Mama Drama

[Moon]

Honestly guys, I wouldn't want my mother coming with me on my trip to visit my boyfriend, either. I mean c'mon, think about it, would you all really be OK with that? I AM somebody's mother and, just...no.

OP, if you've done your research, and you've done a bit of traveling already, and you DO NOT GO DURING WORLD CUP, you might be OK. The thing is, until you're supporting yourself, your mom has a say in what you do, regardless of being 18. I don't know how you can persuade her, she isn't wrong in her feelings really. I think the best you can do is see if there's any way he can get approved for a visa to come here, I'm not sure where Brazil falls in ease of getting a US visa, but I'm assuming not very high up, considering it's a Latin America country, but you could try.

Traveling is great, but it doesn't seem like a viable option for you right now. Maybe you should work on winning your mom over for a while, maybe she'll eventually come around. You could just go and do it anyway, but that could cause big problems at home, and might not be worth the risk. I think you need to take some more time to think about this and plan.

[conejita_hada]

I agree with the others about going to a different country by yourself, as an 18 year old girl and in a country that has recently (still has) political unrest and protests going on. It sounds awesome to go for the World Cup and meet your SO but that also means being in an environment with infinite more dangerous possibilities (drunk football/soccer fans, etc.). Another possibility, if you're in college or going to enter college, maybe look into study abroad programs to Brazil? They don't necessarily have to be in the same city as your SO if he's able to travel within Brazil to meet you, and you could look into a summer or intersession program so that it costs less. I'm also suggesting study abroad if you're in/going-into college because it's a much safer option and could be agreeable to your mother, as well, if you're dead-set against bringing her.

If study abroad isn't an option, try talking to her about going with you. You may not want her to but hey, her going could mean you don't have to pay for everything while on the trip! And if your stepdad goes to, that gives both of them a companion to sight-see with while you have quality time with your SO. Also, think about the different cultures. I don't know about Brazil, in Guatemala where my SO is from, his family loves me after only knowing them a short time but I can't be truly "accepted" yet because they haven't met my family and in Guatemala, if you're exclusively dating, the families meet each other. It doesn't signify wedding bells like it does in the US but rather incorporates the hugely important role family plays in all relationships.

In that sense, really reconsider the idea of asking your mom to travel with you, just for this first trip.

[lyonsgirl]

Honestly guys, I wouldn't want my mother coming with me on my trip to visit my boyfriend, either. I mean c'mon, think about it, would you all really be OK with that? I AM somebody's mother and, just...no.

Yep. If I were going with my family and met up with my boyfriend's family, that would be different. But... traveling with my mom to hang out with my boyfriend? Ew. No thanks. (Quoted only this part because I'm glad I wasn't the only one to think it.)

OP - Moon's one smart cookie. You should listen to her.

[Moon]

I agree with the others about going to a different country by yourself, as an 18 year old girl and in a country that has recently (still has) political unrest and protests going on. It sounds awesome to go for the World Cup and meet your SO but that also means being in an environment with infinite more dangerous possibilities (drunk football/soccer fans, etc.). Another possibility, if you're in college or going to enter college, maybe look into study abroad programs to Brazil? They don't necessarily have to be in the same city as your SO if he's able to travel within Brazil to meet you, and you could look into a summer or intersession program so that it costs less. I'm also suggesting study abroad if you're in/going-into college because it's a much safer option and could be agreeable to your mother, as well, if you're dead-set against bringing her.

If study abroad isn't an option, try talking to her about going with you. You may not want her to but hey, her going could mean you don't have to pay for everything while on the trip! And if your stepdad goes to, that gives both of them a companion to sight-see with while you have quality time with your SO. Also, think about the different cultures. I don't know about Brazil, in Guatemala where my SO is from, his family loves me after only knowing them a short time but I can't be truly "accepted" yet because they haven't met my family and in Guatemala, if you're exclusively dating, the families meet each other. It doesn't signify wedding bells like it does in the US but rather incorporates the hugely important role family plays in all relationships.

