I NEED advice..

[lucybelle]

Depends on how it is of course. I would probably have liked it less in India or some other country where women easily get attracted or haressed. But yes i am used to a bit of sexual attention. I have curves and all that. And i too can like to show off. I can get scared if i think a guy is Following me when i go home at night, but a guy oogling me in daylight is mostly harmless. Of course it is not ok to film or photograph anyone without their permission. If a girl is not comfortable being stared at she can ask the guy to be more discreet.

You have a very romanticized version of stalking, eh? As a woman who happens to live in a country where women are harrassed daily, it is not something I enjoy. Just today while waiting at a stop light in a car a man walked in front of me, starring at me the entire time. About a year ago I was at the dog park with my dog and a guy came up to the fence and starting jacking off. These are just two of the instances that I experience every day. It happenes during the day, but it's not harmless. And it's not because I'm prettier or have curves. It's because I am a woman and that behavior is somehow accepted in this culture. Anyone who believes that oogling a woman who did not ask for it is harmless is quite naive.

[princessmaria]

Um, just to throw in my two cents. Asking a guy to be more discreet when he is "oogling" her is quite possibly the dumbest solution to someone stalking you that I have ever heard. Being that I had someone on my last campus who stalked me for the entirety of a semester, I know that stopping to talk to a stalker can be dangerous. First of all, people like that are already in the mindset that you are a sexual object who no longer deserves human decency (I doubt a man would stalk another man because he liked his T-Shirt). Secondly, approaching them and asking them to be more discreet will only serve as an incentive for them to continue being a creepy freak. When I approached the guy on campus, he groped my lower back and even tried to push my lips toward him by grabbing the back of my neck. This would not have happened if I'd just approached campus security regarding the issue, or better yet, kicked him in the neck.

OP: I think you need to talk to him about this stuff. At the end of the day, he didn't cheat on you, and he said he didn't really follow around a girl. If what he's doing is making you uncomfortable and you aren't willing to accept it, then tell him that. I think that since he isn't cheating, he hasn't committed any major crimes here, but that you two are not communicating properly or seeing eye to eye on boundaries set within the relationship.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Also I wasn't snooping, his internet wasn't working & he asked me to read though the msg between him & his friend while we were on the phone bc he needed some info that friend had given to him... I feel like he just totally forgot about that convo or else he wouldn't have made me get that info for him. I love my space & I give him a lot of space, everyone says I give him to much space but that works for us so it never matter what anyone else says.

Thank you for clarifying that. Yeah, it really does sound like he just forgot about the convo. And that's another thing, if he forgot then the chances are he never even said that "ass" comment with ill intentions to begin with. As in, it was something he could actually afford to forget about, as opposed to something that would make him feel guilty about. If he felt guilty and felt like he had to hide something, then he would not have given you access to it in the first place.

[Fretboard_Magic]

{removed}

Whoa whoa, I was just trying to offer you some peace of mind(that I'm sure your man thinks you're hotter than the so-called "hottest girls" out there), and that's the response I get? o___O I mean, seriously? smh

[lucybelle]

{removed}

Yeah goddamit. Women need to stop being raped! What they hell were they thinking? Making men feel uncomfortable. How DARE they.

[Hollandia]

Some of you should take the time and look up the OP other threads about her husband's recent past behavior.

This thread is getting completely derailed but after this post I had to respond to it.

Sorry, FM, but the guy followed her, which is creepy. The men that are so afraid of being falsely accused, I would assume are not out busy stalking women in the street to watch their ass walk down the street. Your arguing for the sake of saying what? Equality no matter what? I call BS. Men and women are built different, we are not equal. Most men can easily out power a women and you might also want to check out the stats of women being raped versus men being raped. Nobody said you all needed to avoid walking behind anyone but following someone to objectify their body parts without their permission is frakin creepy. You don't think so, but many women and some men would disagree with you. How about this? Imagine this women is your daughter and some creepy married guy is following her and watching her ass? How about the older man following your 8 year old son to watch his ass? Why is that any different in your POA? If that does not bother you at all, then you bring some serious questions to my mind. There are those out there that argue for equality for pedophiles too.

You can argue any point and try to make it okay but you are not a woman so you have no right to tell us if we feel threatened or not by someone stalking us. There is a difference between being ogled across a room and being followed by some stranger. As I said it is also something that many states consider illegal if the victim wishes to file a claim. I have been a victim of abuse by a man and he was not a huge body builder just an average sized man to my average sized female frame. You can cry double standard all you want but I wonder do you expect to have kids someday, because guess what? You aren't equal, she has to carry the kid. You can't. You can never be truly equal because our bodies are not created equally. We have less muscular mass than you do. We are 90 percent of the time smaller than the men that would be following us. We have estrogen and you have testosterone, most women do little weight lifting other than light resistance. Men pride themselves on being strong and powerful. There are exceptions, but it is just that exceptions. Ask a cop what his thoughts are on men following women around on the streets and see what they tell you.

