I NEED advice..

[Sarah Lee]

I need to know what others thinks of this situation.

Long story short my husband & I are in a long distance relationship in different countries.

I saw a message he sent his friend saying that he was following a girl around because she had the best ass he's ever seen. His exact words were "I followed a girl cause she had the best ass I ever saw, I'm not proud of that lol"

I confronted him about it bc it naturally bothered me & he said that he didn't follow anyone around he just told his friend that to seem cool. But to me I feel like that's a bit disrespectful since his friend knows he's married. & the only reason he would follow her is if he intended to talk to her or something..

What are your thoughts??

[Sarah Lee]

I told him I'm going to ask other people's opinion on this.

[Moon]

My thoughts are that sometimes guys act like jackasses in front of their friends. If he's never given you a reason to distrust him before, I'd make sure he knows it's absolutely not OK to disrespect you like that, then let it go. If he pulls anything like it again, go ballistic, but he really might have just tried to look cool, and to fit in a little bit. Keep an eye on it for a while though. Good luck.

[Dezface]

I agree with Moon. If it's a one time offense, just let him know it's not OK and move on. If it happens again, then you should take issue with it.

[Sarah Lee]

He went to a bar with that same friend & I'm totally ok with him going out with friends as long as he tells me he'll be out & I'm not just waiting around for his call...

My husband took it upon himself to walk up to 2 girl & start talking to them & he said that the 4 for them hung out for a bit... I was not ok with that at all, he kept saying all he was doing is helping his friend meet someone. His friend is the single one why didn't he go up to the girls. I told him I'm not ok with that at all.. but you kept saying he did nothing wrong.. In my eyes you cant be a wing man if your not single, especially if your married.

He told me about it which was good but I wasn't comfortable with him doing that bc I dont do anything like that at all.

[Fretboard_Magic]

OK, maybe it's a guy thing and sorry if it comes across as a "jackass" type behaviour to you ladies, but...

What did he do that was so wrong in the first place? About the girl with the ass, he only acknowledged that she had an admirable ass. What's wrong with that? And when he told his friend that, he did so with a sense of humour. Again, what's wrong with that? Is it disrespectful toward you how?

Speaking of disrespect, there's a more pressing issue that no one has so far questioned or pointed out here. HOW did YOU come to read this message HE sent to HIS friend in the first place? Were you snooping? In that case, THAT to me is more disrespectful than his commenting on some nice ass to his friend where you're not even physically present to turn it into a disrespectful thing. It's a guy talk, and it sounds like you barged into it without an invitation and took it seriously, and personally.

In my eyes you cant be a wing man if your not single, especially if your married.

And why not? He was being a friend and just trying to hook his friend up with someone. Maybe the friend wasn't too assertive about the situation, so he helped out. Again, what's wrong with that? Friends help out, and that doesn't automatically change just because one of them gets married. And if it does, then what kind of friend are they, you know?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I see this as more of a security issue on your part than anything else. If you trust him, there should be no problem there. The ass thing, I think it's perfectly fine to be able to acknowledge beauty in people other than your partner. As long as you're not cheating on them, I see nothing wrong with admiring the physical beauty of total strangers. It's just a momentary and non-threatening kind of admiration, anyway. At the end of the day, the focus should be on your partner but that doesn't mean you all of the sudden stop regarding beautiful things as beautiful. And friends talk about these beautiful things among one another. Most of us don't really do it right to our partners' faces to rub it in, because THAT would be pushing it(unless they're cool with it, and some people are, trust me). So, how do we do it? We discreetly share these thoughts. That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change the fact that we are faithful to our partners. We just talk to have fun and enjoy life without hurting anyone, and more importantly, without cheating on anyone.

Food for thought.

[TwoThree]

OK, maybe it's a guy thing and sorry if it comes across as a "jackass" type behaviour to you ladies, but...

What did he do that was so wrong in the first place? About the girl with the ass, he only acknowledged that she had an admirable ass. What's wrong with that? And when he told his friend that, he did so with a sense of humour. Again, what's wrong with that? Is it disrespectful toward you how?

Yeah, you are totally right. There would be absolutely nothing wrong with my SO, a man in a committed relationship, following around a woman because he liked her booty. That is perfectly normal and acceptable, and any woman who would be offended by it is just a crazy hormonal clingy psycho. Women, amirite?

A good thing you apologized in advance for coming across as a jackass.

And the alleged snooping has absolutely nothing to do with this thread. Way to try to deflect the issue here. But I guess you're just trying to help a bro out, right?

[Zephii]

I think I'm actually with Fret man on this one.

He's married, not blind. So he followed some chick for a little while so he could look at her arse. Did he touch it? Did he get her number? No. He looked. And he confessed to a mate that he looked. Not a big deal.

Then he went out with a mate and had a conversation with two women. In a safe public place. Did he get their numbers? Did he take them home? Did he make out with them while his wedding ring waited in his pocket? No. So again, not a big deal. Married men are allowed to speak to other women. And yes, they can be wingmen. The idea of a wingman is to help your friend get a date, it's really hard to do that if you're trying to score yourself.

