How many times have you met before tying the knot?

[AndyK]

Hi guys,

I'm new here but I was just curious, how many times have you visited/lived with each other before getting married. Has anyone actually gotten married on 1st or 2nd visit? I have noticed a lot of folks here are from well off countries either close by or where spending thousands on plane tickets and what not is apparently not such a big deal, just a few months of work right? But In my case - the cost of one trip is basically my yearly income, if lucky. And I know for sure, for the next at least 5 years that is unlikely to change simply because I live in a much poorer part of the world and because of other reasons out of my control. My SO however, lives in one of the wealthier countries and able to help out with it, at least partially but only once. She is soon going to rent her own place so there will be enough expenses to deal with already. There is also strict visa laws on how long I can come for and how often. Coming to me isn't an option either, at least not for now as it is even more costly and complicated. Ive tried looking for work there but I am not a EU citizen so I couldn't even work without a permit. We thought, since it is so difficult is it actually possible to get married on first visit and get approved to stay? If not on first, is it ok on 2nd or 3rd? We've been in LDR for about 2 years now so we know nearly everything about each other and are more than confident that we don't want to be separated after a few weeks of my visit. However, I understand it may look crazy in the eyes of officials. So I'm just curious if anyone's been in the same situation? What is the actual minimum amount of visits required to not be seen as fraud? Thanks.

[TwoThree]

It strikes me as a very bad idea, what you're proposing to do. Getting married on your first visit? Before you even figure out how good a fit you are in person? It happens that relationships that begin online turn out to be a disaster upon meeting one another. There are examples of that on this very forum!

I get where you're coming from. I come from a "poor" country and my SO is from a "wealthy" one. It's not until we got married that I started accepting financial help from him, though. Also, we got married on my SEVENTH visit, four years after we got together and three years after we met for the first time.

I'll be honest and say that to me it sounds a bit suspicious that you want to marry her during the first visit. And I can guarantee that it will sound just a suspicious to immigration authorities who aren't just going to give you "approval to stay". They'll scrutinize your residency application looking for proof that the relationship isn't genuine. Give yourself some time. Build a history together. Get a second job (if you already have one) and save as much money as possible to be able to visit her a few times. It's what I have done, you know. I doubt your economic conditions are that much worse than mine.

[Zephii]

I hear you on expenses. It cost me 1/3rd of everything I earned in a year to make my first visit - and I'm from a wealthy country. I can't imagine what it'd be like if I wasn't. But with that said, I'd never dream of saying yes if he'd proposed to me on the first visit - and we'd known each other online more than four years.

To answer your original question, we had two visits, (one of two months, one of two weeks) and then lived together a little over a year before he proposed, and then we lived together another year before marrying.

What it comes down to, sadly, is a lot of hard work - often working jobs you don't like or living with people you don't like (which considerably lowers your living costs) - and a few years of patience. If it means enough to both of you, you will find a way, you will make the money.

On the visa front, first world countries are very picky about people who look like they are just trying to get into the country. You really do need to prove everything and they do judge you on how real your relationship looks. Marriage doesn't hold as much weight as you'd hope, anyone can get married, and it's only a small part of your relationship history together.

I know this isn't what you want to hear I know it's hard. I've done it and am still doing it. (It takes a long time too) But it's worth it. And if it isn't worth it, if she's not worth the time, effort, money, stress... you shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Best of luck

[AndyK]

Alright thanks for your inputs.

[lucybelle]

Agree with the two ladies. My SO and I lived together about 2 years before getting married. Were sacrifices made? Of course. When my SO moved to me he was on a visitors visa and therefore couldn't work. That meant I supported him for 6 months. Then we decided it was best for me to move to his (poorer) country because it would be easy for me to get a job.

My point- you need to build a solid relationship before even thinking about getting married. It will require sacrifices and lots of money, but it's an important step.

[kiara_silver]

For me and my SO were not married yet. (But have the date and venue booked, so will be 2015) So far we've had 6 visits, I didn't realize that now till I counted. Were blessed to be able to do this, his parents are supportive and helpful, and I have family here letting us stay rent free, otherwise we probably wouldn't have been able to do as much. This time in between he's coming down, and were having a baby. With probably 1-3 more travelling back and forth before we get married. But it's been hard, figuring out and finding options, the immigration laws arn't easy, and you have to show a lot of proof that your relationship is real and solid. I know it's hard we waited 2 years to meet too, all I can say is be patient and just keep working while you can.

