I NEED advice..

[differentcountries]

It sounds like he is dealing with the distance by removing himself mentally. Him having to cope with work difficulties hardly makes it easier -and sometimes people get super sleepy from stress. However he must deal with those things, with you.

[Zephii]

If it wasn't 1am I might do a better job of responding... but listen hon, you can do better than this guy. His excuses are weak, his dedication is worse and you're to the point where you don't want to see him. Plenty of fish in the sea, why hold out for a mackerel when you could bag a salmon?
Be kind to yourself xx

[Dezface]

^what she said. He's clearly not being the partner you need or want. I know marriage makes it extra complicated, but if it's been a year of this, I think it's time to cut your losses.

[silvermoonfairy3]

With the context of the additional information you added, I agree with the recent posters who suggested you take some time to think about whether this is really the guy to stay with and if it's working. I understand it's a much bigger decision because you're married to him, and for sure you should have a discussion about the seriousness of it with him, but at the heart of it, it sounds like you might just plain want different things out of the relationship, in an irreconcilable way.

You're allowed to feel how you do, and he's allowed to do what he does.. if neither of you can adapt your expectations happily, or come to a mutual compromise, then it might just not be the right fit.


As for the following, I do wonder if he used the word "follow" sort of loosely. Once, a friend of mine was watching a hot guy dance at a club, and he went to get a drink at the bar, and she was like "let's follow him! Come on, let's get a drink, too." so that she could watch him a little more. It wasn't "invited" by him, but it was pretty harmless. We don't know from the OP the nature of the "following." Something like that would be MUCH different than, say, following her down the street. Which I agree is completely problematic.

As for the rape stuff, women do still get raped more than men, but the estimates for male rape are closing in to equal with female rape. IMO, us acting like rape is still only a female-victim issue is hugely problematic, especially for more men feeling comfortable with coming forward about rape. Experts still generally think that male rape is wildly underreported, because there's an even bigger stigma for a guy than for a girl. Where the girl has to deal with "you must have been asking for it" guys have to deal with "man up, you got sex, what's the problem" which is just as unfair. And there are more resources for women coming forward than there are for men.

ANY rape is bad, and any behavior that leads to it is bad. We don't know enough about what happened in this situation to know if the OP's husband was being super creepy, or if he was harmlessly checking out a girl for longer than he "should" have.

But yeah.. given that he has seemed to be unsatisfactory for the OP's needs and wants in a bunch of ways, I agree that there needs to be a long, hard look at where things are, and an honest, direct discussion about it, too.

Good luck, OP!

[Sarah Lee]

I told him to change the date on the airplane ticket but I really feel like just saying cancel it all together... (but it's an important decision that I cant just take lightly) I feel like this time by myself isn't really to think about us, it's for me to take a break from thinking about us or dealing with anything.. I dont feel like talking to him at all or being around him or even touching him.. I've been with him since I was 21 years old & I just feel like we've already been apart for a year but it wasn't a year of peace, it was a year filled with problems & faults promises & hurtful words & lies..

The thought of not being with him gives me comfort, I feel like I can finally breathe.. I dont want to date anyone else or anything like that, I just want to be alone for a while... I meet my 1st bf when I was 17 years old & I dated him up until I was 21 years & then I meet my husband when I was 21 years old, so I feel like I haven't had that much time to be single.. It actually feels so good to be in this moment in time, I just want to enjoy it. Of course I'm hurt, but it feels like I've been hurt for so long that I'm numb...!

Everyone keeps telling me it's the distance & once we see each other everything would be fine, may be they're right or may be they're not but at this point I just feel like there's no more chances left in me to give him, may be in time I'll feel differently but right now I need this time..

[alli.efeelink]

I think I'm actually with Fret man on this one.

He's married, not blind. So he followed some chick for a little while so he could look at her arse. Did he touch it? Did he get her number? No. He looked. And he confessed to a mate that he looked. Not a big deal.

Then he went out with a mate and had a conversation with two women. In a safe public place. Did he get their numbers? Did he take them home? Did he make out with them while his wedding ring waited in his pocket? No. So again, not a big deal. Married men are allowed to speak to other women. And yes, they can be wingmen. The idea of a wingman is to help your friend get a date, it's really hard to do that if you're trying to score yourself.

I think these are all things you should have discussed if not before you got married then at least before you went LD. For me personally, I don't think it's ok to make up new rules as you go along. And just because you personally wouldn't do it, doesn't mean he is a bad person if he does. I personally don't play first person shooter games, but that doesn't mean I think my husband is a psychopath waiting to happen just because he does. Have a bit of faith in the man.

Yes， I think it's human's nature. I do the same thing when I saw a handsome boy, a tall boy , attractive man. Yet I still love my SO. It doesn't matter, I think. And When he saw a beautiful girl ,he will talk to me about the beauty he thought, I believe that he's just appreciate the beauty rather than he does not love me anymore.

[Zapookie]

You're right. You don't need to give him another chance, he's had too many already. It's been a whole year and nothing has changed so I doubt more time will do anything for him. It's not easy to go through divorce but if a marriage isn't making you happy, and you've done all you can to try and fix it, then you need to do what you feel is right. Good luck.

[Kiyama]

Honey, I'm going to be blunt here. You can do waaaaaay better than this jerk. Whatever love you feel for him, try to brush it aside and look at it from an objective point of view. You never actually talk to him on the phone or Skype. He behaviour is outrageous. If he really loved you, he'd love to talk to you and he'd simply make time. You have tried so hard for a whole year but it takes two people to change something. A divorce won't be easy but here we have a saying that goes "better have a horrible ending than horror without ending". All the best.

[differentcountries]

I told him to change the date on the airplane ticket but I really feel like just saying cancel it all together... (but it's an important decision that I cant just take lightly) I feel like this time by myself isn't really to think about us, it's for me to take a break from thinking about us or dealing with anything.. I dont feel like talking to him at all or being around him or even touching him.. I've been with him since I was 21 years old & I just feel like we've already been apart for a year but it wasn't a year of peace, it was a year filled with problems & faults promises & hurtful words & lies..

The thought of not being with him gives me comfort, I feel like I can finally breathe.. I dont want to date anyone else or anything like that, I just want to be alone for a while... I meet my 1st bf when I was 17 years old & I dated him up until I was 21 years & then I meet my husband when I was 21 years old, so I feel like I haven't had that much time to be single.. It actually feels so good to be in this moment in time, I just want to enjoy it. Of course I'm hurt, but it feels like I've been hurt for so long that I'm numb...!

Everyone keeps telling me it's the distance & once we see each other everything would be fine, may be they're right or may be they're not but at this point I just feel like there's no more chances left in me to give him, may be in time I'll feel differently but right now I need this time..

That is harsh... Have you told him any of this? Does he have any ideas at all about how the two of you could connect?