Can anyone help me with this?

[amy2307]

Hi everyone,

I've posted on here a few times about things with my boyfriend but I really really need help right now.

I met Alex through my best friend. Her boyfriend Steven was Alex's foster brother so we were all very close.

Steven killed himself last week. My best friend is absolutely devastated and broken and is a risk to herself right now. She has very little support from anyone but me so I have to stay with her in case she hurts herself, I don't mind staying with her, I love her and want to be there for her no matter what. It's very hard to support her though, I mean there's nothing I can do. All she wants is Steven and I understand that. It's hard being the only person to look after her, I need help to take care of her but I can't be there constantly although I wish I could. Alex's family have been a huge help this week but they live far away which makes things difficult.

Alex is still in Australia and won't be back til March. He loved Steven and is very hurt by all of this, I don't understand why he won't come back to be with us and his family right now, he has noone out there and doesn't really HAVE to stay, he could fly back at any time. It's frustrating that noone is here.

I can't look after my friend by myself. She's suicidal, what the hell can I do to help her on my own? I need help to help her. I need Alex here. We broke up recently but after this we're together again. We love each other very much, but he keeps saying he can't come home even though he can. Sarah wants him back here as well, like I said we were all close and he would be a huge help for her right now.

I'm angry and I know that's wrong of me. This situation is horrible and I need to be strong for Sarah but I'm finding it tough. I really can't deal with this alone, she needs as many people as possible by her side right now and I'm one person.
Where is everyone??
Anyway. If anyone has been through anything similar and can offer advice that would be amazing. And if anyone thinks I'm being a selfish bitch please tell me and be honest, I really don't know anymore. I'm just super stressed and exhausted.
Thanks,
Amy

[maja]

Hey, first off, I am so so sorry to hear about your friend and the added pain and stress this is causing you.
It is incredibly hard trying to take care of someone who is in some deep emotional pain when you yourself have issues to deal with i.e. you dealing with the break up, getting back together and last but not least Steven was a very close friend to you as well.
I have taken care of my anorexic, depressive best friend as well as my depressive ex boyfriend time and time again while being depressive and suicidal myself. I can't give you any self-experienced advice as I never got any help with it and never quit and always tried pushing trough until I ended up in a psychiatric clinic myself.
So my advice is this, do not try and help her alone. She needs support and not providing it would make you a bad friend, but you have to look after yourself a little as well.
1. What about her family, why aren't they there to help? Same goes for Steven's family.
2. What about other friends that are closer than your SO? Is there anyone she feels comfortable around that you could ask to come take over for a while so you get time to breathe?
3. Why did you and your SO break up and why does this mean that you are now back together?

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to come back because he is trying to deal with it by not getting confronted with it more, if you get what I mean. I'm pretty sure this is not about not wanting to be there for and with his friends but mainly him trying to cope with it by staying away. He is probably scared of how much your and Sarah's emotions are going to confront him with the reality of Steven's death. Also maybe, and I only say maybe, have you considered that he doesn't want to get back with you or something like that and is afraid he will be sort of defaulted into getting back together if he comes to help and support?
On another note, if I was completely off there, what about the funeral? Is your SO not going to come for that? Maybe that's something you should ask him, as it is more related to Steven than to Sarah and perhaps he does not want to be responsible for Sarah.

These are just some random thoughts that came to my mind when reading your post. All I can say is think of yourself, get help for your friend as well as for yourself and stay strong.
Again, I am really sorry, sending lots of love and strength your way, PM me if you need someone to talk or to help you.


EDIT: I misread or skimmed through, anyway, I just realised that Alex's family is also Steven's family, correct?
So what is their opinion on why he isn't coming back?
I still maintain you should really consider looking for help and support elsewhere i.e. other friends.

[amy2307]

Thank you so much for replying
Yeah, Alex's family fostered Steven when he was 13 and he lived there for four years but they stayed in touch. They live about 60/70 miles away from me and Sarah which makes things awkward but they are in touch by phone. Sarah's family are useless, they've pretty much left it all up to me which makes me angry. Plus Sarah and I don't have any other close friends really. We're quite isolated so it's really hard, I'm trying to get Sarah to consider counselling when she's ready.
The funeral is next week, a few of Alex's family members and Steven's college friends will be there but not many people we know will be there. Alex won't come back for it. We broke up because he thought it would be too hard to make it work and I guess it was kind of mutual in the end but we stayed in touch, he left 2 months ago. I really don't know why he won't come back, he's considered it but he won't. He can't deal with his emotions and holds things in so I have no idea what he's thinking. I know he loves me, he says all of this has made his feelings stronger and that he misses me more than anything. I just don't understand him.
But thank you so much for your reply, I'm sorry to hear that you've had such hard things to deal with too. I was in a psychiatric ward when I was younger, thats how I met Sarah. We've both struggled with depression and anxiety a lot.
I'm only 20 so I'm quite scared about what else life will throw at me and Sarah. Steven was only 18, this whole situation is really heart breaking for everyone who knew him and so hard to deal with.

Your advice has helped, I don't have many people to talk to about this so thank you

[maja]

Mhm you could confront him with (my) your theory that he is trying to avoid facing reality? He will probably get angry at you for it, but in the end come to terms with it and possibly come back?
I am not a professional so I have no idea if that is actually a good idea, though I believe he will very much regret not attending the funeral in hindsight.

This sounds a bit stupid I guess, but is there any sort of helpline you can call? It's a bit weird talking to a total stranger but sometimes talking helps and they probably will be able to provide you with more information on places to get help for you and Sarah, I'm sure London has a lot to offer in that respect.

www.samaritans.org.uk Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline)

www.papyrus-uk.org Young suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141

www.sane.org.uk Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6pm-11pm)

Brook - 0808 802 1234
Confidential helpline for people under 25
Free (Calls from mobiles may vary), Mon to Fri: 9am-5pm

These are some I dug up on the internet that seemed to somewhat fit..

[amy2307]

Thank you so much for your help!
I will try to talk to Alex about that, I think you're right about him avoiding reality, he is a bit like that and I agree that he would regret missing Steven's funeral.
I will try one of those helplines as well and see what they say, it's worth a try.
Thank you