Possibly never closing the distance?

[Ejoriah]

I agree with malaga. From your last thread you mentioned that he said it was "just" an internet relationship and to me his reluctance to have you move closer (on your own!) is part of that - if you move closer this isn't an "internet relationship" anymore...

I think you should talk to him in person. In-person communication is a lot less frustrating than distance communication imo, because you have the full gamut of tone/body language to rely on, on top of what is actually being said.

[Benni]

Wow, wow, wow!! I think I just fried my brain reading all the responses! All of you have given great thoughts, feedback, and advice. (Mairja, you, and anyone else, can always speak freely with me, no problem!)

It seems to be the general consensus that I may be moving too fast -- yes, there's only been one visit so far and there was the cyber cheating episode. I still check his messages and he DOES talk to the same gals but nothing untoward as of yet. It gripes me that he even just talks to them let alone anything else.

I go from one extreme to the other ------ I want to move up there and be near him. Then, again......... I'm tired of checking up on him and not trusting him, which has really hurt our relationship, so I am tempted to call it off after this next visit. *groan* -- so confused about it all.

[Moon]

Benni, cheating and only having one visit aside, life is too short to waste on someone who never wants to live near you. It seems like he prefers internet relationships, which makes it so he doesn't have to have any real responsibility or change of lifestyle. I don't think you two have the same goals or priorities in this relationship. While I do think you're thinking much to far ahead, too quickly, I'm not sure there's much to resolve with someone who tells you he never wants you there on a more permanent basis. He could change his mind, sure, but is it worth it to you to wait around, hoping that he does?

Have your visit and see what happens. Try to have a great time anyway, but be prepared to move on. If what you ultimately want is someone to share your life with, and have around physically, I don't think he's it. Sorry about that

[Benni]

Thank you so much, Moon! You've pretty much said all that I have in my mind. I'll see how this visit goes and I will feel him out about this issue. If it's never going to go beyond what we're already doing I see no point in continuing the relationship.

(You changed your avatar pic? You are toooo cute! )

[maja]

Thank you so much, Moon! You've pretty much said all that I have in my mind. I'll see how this visit goes and I will feel him out about this issue. If it's never going to go beyond what we're already doing I see no point in continuing the relationship.

(You changed your avatar pic? You are toooo cute! )

I totally agree Moon!!

Everyone pretty summed up what I would have said as well - don't have him drag you on after all the stuff that has already happened.

[Moon]

Thank you so much, Moon! You've pretty much said all that I have in my mind. I'll see how this visit goes and I will feel him out about this issue. If it's never going to go beyond what we're already doing I see no point in continuing the relationship.

(You changed your avatar pic? You are toooo cute! )

I totally agree Moon!!

Everyone pretty summed up what I would have said as well - don't have him drag you on after all the stuff that has already happened.

Awww...thanks, ladies

[Benni]

Ya know, I've been thinking -- he used to talk about marriage/my living with him, spending winters in Cuba together, all kinds of things we'd do in the future -- but since I busted him on the cybersex none of that is brought up and there's a coolness between us, it's not the same as it was before between us. It is less loving. I'm thinking he may thinking the same thing.... have this visit together, enjoy it as much as we can, and then that will be the last of it.

[Mairja]

Personally I think you have made a wise decision Benni. Once the trust has been broken, it's a long hard journey to get it back, and it doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in making that effort.

I hope the visit will be a good one though. Hopefully you can talk everything through so that there are no loose ends and "what if"s. And I'm sorry it came to this, I really am. *hugs*

[Benni]

Thank you so much!

[Benni]

Well! The opportunity to talk about this subject came up over Skype while ago.
We were talking about his garden and how all of the flowers will be gone by the time I get there -- he said he wanted me to come up the end of next June when all was in full bloom.
I said "So, you want to continue this -- just visits 2 or 3 times a year but never going any further." He looked at me like "What?!" So I told him I wanted more eventually but he'd seemed so against anything permanent like living together.

He said "I never said that. Benni, you've only been here one time and it was wonderful. I'm very much looking forward to you coming again and meeting my friends and family this time. If things continue going well this visit, I'd like a 3rd visit then I would consider your moving here to live with me. You said you wanted to move up here and live nearby and that's stupid! If you're going to move up here, eventually, I want you living with me!

I said "I thought you didn't want anyone living with you." He said, "I don't like living with ME but I do it (he laughs)! If we continue like we are, I'd want you here in my home with me. Just calm down and let's take this one visit at a time and see how it goes."

So! When I brought up the subject of my moving there nearby and he changed the subject, I wish he would've said all this then! I guess I jumped to conclusions and now I feel foolish for even bothering ya'll about it. But, I am happy that I know how he feels now.

[Malaga]

I'm really glad to hear that things are going in the right direction after all Good luck with everything!

[Mairja]

Well this sure is good news, and I'm very happy for you and happy I was wrong in my earlier assumptions. Best of luck!

[summerkid]

Very glad to hear it was just a misunderstanding and that you two are actually on the same page It's good that you bothered us all for nothing hehe.. definitely better than if there actually was a problem.
I hope you gave a wonderful visit and a fun time meeting his friends and family.

[Ahava]

Good news!
But what about him chatting to other girls...?

[Benni]

Thank you all so much! Ahava, he never did that again. He has friendly chats with the gals he's been friends with for years but the 2 he was having the cybersex with are rarely on anymore. I think they got the message!