Starting to Think it's Not Meant to Be Right Now.

[Kitten_mittens]

I'm thinking of ending my relationship.. I don't want to but I feel it might be the wrong time to be in this LDR. I've been really depressed and struggling bad with self-worth. I don't have any local friends to confide in and if I confide in my family they just tell me to be single. If I confide in my BF it gets too much for him and he ends up exploding on me telling me I'm too negative, I whine too much, and he's tired of dealing with it.. So I'm too scared to talk to him about anything negative. And when I do open up about something that's bothering me he is not empathetic.. I wish I could get more empathy from him but I realize that I might be needing too much. And I have asked him to be more empathetic and given him solid examples of how to be. I just don't think he's a very empathetic person.. He'd rather give you advice and tell you everything you need to change or that that's just lif so you need to learn to deal with it..

So I'm thinking I might be better off single so I can try to fix myself and get over this depression. I don't want to lose him.. But I'm so unhappy.. I don't know what to do. I don't even know exactly why I'm writing this. I guess maybe just for opinions. Maybe someone has gone through the same.

[jana89]

I´m very sorry you are going through this. But if you feel too unhappy, you might really be better single.

[differentcountries]

I can see that he might think giving you advice is kind. But if that is not what you long for it is not helping. I hope you figure out what to do, wish for the best

[talim]

He'd rather give you advice and tell you everything you need to change or that that's just lif so you need to learn to deal with it..

This... This is exactly how most men are. Once I read a book about differences between men and women and it said that most men don't understand why women complain all the time when they don't want to hear some solution... But I understand it can be quite overwhelming, and I am really sorry you are going through this. Just like Jana said, if you are really unhappy, you may be better single.

[Kitten_mittens]

Thank you all.
I do know that's how most guys are.. I just really struggle with it. I thought maybe he could try to be more supportive in the way I need him to be if I asked him to be. But it doesn't look like that will happen. Maybe I'll try talking to him about it one more time.. I don't know.

[Ahava]

Is it him and the relationship making you unhappy or is it your life in the US and that you feel lonely?

I sometimes worry I complain too much, and he has heard it all way too many times. I usually get a reply that it is all meant to test us or that I will feel better after a good nights sleep or he tells me to get a grip, which annoys me sometimes alot.

Do you have any friends close by/or family?

I hope it helps a little, but you can always wine and complain to us here

Hugs!

[piratemama]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know there is a lot going on between the two of you that you can't really put into words or describe on this forum. We all want to help, but it's difficult to give opinions when we can't possibly see the whole story. Only you know what is best, and you'll have to go with your gut. I can say that you can't change the way a person works. If he isn't much for what you need, you'll have to decide if you can live with him as is.

I'm scared to tell you to give him the boot, because he may be the one for you and the distance is what is the problem. I'm also scared to tell you to stay with him, if you are so unhappy. Just ask yourself if you can live without him and can you live with him as he is at this very moment. You can't change people.

We are all here for you, though and will support however we can. Friends and family can never understand an LDR; don't let that sway you.

[Kitten_mittens]

Is it him and the relationship making you unhappy or is it your life in the US and that you feel lonely?

I sometimes worry I complain too much, and he has heard it all way too many times. I usually get a reply that it is all meant to test us or that I will feel better after a good nights sleep or he tells me to get a grip, which annoys me sometimes alot.

Do you have any friends close by/or family?

I hope it helps a little, but you can always wine and complain to us here

Hugs!

I think it's both. I'm struggling a lot with being a single mom and not having much support/help and losing out on a ton of sleep lately. But it's also the relationship as when ever I go to him for support I tend to end up feeling worse. I'm finding myself wanting to

I live with my mom and step dad but they aren't much help in any of this. And I don't have really any friends. :frowns:

This forum does help though. It's nice to not feel so alone in my situation. Thank you.

[Kitten_mittens]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know there is a lot going on between the two of you that you can't really put into words or describe on this forum. We all want to help, but it's difficult to give opinions when we can't possibly see the whole story. Only you know what is best, and you'll have to go with your gut. I can say that you can't change the way a person works. If he isn't much for what you need, you'll have to decide if you can live with him as is.

