How to avoid fights on LDR

[cheese_cakeblue]

HI I'm a newbie here i just want to ask some advice on how to avoid arguments or fights on LDR.. We've been together for 1yr & 6mos.. we got engaged last July 2011. My problem is, nowadays, we cannot surpass a week without a fight and it's upsetting... I know we both love each other but when a small thing came up... The argument started. It's either I take it negatively or (accdg to him) he just speak what's on his mind...

Sometimes, he presume that I'm busy, but on my end..I'm not..

He presume that I'm ignoring him just because im not at focus, not answering his statement.. Whenever i asked him to repeat what he said he will end up saying " do u understand what's coming from my mouth"?

If my question became repetitive, he will get easily irritated..

Whenever I justify or defend myself that his presumption is wrong, most of the time my fiance is telling me that i take things out of proportion, ranting and i am so defensive (doesn't want to listen). Can't help but to get mad when he is telling me that..I end up ranting.. and sometimes, i posted on facebook which he doesnt like of course (he felt im attacking him & did not care what he will feel)

And I don't understand, sometimes the situation is flipping. I am mad at first but when he replied it's the other way around... Ending, im always the bad guy

One time (early morning my time), When were on skype and he saw my eyes keeps moving around (accdg. to him) he will immediately presume that I'm busy and will bring it up to me and will sounded like he wants to end our conversation for me to continue what "i am doing", when in fact im just looking at myself on lower right of skype and go back to the screen..

there are times when we had heated argument and he cannot do anything to stop me from talking he throwed his mobile in front of me (skype) and uses some harsh word like (b*tch ; WTF). Or just close the laptop... He reminded me that he got it from me because i hang up on him..I did not hang up on him...Instead of saying harsh words, i will tell "i cannot talk right now" then end the call...

I don't know what to do anymore I don't want us to have a fight but it keeps getting worst..

[Bex2804]

Oooooo I know all about this xD When you feel an argument starting just say, I think we should talk later or something, give yourself some time to gather your thoughts and then go back to the conversation, because there is nothing worst that having an argument just because you haven't had time to think it through. I was going through something similar to this a few days ago and nearly broke up with my SO because of it.

[Chlo]

Hey, welcome to the forums!

Please don't take any of this the wrong way!

To me, this seems quite destructive.
You both seem to get easily offended and angry, which isn't good for either of you.
Have you tried talking to him about all this in a calm way?
Couples will argue, there is no way to stop them disagreeing on things, we're all human... It's just the way you handle yourself during these disagreements which will help you not argue.
If you really don't feel like either of you can talk about problems, rather than become rather childish about the situation (ie. hanging up on each other, or just harsh language), then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship and ask yourself if you can cope with such things for the rest of your lives.
In another case, are you both just picking fights with one another because you get bored? When you talk about him wanting to 'end the conversation' because you look busy.. It might be a cry for attention, if you weren't talking to him, or not paying him a lot of attention, he may call you out on that, just so that he gets a response from you... Again, quite childish, but it might be the only way for him. You should ask him about it.

I hope this has helped!
Best of luck.

[cheese_cakeblue]

Oooooo I know all about this xD When you feel an argument starting just say, I think we should talk later or something, give yourself some time to gather your thoughts and then go back to the conversation, because there is nothing worst that having an argument just because you haven't had time to think it through. I was going through something similar to this a few days ago and nearly broke up with my SO because of it.

HI bex 2804 thank u for taking the time to read my post sorry to hear you broke up with ur SO i wish i had argument signal but i always got surprise of sudden mood changes it's hard for me to get back on track..fyi,we always talk everyday morning & night on skype & ym during lunch...

[Isla]

Hiya! Welcome to the site.

If you are talking every morning, during the day and evening on skype, then perhaps you both need a little bit of space? The issue with LDRs is that they can really take up a lot of your time. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that too many hours on skype can lead to arguments. Apart from anything else you can run out of things to say, and end up picking fights out of frustration. You'll also miss out on some of the things that are going on in your immediate world if you allow yourself to get too consumed by that many hours online. Try not to stop doing what you were doing before your LDR began.

It's quite nice to allow yourselves time to miss eachother-- you want to feel that sometimes. It's good to miss your SO. That's my two cents, anyway. This is my second LDR, and I am so much happier in my current relationship-- we just talk for an hour before we go to sleep. I think I grew to resent my ex for taking up so much of my time. He would get quite angry if we didn't talk for seven or so hours every night, and I hate that I let that become our pattern for two years. It really effected my relationship with my friends and family, as I would often turn down invitations for fear of upsetting him. Ugh.

[cheese_cakeblue]

Hey, welcome to the forums!

Please don't take any of this the wrong way!

To me, this seems quite destructive.
You both seem to get easily offended and angry, which isn't good for either of you.
Have you tried talking to him about all this in a calm way?
Couples will argue, there is no way to stop them disagreeing on things, we're all human... It's just the way you handle yourself during these disagreements which will help you not argue.
If you really don't feel like either of you can talk about problems, rather than become rather childish about the situation (ie. hanging up on each other, or just harsh language), then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship and ask yourself if you can cope with such things for the rest of your lives.
In another case, are you both just picking fights with one another because you get bored? When you talk about him wanting to 'end the conversation' because you look busy.. It might be a cry for attention, if you weren't talking to him, or not paying him a lot of attention, he may call you out on that, just so that he gets a response from you... Again, quite childish, but it might be the only way for him. You should ask him about it.

I hope this has helped!
Best of luck.

