Well, my long distance relationship has been marred by many fights. And today, a new one sprouted and I've been having a lot of doubts about this. I feel that I'm losing more and more interest in this, and though she claims to love me very much, there are times when I see that she is acting very selfishly and is dismissive when I try to talk things out with her.
The basics of the situation come down to a few details. Firstly, the app we use to text allows you to see when the other person is "online" and "last seen". It's happened before, including today, that I text her and I get no response for an extended period of time, but I see her online and last seen constantly updating. She even admitted today that she is texting others (I must point out she uses this app a lot with her family, too). However, today the way she was texting me felt very cold and dismissive.
Now, when we spoke on the phone later, I tried bringing it up. I told her that she was pushing me away because I can see her online and she isn't responding to my texts. She simply said "yeah, ok". This has been an issue before between us, and it doesn't feel good at all because she has pushed me away many times before, sometimes in worse ways (much worse). As we were talking, she brought up that I have had issue with this before (the app and her being online and not taking to me) and that she feels controlled. I tried explaining to her that it's not controlling and that there wasn't any logical connection to what I was talking about. She tool that very personally saying that I was saying her feelings aren't logical, that I am being disrespectful to her feelings, and ignoring her feelings.
At that point, her tone of voice was becoming harsher and she kept saying that she was going to hang up. I insisted, calmly, that we communicate. I told her that to me the relationship and love is more important than ego, and that I am willing to clarify what I was saying and that I did not mean to dismiss her feelings. However, I was still looking to have her see my experience of being pushed away and that it isn't controlling. At this point she kept insisting and her tone kept getting harsher about me being disrescpectful and dismissing her feelings. Of course, the conversation ended there.
Immediately after that, I saw that I can't see if she is online or "last seen" anymore, and this app, the only way to do that, is to block the person. This means she is blocking me to make sure I can't see when she's online or not.
That's more or less the crux of what happened.
So, here's where I want opinions on, please: to me, it seems that she wasn't willing to see what I was feeling and trying to say, and she found a way to make this about her and to make me as the irrational one, the "bad one". Why? To me, this whole thing is completely irrational. I had something I wanted to talk about, and bring to her attention. If she understood that I was being pushed away by her for no reason, why couldn't she have said "I'm sorry, and thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'll try to communicate better." ? Instead, she found a way to turn this around and make it about her. She said things like "you just called to fight" and other things that I find hurtful and irrelevant to what we were talking about. I feel like she has to somehow be in control of the issue, and isn't willing to put aside her issue?
But then she says she loves me so dearly. Again, this isn't the first time this pattern plays out. I want to talk about something, and somehow, because of her stubbornness or ego or whatever, it turns into a fight.
I feel very let down by her, hurt, and increasingly disillusioned by how she handles disagreements. In my opinion, this is all so stupid, but hurtful since I don't seem to have to freedom in this relationship to speak up when I see she could do better in the way she is treating me.
Thanks in advance to your replies and support.
The basics of the situation come down to a few details. Firstly, the app we use to text allows you to see when the other person is "online" and "last seen". It's happened before, including today, that I text her and I get no response for an extended period of time, but I see her online and last seen constantly updating. She even admitted today that she is texting others (I must point out she uses this app a lot with her family, too). However, today the way she was texting me felt very cold and dismissive.
Now, when we spoke on the phone later, I tried bringing it up. I told her that she was pushing me away because I can see her online and she isn't responding to my texts. She simply said "yeah, ok". This has been an issue before between us, and it doesn't feel good at all because she has pushed me away many times before, sometimes in worse ways (much worse). As we were talking, she brought up that I have had issue with this before (the app and her being online and not taking to me) and that she feels controlled. I tried explaining to her that it's not controlling and that there wasn't any logical connection to what I was talking about. She tool that very personally saying that I was saying her feelings aren't logical, that I am being disrespectful to her feelings, and ignoring her feelings.
At that point, her tone of voice was becoming harsher and she kept saying that she was going to hang up. I insisted, calmly, that we communicate. I told her that to me the relationship and love is more important than ego, and that I am willing to clarify what I was saying and that I did not mean to dismiss her feelings. However, I was still looking to have her see my experience of being pushed away and that it isn't controlling. At this point she kept insisting and her tone kept getting harsher about me being disrescpectful and dismissing her feelings. Of course, the conversation ended there.
Immediately after that, I saw that I can't see if she is online or "last seen" anymore, and this app, the only way to do that, is to block the person. This means she is blocking me to make sure I can't see when she's online or not.
That's more or less the crux of what happened.
So, here's where I want opinions on, please: to me, it seems that she wasn't willing to see what I was feeling and trying to say, and she found a way to make this about her and to make me as the irrational one, the "bad one". Why? To me, this whole thing is completely irrational. I had something I wanted to talk about, and bring to her attention. If she understood that I was being pushed away by her for no reason, why couldn't she have said "I'm sorry, and thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'll try to communicate better." ? Instead, she found a way to turn this around and make it about her. She said things like "you just called to fight" and other things that I find hurtful and irrelevant to what we were talking about. I feel like she has to somehow be in control of the issue, and isn't willing to put aside her issue?
But then she says she loves me so dearly. Again, this isn't the first time this pattern plays out. I want to talk about something, and somehow, because of her stubbornness or ego or whatever, it turns into a fight.
I feel very let down by her, hurt, and increasingly disillusioned by how she handles disagreements. In my opinion, this is all so stupid, but hurtful since I don't seem to have to freedom in this relationship to speak up when I see she could do better in the way she is treating me.
Thanks in advance to your replies and support.
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