I'm scared to tell you to give him the boot, because he may be the one for you and the distance is what is the problem. I'm also scared to tell you to stay with him, if you are so unhappy. Just ask yourself if you can live without him and can you live with him as he is at this very moment. You can't change people.

We are all here for you, though and will support however we can. Friends and family can never understand an LDR; don't let that sway you.

Thank you for this advice. I always remind myself that you can't change people. But I guess I've been thinking that asking him to be more empathetic isn't changing him. I see now that it is. As he was raised differently and was taught to handle problems differently than I was.

I think I'll try and give it more time and see if anything improves and really ask myself if this relationship is what I really want/need. I feel a lot of it might be fixed if we weren't long distance. But that probably won't happen for 2-4 years.

Thank you for the support and advice. As always it's very sweet.

[BabyGund]

I think it is because you have no one else to vent to BUT HIM. As has been mentioned, men don't really like it when you complain -- they hear problems that need to be solved and in an LDR, being so far away, it frustrates them even more. (And keep in mind, I'm generalizing based on my SO)

That's why I had to find other outlets to vent. I do have one close friend who doesn't judge. But I also think it's why this forum was created. So please feel free to vent to us.

[piratemama]

I think it is because you have no one else to vent to BUT HIM. As has been mentioned, men don't really like it when you complain -- they hear problems that need to be solved and in an LDR, being so far away, it frustrates them even more. (And keep in mind, I'm generalizing based on my SO)

That's why I had to find other outlets to vent. I do have one close friend who doesn't judge. But I also think it's why this forum was created. So please feel free to vent to us.

Yes, I agree. I read an article that really stuck in my mind not long ago. I can't remember the article's title or author, but I remember the advice. The suggestion was to vent to girlfriends, and that generally men don't really like lots of conversation without a point. Again, that's a general statement and isn't true for all men, but I've seen it to be true with the men I've known. I've tried hard not to vent to my SO since then, but it's difficult. He is the most important person in my life, so it's only natural for me to need to talk everything out with him. Of course, I do talk with him, but I'm trying to change the way I talk. I only vent to him, when it is extremely important he hears my thoughts. Even though, I should really be factual and brief.

To kitten mittens - feel free to vent to me or any of us on the forum; that's what we are here for. I hope an answer comes to you for your pain that can give you peace. I think waiting to make a decision is a good idea. When you don't know for sure what to do, it's best to wait until you do. You don't have to hurry.

[Kitten_mittens]

Yes, I agree. I read an article that really stuck in my mind not long ago. I can't remember the article's title or author, but I remember the advice. The suggestion was to vent to girlfriends, and that generally men don't really like lots of conversation without a point. Again, that's a general statement and isn't true for all men, but I've seen it to be true with the men I've known. I've tried hard not to vent to my SO since then, but it's difficult. He is the most important person in my life, so it's only natural for me to need to talk everything out with him. Of course, I do talk with him, but I'm trying to change the way I talk. I only vent to him, when it is extremely important he hears my thoughts. Even though, I should really be factual and brief.

To kitten mittens - feel free to vent to me or any of us on the forum; that's what we are here for. I hope an answer comes to you for your pain that can give you peace. I think waiting to make a decision is a good idea. When you don't know for sure what to do, it's best to wait until you do. You don't have to hurry.

Thank you BabyGund and Piratemama. I will try to find other outlets for my stress and emotional worries. Maybe that will help. What's weird is he vents to me ALL the time. I even get worried about asking him how work was for the day because when I do our whole phone convo is about work and how crap it is.. But I guess lots of people can't handle what they dish out.

And I will definitely wait to see if anything changes and to make sure I'm making the right decision. Thank you all again. This forum is wonderful.