[Moon]

Some of you should take the time and look up the OP other threads about her husband's recent past behavior.

This thread is getting completely derailed but after this post I had to respond to it.

Sorry, FM, but the guy followed her, which is creepy. The men that are so afraid of being falsely accused, I would assume are not out busy stalking women in the street to watch their ass walk down the street. Your arguing for the sake of saying what? Equality no matter what? I call BS. Men and women are built different, we are not equal. Most men can easily out power a women and you might also want to check out the stats of women being raped versus men being raped. Nobody said you all needed to avoid walking behind anyone but following someone to objectify their body parts without their permission is frakin creepy. You don't think so, but many women and some men would disagree with you. How about this? Imagine this women is your daughter and some creepy married guy is following her and watching her ass? How about the older man following your 8 year old son to watch his ass? Why is that any different in your POA? If that does not bother you at all, then you bring some serious questions to my mind. There are those out there that argue for equality for pedophiles too.

You can argue any point and try to make it okay but you are not a woman so you have no right to tell us if we feel threatened or not by someone stalking us. There is a difference between being ogled across a room and being followed by some stranger. As I said it is also something that many states consider illegal if the victim wishes to file a claim. I have been a victim of abuse by a man and he was not a huge body builder just an average sized man to my average sized female frame. You can cry double standard all you want but I wonder do you expect to have kids someday, because guess what? You aren't equal, she has to carry the kid. You can't. You can never be truly equal because our bodies are not created equally. We have less muscular mass than you do. We are 90 percent of the time smaller than the men that would be following us. We have estrogen and you have testosterone, most women do little weight lifting other than light resistance. Men pride themselves on being strong and powerful. There are exceptions, but it is just that exceptions. Ask a cop what his thoughts are on men following women around on the streets and see what they tell you.

Yes, this! Great response.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yeah goddamit. Women need to stop being raped! What they hell were they thinking? Making men feel uncomfortable. How DARE they.

What the hell, this isn't even about THE ACT of being raped. That's not even what I said. Please calm down.

Sorry, FM, but the guy followed her, which is creepy. The men that are so afraid of being falsely accused, I would assume are not out busy stalking women in the street to watch their ass walk down the street. Your arguing for the sake of saying what? Equality no matter what? I call BS. Men and women are built different, we are not equal. Most men can easily out power a women and you might also want to check out the stats of women being raped versus men being raped. Nobody said you all needed to avoid walking behind anyone but following someone to objectify their body parts without their permission is frakin creepy. You don't think so, but many women and some men would disagree with you. How about this? Imagine this women is your daughter and some creepy married guy is following her and watching her ass? How about the older man following your 8 year old son to watch his ass? Why is that any different in your POA? If that does not bother you at all, then you bring some serious questions to my mind. There are those out there that argue for equality for pedophiles too.

You can argue any point and try to make it okay but you are not a woman so you have no right to tell us if we feel threatened or not by someone stalking us. There is a difference between being ogled across a room and being followed by some stranger. As I said it is also something that many states consider illegal if the victim wishes to file a claim. I have been a victim of abuse by a man and he was not a huge body builder just an average sized man to my average sized female frame. You can cry double standard all you want but I wonder do you expect to have kids someday, because guess what? You aren't equal, she has to carry the kid. You can't. You can never be truly equal because our bodies are not created equally. We have less muscular mass than you do. We are 90 percent of the time smaller than the men that would be following us. We have estrogen and you have testosterone, most women do little weight lifting other than light resistance. Men pride themselves on being strong and powerful. There are exceptions, but it is just that exceptions. Ask a cop what his thoughts are on men following women around on the streets and see what they tell you.

Like I said, "follow" is a tricky word. The OP's husband might have been out somewhere, perhaps on his way to a store or something. We can't conclude that he was in fact out following women around on foot. And I believe the statistics can be inaccurate when it comes to crimes of this nature. Just because the statistics show very few men get raped versus the number of women doesn't mean that figure is accurate, and the reason being that, simply put, it is way more likely for men to hide it when they get raped. But this thread really isn't even about rape to begin with. I was just trying to say, why do we always have to reach that conclusion? Like, EVERY SINGLE TIME a man does something like this, someone always has to utter the word "rape". I'm sorry some of you have had some bad experiences with men, but those men don't represent us as a whole. Just because many of us are physically stronger than you women doesn't mean everyone of us is out to harm you. Those who do harm others are just a portion of men.

