SO's offensive words

[TravelingSolider]

Verbal abuse is abuse and can be one step of physical abuse. I agree with the other red flags here. You must be careful. If this is simply a bad habit of his, you should be able to talk with him about it. If it continues, you need to protect yourself. You can find someone to treat you better than that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

^^^ This. I agree 110%. I have nothing else to add here.

[differentcountries]

They say about love languages the reversere is also true ; whatever makes you feel most loved has its exact opposite that will make you feel very unloved. If your love language is words of confirmation, harsh words do a lot of damage.

[snow_girl]

They say about love languages the reversere is also true ; whatever makes you feel most loved has its exact opposite that will make you feel very unloved. If your love language is words of confirmation, harsh words do a lot of damage.

This has nothing to do with stupid love languages. Saying shit like that to anyone regardless of whatever their dumb language is will be hurtful.

[Hollandia]

They say about love languages the reversere is also true ; whatever makes you feel most loved has its exact opposite that will make you feel very unloved. If your love language is words of confirmation, harsh words do a lot of damage.

I agree with SG.

DC, having been married to an abusive ex and having to get a PFA against him after the harsh words turned physical, and him threatening my life, I can say that I think you are unintentionally watering down the issue. These are serious reg flags and the OP should be looking at this for what it is, abuse. I did not only feel the opposite of love, I felt fear and that is a whole different ball game.

[lyonsgirl]

This has nothing to do with stupid love languages. Saying shit like that to anyone regardless of whatever their dumb language is will be hurtful.

Can't rep your post, so, yes. I concur.

[stormy]

Well, this thread took a turn for the worse didn't it.

In a thread talking about how someone feels violated by their lover for use of hurtful language followed by people rudely responding to someone's post... I feel as this defeats the purpose of what we are trying to tell the OP.

differentcountries already explicitly said that what was happening to the OP was unacceptable and offered her own personal story. I believe she was adding to the discussion with her last post on love languages which is something that she identifies with (if you have read her other posts). Maybe this is something that the OP will identify with and it will help her leave what seems to everyone as an abusive relationship. Any and every effort should be welcomed to that, you never know what could help someone else.

To the OP, as a woman who is the product of an abusive home where my father stuck my mother plenty of times in front of me as a little girl, not only with his hands or objects but his words... it can ruin you and the people who love you. I am very sensitive to this topic and while I was a teenager I was in an emotionally abuse relationship. When I now tell people about what he would say to me and how he treated me, they all just want to hug me and say they are so sorry that I felt I could not ask them for help or walk away... or maybe even that I did not realize exactly what was happening (I didn't, not fully).

So I hope that you do really see that you are worth more than someone's hair trigger temper. If you would like to work it our with your SO which it seems as if you do, I would have to agree with another poster in saying that he is going to need professional (also unbiased) help. It is going to very difficult for the both of you and you are going to have to ask yourself if it is all worth it. Many times, unfortunately, many people find that it is not.

Keeping loving yourself, asking for help is great... move forward now.

[differentcountries]

This has nothing to do with stupid love languages. Saying shit like that to anyone regardless of whatever their dumb language is will be hurtful.

Actually, it is not equally hurtful to all. And I will not you having calling my comment stupid and dumb. Love languages is a theory if communication that is used in everything from healing destructive relationships to child rearing. If you do know what it is, feel free to give some relevant input. Otherwise, saying you don't understand my point of view will cover it.

[milaya]

I agree with everyone else.
Run. Don't look back. That's the best advice I can give.

It's might the thing you want to hear.
But seriously, one who starts calling you ugly words just because you don't answer right away. It's unacceptable and downright obsessive behavior - which I don't see going anywhere positive. Don't go down this road. This person has issues.

[kayla_622]

I think that the bigger problem here is that he gets angry if you don't answer his message after 30 minutes and then punishes you by not only calling you nasty names but also giving you the silent treatment. I'm assuming he's about the same age as you and if that is true he sounds very immature and has anger issues. You two need to have a real one on one conversation about how it's not only inappropriate and uncalled for to call you names like that (be sure to let him know it hurts you and you don't like it. even though you've told him before) but, also that it is unacceptable for him to get as upset as he is getting just because you don't reply to his messages right away. If he doesn't change you need to reevaluate this relationship and figure out if this is something you are willing to put up with for years.


Also, I agree with Stormy's post about differentcountries comment.

[Hollandia]

Well, this thread took a turn for the worse didn't it.