In that sense, really reconsider the idea of asking your mom to travel with you, just for this first trip.

Wha??? Now, not only should she bring her mom, but her mom should pay for stuff??? What are you guys thinking?

If you're going to insist she should bring her mom, she should pay for her, too. How can anyone expect her mother to pay for anything when she didn't want to go to Brazil in the first place, and would only be doing so to help out her kid.

[ThePiedPiper]

Wha??? Now, not only should she bring her mom, but her mom should pay for stuff??? What are you guys thinking?

If you're going to insist she should bring her mom, she should pay for her, too. How can anyone expect her mother to pay for anything when she didn't want to go to Brazil in the first place, and would only be doing so to help out her kid.

I hear you. I wouldn't go with my mother on a trip to see my boyfriend and my mother wouldn't go with me, at least, not with the intention of hanging out. I'd definitely bring her along if she so chose, but it would be to do her own thing. I can entirely understand, however, why the OPer would not want her mother going along, and it's not fair for the mother to have to pay out for a trip she didn't ask for.

[Black_Halloween]

You gotta do what you gotta do. I mean if he came to her would her mom not be hanging out with them? Would her mom not be keeping a close eye? Would her mom not be trying to get to know him? Same thing, different location.

[LadyDaemon]

You gotta do what you gotta do. I mean if he came to her would her mom not be hanging out with them? Would her mom not be keeping a close eye? Would her mom not be trying to get to know him? Same thing, different location.

I kinda have to agree with this. Either he goes there and she's around or she goes with and she's around. He's a guy from a foreign country and she's already not comfortable with them meeting in the first place,so what's to say she wouldn't be watching them like a hawk anyway? But,what I do agree with is the fact that mom shouldn't be paying for anything. It's not her trip nor her boyfriend. I don't understand the logic behind that.

[walexis25]

Hahah what a debate that has been created. I came here for some ideas and I have been called naïve. Sorry to say but I am far from naïve. I am fully aware of the HIGH risk of traveling alone, even though I won't be alone, in Brazil. I don't mean to get defensive, but you should know me before anyone calls me naïve. Yes, I could be considered too young to travel alone. And hahah I am the last to be called immature. If you read my first thread you should be aware of the fact that I would not pull the "I am an adult" stunt because in fact that is immature. Now note that this is not for everyone, just the people that called me immature and naïve. I am too lazy to quote xD. Anyways, I do appreciate the inputs. To answer the question why can't he come here first, he could but one of the most important reasons I wanna go to Brazil, other than him, is to see the world cup. I have been waiting for the day it would be in Brazil. If he came here first, we would not be able to afford for me to travel to brazil for the world cup, (a huge dream of mine). And for those who keep telling me about the protest and blah blah...I know. My SO is Brazilian, we talk about these things. He lives in a safer part of Brazil as well. I am the kind of person who likes to live on the edge a bit. But I am not naïve or immature. I don't think everything is rainbow and daffodils. I am actually the last person to think that. BUT ANYWAYS. Thanks to everyone who handled bringing the mom part for me. I mean I would bring her if she was cool about traveling but our last family trip to the Bahamas was a disaster. If you were her daughter you would see why I don't like to bring her many places. But that's another story.
The point of this thread was to get some ideas on easing her way onto seeing that I am capable of traveling alone and that no matter where I go, she wont know if I will be safe. When I head off to college, she wont know, when I'm done with college, she wont know. Safety is an issue everyone for an 18 year young woman. I could get raped leaving to go to work in the morning. Sorry to be alittle vulgar but it's true. And I know there are countless of other things that could happen in brazil, but they could happen here as well. And I can see where it would be scarier If I got kidnapped there because I guess they wouldn't know anything and couldn't look for me but what would be the odds of them finding me here too. Oh goodness I keep sidetracking. Again, the point of this thread was for some ideas but I find myself trying to convince strangers as well as my mother. I guess I will not be able to see the world cup in brazil after your suggestions. I suppose I will have to try to arrange him to come here and ofcourse I WILL be going to Brazil many times in my life, I will just not be able to share this dream with my SO. :/
So thanks guys for the input and the advice, I have taken it into consideration. Much appreciated