Hi Chlo thank you for taking the time to read my post No worries,i'll take ur advice by heart I agree with you, this became destructive i admit i easily got offended, coz there are times where in im in the mood to share things and he is not interested or something came up which makes him in bad mood.. he will just "okay" "uh huh" "yes love" and if i got unluckily repeat the same question i asked that day he will say " u asked that question again".. on my end,i'll just shut my mouth coz i can't bear another words from him and when i became quiet, there will be a dead air of course and the argument will start... And when i ask him, is everything ok, he will say yes..i dont know u..maybe ur busy..

For me, It's kinda irritating that, how can be a person tells u ur busy if u know the only reason i got online is bec. of him?? my composure not to have argument was crushed..what im gonna do is to explain/justify everything but his view on that..is im ranting and i dont listen to him... all i want is for him to realized that everything im doing is for him but he took it differently

so my solution is to stop talking on skype by saying " i think we should not talk right now" and he seem doesn't like it.. he is saying i always hang upon him...My God if I will not do that im gonna have heart attack

sorry if u found me ranting.. i just need someone to talk right now

[cheese_cakeblue]

Hi Islathank you for taking the time to read my post we just communicate in skype morning (when im going for work) and evening (if he is going for work) it's just 30min,just to say take care & have a great day... i agree with u about the too many hrs on skype leads to argument before, its ok w/ him that im waking up by 10am (7pm)on his time..but 2 weeks ago, when we had argument..he complained about it, saying i dont know my priorities.. until now i got hurt and we spent half day of SUnday on skype.. i literally blocked that schedule for him..

You know, i wanted to discussed it with him but im sure he will not like the idea he will say,just tell me if you dont want to see my ugly face.. i dont know what to do anymore..arrrghhh!! im doing the best i can to make our relationship happy and peaceful.... but it didn't happen

i also add him on my FB, at first was ok..we share knowledge on games... but later on,it became a problem sometimes,he will say..."ohh ur onlineon fb, who's ur chatting with?" (and to be honest, FB loaded at first before ym..) of course, im gonna say "no love,FB just loaded" his reply: "okay,i know ur busy..bye for now" arrgghhh!!

I love my fiance and i will do every adjustment i can..but sometimes or most of the time..my patience loosen up

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with Isla and Chlo. Another thing is that the both of you need to find more constructive ways to have arguments. He NEVER has a right to call you names like that and you need to let him know that. If he starts to get disrespectful towards you with his words or anything else,you need to shut him down on the spot and tell him,"I know you're upset at me right now,but you don't have a right to speak to me that way and if you keep going I will end this conversation". Also,you need to ask yourself if there is any truth to what he's saying about your over reactions to things. Sometimes we over react to situations and don't realize it at the time it's going on. I also understand where your SO is coming from about posting about your fights on FB. If my SO was posting about our fights on FB for everyone and their mother to stick their nose into then I'd be upset too. It's nobodies business what's going on in YOUR relationship. Letting everyone on FB know what's going on in your relationship every time you have an issue invites trouble. Don't do it.

[cheese_cakeblue]

hi Lady Daemon thank you for taking the time to read my post Whenever he used bad words i shut him up.. and he immediately apologized but of course, he explode bec. of me :/ regarding FB, i did not post anything about our argument, what im trying to say earlier if he saw me online on FB first instead on YM, he will immediately think that im talking to somebody before him.. I admit i reacted so much,bec. i cant bear his sarcasms i tend to lash back bec. i dont like him treating me that way...

i admit i posted on FB, but it was just a quote in relation to our argument bec. i really feel bad.. but he didn't like it

most painful part is he is my happiness and everything but he is also the person who hurts me

[Moon]

The best advice I can give you is this...Don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously, not everything is worth fighting about, sometimes you have to let the unimportant things, like a seemingly sharply worded comment, or one of you being a little quiet, go. Last night, for example, I was talking to my guy about a quitting smoking book I had just finished, I started saying "I'd send it to you, but..." and he very sharply replied, cutting me off, "I don't wanna read it, I don't have time for that!", I wanted to get sarcastic and come up with my own irritated reply, but I gave it a minute and realized it was his first day back to work from vacation, he was exhausted and not in a great mood, so I let it go and changed the subject. I was a bit pissed, but I was over it by the time the conversation ended. It wasn't worth fighting about.

You don't have to reply to his anger with anger, stay calm and if it gets too heated, especially over something stupid, just end the call. Oh yeah, keep the arguments OFF OF Facebook, it's embarrassing to everyone.

[cheese_cakeblue]

Hi Moon thank you for taking the time to read my post you're right i should not reply anger with anger & sweat small stuff

i should also learn how to control my emotions

[Karoshi]

Hey Cheese, welcome to our community!

I know EXACTLY what are you talking about because my SO is kinda the same as yours. We also had arguments like this, but I think I found the solution that works for us. We had exactly the same problems as you - had fights about stupid little things, when we had different opinion... One time we discussed something (I think it was our opinion on electronic books, lol), he disagreed with me and when I defended my opinion he just got mad, said "fuck you" and went offline The key is not to take it too seriously (unless, of course, is some crucial thing like opinion on marriage, raising kids etc, but I think you have time for that). Of course you have your own opinion, but say it in calm, reasonable way, like "yes, I understand your opinion, in my point of view it's different, but I get your point". You don't have to change his opinion. I found out that even if you disagree with him (and you have every right to), you don't have to make him understand that he's wrong, sometimes I just say "OK honey, you are right" and leave it be. Hope it helped a little, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more