Advice needed (boyfriend just left, future plans, being unhappy..)

[karolinaf]

Hi LDRs!
I'm new to this forum and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not all alone in the LDR world. Feels a little bit better that way.

Anyways, my boyfriend just left Sweden yesterday morning and it feels like I'm going to be sad and close to tears forever. I was an exchange student in the U.S. where I met him, and we've been together for 7 months in a week. It was really hard to leave then, in June, but not even close to how I feel this time. I had so much that I missed about home after being away for 10 months and nothing at home really reminded me of him. But now after spending 3 weeks here with him by my side 24/7, there are memories everywhere. I know he had a tough time when I left too, but now he seems to be more okay than I am. It seems like it's harder to be left than to leave.

Wherever I go now I just feel like crying. I see him everywhere. I can barely eat, which is unusual for me. I keep thinking about the future and how things just seem quite impossible. He has one year left of High School and I have two years, since I missed one at home. He's undecided for college still, but he's been talking about medical/science and would like to study for about 7 years. He's very ambitious. I just can't stop thinking about how that's going to work, since it's very expensive to study in the U.S. and I basically have free education where I live. And long distance for 8+ years? I don't think I could do that. I don't want to have these thoughts and I know that we're both still young and things can change, but it's really hard for me to not think about the future. I'm so in love with him and no one can make me so happy and laugh so much. He's always there for me and things just feel so perfectly right when I'm with him. I don't want to be without him. And I don't want to end things because it SEEMS impossible.

Also, it's hard to find times that we can see each other. Our holidays don't match, except summer and winter break. And other breaks seem too short anyways, one week is not a lot since it takes at least two days to travel -total. Plus it's so darn expensive. I'm trying to distract myself by looking at tickets and stuff for Christmas, where we could be together for 14 days. But it's 20 weeks until then. 140 days. How do you do that? I was without him for a little more than a month before he came here, and I felt okay - but I guess that's because there weren't any memories of him here that could haunt me, like now.

I don't know. I just feel terrible. Skyping makes me both happy and sad. Sometimes I start crying when we talk about random stuff. He wrote so many sweet things on my whiteboard in my room (surprise) that I smile at, but then I feel so alone just a couple seconds later. My mom is worried about me because I don't eat much. Or barely anything at all. I just have this lump in my throat. I keep smelling his shirt and deodorant that he left. I even deodorant my bed so that it smells like him and I feel really pathetic. Also, it really sucks to sleep alone. Yesterday I fell alseep quickly since I was exhausted from barely sleeping for two days (we didn't wanna waste time sleeping the night before he left early in the morning and I couldn't sleep afterwards because I was just crying). I don't really feel like hanging out with my friends either, I don't want them to ask questions and then risk crying like a baby in front of them. But I need distractions. I miss him so much it hurts

I don't know whar you guys have to say about this, but I really need some kind of advice/support. Please don't write that it would be better to end things or something like that because I really can't do that. I love him and I know he loves me. I don't want to let him go.

[Brieasaurus]

There's really nothing to say other than, you can do it. You need to believe in yourself and your relationship to have any fighting hope against all the insecurities and things that come along with being long distance. Keep busy and Christmas will be here before you know it. Things change, maybe he'll decide he doesn't want to go to med school, maybe you'll move there, there's a lot of maybes in life. Just focus on getting through today.

[princessmaria]

It's very possible for things to work out for you two. My SO and I can only meet during summer and winter breaks as well. 23 months later and we're still doing okay! You'd be surprised what you can endure for love. It conquers everything when it's real. I felt much like you feel now when I left my SO on June 29th. I was a horrible, depressed mess. We don't see each other again for another 17wks but we refuse to give up because we know that everything we feel when we're together is real and worth fighting for. There might be some alternatives to the school situation as well. You never know, good things and opportunities for you both may arise later on in your relationship. For now, if I were you I'd focus 100% on school and trying to make the best grades possible so that your options for an extended education (university/college) are less limited. Doing this could bring you guys closer together in the future, you never know. We have to work hard for the things we want most in life, so work hard and don't give up. Like Brieasaurus said, you can do it.

[Moon]

I kinda don't think you'll get much "leave him" advice in this particular forum

Listen, it's hard, really hard, but if you're both strong enough, and want it badly enough, it will work out. You don't want to do the math, it only makes it worse, so just let each day pass, one at a time. I can't tell you how not to be sad (I haven't figured that out myself in over 4 years!), but definitely keep busy, it does help. LDR's are not at all impossible, you just have to be very committed and get used to a lifestyle that's a little different, and be prepared for times of sadness, because they'll happen, often.