I still believe in what I believe in, and that's that. All I'm saying is that fear is not the answer. If we let fear take over our lives, then we might as well lock ourselves in our bedrooms and never go outside. But that's not how one should live life. And if looking is such a crime, then we all might as well be blind. If talking to other people is such a crime, then we might as well be mute.

[Hollandia]

What the hell, this isn't even about THE ACT of being raped. That's not even what I said. Please calm down.



Like I said, "follow" is a tricky word. The OP's husband might have been out somewhere, perhaps on his way to a store or something. We can't conclude that he was in fact out following women around on foot. And I believe the statistics can be inaccurate when it comes to crimes of this nature. Just because the statistics show very few men get raped versus the number of women doesn't mean that figure is accurate, and the reason being that, simply put, it is way more likely for men to hide it when they get raped. But this thread really isn't even about rape to begin with. I was just trying to say, why do we always have to reach that conclusion? Like, EVERY SINGLE TIME a man does something like this, someone always has to utter the word "rape". I'm sorry some of you have had some bad experiences with men, but those men don't represent us as a whole. Just because many of us are physically stronger than you women doesn't mean everyone of us is out to harm you. Those who do harm others are just a portion of men.

I still believe in what I believe in, and that's that. All I'm saying is that fear is not the answer. If we let fear take over our lives, then we might as well lock ourselves in our bedrooms and never go outside. But that's not how one should live life. And if looking is such a crime, then we all might as well be blind. If talking to other people is such a crime, then we might as well be mute.

I tried to stop this derailment but you continued it.

You are quite bias in this matter since you think it is fine to follow strange women for sexual gratification without their knowledge and permission. Rape is the reason we take issue with it, so please don't act like women don't have a right for that fear. If that women stops a cop and reports being followed in the USA, that guy is going to have a problem. He might not be planning on kidnapping, raping, beating or killing her but he is exhibiting behaviors that those criminals do. I can't even dignify the comment about the rape stats, perhaps you should contact some rape victims groups and see if they can help you out with that. You know that you are blowing smoke on that one as much as I do, so pointless to address it. You still have not addressed how this is any different from the pedophile following the little boy?

What the heck does talking to someone have to do with stalking someone? He said he followed her, on foot on not, if he was not on foot, that is even creepier. You are good with your spin but you are not a women so please stop trying to tell women how we should feel. If we feel intimidated then we feel intimidated and you have absolutely no imaginable foot to stand on to say otherwise. I don't live in fear but I do have common sense and fear can be both a weapon and a tool if used properly. It is a natural instinct just as fight or flight is. If I am being followed by a strange man, I darn well will have fear and be thinking of fight or flight. I also don't wish to take that gamble that the strange man following me is "one of the good ones" or a criminal that will do horrible acts to me.

Back OT:
If you take the time and look up the OP other threads about her husband you will understand his past treatment to the OP and other women a bit more. This is just the latest of several similar actions.

[differentcountries]

Um, just to throw in my two cents. Asking a guy to be more discreet when he is "oogling" her is quite possibly the dumbest solution to someone stalking you that I have ever heard. Being that I had someone on my last campus who stalked me for the entirety of a semester, I know that stopping to talk to a stalker can be dangerous. First of all, people like that are already in the mindset that you are a sexual object who no longer deserves human decency (I doubt a man would stalk another man because he liked his T-Shirt). Secondly, approaching them and asking them to be more discreet will only serve as an incentive for them to continue being a creepy freak. When I approached the guy on campus, he groped my lower back and even tried to push my lips toward him by grabbing the back of my neck. This would not have happened if I'd just approached campus security regarding the issue, or better yet, kicked him in the neck.

As with most things in life, it depends. I have friends who are less comfortable than me being stared at. They sometimes tell guys to stop staring at them and often it works. Sometimes guys are unaware of doing it in the first place. I am sorry to hear you had someone stalking you. I agree if a person lack social skills you cannot talk to them about their behaviour. A little violence can go a long way. If someone as much as breathe in my face uncalled for, i push them.

[lucybelle]

Look FM, your insane mockery of "equality" might work on impressionable young teenage girls, but it won't work with us.

[MZVIRGO82]

He may not be dead, but he IS married. To me, and this may be a completely different topic, but, marriage is a commitment to ONE person. Sure, feel free to "notice" women, but that doesn't mean you should go commenting on how "perfect that chick's ass is". Same goes for women. Go ahead and notice how chiseled he is, sure, but you seriously don't need to comment on it. I admit I've noticed attractive guys, but I won't ever say anything about them. (Or if I do, they're usually celebrities and my husband just rolls his eyes at me.)

Oh I agree, that is why I said that how he reacts IS what mattered. He reacted poorly (in my opinion) when he said she had the "best ass" he ever saw. It's okay to notice, but when you go making comments and following folks around, that would be a problem for me.