[Moon]

Listen, it's not about you being naive, or not knowing what you're doing, or any of that. Of course you could get raped going to work. Those aren't the points. The point is that your mother perceives Brazil as being an unsafe place for her baby to go, regardless of the facts. Your challenge is to convince her otherwise, but as a parent to a 24 year old daughter, I'm being completely truthful when I tell you that's probably not going to happen. My perception is unique in that I completely understand both sides, while others simply don't, because I have an adult daughter, and I travel internationally alone all the time. I am not trying to make you feel bad, but you really might not be able to convince her for a few more years. We all have dreams, but often they stay just that. I do wish you luck though.

[Mírie]

Hm. Is it the World Cup or him you want to see more? Because, echoing what most members have already replied to you, your mother's concerns are legitimate in that:

1. you are young
2. you will be travelling alone
3. during World Cup season

I know you are legally an adult, and view yourself as old and capable enough to travel solo -- and you really may be independent, we really won't be able to tell via computer screens, can we. But -- and this isn't to patronise you -- young people around that age exude a certain...naivete, that just makes them a target and easy prey for those bad people out there. I see them around the city, and even with their massive group of friends (which is a big protection for them), you can just see how unexperienced they are being in a foreign country. And if I can see that, what more could those who are actively looking for a victim see?

And it doesn't help that it's World Cup season where it is surely going to be chaos. Premier League matches cause enough ruckus in a pub in the city as it is; I can only imagine what it's like when the world's best football teams are in one city, and everyone is there to support their teams. They will be mostly drunk and shouting at each other, I presume.

So my suggestion would be -- ask your mum what her concerns are and work from there. Is it because she's never met this guy before? Then tell her that that's why you want her to be there when you two go on Skype. Maybe suggest on going a holiday (you and your mum + stepdad) to meet your boy and his parents on a neutral place -- not in the US, but not in Brazil either, so it's a fair "start" for both sides. Then maybe consider visiting him Brazil after the World Cup, if that is also one of your mum's concerns. Since they've met each other previously AND it's not World Cup season, then maybe the chances of her saying yes would be higher.

[walexis25]

I understand the point and that's why I came here, for some suggestions. I was just defending my character xD. Your input has been most helpful on this thread because you do seem to understand both sides. And if I can ask, when did you start traveling alone internationally? What was your first trip?

This is for moon-sorry I forgot to quote.

[walexis25]

Hm. Is it the World Cup or him you want to see more? Because, echoing what most members have already replied to you, your mother's concerns are legitimate in that:

1. you are young
2. you will be travelling alone
3. during World Cup season

I know you are legally an adult, and view yourself as old and capable enough to travel solo -- and you really may be independent, we really won't be able to tell via computer screens, can we. But -- and this isn't to patronise you -- young people around that age exude a certain...naivete, that just makes them a target and easy prey for those bad people out there. I see them around the city, and even with their massive group of friends (which is a big protection for them), you can just see how unexperienced they are being in a foreign country. And if I can see that, what more could those who are actively looking for a victim see?

And it doesn't help that it's World Cup season where it is surely going to be chaos. Premier League matches cause enough ruckus in a pub in the city as it is; I can only imagine what it's like when the world's best football teams are in one city, and everyone is there to support their teams. They will be mostly drunk and shouting at each other, I presume.

So my suggestion would be -- ask your mum what her concerns are and work from there. Is it because she's never met this guy before? Then tell her that that's why you want her to be there when you two go on Skype. Maybe suggest on going a holiday (you and your mum + stepdad) to meet your boy and his parents on a neutral place -- not in the US, but not in Brazil either, so it's a fair "start" for both sides. Then maybe consider visiting him Brazil after the World Cup, if that is also one of your mum's concerns. Since they've met each other previously AND it's not World Cup season, then maybe the chances of her saying yes would be higher.

