Sometimes it hurts to realize reality..

[Tjabby]

So I and my SO had planned a trip this summer, which was supposed to be going to her place for 3 weeks. So I asked my parents about it and they both agreed that I could not go because I had never been on a plane alone before, I got very sad, but I understood them. Then first thing was when I had to deviler the bad news to my SO, she just bursted out crying at the second I told it to her, it was terrible.

A few days went by and we both got "over" the fact that it was not possible for me to come see her this year, and never she was able to come here because of something I'll write later. So we discussed that it was still a fairly new relationship and it wouldn't hurt to get to know each other better and that was a good thing, and that is almost 4 months ago, and I can tell that I know her way better know that I did before, anyway:

We have spend a lot of hours planning on how our meeting next year is going to be. We litterally have almost every little single detail planned expect a few basic things which doesn't really matter. We know which airlines, we know that I'll stay at her place for 3 weeks, then we'll take the plane back together from her place to stay another 3 weeks at my place. We have planned a lot of places we're going to, what we're going to do together at home, our small trips out our town, etc. Everything is planned. Now there's just one thing back.

Both our parents know that we're in a relationship. I've been emailing a lot with her step father actually writing him my life story more or less. My parents know about her too and so on. I haven't really talked too much about our meeting next year with my parents, but they said I could go next year as a gaurantee, so I am certain that I am coming to her, but...

She has an abusive mother. She hits her, screams at her for nothing, gives her scars, threatens her, threatens our relationship.

She once took out their WiFi in their house and took her laptop and phone so we weren't able to communicate at all. She did this for 3 days. It's not like her mother hates me, she has seen me too and all and said that she actually liked the guy her daughter liked which apparently was something rare, but as my SO says she has some mental moody problems, which also includes letting all her anger out on her daughter with no reason at all.

So a few days ago her mother came home and she immediately started to scream and shout at her, and hit her with some wooden spoon. Her mother told her she hated her and that she was worth nothing and that she never would let her come see me or let me stay in their house, never. She also said that she never would let her study in the US. (Which is a very determined plan she has, studying in the US when she have graduated from her current school in Turkey)

Her mother was apparently hitting her really hard with that spoon again, so her step father had to get in and stop them, and her mother just wouldn't stop shouting. It all ended up with my SO and her step sister going to my SO's grandparents staying there for some time, and they're still there right now.

She called me crying really bad after the incident, and told me all this. It made me angry yet so sad. Her mother is insane.

She wants me to come to the US with her in a 3 years time so we can study there together, that has however, never been my plan. I have quite some very good plans here in Denmark of what i am going to do. She says it will be very hard if I don't come with her, and I suppose that's true. She says that she is scared that I will fall in love with somebody else, I try to let her understand that I can't and will not because I love her.

We we're talking about this yesterday. Suddenly she was like "What if we never meet? What it nothing works out?" (We are never mets as you can conclude) And I immediately started to get teary eyes and I just said that everything will work out fine. She told me to promise her to never get out of her life because she can't live without me, even if we arent in a relationship. I know this is probably very naive and such but I really really don't see myself in a relationship with anybody else than her. I promised that I would never let go of her in my life and that she should not let go of me either. I also said that I promised to never leave her and she said that she would never leave me either, only if I fell in love with someone else, then she would. I told her again, that it's impossible, because that person will never have the same things as I have with her.

She noticed my voice had changed she said that she was sorry for upsetting me and she started to cry herself. I told her she didn't upset me, I said that it was just very hard realizing the cold hard reality.

I have realized that there is a chance that we will never actually meet despite us loving each other so incredible much. I have never had such a strong bond with anyone ever in my life and she have this feeling too. We both really really love each other.

We were skyping, and she was very sleepy so she didn't really talk she was more whispering in a very low voice, the most cutest thing ever. As she was doing this I couldn't help but to get tears again. Maybe I would never hear this beautiful voice in front of my face. That killed me.

So yes, the hard reality is that there's a good chance that we might never meet because of her abusive mother and future doesn't seem too bright too because she wants to study in the US at NYU and she wants me to go with her, which I really want to, but not sure at all I can do that. We can only meet each other every summer break..

I don't know what to do, everything doesn't seem to bright about our future.

It's hard to face reality sometimes. I don't want to lose this beautiful person. She is the only person I have ever felt that really loved me.

[princessmaria]

Oh wow, I'm sorry to hear all of that.
It doesn't mean that it's impossible for you two to meet. Some people have to wait a little longer before they get to meet their SO's. The struggle is different for every LDR and yours might be a little more difficult to overcome than others, but it's still very much possible. How old is your SO? You two will meet as long as you're willing to fight to make it happen and you have the patience to endure the distance. "Real love conquers everything", so don't give up just yet. You shouldn't accept this as "reality", just see it as a hurdle you and your SO need to get over at the moment.