I think these are all things you should have discussed if not before you got married then at least before you went LD. For me personally, I don't think it's ok to make up new rules as you go along. And just because you personally wouldn't do it, doesn't mean he is a bad person if he does. I personally don't play first person shooter games, but that doesn't mean I think my husband is a psychopath waiting to happen just because he does. Have a bit of faith in the man.

[Rugger]

I think I'm actually with Fret man on this one.

He's married, not blind. So he followed some chick for a little while so he could look at her arse. Did he touch it? Did he get her number? No. He looked. And he confessed to a mate that he looked. Not a big deal.

Then he went out with a mate and had a conversation with two women. In a safe public place. Did he get their numbers? Did he take them home? Did he make out with them while his wedding ring waited in his pocket? No. So again, not a big deal. Married men are allowed to speak to other women. And yes, they can be wingmen. The idea of a wingman is to help your friend get a date, it's really hard to do that if you're trying to score yourself.

I think these are all things you should have discussed if not before you got married then at least before you went LD. For me personally, I don't think it's ok to make up new rules as you go along. And just because you personally wouldn't do it, doesn't mean he is a bad person if he does. I personally don't play first person shooter games, but that doesn't mean I think my husband is a psychopath waiting to happen just because he does. Have a bit of faith in the man.

I agree with Zephii on this one. He's married, not dead. Not matter how much you love your partner, you are always going to notice other attractive humans. I love my boy to pieces but If I see a fine man, I'm still going to check him out. I'm not going to get his number, I'm not going to touch him. I'm going to look. It's like window shopping. There are things that you would never ever buy ( like a 10k Hermes Purse) that are still nice to look at.

I wingman all the time for my single friends. In fact I'm going to wingman this week for a friend of mine at a Christmas party. As long as he's not the one getting the numbers, you need to chill out. Maybe his friend is shy? so he helped him out. That's how I met my boyfriend. His more assertive friends dragged him over to talk to me an then let us talk. It's an icebreaker

Unless he has given you something to be jealous over, you need to stop being jealous. These are things you should have talked about before. You could try opening a conversation now for future incidents, but you cannot control his behavior. Sorry you can;t.

[Tooki]

I think that you overreacted OP. If your SO only looked at the girl's ass, what's the big problem then? Just because he followed her around doesn't mean that he wanted to talk to her. If he wanted to talk with her, he would have done as much. At the very most, you should just tell your husband that you don't appreciate these kinds of comments.

Also, what is wrong with your SO talking to the those girls with his (single) friend? As long as he didn't cross any boundaries or lie about his marriage, what harm was actually created?

Yeah, you are totally right. There would be absolutely nothing wrong with my SO, a man in a committed relationship, following around a woman because he liked her booty. That is perfectly normal and acceptable, and any woman who would be offended by it is just a crazy hormonal clingy psycho. Women, amirite?

A good thing you apologized in advance for coming across as a jackass.

And the alleged snooping has absolutely nothing to do with this thread. Way to try to deflect the issue here. But I guess you're just trying to help a bro out, right?

I don't think that Fret said anything to warrant this kind of response .

What the OP's husband did was harmless at the end of the day. As far as we know, he only looked and made a joke to his friend about it. We don't know how long he followed her, we don't even know if he deviated from whatever he was doing at the time to follow this girl. But hey, women like to overreact, amiright?

(Women are just as likely to look at hot men as well.)

[lucybelle]

Okay I have a few issues with this. First of all his words "...the best ass I ever saw..." would bother me. Are there hot people in the world? Of course. But I better have the best ass around. It would really hurt me to think he was following or pursuing something that was better than me. It would make me feel very insecure. I mean, what's next, saying a girl is "the hottest girl I ever saw"? Ouch man. I know it's semantics, but I think it's okay to say someone has a nice body or whatever, but to say it's the best. That would make me feel awful.

Second issue- the OP communicated her thoughts on this. She told him she didn't think it was okay. Then the next day he goes and does something else! I don't like how people in this thread are trying to blame the OP and straight up saying that women overreact. Relationships are different and it's obvious the OP is not comfortable with this behavior. I think it's time the OP and her SO have a conversation about boundaries. Did he actually touch any of these women? No. But perhaps the OP feels like she was cheated on emotionally, which is just as bad.

Bottom line- it doesn't matter what I, or anyone else, think about the situation or how I would have reacted. OP and her SO need to get boundaries straight so no one feels hurt again.

[TwoThree]

I get that it's perfectly normal for people in committed, loving relationship to be attracted to other people. If he had just looked at some passing chick's butt and gone "daaamn!", that would be fine with me. I draw the line at following another girl around just to stare at her ass because that is fucking creepy. I can't be the only one who sees that?? And I know he didn't grope that ass, but it's probably other considerations that came into play to prevent it, like, I don't know, the said chick not appreciating being groped by a creep?