Thank you for the suggestions. But the world cup is pretty important to me and I could kill two birds with one stone. And of course, the "legal" age comes with the stereotype that I am naïve. But as you stated, no one would be able to determine that through a single post. I would defiantly surprise some people on here.
hahah Thank you for the suggestion!

[conejita_hada]

Wha??? Now, not only should she bring her mom, but her mom should pay for stuff??? What are you guys thinking?

If you're going to insist she should bring her mom, she should pay for her, too. How can anyone expect her mother to pay for anything when she didn't want to go to Brazil in the first place, and would only be doing so to help out her kid.

I was coming from more of a "family trip" thought, if her mom agreed to make a vacation out of going and not that OP wouldn't have to pay for anything but if they split costs on food, etc. But then, that thought is from my family perspective, including that I really wouldn't mind my parents coming if it was a first visit with a boyfriend since I know they'd allow me to "do my own thing" once they'd met and approved of him. Granted, OP is probably coming from a different perspective.

[digitalfever]

I don't really think there are any alternatives.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't really think there are any alternatives.

See, this is what I think/how I'm feeling. I understand the dream to see the world cup in Brazil, but sometimes things aren't possible immediately. I would love to go work abroad in Australia and my mother is perfectly fine with me travelling alone, but there's only so much I'm able to do right now. Trust me, when you get into college, there are going to be plenty of opportunities for you to travel. I know, I know, I heard students at my university say all the time that they had wanted to travel before college and they can't wait to graduate and be an adult and have the freedom to travel, but student life is the prime time for travel. Where else would I get the freedom to take off for a whole summer or have someone come out for winter break with absolutely no responsibility? So do know that in the next few years of being a student, travel is very possible, especially since many employers and companies who employ students don't always expect them to be around during the school holidays. You stop having that freedom as soon as you graduate and get a "real job."

The thing is, it's not about you or how mature you are (sorry if I ever implied you were naive... I just have been to Missouri and found it to be nothing stellar, but that could be my arrogant California self :lol), but it's about the situation. You've accepted that pulling the I'M 18 AND CAN DO WHAT I WANT card is not going to work for you, and you've accepted that your mother is not the best travel companion and not someone you want to drag along with you to Brazil. Those limit your options as far as how you can convince your mother to let you go to Brazil, especially if she's not willing to talk to your SO on Skype etc. etc. My only other question would be, have you asked her what she would need from you? Have you sat down and flat out asked her if there's some way she'd be willing to compromise so that you're both happy with you going to Brazil? If she says no, then you might need to put your dreams of seeing the world cup on hold. That doesn't mean you won't ever see it, or that in the next 20 years, it won't ever be in Brazil again (unless I'm missing something). It simply means it's not doable for you right now, and maybe focusing your efforts on meeting your SO for the first time should be on... well, finding a way to meet your SO for the first time. Sometimes we have to meet our parents halfway. I was 20 before my mother was fine with me taking off to go meet my ex. Before that, anyone I met from online came here first and stayed with us and she came with me to pick them up. Him coming to visit you might open up opportunities for you to go to Brazil in the future.

I also want to note that being called naive because you've never travelled alone internationally before is not necessarily a bad thing. We're all naive the first time we travel abroad somewhere, no matter how educated we make ourselves. It's a new experience and definitely a learning curve and the only mistake we can make is by deciding we're 100% prepared for everything that could or is going to happen. Going out of the country is far, far different than travelling within it and while you might not be a naive person, depending on how much international travelling you've done, you will always be somewhat naive travelling outside of the country for the first time. My family are avid travellers and going abroad alone was still an experience for me. I'm not saying it wouldn't/won't be a wonderful experience when you go abroad alone, just that it's fine to accept it as a new experience and own it versus needing to tell everyone you're not some naive, silly little girl. I might have skipped over where that was said or implied, but I don't think they meant to be offensive by it!