[Heavenly_Love12]

first off! Second, I could have written this post a few months ago! I know exactly how you feel! I don't have any local friends and pretty much just have my boyfriend to talk to. I also struggle with depression and self-worth issues. When my SO and I were together last, we ended up breaking up so we could work on our separate issues, mine were being depressed, lonely, and feeling isolated. While he went and got professional help for things he was dealing with, I ended up getting worse because I was too embarrassed to talk to a professional.

My SO was the same as yours before we broke up. I would tell him things that were bothering me and he didn't try that hard to understand or empathize. He got angry once and told me that I should "just suck it up and get over it," that was a few days before we decided to break up. I can tell you that it's totally different now! He tries to understand, doesn't give advice that just makes things worse, and actually wants to me talk to him about things that are bothering me instead of bottling them up. Are you and your SO friends? Mine and I ended up becoming best friends and that made all the difference. I do not think that you are asking too much of him but if you two are not truly friends, it makes things all the more difficult.

For me, I was worse off single than with him. Yes, things did improve in his thinking and understanding but I was totally alone at that point. It is extremely difficult to fix depression yourself, I've tried with no success. If you are more unhappy with him than you would be without him, then you should leave so that things do not continue to get worse. I have found that the right person will be there for you no matter what and stick it out with you through bad times. This is one of those bad times and he sounds like my SO did. In all honesty, I think he is trying to help but that's not the right way for you to receive it at this time. I wish I could help more because I went through the exact same thing in May. My SO and I came out 1,000 times stronger than before in the end but it was a rough road getting there. Please message me anytime!

[Kitten_mittens]

first off! Second, I could have written this post a few months ago! I know exactly how you feel! I don't have any local friends and pretty much just have my boyfriend to talk to. I also struggle with depression and self-worth issues. When my SO and I were together last, we ended up breaking up so we could work on our separate issues, mine were being depressed, lonely, and feeling isolated. While he went and got professional help for things he was dealing with, I ended up getting worse because I was too embarrassed to talk to a professional.

My SO was the same as yours before we broke up. I would tell him things that were bothering me and he didn't try that hard to understand or empathize. He got angry once and told me that I should "just suck it up and get over it," that was a few days before we decided to break up. I can tell you that it's totally different now! He tries to understand, doesn't give advice that just makes things worse, and actually wants to me talk to him about things that are bothering me instead of bottling them up. Are you and your SO friends? Mine and I ended up becoming best friends and that made all the difference. I do not think that you are asking too much of him but if you two are not truly friends, it makes things all the more difficult.

For me, I was worse off single than with him. Yes, things did improve in his thinking and understanding but I was totally alone at that point. It is extremely difficult to fix depression yourself, I've tried with no success. If you are more unhappy with him than you would be without him, then you should leave so that things do not continue to get worse. I have found that the right person will be there for you no matter what and stick it out with you through bad times. This is one of those bad times and he sounds like my SO did. In all honesty, I think he is trying to help but that's not the right way for you to receive it at this time. I wish I could help more because I went through the exact same thing in May. My SO and I came out 1,000 times stronger than before in the end but it was a rough road getting there. Please message me anytime!

Thank you so much. I'm sorry that you've struggled with the same. But getting advice from someone who has gone through the same is so helpful. I am planning on going back to my counselor so hoping that might help. I also have an audio book for self-worth but just don't have the time to listen to it with my studies at the mo. If my SO were here I would really consider couples therapy.

You've given me a little more hope. Thank you.

[zendaya]

o truly understand how you feel. I am in the same situation you are in right now. single mom and a boyfriend who is just not empathetic. it is very frustrating on our end. and they are right, men think totally differently from women. they dont understand it, literally. i love my boyfriend very much, and when we're physically together, we're so ok. we do not even need to talk, but just being together suits us. we're both homebodies and just love being lazy together on a non-working day. does he say he loves you? if he does, well maybe you need to trust that. my boyfriend too got tired of all my whining of being apart, but sometimes we have little options to be together. he is the type, where, well if you're unhappy, then do something about it, like be together, but if its not possible right now, well you're just gonna have to deal with it for now. i know my boyfriend loves me very much, i have faith in that. have faith girl, and give it time.