[Dziubka]

I get that it's perfectly normal for people in committed, loving relationship to be attracted to other people. If he had just looked at some passing chick's butt and gone "daaamn!", that would be fine with me. I draw the line at following another girl around just to stare at her ass because that is fucking creepy. I can't be the only one who sees that?? And I know he didn't grope that ass, but it's probably other considerations that came into play to prevent it, like, I don't know, the said chick not appreciating being groped by a creep?

Yeah. If he really, literally followed her to stare at her ass, that's creepy as hell. And that was my first thought after reading the post as well.

Maybe he wasn't being a creep and just like... didn't walk past her even though he would normally walk faster? (I'd like to keep some faith in mankind.)

Anyway, I think being all bro-like and bragging to your friends about how you stared at some chick's ass is gross and unacceptable. I'd be very disappointed in my SO if he did that. So I don't think I can actually add on the topic, because I'd be bothered by something completely different.

[Sarah Lee]

I really appreciate everyone input... 1 st off I would like to say I have no problem with my husband admiring other women, I point out beautiful women all the time when were out together..

My issues are:
- Why is he FOLLOWING any girl around if he didn't intent to talk to her.. Guys usually follow you for a bit when they are tiring to work up the guts to talk to you in my opinion. He can admire who he wants but following someone isn't acceptable.
- How are his friends & people he's around going to respect our marriage if this is the type of conversations they have. (I've never seen this side of him before, which is what disappointed me)
- The 2 girls at the bar, I guess I didn't go into details about that.. I'm ok with him helping his friend find a nice girl & all, but the conversation that we had he said a few things that didn't add up which leads me to believe that more happened than he's telling me.
- He did the same thing when he was visiting me in my country with my brother, he came home & tried to convince me to let him go on a date with my brother & 2 other girl. So I was like "why cant I go instead of the other girl, I'm your wife." (My brother wouldn't be ok with that either)
-Also I'm very attractive so for him to say she has the ass he's ever seen bothered me yes.

Just a little about me just so people understand a little more... I'm a very kind sweet person & very understanding about most things, I'm like the girl next door kinda girl. Even though were LD, I want our marriage to be pour & I dont want to miss little signs & be blindly in love with anyone.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yeah, you are totally right. There would be absolutely nothing wrong with my SO, a man in a committed relationship, following around a woman because he liked her booty. That is perfectly normal and acceptable, and any woman who would be offended by it is just a crazy hormonal clingy psycho. Women, amirite?

The word "following" is a tricky thing but how do we know he wasn't simply going in the same direction as the ass chick and just walking behind her? In that case, sure he would be "following" her but not with the specific purpose of deliberately doing so. But to add a humour to the situation, he might very well use the word "follow" and make a joke about it. It's all a figure of speech in my opinion. What we can say with certainty is that it was something that his friend would have understood.

A good thing you apologized in advance for coming across as a jackass.

That was me being sarcastic. ;-)

And the alleged snooping has absolutely nothing to do with this thread. Way to try to deflect the issue here. But I guess you're just trying to help a bro out, right?

Of course it has everything to do with this thread. The OP would not have come here with this thread if it weren't for the fact that she somehow read some message her husband sent to his friend. His FRIEND, not her. But how, under the normal circumstances, does one gain access to something like that in the first place? I speculated(and I repeat, SPECULATED. Help us out on this one OP) snooping because one snoops when one doesn't trust one's partner. And it's obvious the OP doesn't trust her husband. The whole thread is about her doubting the guy's actions. Now it's all about "one time he did this, and another time he did that.." and these things add up and the doubt grows bigger and bigger. And - here's what's important - without trust, it doesn't matter if any truth is being said. It's human nature to want to go into a denial mode. It's a very unhealthy thing in this case, though. So, what does one do in such a situation? One violates one's partner's privacy partly in the hope to discover something that proves the other's guilt, and partly because one thinks it's okay to invade another's privacy simply because one is under distress and therefore such action can be justified. But really, it's NOT okay.

A friend of mine who is in a happy relationship recently told me in a PM, of this particular musician he had the pleasure of working with a little while ago, "I can't believe she's 50, she still looks like she's in such a good shape! Well hey, I'd totally bang her! LOL" To which I replied with my own "LOL". Of course, he was just joking as he is in a satisfying relationship. But he was simply amazed by how physically youthful and fit this artist was. It was all a figure of speech, and he knew I would understand that(which I did). But it was, to my knowledge, between him and me. I don't intend to change that because I don't want THIS *points to this thread* kind of thing to happen. It was a harmless comment made in private but someone always has to feel the need to snoop and obtain something like that, and make a huge deal out of it afterward. There's a very good word to describe what that is: misunderstanding. I've said this before on another thread, and I'll say it again; trust is NOT about having everything out in the open, but it's about NOT HAVING TO have everything out in the open.