In a thread talking about how someone feels violated by their lover for use of hurtful language followed by people rudely responding to someone's post... I feel as this defeats the purpose of what we are trying to tell the OP.

differentcountries already explicitly said that what was happening to the OP was unacceptable and offered her own personal story. I believe she was adding to the discussion with her last post on love languages which is something that she identifies with (if you have read her other posts). Maybe this is something that the OP will identify with and it will help her leave what seems to everyone as an abusive relationship. Any and every effort should be welcomed to that, you never know what could help someone else.

To the OP, as a woman who is the product of an abusive home where my father stuck my mother plenty of times in front of me as a little girl, not only with his hands or objects but his words... it can ruin you and the people who love you. I am very sensitive to this topic and while I was a teenager I was in an emotionally abuse relationship. When I now tell people about what he would say to me and how he treated me, they all just want to hug me and say they are so sorry that I felt I could not ask them for help or walk away... or maybe even that I did not realize exactly what was happening (I didn't, not fully).

So I hope that you do really see that you are worth more than someone's hair trigger temper. If you would like to work it our with your SO which it seems as if you do, I would have to agree with another poster in saying that he is going to need professional (also unbiased) help. It is going to very difficult for the both of you and you are going to have to ask yourself if it is all worth it. Many times, unfortunately, many people find that it is not.

Keeping loving yourself, asking for help is great... move forward now.

I did not see anyone being rude. Some of us don't pull punches and don't always post as PC as others might want. In a situation this serious, I won't hold back. I for one, will make a point to state how serious the issue is and that it is a danger for other posters to state things that make it appear as less than so. We don't all have the same writing styles but most of us that do disagree, do so without malicious intent and a word that is spoken that is offensive to one poster from another might be better left between the two of them to debate the merits of it, off the main thread in PMs. Lecturing other members on the board should be left up to the the Admin, I am not one here, so I will drop that point, but I don't regret for one single second mentioning how comparing something like a serious X matter(OT) to a less serious Y matter(other comment), can be very detrimental to the OP overall, imo.

[lyonsgirl]

Actually, it is not equally hurtful to all. And I will not you having calling my comment stupid and dumb. Love languages is a theory if communication that is used in everything from healing destructive relationships to child rearing. If you do know what it is, feel free to give some relevant input. Otherwise, saying you don't understand my point of view will cover it.

I've taken the 5LL quiz (at least) twice, & have read the book more times than I can count. So while yes, I see where you were trying to go with it, I still see a ton of red flags. Words of confirmation or not, no one should put up with being called a "nasty ass hoe".

[Hollandia]

I've taken the 5LL quiz (at least) twice, & have read the book more times than I can count. So while yes, I see where you were trying to go with it, I still see a ton of red flags. Words of confirmation or not, no one should put up with being called a "nasty ass hoe".

I agree with this and.......................

I also believe that as I stated there is a major difference between "opposite of love" feelings and fear, despair, lack of self worth. Some might believe the opposite of love to be hate or resentment but actually it is apathy. None of these feelings have anything to do with what a victim of abuse feels. The OP knows what feelings she is having when he treats her as such and I would be most interested to hear what those feelings are. This might help us all determine how much abuse is or is not involved in this relationship and how best to proceed to provide further advice and suggestions.

[lyonsgirl]

I also believe that as I stated there is a major difference between "opposite of love" feelings and fear, despair, lack of self worth. Some might believe the opposite of love to be hate or resentment but actually it is apathy. None of these feelings have anything to do with what a victim of abuse feels. The OP knows what feelings she is having when he treats her as such and I would be most interested to hear what those feelings are. This might help us all determine how much abuse is or is not involved in this relationship and how best to proceed to provide further advice and suggestions.

I was unaware that I was disagreeing with you, Hol.

[Hollandia]

I was unaware that I was disagreeing with you, Hol.

This was not disagreeing with you, this was more agreeing with you. I will PM you to explain to not derail the thread.

[stormy]

I did not see anyone being rude. Some of us don't pull punches and don't always post as PC as others might want. In a situation this serious, I won't hold back. I for one, will make a point to state how serious the issue is and that it is a danger for other posters to state things that make it appear as less than so. We don't all have the same writing styles but most of us that do disagree, do so without malicious intent and a word that is spoken that is offensive to one poster from another might be better left between the two of them to debate the merits of it, off the main thread in PMs. Lecturing other members on the board should be left up to the the Admin, I am not one here, so I will drop that point, but I don't regret for one single second mentioning how comparing something like a serious X matter(OT) to a less serious Y matter(other comment), can be very detrimental to the OP overall, imo.

"In a thread talking about how someone feels violated by their lover for use of hurtful language followed by people rudely responding to someone's post... I feel as this defeats the purpose of what we are trying to tell the OP."

Besides my message to the OP. This was my main point.
I hope Nicola only receives help from us.