SO's offensive words

[Hollandia]

"In a thread talking about how someone feels violated by their lover for use of hurtful language followed by people rudely responding to someone's post... I feel as this defeats the purpose of what we are trying to tell the OP."

Besides my message to the OP. This was my main point.
I hope Nicola only receives help from us.

You were lecturing other members on the thread as you saw fit. I responded as I saw fit. If you wish to continue to debate this, please feel free to PM me and stop derailing the thread.

[Nicola]

Oh my, so many replies!! Amazing
But first of all I have to say that I don't wanna cause trouble with this topic! No fights

Most of you guys advise me to talk to him about it and, if there will be no changes, to leave him. I honestly have to say that a break-up is no option for me. He means the world to me and I don't wanna give up on him because of "something like that". Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking this issue down! It hurts me to be called bad names and I also look at it as mental abuse.
Maybe I should give you guys a little summary of our story first. We know us for two years and met for the first time in October 2012. I was spending a month with him in the USA (we did a road trip). We had a lovely time and decided for a relationship. In April 2013 we met for the second time and I stayed for almost nine months. Those nine month were the most wonderful in my life!! He was loving and caring. He also told me so many things about himself and gave me a deep insight into his past. When I say that I mean that he told me things about himself you only tell someone very special. Those things made me look at him differently. It was very, very hard for him to let me go back to Germany and he is still not over it. I know that he talks to me like that because he is insecure and scared to lose me. I still don't see that as a reason to talk to me like that, especially because there is absolutely no reason for him to be afraid. I just don't know how to make him realize that... During my time with him he never talked to me like that.

[Alsfia]

Well if he keeps talking like that to you, he probably will lose you, one way or another, wont he. It's not acceptable behaviour and even if he never talked to you like that before or displayed any signs of aggression before doesn't mean he doesn't have anger problems or even is potentially dangerous.

[snow_girl]

Actually, it is not equally hurtful to all. And I will not you having calling my comment stupid and dumb. Love languages is a theory if communication that is used in everything from healing destructive relationships to child rearing. If you do know what it is, feel free to give some relevant input. Otherwise, saying you don't understand my point of view will cover it.

i didn't say your comment was stupid, i clearly said love languages are stupid and dumb

[stormy]

Hey Nicola,

I think that this is just a powerful and loaded topic, everyone just wants to help but obviously not everyone agrees on exactly how that should be done. I do think everyone's intentions are good though.

I do hope that the problems you are having come to a positive end. Whether that means you leaving what is right now at this moment an abusive relationship without anymore harm being inflicted on you by him. Or he getting the help he needs and you two working things out. I still think you are taking a huge risk here and if I were someone very close to you I would be very worried for your well being. I would tell you to leave him, yesterday. But we are all different people with different limits and different red flags. I wish for only positive things for you and I hope you find the answers you are looking for before anything more harmful happens.

Please don't let the disagreements here stop you from reaching out. Again, I wish you all the best.

[Hollandia]

Hey Nicola,

I think that this is just a powerful and loaded topic, everyone just wants to help but obviously not everyone agrees on exactly how that should be done. I do think everyone's intentions are good though.

I do hope that the problems you are having come to a positive end. Whether that means you leaving what is right now at this moment an abusive relationship without anymore harm being inflicted on you by him. Or he getting the help he needs and you two working things out. I still think you are taking a huge risk here and if I were someone very close to you I would be very worried for your well being. I would tell you to leave him, yesterday. But we are all different people with different limits and different red flags. I wish for only positive things for you and I hope you find the answers you are looking for before anything more harmful happens.

Please don't let the disagreements here stop you from reaching out. Again, I wish you all the best.

Was this meant to be a PM or meant to be on an open board? The OP already addressed this so not sure why it is being drug up again.......anyhoo.......We all are here to support The OP and provide the advice requested.

I have concerns now, from the last response. The OP has stated that regardless of his actions leaving him is not an option. I can only say to her, I hope you are right. My Ex was super sweet loving person to me too, or I never would have married him and had a baby with him. I brushed off the early signs and as time passed his anger got worse and he got meaner and meaner. I had friends and family try to warn me, but I would not listen. One thing I do know, that is if you don't want to hear it, you won't. You have said that if you talk to him and it does not go well, you still don't see it as an option to leave him "for this". What would it take? Where are your lines? Do you have any? How about you really piss him off and he pushes you in anger and you fall down, is that enough? Or will you make allowances for that too?