[SquishyLove]

Pretty much what Zephii said. It's a lot of hard work and sacrifice to be with your long distance SO when visas and international travel are involved. You either accept that this person is worth the time, money, and effort, or you decide to just be online friends because you can't or won't commit to it. It's really up to you guys. A lot of people here had to work a lot to save the money for visits and travel. We were both lucky enough that my father-in-law was able and willing to help out financially with our travel expenses. When you don't have someone in the family like that willing to help out with the money aspect, then it's up to you to decide if you want to try and take on extra hours at work or pick up a second job to raise the funds on your end of things. It will look INSANELY suspicious if you get married on the first visit.

[AndyK]

Btw, to a lot of you saying - we lived together for x number of years before that... Well, like I said, none of us could just simply "move in" together because visa laws won't allow it for over 1-2 months each half a year, if lucky. It's also not a question of committing, we will wait as long as it takes, however, from what we've researched there is actually no law forbidding to get married on first visit, that's why I asked. After all, there are people who do this in real life too after knowing each other for much shorter periods of time. So I didn't ask advice on whether it is right thing to do from a relationship standpoint because it's our decision to make. All I asked was whether it was realistic or not to prove it to authorities and whether there have been examples of other couples having done this before.

On second note, I work as much as I can, however there are certain circumstances out of my control. Please guys, don't try to make it sound like I'm not working hard enough before actually knowing anything about me. It also sounds very conceited when at the same time you write: "we worked hard, but we were lucky parents helped out etc...".

I understand however, if it is 100% going to lead to a refusal for residence then yea, there is no point to risk ruining everything.

[mellif]

Hehe, it would be kind of silly if there were a law preventing couples from getting married after a 'first visit' or a certain amount of hours of knowing each other. Good luck with the proposal should you decide to do it!!

[Dezface]

Well to answer your *specific* question-it's quite likely your relationship will not be viewed as legit. They won't care about your reasons, getting married on a first visit is suspicious. If you want the best chance at getting a visa approved, you should get some more time together under your belt.

And when you post your situation on a forum, people can and will comment on all aspects of it. Of course everyone knows it's your choice to make, but that doesn't mean we can't offer advice.

[Tooki]

Btw, to a lot of you saying - we lived together for x number of years before that... Well, like I said, none of us could just simply "move in" together because visa laws won't allow it. It's also not a question of committing, we will wait as long as it takes, however, from what we've researched there is actually no law forbidding to get married on first visit, that's why I asked. After all, there are people who do this in real life too after knowing each other for much shorter periods of time. So I didn't ask advice on whether it is right thing to do from a relationship standpoint because it's our decision to make. All I asked was whether it was realistic or not to prove it to authorities.

On second note, I work as much as I can, however there are certain circumstances out of my control. Please guys, don't try to make it sound like I'm not working hard enough before actually knowing anything about me. It also sounds very conceited when at the same time you write: "we worked hard, but we were lucky parents helped out etc..." Well not everybody's families are able to do this. I understand however, if it is going to lead to a refusal for residence then yea, there is no point to risk ruining everything.

Nobody is saying that it's impossible to get married on your first visit, but it's going to make it VERY hard for your spousal visa to get approved because you will have minimal proof of an actual committed relationship. As TwoThree said, it's only going to give the immigration office more reasons to decline your visa application.

Nobody is calling you slack or not hard working either, it's just recommended to save as much money as you can.

[Zephii]

Hehe, it would be kind of silly if there were a law preventing couples from getting married after a 'first visit' or a certain amount of hours of knowing each other. Good luck with the proposal should you decide to do it!!

Actually in some countries there are. Like here for example, you have to give the government a month's notice before your intended date of marriage. You can't just rock up to the registry office and get hitched like it's vegas

And I'm not judging you Andy, I'm sorry if it came across that way.

[milaya]

Think we got married on our 7th visit. We got engaged around our 4th visit.

[ChibiFelicia]

We got married on our 13th visit, been together for four years. We never lived together before (longest visit 3 months, shortest 2 weeks) and we're still going through the visa process. Tickets are so expensive but I try to travel during off peak times and I used air miles for a couple of tickets. Im lucky that my job offers me a decent pay and i can work over time (as much as i want).

I have to echo what everyone else has already said. Getting married on your first visit is fine and it isn't impossible to get a visa but it will be very difficult (or you could get very lucky and have no problems - its a risk) Depending on the country you're trying to enter visa requirements are different. I don't know where you are both from (if i have missed it, apologies) but honestly it'll probably look like you're just getting married for immigration purposes.

Is there a middle ground you guys can meet that will lower costs?

[mellif]

Actually in some countries there are. Like here for example, you have to give the government a month's notice before your intended date of marriage. You can't just rock up to the registry office and get hitched like it's vegas

Really?! That's interesting, I had no idea 0: