a very nice forum here everyone.

[Ejoriah]

Honestly... I feel so sorry for that woman's boyfriend. I mean, he obviously trusts her completely. He finds out about the plane ticket and is willing to let her go to her own thing (I see it: letting her live her own life, having her own friends, not being controlling) on the understanding that it's just a friend... and then she goes and has sex behind his back. Talk about a slap in the face.

That said, since you both are very much aware that she's cheating on her boyfriend, I agree with the whole ultimatum thing, because it's unfair to string the both of you along - especially her boyfriend, who is clueless. Just stick to it.

I am genuinely curious though - do you feel like, if you got in a relationship with her, you'd be able to trust her to be faithful to you?

I apologize if my post comes across as rude (as I re-read, I can see it could be taken that way), it is not my intention to attack you at all.

[KMerv]

I am genuinely curious though - do you feel like, if you got in a relationship with her, you'd be able to trust her to be faithful to you?

I apologize if my post comes across as rude (as I re-read, I can see it could be taken that way), it is not my intention to attack you at all.

You weren't rude at all so no worries.

As strange as it sounds I believe that she would be faithful if we end up in a relationship. Of course I realize that "she has done it before", but still I would trust her. I might be looking at all this through rose coloured glasses, though.

I will have a serious talk with her when we meet at the end of August next time. Going to tell her that she should start to make up her mind soon and if it goes my way I want to see some concrete actions, too, and not just these endless little hints of things to come. I just hope that I can stay sane during these weeks before I see her again...

Speaking of hints she today sent me the Blake Lewis - Your Touch song to my email without any text or anything. To me the lyrics really ment just one thing as I have written her a couple of short novelles and other stories, but since I'm a bloke and in love I probably understand everything wrong all the time. Maybe it was just a song she likes and the lyrics have no special meaning to her. Hard to say.

Next time she should send me a guide for how to understand women.

[Moon]

Next time she should send me a guide for how to understand women.

Some of us women need a guide for understanding women

I do agree with Ejoriah though, I really feel for her boyfriend, and I advise you not to blindly trust her so much. Keep your eyes open, love can be a really stupid thing.