The best thing I can advise you is to just go with the flow, don't be too rigid about what you THINK the relationship should be, and do a lot of reading about how others in your situation handle it, like on here. If you can do that, and can get used to being LD, with plenty of trust, respect, and communication, you'll be OK. Good luck, and welcome to LFAD.

[abna1]

Welcome to LFAD

As it's been said already, LDRs are hard. Very hard ! But the good news is that the distance gets easier to handle. He just left yesterday and generally the first 1-2 weeks after visits are the worst. For me, I let myself be sad for a few days. Just let it all out. Then get back into your normal routine. It really helps a lot, when you're busy and time will fly by.

When it comes to the time between visits, I feel your pain. I visit my SO twice a year (if I'm lucky) Currently I have 185 days to go. Sometimes counting the days is not a good idea

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. You can do this !

[amy2307]

I promise you it will get easier! My boyfriend moved to Australia at the beginning or July for 8 - 12 months and it killed. I couldn't eat or sleep, just always crying, I never wanted to leave my room. (I did the deodrant thing too btw, don't feel bad :P ) All I can say is it gets easier. He left about 6 weeks ago, it still hurts, I'm still constantly reminded of him by seeing couples or watching romantic films. But it's at the back of my head now, the best thing you can do is distract yourself. Talk to someone you can trust and let it out, it will you feel better and cutting yourself off from people will only make you feel worse in the long run. I know how hard it is but you will manage I didn't think I'd ever feel better when he left but I do now. You can do it! Good luck

[kittyo9]

Sometimes the going gets tough, and when the going gets tough, "the tough get going," as they say. In other words, you do what you need to do and make the best of it. If this guy is the right guy for you, then understand that it will take some patience and careful planning to go on in your relationship. Sometimes you might not know when you're going to see each other next because things in your own lives are so up in the air. It's okay. You're allowed to be upset and emotional about it, and definitely give yourself the time to readjust to being apart. However, you also need to remember that you both have your own lives that you need to get sorted out before you can start a life together.

I left my SO's country last year not knowing when I was going to see him again. It has been a year since then and we still don't know. There is a vague end goal for us being together-- he wants to go to graduate school here at some point (at earliest, starting in 2014), and I'll probably try to move in with him at that time-- but the steps to getting there are not well defined. He can't travel here because they won't give him a visa, so I have to do all traveling, but my life is so consumed with other things right now that I can't even think of a time that we could both be together and have time off from work and our other responsibilities. I just take it one day at a time, with lots of skype and I love yous and doing things together online (we like to play video games).

[karolinaf]

Thank you so so so much for all the advice and positivity. I really needed that! Turned out that it's exactly as most of you guys said, it gets better. For the first 2-3 days it really didn't feel like it, but I feel much better now. Not perfectly fine, but definitely better. Thank you again. I will hold on.

[GermanyUSA]

Hey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am from Germany and was an exchange student 2012/2013 and I found the love of my life over there. We started dating in Febuary 2013 and I had to leave in June, thank god he got a ticket on my plane and flew back with me. He stayed here for 2 months, we spend like you did 24hours a day together and itwas the best time of my life! He left 3 weeks ago and the first week was misrable but it's fine now. We figured out the best times to skype and still spend a lot of time together. I seriously think, even though we are young, I could stay with him forever if this stupid distance wouldn't be there. We talk a lot about future and moving together and I would love too! BUT it's scary how similar our situatons are. He has 1 more year of HS left, he wants to go to college some day but he wouldn't mind coming out here for a while either, the problem is his german is not good, he couldn't do anything here really. I have 2 or 3 years more school left, i never really wanted to study, I would for him but I couldn't finance studying in the US. I know we would work out if all that wouldn't be in our way, like the previous posts said we probably just wait day by day how everything turns out, still it bugs me. I know how you exactly how you feel, really! Our situations are like 90% the same exact thing! I would love to talk to you more. Have you already made a date for the next visit?
Here some tips me and my boyfriend already figured out:
- Skype! Make time to talk, talk as much as you can. If it's possible a few hours a day.
- Talk about future, that might take your worries away a little bit too and it always makes me super happy thinking about a life togther with Jeremy!
- Figure out the next visit, book the next ticket as soon as possible. It helps and having a "goal" helps a lot trust me!
- Do stuff together! Jeremy and I always watch movies on Saturday. We decided to was series of movies. Once we're done with all Harry Potter Movies it's the end of september, it makes time seem go by quicker and at the beginning on each week you have something to look for ward to!
- Trust each other and don't be jealous !
Good luck! Keep your head up !