My fiance is moving in with his best friend...who is an exgirlfriend....

[Amberlily]

Hi, Im new to this site, but felt really desperate with the situation going on.

I met my fiance when he was on a work visa in australia. We dated 2 months & lived together 5 months because we knew it was special & wanted to fasttract the relationship before he had to return to Germany. He asked me to marry him the day before he left. He has never been engaged or married. I am recently divorced.

He is love of my life, & he feels the same about me. I trust him completely. He has ALWAYS been honest & open with me, which is why I knew he had a past relationship of 1 year with his now best friend.

She is from Germany, but I also met her in Australia, & like her, & had no bad feelings about the 2 of them.

However, they are both back in Germany. I just returned from a 3 week holiday visiting my fiance and meeting his family, after he returned 2 months ago. We are working on submitting a skilled independent visa so he can return. To save money & find a flat which are scarce in Hamburg, he & his best friend have decided to rent together to save on costs. Now I was ok with their friendship, but extremely uncomfortable with them living together, given their history.

My Fiance has gone out of his way to explain there is nothing between them, and make me feel at ease. He really believes that it is the best solution to getting a flat so he can save & work on returning to Australia. We argued over skype about it & it was horrible. I backed down & said do what you have to do, but Im not ok with it now or however long it goes on.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable?
Much thanks

[TooFarAway]

This remind me of a quote:
"If two past lovers can remain friends it's either they're still in love or never were."
I don't know but I would feel super uneasy about this too. You're not unreasonable. It's not good to hold in your true feelings about this (words from my SO- if something is bothering you, you got to say something). Because the more you hold in what you really want to say- it's going to keep eating away at you and one day you're going to break down. You need to go back and talk to him about this and tell him you're seriously not ok with this. And I mean if he really loves you- he will understand your feelings and your perspective- if it was the other way around, would he want you to be living with your ex?

[Amberlily]

he tells me that their past is non-existant, & has no relevance now. Their relationship was 5 years ago. I dont know if they were in love. I guess so, it was a 12 month relationship. & now they have a close friendship, & you could say they love each other as friends. They call each other brother & sister. My fiance is an only child, never had siblings. They are both mature people, & I had no issue until now. I just feel uneasy about them living together.

[TooFarAway]

I mean whatever he says about their relationship- you're still going to be uneasy no matter what. I mean wouldn't any normal person be even the slightest uneasy about their SO living in with their ex. It just doesn't sound right to me at all xD- living with your ex like commonnnn -that's a whole dangerous trigger of old feelings of love to spark up again.

[maja]

I agree with TooFarAway. You have to tell him. I know how tough flat hunting in Hamburg is, I'm from there and my ex got depressed from not being able to find a proper home.
However I would be super uncomfortable if my boyfriend would be living with his ex, regardless of what he says. If you're not clear about it to him, you will just subconsciously harbour your anger and fear and jealousy, even when you keep telling yourself to be mature and rational about it. Holding grudges (for the lack of a better phrase) will most likely lead to you starting to get angry and bickering about the smallest things and before you know it you both are unhappy. It is such a vicious cycle.
These are your (perfectly understandable) feelings and I think he should respect that - even if that means having to live in Harburg for a while til he finds a decent place.... it will be ok.

[Amberlily]

Maja, my friends have all said the same thing, that its not Ok and Im right to be uneasy. I also fear that it will build up & cause problems in our relationship if it goes ahead.
He just cannot see it at all. He is so sure that nothing would or could ever happen, & is a straight forward solution to his renting problem. He is also in a bad way, going from hotel to hotel, as they book out spending loads of money on this. So I understand its hard, but cant put aside my feelings. Now, he makes me feel bad, as she one of his best friends & fears she will be out on the street if he doesnt live with her. & now has to talk it over with her, that I am not ok with it.

[maja]

Well as I already said, there's no shame in living a bit further out for a while where it's easier finding a place, because let's be honest, public transport is great in Hamburg and in Germany you can even get some money from the state for your commute to work. It does suck for her, too, but if she really is his best friend she will understand because she should want the best for him and unless there's something you don't know or haven't told us that is being in this great relationship with you.
After all you two get along well, so maybe you can talk to her about it as well? Not saying it's not his job to do it, but if it would help, maybe that's an option?

[Amberlily]

Maybe I can add that they lived together 4 months in a shared house with the landlady in Australia as friends before I met my fiance. & nothing happened then.

[libelle]

Maja, my friends have all said the same thing, that its not Ok and Im right to be uneasy. I also fear that it will build up & cause problems in our relationship if it goes ahead.
He just cannot see it at all. He is so sure that nothing would or could ever happen, & is a straight forward solution to his renting problem. He is also in a bad way, going from hotel to hotel, as they book out spending loads of money on this. So I understand its hard, but cant put aside my feelings. Now, he makes me feel bad, as she one of his best friends & fears she will be out on the street if he doesnt live with her. & now has to talk it over with her, that I am not ok with it.

I agree with all of the above. He should respect your feelings ... How would he feel in the same situation in your place? Friends or not, each person has boundaries and the partner should consider them. Maybe they are "just friends" but even if so, there is no need for him to put you under such stress for the one nothing. Can't he find a friend of his to share a flat with? For how long is he planning on living with her?

When you two move in together, will she move in with you as well, since then, likewise if he left now, she wouldn't have where to stay? Stand your ground and don't let him guilt-trip you!!

[Mairja]

I agree with the other posters - I too would be very very uncomfortable having my SO sharing flat with an ex-girlfriend, and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I understand he wants to save money, but honestly, if I were you I'd rather wait for him a while longer instead of him living with an ex.

I don't understand why he's moving from one hotel to another though, surely there are cheaper options? And like Maja pointed out, how about getting a place outside the city center/in a suburb? Also, if his ex has already rented a place that she can't really afford, that's hardly your responsibility. I'm sure he's honest when he says nothing will happen if they live together, but it will be an unnecessary strain on you and by extention on your relationship.

[summerkid]

I would have a hard time with a situation like this. And an LDR is tough enough without added complications. I am sure there are other WG options in Hamburg. He can have a different roommate or roommates. plus all of the other options everbody else mentioned before.

[Amberlily]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it helps me feel that I'm not being unreasonable. Well, he has got it. He spoke to his friend & she instead applies for study & moves to Bremen, & he takes flat on his own. & he made me feel like his number 1 person, no guilt, lots of love & respect.
thanks again, it helped.

[ushiwakafox]

I was just getting ready to reply, but it seems to have settled itself. Very glad things worked out that way!

[MattDavies86]

I would feel the same! I would be constantly worried/scared or what could happen and end up thinking too much, infact it would probably end up causing problems between us.

[Malaga]

I'm glad it got resolved in the best way. I would not accept my SO living with an ex-girlfriend, especially if we were engaged. It has little to do with trust. It's just that some things you just don't do when you're in a committed relationship. It may not be cheating, but it's simply inappropriate. Moving in with your ex is one of those things.