Most battered women in shelters still try to protect their abusers. That is their choice if they wish to risk their lives and/or quality of life, but if and when children are involved I find them selfish and mutually at fault. If your OP does continue to show signs of being abusive I beg you, don't have kids. Sound pretty harsh? Consider it tough love. Worse case scenario is not one that I would be willing to gamble with but you seem to be. I am off this thread now. I wish you the best. If you want any more input, please feel free to PM me.

[piratemama]

Oh my, so many replies!! Amazing
But first of all I have to say that I don't wanna cause trouble with this topic! No fights

Most of you guys advise me to talk to him about it and, if there will be no changes, to leave him. I honestly have to say that a break-up is no option for me. He means the world to me and I don't wanna give up on him because of "something like that". Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking this issue down! It hurts me to be called bad names and I also look at it as mental abuse.
Maybe I should give you guys a little summary of our story first. We know us for two years and met for the first time in October 2012. I was spending a month with him in the USA (we did a road trip). We had a lovely time and decided for a relationship. In April 2013 we met for the second time and I stayed for almost nine months. Those nine month were the most wonderful in my life!! He was loving and caring. He also told me so many things about himself and gave me a deep insight into his past. When I say that I mean that he told me things about himself you only tell someone very special. Those things made me look at him differently. It was very, very hard for him to let me go back to Germany and he is still not over it. I know that he talks to me like that because he is insecure and scared to lose me. I still don't see that as a reason to talk to me like that, especially because there is absolutely no reason for him to be afraid. I just don't know how to make him realize that... During my time with him he never talked to me like that.

Only you know for sure how it really is with him, but please think it through and through. Just because he never heaped verbal abuse on you before does not make it right. If a guy takes a physical shot at you for the first time, it doesn't change the fact it's abuse. Maybe that part of him is only now showing itself. If you must try with him, do make it clear to him what your boundaries are. And, please be careful. There are plenty of women that can attest to the fact that a man was loving and gentle for years, then changed. You can only judge by his actions.

[digitalfever]

Oh my, so many replies!! Amazing
But first of all I have to say that I don't wanna cause trouble with this topic! No fights

Most of you guys advise me to talk to him about it and, if there will be no changes, to leave him. I honestly have to say that a break-up is no option for me. He means the world to me and I don't wanna give up on him because of "something like that". Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking this issue down! It hurts me to be called bad names and I also look at it as mental abuse.
Maybe I should give you guys a little summary of our story first. We know us for two years and met for the first time in October 2012. I was spending a month with him in the USA (we did a road trip). We had a lovely time and decided for a relationship. In April 2013 we met for the second time and I stayed for almost nine months. Those nine month were the most wonderful in my life!! He was loving and caring. He also told me so many things about himself and gave me a deep insight into his past. When I say that I mean that he told me things about himself you only tell someone very special. Those things made me look at him differently. It was very, very hard for him to let me go back to Germany and he is still not over it. I know that he talks to me like that because he is insecure and scared to lose me. I still don't see that as a reason to talk to me like that, especially because there is absolutely no reason for him to be afraid. I just don't know how to make him realize that... During my time with him he never talked to me like that.

If something your partner does hurts you and you classify it as mental abuse would you not want to leave? What if you had a daughter and her boyfriend had said these things to her? Or your best friend?
Love is great but mental health, personal well being and life are far more valuable.

[TaraMarie]

LDR's are very difficult. If he is behaving that way now I don't see it getting better. You are a young girl, And better than that. Please don't let him do this to you. You will set yourself up for this to be an acceptable form of abuse. If a man spoke to my daughter that way I would tell her to run and don't look back.

Even when my SO or my ex husband argue, we NEVER call each other names. It is disrespectful, childish and just plain mean. Don't let any man speak to you that way.

[Nicola]

He did it again, and I broke up with him.
Everyone here was so right. He is nothing but a big a*****e!
Thanks to you guys!

[Alsfia]

Good on you for being strong and standing up for yourself! Best of luck!

[milaya]

Good on you for being strong and standing up for yourself! Best of luck!

I agree.
It was the best choice.
I wish you the best!

[piratemama]

I'm sorry you had this to happen, but I'm glad to see you got rid of someone that hurtful. You are young. You can do much better. I am sorry you had a breakup, though, as I am sure you are hurting. We're here for you.

[Nicola]

Thank you all!!

[Ahava]

I bet you are hurting, but think you did the right thing.
Big hugs!