[hopefulteapot]

I need to know what others thinks of this situation.

Long story short my husband & I are in a long distance relationship in different countries.

I saw a message he sent his friend saying that he was following a girl around because she had the best ass he's ever seen. His exact words were "I followed a girl cause she had the best ass I ever saw, I'm not proud of that lol"

I confronted him about it bc it naturally bothered me & he said that he didn't follow anyone around he just told his friend that to seem cool. But to me I feel like that's a bit disrespectful since his friend knows he's married. & the only reason he would follow her is if he intended to talk to her or something..

What are your thoughts??

I don't think you overreacted at all but you can't say for sure what he really did/didn't do so I'd just let him off this time. If he's your husband and he really did that, that's completely disrespectful but you are married so you definitely need to let him off. If it happens again, I'd seriously reconsider who you married or have a more serious talk with him as that's just not right.

[Sarah Lee]

Thank you all again for all your opinions & help.. Like Hollandia said, there's a lot more to my story than just this threat. (I apologize in advance for the length)

We haven't seen each other in over a year.. He was suppose to come this summer but that didn't work out the way it was suppose too.. We just kept having problems upon problems & it got to the point where I didn't want to see him.. He was planing on coming the 1st week in January 2014 but all of a sudden he says he has to do his Taxes so he needs to extend the date a little longer.. then he says he'll have his taxes faxed over here & come as planed.

It's pretty much been a year of him making a lot of mistake & apologizing.. things being good for a little while & then him messing up again.. then I stay away from him for a while when he hurts me & we start the cycle again of him apologizing..ect

We hardly talk on the phones & we've only Skype once in the past year.. he never wants to skype or talk on the phone all he wants to do is text.. I've told him over & over how important it is for us to communicate & he agrees but still doesn't make an effect to communicate more. So about two month ago was the 1st time we Skype ( I'm not someone that cries easily) but I just broke down in tears & I was like I'm tired of the constant cycle & I want us both to decide if we want to be here, it was late so I asked him to please take a day off so we can address these issues once & for all... he said that he definitely couldn't take a day off so we both got off the phone. The next day he did in fact take the day off but didn't talk to me at all & he just pretended to be at work & text me as if everything was ok.. I dont understand how he could know I'm crying & at a point where I needed him & he choose to just be heartless.. He actually quit his job that day & hid it from me for 3 weeks..

After that our problems continued, I just get super frustrated after talking to him for hours & him saying how different things are going to be & then they aren't..

So we've been talking but I've kinda been keeping my distance.. he's always like "I love you so much, we cant end this marriage".. "I want to make it work no matter what" "please give me another chance" "I'm sorry I'm a Jerk" "It's just old habits" "I know I can be the best husband for you" & the list goes on.. it's always the same things..

Last week was the anniversary of his mother's death (he doesn't know that I know the date) & even thou I was keeping my distance I wanted to be supportive, so was there more & trying a little more.. He had the day off on Friday he said he's been sleeping on & off all day so he'll be up at nite, then we decided to have a Skype date on Friday nite... I got all dressed up did my hair & make up, set up a little corner in the room, went to the store & got pop corn & everything.. I signed on to Skype he wasn't online.. I called once & he didn't answer, I sent him a text no response.. I figured he was in the shower or something so I just waited.. hours passed & he didn't respond... I felt soooo crummy.. he text me at 12:30am (I had already gone to bed) & the next day & said he fell asleep.. How could he just fall asleep like that knowing that were having such terrible problems like we are & just have me waiting here, (he could have at least told me he was going to bed & we could do it another day) this was our 1st Skype date ever in almost a year.. Part of me doesn't believe that he fell asleep, part of me thinks he went out & couldn't Skype where he was..

Since that I dont know what to feel... I haven't really been talking to him.. I told him I cant see him in 2 weeks, I think he should just change his ticket , finish his taxes & give me some time to process everything bc if I see him soon I wouldn't want to try to make this marriage work at all, we have a better change of it working if I get some time. I guess this is just me venting a little.. I welcome any comments negative or positive..

[OperaDiva]

Hi Sarah
First of all, I am truly sorry you are going through all of this. LDR is hard, marriage is hard as well and I honestly believe neither can survive without communication, respect, care and commitment, in addition to love. I think you are right to take some time off from your husband. My advice - sit down and think, maybe even write things down to help you think. Think long and hard of who you are, what you want in life, what kind of future you want for yourself, what you are willing to accept and what is too much. Figure out your boundaries and then communicate them to your husband. This is not about somebody's ass, or one date, it is about your heart. You deserve happiness.
On a more practical note, I have to say, I've had Skype dates blown off a couple of times, but there was always a text and an explanation before the date, and we Skype almost every night. And, sorry, he can't come to see you after a YEAR because he has to do his TAXES???