[Tjabby]

Thanks for your reply.
I might have been exaggerating a bit on that impossible to meet thing, because her mother is not going to be in charge of her, her whole life. Her parents want her to study in Italy after she's graduating, but she wants to go to the US, I kind of hope that she will go to Italy because that would be way easier for me to get there and study with her. She once said that it would be very hard to do this LDR if I don't get with her to her new studying place. I don't know if she would give up, I hope not, I can only speak for myself and I know that I will not despite whatever happens. Hopefully she thinks the same. My SO is 17. 6 months younger than I.

[Moon]

Unfortunately, your ages are going to be against you for the next few years, but I promise you, this stuff gets easier as you get a bit older. What's impossible at 17 becomes very possible at 19, 20, 21. If you're both committed enough, and you can both be patient, your time will come. Don't change your educational goals though, getting into the US isn't exactly easy, and it'll be easier for you than her, that's something she may not be able to do, especially without her parents support. I realize it must seem so awful and disappointing at the moment, but you have to look forward to a few years, and plan for that. Sadly, if her mother has some mental issues, there's not much you can do about that one, but be grateful her stepfather seems normal, and wait it out. Stay strong and good luck.

[digitalfever]

Her dream doesn't have to be your dream. I would suggest continuing with your goals and working towards them in Denmark.

You may never meet and that's OK. However, I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

[LittleBox]

LDRs take a lot of you and the fact that she's got issues with her mum will no doubt weigh both of you down considering she's using you emotionally to cling to. There's only so much you can do from a distance and I know it must make you feel hopelessly helpless in times like that. Worrying about falling in love with someone else just because there's a distance between you two isn't going to help your cause one bit. Her heart has to be in strengthening your relationship.

You've got to take it step-by-step and plan for the future within reasonable limits. You can still be together and work around visiting during school holidays and both pursue your education dreams. As Moon said, at such a young age the odds seem like they're against you but as you grow older you'll have more flexibility and if you stick it out through the rough patches you'll make it in the end.

[libelle]

Hey My SO is from Denmark too! I am sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. I am sure you will find a way out though. Until next summer a lot of things can change! Since how long does her mom know about your relationship? In the beginning I am sure very few parents of people in LDR are actually supportive, and surely the ones who have mental and mood problems, like your SO's mom, have even more problems accepting this reality. But there is one year until next summer and I suggest you just let the information that you are coming for a visit sink in a little, her to not let the topic be forgotten but also not bringing it up too often because anyway for now it will only cause more stress in her family environment.

I also think a key figure in you two meeting next summer is her stepdad. He seems more willing to communicate and cooperate with you two, which is good, you have a person on your side there! Maybe by some more talking with you and getting to know you better he will be able to speak her mom into not making a problem out of it. Also, you may want to speak to him about your SO's mom being abusive - as a sane adult he should act responsibly and help your SO when she doesn't have anyone else physically around .. Also discuss this with her wife, as such behaviour isn't acceptable in a healthy parent-child connection.

Now for the studying, if no one is willing to make compromise now, it will be hard yes, but it is not impossible that you two actually stay together during the university years. In my opinion though, or at least what I would do, is try to work toward some compromise. I am not saying for her to quit her education, nothing such at all. But in order for you two to eventually close the distance (which I believe every LDR couple strives toward) one of you will need to do the compromise to move to the other... If you or she isn't willing to do it now, what makes you think you/she would be willing to do it after that? My SO and I aren't together because he can't move because of his contract in the army, and because what I am studying isn't taught in Denmark in english. But I am starting courses in danish this October and looking forward to being able to move to him after havin finished my Bachelor's.
As a first step look for both of your universities having Erasmus for your programs. This might bring you together for one year each during your degrees. As a second step, if I were her, I would consider looking at European universities, which aren't worse than American. What does she want to study? There are a lot of programs in english here too, the USA isn't the only country where you can study in that language. You might want to look for these too, no one said she has to be the only one to move I am suggesting universitities in Europe because I am sure, like others mentioned, she will get in one of those easier, and also there will be a bigger chance that you both get accepted. And so on. Basically try to imagine yourself in 5 years. I am "for" one of you moving to the other one now because in 3 or 5 years, you will already have built a certain amount of friends in your university/city circle, might also have some good suggestions for work in your areas too. Bonds with new friends there and job opportunities might make the desire to move even smaller. Just saying. It is early, but I don't think it is a bad idea to discuss it. Good luck!!